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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
I have been fuming since it took me 2 hrs to write the post and try to get it posted. In the meantime, I lost my post so I've lost the essence of what I am feeling.
I haven't posted in a long time, but for those who do remember me, I had a fantastic female therapist and a male psychiatrist that I was fighting with all the time in my attempt to make him care for me, and hence understand me. That has been a difficult struggle.
I haven't seen my T in 2 years. We decided that I needed to work with my male psychiatrist to work through the male issues that I could never work through with her. I left her knowing that she was there for me, and i did go back several times for a reality check. Each time she was great.
i learned this week through a dr that my T recommended that my T is dying. I'm devastated beyond belief. I had always told her I that I would write a book about her experiences and I was actually working on the edits in the waiting room when my dr. told me.
Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. How can I explain what she meant to me? She made me feel special and loved, and I certainly wouldn't be surprised if her other patients felt the same way about her. I wanted to feel that love and she always provided it, with hugs and "I love you"s each time we parted. We left on good terms and no matter what, I always have her in my heart, with me, as I still grapple with my problems. I won't lie. I knew something was wrong with her when we parted--her short-term memory made her call me 4 times in a single day to verify an appointment, but being on the outside I didn't know who to tell. My dr. told me that her early dementia was duly noted by those who love her, so i know she is being cared for. But it's not dementia, but cancer that is taking her away too soon.
I did the only thing I could do. I came home and wrote a loving letter to her, or her daughter, I wasn't really sure who it was for--all I knew is that my T was very ill. It sounds silly but my purpose was for her daughter to see that her mother was an amazing therapist (she is going into the same field) and how she had the amazing ability to connect, console, and inspire everyone she worked with. I don't think my letter is the only she will receive.
I also know that my T was not perfect, and she wouldn't want me to remember her that way. As hard as it is to do, I loved her for who she was, not just the good mother of my fantasies.
This all led to an interesting corollary of pure hatred toward my psychiatrist, who i still see. We are almost done with therapy, but my heart breaks knowing that he doesn't care for me the way she did. It was never meant to be, and understanding that so many of my unfulfilled needs can never be met by another, doesn't deaden the pain. Too bad he wasn't as caring and loving as she was. It's easy to correlate the word loving with her; compassion and empathy are barely in my psychiatrist's vocabulary.
Perhaps I've wasted a few years with him. All i do know is that I will never enter this mine field again with any other. My time is done. My T was the best and taught me all I needed to know. My pdoc tried to finish the job, and he did in his own way but not with the love and support my T provided.I love you, my T, and may you find peace.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2013, at 7:58:32
In reply to My beloved T, posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
I am so sorry for your loss.
A long term therapist can be like family in some ways, although it's rarely acknowledged. Writing the letter was a wonderful thing to do. If it is her daughter who reads it, it will not only be a comfort, but will help her understand the deep impact a therapist can have in the lives of her patients.
((( antigua )))
Posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 13:05:33
In reply to Re: My beloved T » antigua2013, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2013, at 7:58:32
Dinah,
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot.
antigua
Posted by sleepygirl2 on April 24, 2013, at 17:57:19
In reply to My beloved T, posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
I'm sorry this is happening. She means so much.
Posted by baseball55 on April 24, 2013, at 19:30:37
In reply to Re: My beloved T » antigua2013, posted by sleepygirl2 on April 24, 2013, at 17:57:19
I can only imagine how sad this is for you. I have a p-doc I've seen for eight years. I now only see him once a month. But I loved him and he loved me, or treated me as if he did. He is 74 years old now and it's inevitable that he will soon retire or become ill. It's so sad to imagine that.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 25, 2013, at 0:26:22
In reply to My beloved T, posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
I'm so sorry this is happening. Real grief is complex. I hope you find comfort in reaching for what you've gained from your relationship with your beloved T while you cope with this difficult time.
gg
Posted by tetrix on April 27, 2013, at 0:06:19
In reply to My beloved T, posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
Oh Antigua, I am so sorry. I know that words may not give that much comfort but please know that I feel your pain.
Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2013, at 13:32:09
In reply to My beloved T, posted by antigua2013 on April 24, 2013, at 2:31:53
Posted by antigua2013 on July 15, 2013, at 19:04:33
In reply to How are you doing? (nm) » antigua2013, posted by Dinah on July 8, 2013, at 13:32:09
Thank you everyone for all of your kind and supportive words. They mean a lot to me.
I am in an awkward position of looking in the paper every day, hoping and praying that I won't see my T's obituary, but then again, hoping that I will so that she will be at peace. As far as I know, she is still alive, and I can check with the dr. who told me, but I just can't seem to make myself do that.
I have had dreams about her, mostly where she is telling me that it is OK for me to let go and move on. I won't really let her go until I know she has died and maybe that's why I don't want to know if she has died. (Does that even make any sense?)
My psychiatrist thinks I feel abandoned by my T, but I don't. I honestly and truly don't. I laugh, though, because I could really use her help in getting through this! I have definitely regressed to a needier state (which isn't the right state for my work with my psych, but to his credit he is the one who pointed it out and said not to stress over it).
My heart is full of love and gratitude for her and everything she did for me. This is so unlike me, to NOT feel abandoned by her. I am heartbroken that she is dying, but it is for her and her family.
She taught me well, and I feel very lucky that we were able to work through the termination before her illness. It sounds like a cliche, but I have internalized her and she will always be with me.
No more, or the tears will begin again.
Thanks again,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on July 17, 2013, at 9:12:46
In reply to How I am doing, posted by antigua2013 on July 15, 2013, at 19:04:33
What a wonderful legacy! Not feeling abandoned is something she should feel proud of. And that dream really does show how you've internalized her.
It does make perfect sense that you don't want to let go, in knowing that she died. I try to hold on to people (and dogs) by remembering them regularly, or even by grieving for them. I figure as long as I think of them as they really were, they aren't entirely gone - at least to me. So I think about the placement of freckles on a dog dead over twenty years, and the way her hair lay on her back, and how the unique way she moved. Whenever I eat steak, I think of how Daddy let me have the best parts because I was easily revolted by meat. One of the first things I do when a loved one dies is put together a photo album. I suppose I ought to extend that to include memories as well.
((( antigua )))
This is the end of the thread.
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