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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mist on December 5, 2000, at 2:08:14
I wonder if it's a good idea to date when you're depressed. It seems like dating is an emotionally risky situation that could deepen a depression if things go wrong (rejection by someone you like when you're already feeling vulnerable, etc.) Also having to put all the effort into looking good and sounding like you're not just dragging yourself around from day to day. Is it better to wait until you're feeling better or assume that taking action and possibly developing a relationship might make you happier so it's worth the risk? Any thoughts or experiences?
Posted by Ted on December 5, 2000, at 10:47:04
In reply to dating when depressed, posted by mist on December 5, 2000, at 2:08:14
Hi Mist,
> I wonder if it's a good idea to date when you're depressed.
Tough call. If my wife waited, she would still be single and probably never marry (chronic depression). If I waited, I would have probably killed myself by now (bipolar disorder; we make a nice pair, huh?). Anyway, here is the *real* benefit with going ahead: You have a chance of finding someone special who understands you and will give you the support you need and help you through treatment. If you don't try, you will never get anywhere. Sure, it carries risk, but so does driving. :-)
I say go for it and make the most of it. You might just find that this brings you out of your depression! If you don't find the right person, nothing is lost -- just go on.
Ted
Posted by Adam on December 5, 2000, at 13:59:43
In reply to dating when depressed, posted by mist on December 5, 2000, at 2:08:14
I think, like most important things in life, there aren't any definite answers to this question. The tricky thing is it takes two to tango, and how the object of your affection deals with the reality of your illness will be a major factor in any potential relationship's success of failure.
It can take a LOT of mutual understanding. Maybe the two most important things for both people to remember are that...
A) When the depressed person seems really down, uncommunicative, irritable, etc., it may and probably does not have anything to do with the other person, and...
B) The other person, though perhaps wrong, is somewhat justified in their fears and frustrations caused by their partner's dysphoria. The sadness of the depressed can seem mystifying even to another depressed person. So you've got to be ready to forgive them for feeling hurt while making them understand what's really the issue. That can be a difficult thing to do, and I wasn't always very adept at this.
I think that's basically it. The other ups and downs just come with the territory no matter who you are, so it's pointless to worry about those. Like some therapists tell procrastinators, waiting until you feel ready might take forever. However, if you are really feeling unsure in the present, it might not be a bad idea to wait for a while.
I certainly can't assure you that depression won't be a strain on a relationship, nor that it might not be the ultimate cause if its failure. But relationships fail even under the best of circumstances, and there's usually much to be learned from experience once the harder feelings dissipate. You very astutely touched on what is perhaps the thorniest problem: The aftermath if it fails. If you are especially sensitive to rejection, real or percieved, a breakup can be literally devastating, and could even lead to some behaviour you may not be proud of afterward. This has also been my experience.
So here's my advice: Hedge your bets to a certain extent. Don't recuse yourself just because you have an illness. However, be realistic about the potential problems (without being paranoid or always on your guard, of course) and get good help. Don't let even the elated feelings you might have when finding a new love make you lazy in maintaining a good working relationship with a therapist, especially one who helps people with relationship issues. They'll be there to help you keep your head straight in the case of both success and failure, and can certainly be an essential source of support if things don't go the way you hoped they would.
Make the leap, and have your parachute ready, so to speak. And try not to worry, as much as possible. It will just confound your efforts. Be open, above all else, if the person is worthy of your confidence. And as patient as you can be. This will inspire openness and patience in your friend, and you might be suprised to find yourself in a healthier relationship than many euthymics posess.
Good luck!
> I wonder if it's a good idea to date when you're depressed. It seems like dating is an emotionally risky situation that could deepen a depression if things go wrong (rejection by someone you like when you're already feeling vulnerable, etc.) Also having to put all the effort into looking good and sounding like you're not just dragging yourself around from day to day. Is it better to wait until you're feeling better or assume that taking action and possibly developing a relationship might make you happier so it's worth the risk? Any thoughts or experiences?
Posted by Noa on December 5, 2000, at 15:17:54
In reply to Re: dating when depressed, posted by Adam on December 5, 2000, at 13:59:43
The motivation to date, and the ability to get out there and make it happen, seems an indication that to some degree, depression doesn't have a full stranglehold on you, which is nothing to sneeze at (sorry-mixed metaphors).
Posted by mist on December 6, 2000, at 13:22:45
In reply to dating when depressed, posted by mist on December 5, 2000, at 2:08:14
Thank you Ted, Adam, and Noa for taking the time to respond and for your thoughtful posts. They were helpful to me in thinking about the issue.
Right now, I don't feel very motivated, if at all, to start the meeting people/dating thing, but at some point I might just force myself to.
This is the end of the thread.
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