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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
Hi, everyone,
Got a call the other day from someone who wanted to interview me. Curious what you all think.
1) What makes people abandon rational thinking - i.e. falling in love with someone they've never met or seen in person; giving money to someone they've never met?
2) Is it desperation to believe? What makes them emotionally vulnerable?
3) Why do people fall prey to dating scammers?
4) What do people need to look for in themselves so they don't fall prey to dating scammers?Bob
Posted by SLS on February 2, 2013, at 22:19:21
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
Great questions!
I can easily understand how someone could fall in love with a cyber pen-pal or an unseen voice on the other end of a telephone.
I'll try to write more later. Time for bed.
- Scott
> Hi, everyone,
>
> Got a call the other day from someone who wanted to interview me. Curious what you all think.
>
> 1) What makes people abandon rational thinking - i.e. falling in love with someone they've never met or seen in person; giving money to someone they've never met?
> 2) Is it desperation to believe? What makes them emotionally vulnerable?
> 3) Why do people fall prey to dating scammers?
> 4) What do people need to look for in themselves so they don't fall prey to dating scammers?
>
> Bob
Posted by Deneb on February 3, 2013, at 1:22:44
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
> Hi, everyone,
>
> Got a call the other day from someone who wanted to interview me. Curious what you all think.
>
> 1) What makes people abandon rational thinking - i.e. falling in love with someone they've never met or seen in person; giving money to someone they've never met?
> 2) Is it desperation to believe? What makes them emotionally vulnerable?
> 3) Why do people fall prey to dating scammers?
> 4) What do people need to look for in themselves so they don't fall prey to dating scammers?
>
> BobHmmmm, well I don't have much actual experience of falling in love online (besides with you lol, I mean normally speaking lol) and I don't really know anyone who has fallen for a dating scam, but I think it might have to do with projection or transference or something.
People will tend to see what they want to see with someone online because there are a lot of non verbal signals that are missed. I think many will just fill in the blanks and come up with a very idealized version of the person. This can lead some people to drop their guards. Some scam artists are very cunning and know how to look for the right type of person who would fall for it.
I think they would target someone who doesn't get much attention in real life, maybe someone with not much self esteem.
Sooo, to answer your questions to the best of my ability (based on just my own understanding),
1.) I think people abandon rational thinking through infatuation. The rush, the actual physiological changes during this "head over heels" period will lead some people to see no wrong in a person. Doubts they would have in a normal situation are explained away by any means. The feelings of infatuation feel good so they want to continue it.
2.) I don't think it is desperation to believe, I believe it is something that can happen to some people who are very young or just not experienced in the world. They may be very trusting or have idealistic about love.
3.) I think people fall prey to dating scammers because they are either just too trusting in general, or have fallen into the infatuation trap, which leads them to ignore all the "red signs". The feelings of infatuation feel so good that they do not want to believe the person is a scammer. Also keep in mind that some of these scammers are very experienced and know what to say to a lonely vulnerable person to gain trust. I believe the tactic they might use is to be very sympathetic and they are probably good at communicating, and of course manipulative.
4.) I believe the best defense against an online dating scammer is to set hard rules about certain things, like never giving out money to anyone you meet online, and never giving out banking info etc to anyone except your bank or other authorities. But, that is not what you're asking lol.
What to look for within yourself? Hmmmm...I would say first the best defense into falling into any dating scam/abusive relationship etc. is to just be independent. When you're perfectly happy being yourself and don't need a "second half" at all, this might prevent you from being type of person that scammers will target. If say the scammer wants you to do one thing and says it will make him/her happy, if you're insecure and needy you might say "yes" because you're afraid of losing them, but if you're like, wtf, I'm not giving up ______ for you, you go get it yourself! lol, then I don't think the scammer will think you're a target.
But there might be a different sort of scammer who, instead of feeding off your neediness and how you're insecure, might feed off your sense of charity, like a "poor you" type of feeling. I'd admit I'm much more susceptible to this sort of scam. I don't even need to love the person, I just need to see how helpless and poor they are. When I'm in a much more powerful position than someone else I feel pity for the poor people with no power and sometimes I'll give them things, ie. homeless person says it's their birthday or whatever and asks for money. This is an entirely different sort of scam whereby the "victim" is not really vulnerable in a traditional sense, it's more they feel pity for the poor poor scammer. LOL. Well, in this situation, it would be much harder to scam the victim too much. Like sure I would give a homeless person a few bucks, but not a few hundred!
Anyways, I'm kind of going off tangent lol. Interesting topic and very useful to know online.
Posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2013, at 15:17:13
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
In all seriousness right now have a friend on facebook teaching in Brazil who is getting married to a guy from Indiana whome she has meet on facebook. They skype when she's not working, talk on phone, write messages on facebook to each other. And I'm as preplexed as to why myself. As until someone actually meets someone and spends time with them they to me can not be in love. Reminds me of arranged marriages in a way. But now what about dating sites? I'll be curious to see the answers to follow. Even see the adds on TV and on radio for dating sites. I can see forming a crush but it's just not love. Now of course this is my personal opinion. Phillipa
Posted by Meatwood_Flack on February 3, 2013, at 20:07:53
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
I think factors such as isolation, loneliness, desperation, a dependent personality type and a vulnerability to impractical choices can all contribute to someone falling in love with someone they've never met. Shyness in social situations may also play a role, as long distance relationships (whether played out online or simply through letters and/or phone calls) come with a built in buffer of space, which may actually be preferable to some people. The first cause of the person's emotional vulnerability is probably more difficult to pin down, but an aversion to rejection based on life experience would certainly set the stage. People fall prey to dating scammers for the same reasons. Insecurities are very easy buttons to push when someone knows what and where they are. It could be argued that someone who cheats on their partner is, likewise, scamming. As far as traits people should look for in themselves to avoid falling prey, I think they could use the following questions to get a sense of their own vulnerability: 1. How healthy and strong is my sense of self-worth? 2. Am I more of a leader or follower? 3. Am I ruled more by intellect or emotion? 4. Am I more idealistic or practical? The difficulty of such an exercise lies in the fact that, while the unexamined life is truly not worth living, for many people, self-analysis does not occur to them.
Posted by Abby Cunningham on February 5, 2013, at 19:21:25
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online » Dr. Bob, posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2013, at 15:17:13
I have a relative who is in her 50's and fell in love with someone on "Second Life" and is now living with him several states away. I can't understand it.
Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2013, at 23:39:23
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
It's a rather negative point of view you're giving. I don't see why it would be considered such an odd thing. Certainly there can be scammers. But I don't see that in person mating is free from perils. In some ways it is likely safer.
For people who are comfortable with written expression, online communications can lead to intimacy that is far harder to achieve face to face. As people on babble have discovered, it is very easy to open yourself up to people you don't actually have to look in the eye.
In some ways it may even hark back to a more innocent time of letter writing and pen pals. You can fall in love with someone without actually seeing them, because you fall in love with who they really are. Not with a collection of pleasing or displeasing physical features. Someone who might not have appealed on a purely visual level can be surprisingly attractive once you know what they're like on the inside. Just as in the best marriages, a spouse can be beautiful no matter what time and experience has done to the physical self.
Moreover, no matter how many church activities (or bars) you go to, and no matter how many people you work with, or charities or hobby groups you spend time with, there's a limit to how many people you actually meet. Online there is no limit at all. You might just meet someone with a love of 17th century French poetry and skateboarding and the precise sort of humor you find delightful that you would have been hard pressed to find in the more limited social circle in your immediate area.
I don't understand what the issue is. No matter how you meet someone, there is a time of getting to know each other better. If some of the getting to know each other is done before physical contact, I don't see the issue really. I wouldn't advise people *marry* without meeting, and continuing the process of weighing whether the person you "love" is someone you can stand waking up next to for the rest of your life, or being the ideal parent for your children. But overall, it might be best to do some of the preliminary study in a way less influenced by hormones than were one to meet, for example, on an inebriated and scantily garbed vacation for Mardi Gras.
People, especially researchers, should have less of a bias.
Posted by 10derheart on February 7, 2013, at 11:48:34
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on February 6, 2013, at 23:39:23
Exactly, on all points.
You really are insightful and brilliant, you know.
'bye.
Posted by SLS on February 7, 2013, at 16:25:00
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online » Dinah, posted by 10derheart on February 7, 2013, at 11:48:34
Don't think that your post went unnoticed!
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 8, 2013, at 18:19:08
In reply to falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2013, at 22:03:31
> Got a call the other day from someone who wanted to interview me.
I thought you all made great points. They should've interviewed you instead of me! FYI, here's what ended up being aired:
Bob
Posted by Phillipa on February 8, 2013, at 20:47:49
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 8, 2013, at 18:19:08
Dr Bob I agree very valid. Great interview congrats. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on February 12, 2013, at 1:06:46
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 8, 2013, at 18:19:08
Overly trusting and conflict averse?
I think what you said applies to relationships on or offline. No matter where you interact with others, it pays to relatively cautious.
I appreciate your not discounting online relationships just because they are online.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 13, 2013, at 0:15:03
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on February 12, 2013, at 1:06:46
> Overly trusting and conflict averse?
>
> I think what you said applies to relationships on or offline. No matter where you interact with others, it pays to relatively cautious.
>
> I appreciate your not discounting online relationships just because they are online.That's the last thing I'd do! :-)
Bob
Posted by Moishe Pipik on February 25, 2013, at 10:39:22
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online, posted by Dr. Bob on February 13, 2013, at 0:15:03
I "met" someone in Babble Chat in 2004. We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.
The football player story is a whole nother realm of stupidity.
Posted by 10derheart on February 25, 2013, at 20:08:25
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online, posted by Moishe Pipik on February 25, 2013, at 10:39:22
>>I "met" someone in Babble Chat in 2004. We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.
This makes my day. Smiling, smiling, smiling.
God bless you both, BTW.
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 8, 2013, at 16:48:23
In reply to Re: falling in love with someone online, posted by Moishe Pipik on February 25, 2013, at 10:39:22
> I "met" someone in Babble Chat in 2004. We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.
A good partner can do wonders for mental health. Happy anniversary!
Bob
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