![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by roo on September 14, 2000, at 9:42:25
I recently broke off an engagement to a wonderful guy
who I loved dearly. Something in me couldn't go through
with it. It's been nearly 3 months, and I can't feel at
peace with my decision, and I"m stuck: I don't feel I
can go back with him, and be committed towards marriage
(and marriage is something he really wants), and I'm
having a very hard time letting him go. I get really
anxious when I think about marriage, or going back to
him and pressure of marriage being in the background for
us. I don't know what to do. I think about it constantly
and am getting nowhere. I've started praying because I'm
at such a loss.
I've sometimes wondered if this is related to my depression,
and possible ptss issues--I've never felt this anxious in
my life. I've always had the sleepy do nothing sort of
depression, but it's switched to a restless, keyed-up
anxious sort of state where I fear I might go nuts, and
have to be committed or something.
I've tried researching the internet on this subject--
severe anxiety related to getting married, but I haven't
found much--just the ordinary cold feet stuff--this is
a lot deeper than just ordinary cold feet.
Have any of you depression sufferer's out there experienced
big time fear and anxiety regarding marriage?
Posted by Cindy W on September 14, 2000, at 9:58:58
In reply to Marriage Anxiety, posted by roo on September 14, 2000, at 9:42:25
> I recently broke off an engagement to a wonderful guy
> who I loved dearly. Something in me couldn't go through
> with it. It's been nearly 3 months, and I can't feel at
> peace with my decision, and I"m stuck: I don't feel I
> can go back with him, and be committed towards marriage
> (and marriage is something he really wants), and I'm
> having a very hard time letting him go. I get really
> anxious when I think about marriage, or going back to
> him and pressure of marriage being in the background for
> us. I don't know what to do. I think about it constantly
> and am getting nowhere. I've started praying because I'm
> at such a loss.
> I've sometimes wondered if this is related to my depression,
> and possible ptss issues--I've never felt this anxious in
> my life. I've always had the sleepy do nothing sort of
> depression, but it's switched to a restless, keyed-up
> anxious sort of state where I fear I might go nuts, and
> have to be committed or something.
> I've tried researching the internet on this subject--
> severe anxiety related to getting married, but I haven't
> found much--just the ordinary cold feet stuff--this is
> a lot deeper than just ordinary cold feet.
> Have any of you depression sufferer's out there experienced
> big time fear and anxiety regarding marriage?roo, have you tried seeing a therapist to talk out the issues about marriage that give you cold feet? People have different reasons for being ambivalent about marriage, from what I've read and experienced (fear of commitment, intimacy fears, sexual problems, inability to make decisions, etc.). You said it might be from ptss (Post Traumatic Stress?) but didn't specify what the trauma was; examining this in relation to your ambivalence about marriage would probably be good to talk out with a therapist you can trust. Hope this helps!--Cindy W (who is always ambivalent about everything, from OCD)
Posted by tina on September 14, 2000, at 11:13:11
In reply to Re: Marriage Anxiety, posted by Cindy W on September 14, 2000, at 9:58:58
It's interesting to me that you would be questioning yourself about this. You were probably doing yourself a favour by not getting married if you feel so ambivalent about it. That's never a good attitude to go into a marriage with. I agree with Cindy when she says talking it out with a therapist is a good idea. You can maybe rreach down into your reasons for rejecting marriage or the commitment itself. I got married with an ambivalent attitude. I had to take many many pills just to get myself down the aisle and it has been a very rocky road. I wish I had thought it through more at the time. I think you did what was right for you at the time and that's never a "wrong" decision. I guess I'm just rambling on here so I'll cut myself off. I hope you feel better soon. Talk to a therapist or even a couples counceler maybe and try to get to the root of your decision to break the engagement. You may be surprised at the answers you find. Hugs--Tina
> > I recently broke off an engagement to a wonderful guy
> > who I loved dearly. Something in me couldn't go through
> > with it. It's been nearly 3 months, and I can't feel at
> > peace with my decision, and I"m stuck: I don't feel I
> > can go back with him, and be committed towards marriage
> > (and marriage is something he really wants), and I'm
> > having a very hard time letting him go. I get really
> > anxious when I think about marriage, or going back to
> > him and pressure of marriage being in the background for
> > us. I don't know what to do. I think about it constantly
> > and am getting nowhere. I've started praying because I'm
> > at such a loss.
