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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 10:08:21
The perpetual problem is that I don't know which way to be. This ammounts to a never-ceasing fakery.
I just ran into an older individual whom I deeply admire and should feel comfortable with, yet the entire time I spoke to him, I felt out of control and fake. I had the sense of being unable to control the words that came out of my mouth-- they just came out fast and all-together. I know that I said most of what I did while smiling, but it was a nervous, anxious, fake smile, hiding a desperate abyss inside that feels as if it will erupt at any moment. This problem of being fake, unreal, a mirror, without any substance-- this is what nearly every interaction is like. Every now and then, there will be an interaction that seems genuine, but this just makes the usual feelings of fake-ness all the more obvious and unbearable.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:30:14
In reply to Which way to Be?, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 10:08:21
I will add, that last fall-- in the midst of this chaos and hell-- I ran into an acquaintance.
We exchanged the superficial "how are you?" fine "how are you?" busy, but making it. fine. questions. Total b*llsh*t. I never know how to respond to that. I usually just try to say something honest in my words-- I guess "fine" is closer to the truth than "good"-- but it's still pretty damn far away.
I most have that awful smile on my face, because she made the comment, "look at you-- always having a smile on your face. You are always smiling."
I wanted to scream, no, I am dying. The smile is just covering it up. But I just smiled on and then went back to my place and cried.
Except for my therapist, this is how everyone knows me-- as this smiling fake. This is what I need out of-- I don't know how to bust the split between the two selves. How to stop being fake. How to be real.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:32:47
In reply to Smiling all the time?, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:30:14
I will add...one more thing
I have waited so desperately for my session tomorrow-- it has been 9 days since last we met. Now, they are calling for snow tomorrow! I feel panicked. The extended forecast for 7 days is clear for every day EXCEPT for tomorrow. DAMN IT. I feel like the universe is against me. If my session gets cancelled tomorrow, I won't be able to stand it. F*ck.
Posted by Dinah on February 8, 2011, at 15:16:25
In reply to one more thing..., posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:32:47
Is it necessarily such a bad thing to have a public face? I think most people do. I remember my father. At the eulogy people were telling me their impressions of him and I remember thinking "Good heavens. They believed his telephone voice."
I'm probably altogether too open with others about my true feelings but even then, there's a reserve.
I remember after Katrina, I found it astonishing that very few people were walking around whining. (I was one of the few, I fear.) People would be saying "Oh, I was really lucky. We have a two story house and we're able to camp out on the upper floor with a camp stove." Or "My house will have to be torn down, but we're really lucky that we didn't lose anyone in the family."
When I was young, I was really acting out a lot as a teen. One day I decided it really wasn't gaining me anything I wanted, so I decided to pretend to be ok. To my utter astonishment, people accepted my about face, and thought I really was ok. I was a bit put out really, that no one could see how much pain I was in.
But there it is.
Sometimes life is like carrying a heavy load that you just can't put down, but can't possibly carry until you reach your destination. Yet of course you can, and do, because there is no other choice.
I hope you can see your therapist tomorrow. But if you can't a trick that sometimes works for me is to tell myself that had I seen him, it would be just as long till the next time I see him.
Posted by Daisym on February 8, 2011, at 15:43:46
In reply to one more thing..., posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:32:47
Research actually shows that "faking" a smile results in one feeling better. The mirror neurons in our brain react to the feedback loop we get from others - and when we smile, typically they smile. So maybe it starts out forced and faked but if you are open to it, you might find tiny bits of good feeling. Nurture these.
My therapist often tells me that the trick in life is to know who to tell what to. You have "fun" friends who keep you up but can't go deep with. And you have "deep" friends (maybe one or two) who you confide in, or just sit and feel bad with. And we all have many acquaintences whom we enjoy but have no lasting connection to. Thank goodness this is true because it would be so exhausting to be in touch with your feelings all the time and to have to manage that! I think I'd be a walking psychological bruise if this were true.
If your session gets canceled - perhaps try a two voice writing project. Be yourself and be your therapist. Really try to get in character what he would say (not what you want him to say) and respond to that. You'll be surprised where it goes.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 20:48:41
In reply to Re: one more thing..., posted by Daisym on February 8, 2011, at 15:43:46
Thanks both of you, for your thoughts. I appreciate your responses.
