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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 3:02:59
One of my major gripes this year is that people are all 'yes, totally understand you perfectly, me too' about various things...
Then it turns out that they really don't understand at all and that screws me over. E.g., moving in with people who take themselves to be quiet - but they listen to noisy TV all day. Moving in with people who take themselves to be quiet - but they sing and yell and hysterically laugh much of the time. People who take themselves to be quiet - but listen to loud music and are unable to shut a door without slamming it. I would rather they say 'no idea what you are talking about' or 'well I'm different from you, I like noise'. If they were honest it would have been better for me.Different is different. It isn't better or worse. I don't know why you want to bring smart into it. I don't know why you would want to bring smart into it.
How would you feel if I was all like 'oh yeah, I hear you totally my favorite colour is red, too!' and then when you said 'no my favourite color isn't red, actually it is something else' I went off at you for thinking of yourself as all elitist and special?
I am trying to come to terms with an aspect about me that is different. It is only something that struck me as being different fairly recently. Pretending it doesn't exist (so y'all can feel happier in pretending everybody is exactly the same in every respect) isn't doing me any favours.
I almost put in a 'do not post to me' request. But I won't.
The thing is... I do find your situations interesting. I am interested in hearing about them and seeing what things seem to help etc. I do have an urge to try and say something that may be helpful etc. I do understand that negotiating boundaries is a very hard thing indeed. And that it can be hard to know what one wants sometimes with respect to closer / further away or whatever. But my current situation with flatmates... And the fact that I actually don't think I will ever want to live with anybody... These situations just strike me as really very different. Again, not better, not worse, just different. Not anything about smart, just different.
I am a divergent thinker. I have a tendency to think differently. Most people don't. But most people will say they are divergent thinkers (etc) around me out of their desire to do that emotional bonding never mind the literal meaning of what is said. Or whatever. And thus I learn.. That there really isn't any point talking to people half the time because more than half of them are full of sh*t and don't even seem to know what they are saying.
I'm sorry. But I got this IRL right now in spades.
I don't need it here.
Posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2013, at 10:25:44
In reply to Thinking we are different, posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 3:02:59
Listening only. Phillipa
Posted by baseball55 on October 30, 2013, at 20:13:32
In reply to Re: Thinking we are different » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2013, at 10:25:44
I think you are different from me in many ways Alex. Today. But you are younger than me I figure since I finished my doctorate many, many years ago. I also wanted pure solitude and quiet. I was intolerant of the noise and demands of others. But as I got older I realized that I had cut myself off so completely that I was isolated and without help or care from others. And it made me feel crazy and depressed. Maybe this will happen to you also eventually. Maybe it won't. Maybe you have a talent for solitude that will last. i had a talent for solitude when I was younger, and it kept me safe, since I left home when I was quite young, but eventually it became a disability.
I hope you find some quiet and peace. Maybe, someday, you will long for more noise and connection. Maybe not. Today, I find that I prefer to go to the library or a cafe to work, where there is noise and people. Maybe someday you will feel the same. But maybe not.
Posted by SLS on October 31, 2013, at 12:01:01
In reply to Thinking we are different, posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 3:02:59
Just a few thoughts:
Like so many things in the universe, I think that balance and symmetry exist in the recognition that uniqueness and similarity occur simultaneously. The similarities are pretty easy to see. I see the differences as being robust, but not necessarily visible to everyone.
What is it that is meant by saying that people are "special" simply because they are unique? I would really like to hear more about what the meaning of the word "special" is, and what it is like to be told that you are not special, even though you are unique. There is a certain sense of belonging to humanity when everyone is deemed special rather than being isolated in their uniqueness.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on October 31, 2013, at 19:32:12
In reply to Re: Thinking we are different » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on October 31, 2013, at 12:01:01
I might be duplicating my post, but I think I didm't hit the send button.
Anyway -- Feeling special, I think, is something we get as children, if we have loving parents. Good parents think of their children as special and are intently interested in every thing they do. Look, She's crawling! Isn't that wonderful! Look at you! You are the very best little boy in the world! What a beautiful drawing! Wow! You used the potty all by yourself.
Nothing about any of these things are unique in any way. But to involved, loving parents, it all seems wonderful, amazing.
I didn't get this as a child. But children who do get this develop self-esteem, confidence that they can function in the world, a feeling of safety and a belief in the good-will of others.
As adults, they realize that they are not so amazing, not so unique, not so special. But they have the self-esteem to persevere.
I was so deprived of any feeling of being special as a child, that as an adult, I craved recognition and respect and became enraged when I didn't get it. I needed desperately to see myself as unique and better than others, even though I wasn't so amazing. It drove me to work very hard, but if I didn't get the validation I craved, I kind of fell apart.
When I first started seeing my p-doc -- like the second or third session -- he said, without external validation, you just fall apart. You lack the capacity to feel consistently good about yourself.
Now I have no desire to be special or unique. I want, more than anything, to be connected and feel part of the human community. Life is much easier this way.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 31, 2013, at 21:51:29
In reply to Re: Thinking we are different » SLS, posted by baseball55 on October 31, 2013, at 19:32:12
> I might be duplicating my post, but I think I didm't hit the send button.
>
> Anyway -- Feeling special, I think, is something we get as children, if we have loving parents. Good parents think of their children as special and are intently interested in every thing they do. Look, She's crawling! Isn't that wonderful! Look at you! You are the very best little boy in the world! What a beautiful drawing! Wow! You used the potty all by yourself.
>
> Nothing about any of these things are unique in any way. But to involved, loving parents, it all seems wonderful, amazing.
>
> I didn't get this as a child. But children who do get this develop self-esteem, confidence that they can function in the world, a feeling of safety and a belief in the good-will of others.
>
> As adults, they realize that they are not so amazing, not so unique, not so special. But they have the self-esteem to persevere.
>
> I was so deprived of any feeling of being special as a child, that as an adult, I craved recognition and respect and became enraged when I didn't get it. I needed desperately to see myself as unique and better than others, even though I wasn't so amazing. It drove me to work very hard, but if I didn't get the validation I craved, I kind of fell apart.
>
> When I first started seeing my p-doc -- like the second or third session -- he said, without external validation, you just fall apart. You lack the capacity to feel consistently good about yourself.
>
> Now I have no desire to be special or unique. I want, more than anything, to be connected and feel part of the human community. Life is much easier this way.Ditto. Just about exactly my experience, and ultimate feeling.
It's a process, perhaps.
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2013, at 15:58:04
In reply to Thinking we are different, posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 3:02:59
I've experienced that sometimes. But then I've also experienced genuine empathy and understanding sometimes. At least, I suppose, they're making an effort, even if the result is frustrating to you.
The important thing is whether you understand yourself and are getting help in the way you need it. It sounds as if you are. Are there any other students getting similar help? They might be people who could understand your need for quiet. Or they might not. Sometimes I settle for people who can tolerate me, or be ok with my own particular oddities.
I value you for who you are as a wonderfully unique individual, for the ways I understand and can identify with you, and for the ways I can't and don't.
This is the end of the thread.
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