> > I've sometimes wondered if this is related to my depression,
> > and possible ptss issues--I've never felt this anxious in
> > my life. I've always had the sleepy do nothing sort of
> > depression, but it's switched to a restless, keyed-up
> > anxious sort of state where I fear I might go nuts, and
> > have to be committed or something.
> > I've tried researching the internet on this subject--
> > severe anxiety related to getting married, but I haven't
> > found much--just the ordinary cold feet stuff--this is
> > a lot deeper than just ordinary cold feet.
> > Have any of you depression sufferer's out there experienced
> > big time fear and anxiety regarding marriage?
>
> roo, have you tried seeing a therapist to talk out the issues about marriage that give you cold feet? People have different reasons for being ambivalent about marriage, from what I've read and experienced (fear of commitment, intimacy fears, sexual problems, inability to make decisions, etc.). You said it might be from ptss (Post Traumatic Stress?) but didn't specify what the trauma was; examining this in relation to your ambivalence about marriage would probably be good to talk out with a therapist you can trust. Hope this helps!--Cindy W (who is always ambivalent about everything, from OCD)
Posted by roo on September 14, 2000, at 12:23:44
In reply to Re: Marriage Anxiety, posted by Cindy W on September 14, 2000, at 9:58:58
Cynthia,Thanks for your reply :-) Yes, I'm seeing a therapist,
but we don't seem to be making a whole lot of progress
on the issue. Of course these things take time, and
I'm not the world's most patient person. She thinks
it might be related to my not liking to need people.
Fear of "neediness".
My _possible_ ptss trauma--not sure if it would qualify
for that or not, but between the ages of 2 and 4
I was in a religious commune where I was pretty
neglected (physically and emotionally) and didn't
get to be around my parents very much. The biggest
part of the trauma came from going to a month long
camp (when I was 3) away from family and really
physically neglected (remember sleeping in a urine and
feces saturated sleeping bag, outhouses with shit and
flies everyplace, covered in infected bug bites,
pink eye, etc.).
Someone told me today that if a trauma of some sort
happens at that particular age--when you need a lot
of nurturance, but also your beginning to develop
your independent identity, it might result in either
becoming really "needy" or overcompensating by being
overly independent and being really afraid of being
"needy". I think I'm the latter of those two.
I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but
I do know that this man was extremely nurturing and
he almost felt to me like the mother I always wanted
but never had...I came to really depend on his comforting
qualities. Maybe I'm scared I'd turn into a helpless
baby again, and go back to that awful place, I don't
know.
I just hate to think I have to lose the best man I've
ever known b/c of this anxiety. Or maybe I'm overanalying
everything and he's just not the right guy...
I don't feel like I can trust myself on this one.
Posted by shar on September 18, 2000, at 14:25:34
In reply to Re: Marriage Anxiety, posted by roo on September 14, 2000, at 12:23:44
It seems like your analysis of the situation is right on. The trauma you experienced at a young age, when you were literally helpless to take care of yourself, can indeed make trust a major issue later on.
Usually, the coping strategies developed at that time will stay around unless we work to replace them with something else. I think the goal would be for you to learn to mother yourself, something I'm working on.
That means you can look inside yourself as a whole person for guidance (not some kind of "everything I do is OK" kind of love). You can grow your own internal mother who will provide you with the help and guidance you need to accept yourself and live your life and be ok with differences you have with other people.
If you had had a nurturing childhood in those early years, you would already be able to do that. Since you didn't, you may want to work on it.
