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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
Hey everyone:
With Halloween approaching, I can't help but feel that though my costume is okay, I've wound up at the wrong damn party. I probably look like any number of suburban moms across the country - the bob haircut, reasonably attractive, reasonably slender, GAP jeans clad, kid in tow... However, I have to wonder why I feel so @#)*#@ different! I'm an emotional mess. I see people in stores buying christmas stuff already and think, jesus, I can't put together a grocery list for the week - I have to go every day. Before I stopped drinking almost three years ago (and before all of the diagnoses that I've received since) I could do it all, too. I can't any more...
Oh shit, panic attack... can't type
Posted by Noa on October 28, 2000, at 12:52:24
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
Yes, Dari, yes. All the time. I always wonder what people would say if they saw my apartment. I can't keep up with basics, either. I just got charged over $500 in bank fees because I deposited $450 to the wrong account and overdrew by writing a bunch of small change checks. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time--I am extremely disorganized.
The worst thing you can do is the "how do I measure up to others" game--you know you won't ever let yourself win that one!!
I get discouraged a lot, but I am trying to just take it one day at a time, one small step at a time.
Posted by Lexie on October 28, 2000, at 13:11:24
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
> Hey everyone:
> With Halloween approaching, I can't help but feel that though my costume is okay, I've wound up at the wrong damn party. I probably look like any number of suburban moms across the country - the bob haircut, reasonably attractive, reasonably slender, GAP jeans kid in tow...> > I know exactly how you feel, there should be a sign over my door everytime I exit that says "Put on your mask you are about to go on stage!" Lexie
Posted by coral on October 28, 2000, at 15:49:21
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
Oh, Dari, yes!
What a wonderful line ". . . feel that though my costume is okay, I've wound up at the wrong damn party."
My first panic attack assaulted me WHILE I was conducting a management seminar at a hospital!
Damn, I always have such great intentions - but the dining room table is covered with laundry (at least it's clean), I've heard of that thing called "dusting" but have surrendered to the Dust Beings, Christmas? I'm sure I owe someone a gift for LAST year. If I really want to punish myself, I'll watch Martha Stewart.
I don't mean to make light of it, but this isn't what I thought my life would be. I grieve for the lost years but do find joy. In the ultimate analysis, though, can I love and am I loved is what matters. As an after thought, can I love myself matters most of all.
Posted by Ted on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:16
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
Dari,
> Before I stopped drinking almost three years
> ago (and before all of the diagnoses that I've
> received since) I could do it all, too. I
> can't any more...Before I fell apart and was hospitalized with bipolar disorder last year, I could handle 2 jobs, with all their responsibilities (both were professional occupations). I prided myself with a great memory and excellent organizational skill. I received many bonuses at work for excellence. I took no drugs nor did I abuse any (including alcohol).
Now, I feel lucky to find my way to work in the morning. I just can't seem to get my act together for anything at home. At work, I am just OK and I don't expect much (if any) bonus this year. I seem to forget *everything*. Paperwork, like financial stuff, taxes, forms for various things, etc., now get me so stressed I wonder if it is a panic attack. I used to be able to do all that so quickly & effortlessly.
Your changes are, I think, normal keeping the circumstances in mind. I could blame my meds, but I think they are responsible for just keeping me functional -- without them I wouldn't be here.
Good luck and keep on trying. That's all I do....
Ted
Posted by Christina on October 28, 2000, at 21:37:50
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by Ted on October 28, 2000, at 17:13:16
Every minute of every day :(
Posted by ksvt on October 28, 2000, at 22:25:51
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:32:01
>Dari - I remember a book title written by a soviet spy called "I led two lives." I feel that way all the time. You think about other people "if they only knew." I heard someone else refer to it as the imposter syndrome. It's pretty exhausting to always feel like you have to be something that you aren't. ksvt
Hey everyone:
> With Halloween approaching, I can't help but feel that though my costume is okay, I've wound up at the wrong damn party. I probably look like any number of suburban moms across the country - the bob haircut, reasonably attractive, reasonably slender, GAP jeans clad, kid in tow... However, I have to wonder why I feel so @#)*#@ different! I'm an emotional mess. I see people in stores buying christmas stuff already and think, jesus, I can't put together a grocery list for the week - I have to go every day. Before I stopped drinking almost three years ago (and before all of the diagnoses that I've received since) I could do it all, too. I can't any more...