It is just sooo hard and sooo devastating to wait this long and not be able to meet, especially since I feel like time is not on my side. I worry that I won't be able to sleep tonight. And then I am so scared my session will be canceled. This is so hard.
About faking it-- yes, I think I see and agree with you that we are in different roles for different people and in different situations. Also, we probably shouldn't wear our hearts totally on our sleeve, like the world is our therapists' couch. But...I really feel a sense of being fake that I just don't think most of the people around me have to struggle with on a daily basis-- I feel it to the sense that it dramatically interrupts my daily functioning. It makes me afraid. It makes me mess up interviews. I makes me be able to be close to no one.
I look around me and a lot of people, while they aren't always doom and gloom, do, I think, have a reasonably honest way of presenting themselves. They don't always smile if things are fine. They aren't mean about it, but they are honest.
That I am not.
Posted by sigismund on February 8, 2011, at 21:04:28
In reply to Re: one more thing... » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on February 8, 2011, at 15:16:25
>Sometimes life is like carrying a heavy load that you just can't put down, but can't possibly carry until you reach your destination. Yet of course you can, and do, because there is no other choice.
Of course you are right.
That might be one reason the Christian story resonates so deeply for many.
Posted by lola_2 on February 8, 2011, at 21:47:15
In reply to Re: one more thing..., posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 20:48:41
> It is just sooo hard and sooo devastating to wait this long and not be able to meet, especially since I feel like time is not on my side. I worry that I won't be able to sleep tonight. And then I am so scared my session will be canceled. This is so hard.Keep telling yourself it isn't going to be cancelled. allow yourself to worry and be upset if it does get cancelled, but right now you are wasting good nonworry time on something that might or might not happen. And I personally think it will not be cancelled (positive energy your way)
>
> About faking it-- yes, I think I see and agree with you that we are in different roles for different people and in different situations. Also, we probably shouldn't wear our hearts totally on our sleeve, like the world is our therapists' couch. But...I really feel a sense of being fake that I just don't think most of the people around me have to struggle with on a daily basis-- I feel it to the sense that it dramatically interrupts my daily functioning. It makes me afraid. It makes me mess up interviews. I makes me be able to be close to no one.This is something you definately should talk to your therapist about. Im a different person with so many people. I also carry a smile everywhere. Mostly guenuine but when Im having a bad day I just want to bite people's heads off, not smile. And sometimes I do. But overall, Its just more appropriate to show the hurting side of yourself to select people and have a front for everyone else. Keep your facade for the more superfiticial relationships and start to show your friends and family a little of how you feel. They may surprise you and be really supportive.
>
> I look around me and a lot of people, while they aren't always doom and gloom, do, I think, have a reasonably honest way of presenting themselves. They don't always smile if things are fine. They aren't mean about it, but they are honest.
> That I am not.
Maybe try to be honest with the people close to you. It might be a huge weight off yoru shoulders. I believe a lot of people walk around in pain but not showing it.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 22:57:51
In reply to Re: one more thing... » Annabelle Smith, posted by lola_2 on February 8, 2011, at 21:47:15
Thanks for your positive thoughts, Lola. I am trying, but I have felt periodically nauseous this evening regarding it.
I checked the hour-by-hour extended weather online, and the latest is that it is supposed to begin snowing by 9am and not stop until 10pm-- with accumulation and temps below freezing all day. And then...next Monday, it is supposed to be in the 50's. wtf! When it snows, my therapist has to leave because the roads get so bad here.
I have to just wait until the morning. But my sleep will not be peaceful. I am feeling the urge of a humongous binge coming on tonight. Dear f'n God.
Posted by sigismund on February 9, 2011, at 21:48:39
In reply to Smiling all the time?, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 14:30:14
>We exchanged the superficial "how are you?" fine
I rarely answer anything other than 'Alright' to that question. Most people then say 'Just alright?', to which you can say with a touch of severity 'Yes, just alright.'
You can say (which I did once) 'Don't ask. Just don't ask.'
And then there was the time I took advantage of a recent death (quite shamelessly, I surprised myself) by answering the checkout girl's question with 'My mother just died'.
And then there is the old favourite
'I feel like slitting my wrists'.And novel approaches like 'Tired of standing up' and 'Unexcited to be engaged in conversation'.
'So far so good' is promising.
This is the end of the thread.
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