The problem with getting nurtured from without, or getting a sense of "I'm ok" from outside yourself, is that when the nurturer leaves, so does your sense of "I'm ok" or "I'm lovable." It's wonderful to have someone to take care of you at times, but I would encourage you to look inside and find yourself, and hold on to yourself, and don't become a pretzel (change) so that your external nurturers won't leave.
I also encourage you to get the tape "Warming the Stone Child" by Pinkola-Estes. It has a Jungian approach to abandonment in childhood, and I think every child who was left helpless to fend for themselves should hear it. There are many, many wonderful examples in the tape, and had me going, "oh, yeah" so "that's what that behavior is about." Plus, it's hopeful.
Once you get out of your head (analyzing the situation) you can start feeling, and that's where the work usually is. My therapist encourages me to express anger, fear, etc. that I feel toward her (and love too). She may not like it, and we may have rough times, and I may feel afraid...but I know she won't abandon me and we will follow through on these things. If she doesn't like something I say, the work is not to make her like it, but to realize she can have her own response to what I said or did, and still love me, and not abandon me. And I can stand by what I said or did, because it was "the real me" and know she dislikes something I did, or know that she knows I'm angry at her, and I'm still safe. She doesn't want me to change or give up my feelings, she sure isn't going to change or give up her feelings, and we will still have an ongoing, caring relationship.
Well, this is way too long!!! Best of luck to you and your internal mother.
Shar
>
> Cynthia,
>
> Thanks for your reply :-) Yes, I'm seeing a therapist,
> but we don't seem to be making a whole lot of progress
> on the issue. Of course these things take time, and
> I'm not the world's most patient person. She thinks
> it might be related to my not liking to need people.
> Fear of "neediness".
> My _possible_ ptss trauma--not sure if it would qualify
> for that or not, but between the ages of 2 and 4
> I was in a religious commune where I was pretty
> neglected (physically and emotionally) and didn't
> get to be around my parents very much. The biggest
> part of the trauma came from going to a month long
> camp (when I was 3) away from family and really
> physically neglected (remember sleeping in a urine and
> feces saturated sleeping bag, outhouses with shit and
> flies everyplace, covered in infected bug bites,
> pink eye, etc.).
> Someone told me today that if a trauma of some sort
> happens at that particular age--when you need a lot
> of nurturance, but also your beginning to develop
> your independent identity, it might result in either
> becoming really "needy" or overcompensating by being
> overly independent and being really afraid of being
> "needy". I think I'm the latter of those two.
> I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but
> I do know that this man was extremely nurturing and
> he almost felt to me like the mother I always wanted
> but never had...I came to really depend on his comforting
> qualities. Maybe I'm scared I'd turn into a helpless
> baby again, and go back to that awful place, I don't
> know.
> I just hate to think I have to lose the best man I've
> ever known b/c of this anxiety. Or maybe I'm overanalying
> everything and he's just not the right guy...
> I don't feel like I can trust myself on this one.
Posted by Nibor on September 18, 2000, at 16:18:15
In reply to Marriage Anxiety, posted by roo on September 14, 2000, at 9:42:25
> I recently broke off an engagement to a wonderful guy
> who I loved dearly.Hi. What you said at the beginning is important to me--the "wonderful guy" bit. I also wonder if you tried any kind of counseling together? That's something you can still do; your guy might need some support now too.
Marriage (and getting there) does take work, but being with someone you love and trust is so worth it. I wish you the best.
Nibor
Posted by roo on September 19, 2000, at 8:45:33
In reply to Will you love and honor yourself? - » roo, posted by shar on September 18, 2000, at 14:25:34
>Shar--
Wow--I just want to thank you from the bottom of
my heart for you response--it really spoke to me...
I think you're right on. I've listened to the stone
child years ago and resonated with it, but I think
i need to listen to it again!Thank you so much, your response meant a great deal
to me...Ruth
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.