> Oh shit, panic attack... can't type
Posted by dari on October 29, 2000, at 8:16:32
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by ksvt on October 28, 2000, at 22:25:51
> >Dari - I remember a book title written by a soviet spy called "I led two lives." I feel that way all the time. You think about other people "if they only knew." I heard someone else refer to it as the imposter syndrome. It's pretty exhausting to always feel like you have to be something that you aren't. ksvt
>
> ksvt: that is it in a nutshell, "the imposter syndrome", that is so cool, and yup, it's exhausting. I came very close to going to the hospital last night. I took a nap yesterday after my awful panic attack and woke up still feeling terrible. My son was home and instead of scaring him with the prospect of his mother potentially going back to the "fruit farm", I let him pick dinner and we made it together and actually had a pretty nice night considering the precariousness of the previous couple of hours. Fresh linquini, homemade pesto from our garden this summer and cape cod scallops with roasted red peppers. I've certainly never had a problem with my appetite when I'm depressed.Thank you so much for understanding. From a purely selfish perspective, I'm glad we are all here for each other. But, obviously, wouldn't it be wonderful if there was just no need for this board?
peace and prayers,
dari
Posted by dari on October 29, 2000, at 8:22:08
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » dari, posted by Noa on October 28, 2000, at 12:52:24
> Yes, Dari, yes. All the time. I always wonder what people would say if they saw my apartment. I can't keep up with basics, either. I just got charged over $500 in bank fees because I deposited $450 to the wrong account and overdrew by writing a bunch of small change checks. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time--I am extremely disorganized.
Oh Noa: I truly thought that I was the only one. I just got whacked $18 in overdrawn fees for a $5 check last month. Ridiculous...
> The worst thing you can do is the "how do I measure up to others" game--you know you won't ever let yourself win that one!!
>
Again, I have never thought about it... and you're right I'll never let myself win. It's kinda like the sick game I used to play with myself... I'm thinner than her, right?> I get discouraged a lot, but I am trying to just take it one day at a time, one small step at a time.
Thanks again for your voice of reason. PS: have you looked into the fainting episode with your general practitioner yet? Let me know, I'd feel better knowing that you are okay. fondly, dari
Posted by coral on October 29, 2000, at 10:08:33
In reply to Man, am I glad that I'm here, posted by dari on October 29, 2000, at 8:16:32
> > >Dari - I remember a book title written by a soviet spy called "I led two lives." I feel that way all the time. You think about other people "if they only knew." I heard someone else refer to it as the imposter syndrome. It's pretty exhausting to always feel like you have to be something that you aren't. ksvt
> >
> > ksvt: that is it in a nutshell, "the imposter syndrome", that is so cool, and yup, it's exhausting. I came very close to going to the hospital last night. I took a nap yesterday after my awful panic attack and woke up still feeling terrible. My son was home and instead of scaring him with the prospect of his mother potentially going back to the "fruit farm", I let him pick dinner and we made it together and actually had a pretty nice night considering the precariousness of the previous couple of hours. Fresh linquini, homemade pesto from our garden this summer and cape cod scallops with roasted red peppers. I've certainly never had a problem with my appetite when I'm depressed.
>
> Thank you so much for understanding. From a purely selfish perspective, I'm glad we are all here for each other. But, obviously, wouldn't it be wonderful if there was just no need for this board?
>
> peace and prayers,
> dari
Posted by noa on October 29, 2000, at 10:43:37
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this?-Noa, posted by dari on October 29, 2000, at 8:22:08
Dari, yes, I went to the GP on Wednesday, and I checked out ok. They told me to cool it with my big ole yawn/stretches. I do have to consciously stop myself from doing that now, I noticed. They seem to want to happen after I have been sitting for a while. So now, I have been trying to get up and move around more and stretch differently.
I am so impressed with how you managed to pull yourself together to have that wonderful dinner-making experience with your son. Sigh. Wow.
Posted by jzp on October 31, 2000, at 0:37:44
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this?-Noa » dari, posted by noa on October 29, 2000, at 10:43:37
I know this feeling so well. However, not quite as much as I used to, since I have gained 60-70 lbs due to meds, so I feel less outwardly "normal." Still, I do often feel that "if they only knew" twinge.
However-- I think that almost everyone feels this. Have you seen those Volkswagen commercials where the guy is like "The idea that I am responsible for another human life is just ridicuolous. That cookie is still good!"? Almost nobody is really as together as they seem to the outside observer. Almost everyone is struggling with something, it's just hard for us to recognize when we're struggling with almost everything. Kind of a depressing thought, but also kind of reassuring, at the same time.
I don't mean to discount the severity of anyone's problems-- I know what it feels like to think "god, if they only knew that I am too depressed to hold down a job/ate a pint of ice cream by myself this afternoon/just paid $100 in overdraft fees on a $15 check (me too, noa!)/didn't get out of bed all day yesterday..." But first, they don't know that. And second, you need to compare yourself to what you're capable of, not what the larger world says is "normal."
Take care,
Jannette
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