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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 15:38:30
My Babblebreak didn't last long. I already needed to come back. I need the support right now from you guys. I was getting support through email conversations with a group called the Samaritans.
It was really helpful and enabled me to get through the past few days during the holidays and away from my therapist. But I have written too much to them. Their last response was short and I could tell, trying to wrap it up. I really opened up my heart and told them some honest things in my last email to them; I think I am really bad because their response was exactly what I would expect, though not hope for. Basically, it seemed dismissive-- we hear you are in pain and are struggling; these questions of meaning, self, God, and truth are things that everybody wrestles with (i.e. you are no different and aren't really suffering, you are just going through a "phase").
I relied upon typing to them my heart every day. And now that is gone. Their last response was this:
"Sharing emotions and feelings with others and trying to understand why you are affected by them can be helpful." There is nobody to f-ckin share them with! I feel like I am going crazy. Nobody believes me. Everyone expects me to do this all alone. I feel cosmically alone.Does everybody feel this way? Am I (or those of us on here) different? Does borderline personality disorder make you experience the world differently? I feel awful. Suicide often feels like the only way out-- but these feelings come and go. I am fake to everyone; yet, I feel like I have no reason to feel wrong. Also, I am so obsessed and attached to my therapist. He doesn't know that it is to such a high degree. I feel so lost and chaotic.
I wish someone could help me and save me.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 15:59:56
In reply to Already back, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 15:38:30
I must read your other posts here. I read one yesterday and found it interesting, very interesting. But I was only passing through. It mentioned being known and maybe truth vs fakery, or could it have been true and false self?
Anyway, my immediate feeling is that it is not mpossible to find people to share this sort of stuff with. At least, I have been able to, although not easily. I don't know about this borderline business. What you talk about makes sense to me.
Posted by mystickangaroo on December 27, 2010, at 17:02:44
In reply to Already back, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 15:38:30
> My Babblebreak didn't last long. I already needed to come back. I need the support right now from you guys. I was getting support through email conversations with a group called the Samaritans.
>
> It was really helpful and enabled me to get through the past few days during the holidays and away from my therapist. But I have written too much to them. Their last response was short and I could tell, trying to wrap it up. I really opened up my heart and told them some honest things in my last email to them; I think I am really bad because their response was exactly what I would expect, though not hope for. Basically, it seemed dismissive-- we hear you are in pain and are struggling; these questions of meaning, self, God, and truth are things that everybody wrestles with (i.e. you are no different and aren't really suffering, you are just going through a "phase").> Annabelle you are reading a whole other meaning from what I am reading. What I see is somebody trying to affirm the reality of your feeings. The depth of them. And the universality of them. So it is not just you ~ something distintively "wrong" with you. The pain you feel is The Universal Pain. And it DOES HURT. ALOT.
> I relied upon typing to them my heart every day. And now that is gone. Their last response was this:
> "Sharing emotions and feelings with others and trying to understand why you are affected by them can be helpful."What is stopping you emailing them again??
Nobody believes me.
Babblers believe you. And no not because we all have a diagnosis....... We are human and in Pain too.
Everyone expects me to do this all alone. I feel cosmically alone.A thought. Could you write to your T? I know he is on holidays but somehow I find it helpful. Sometimes I share what I have written sometimes I don't. My T encourages me too as it strenghtens the sense of connection. That we don't have to be in the same room for the relationhsip to "work". and I don't feel so abandoned. It has been good for me.
I am having a guess here but I wonder if the Samaritans meant talking with your T.
>
> Does everybody feel this way? Am I (or those of us on here) different? yet, I feel like I have no reason to feel wrong.
Also, I am so obsessed and attached to my therapist. He doesn't know that it is to such a high degree. I feel so lost and chaotic.>
> I wish someone could help me and save me.You are doing a good job of looking after yourself. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are. You are looking for help. And you are getting it. It may not be coming in the form you like or expect but it is there for you. Just as you are.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 21:57:32
In reply to Already back, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 15:38:30
I just got in a fight with my mom.
I told her way too much. I made the mistake of opening up, and things just got so much worse. She ignores me when I am upset. She admitted to that tonight. We got into it and she told me that when she looks in my eyes, she can tell that I suffer every day. She said that if she brings it up, she makes me mad; if she doesn't, she makes me mad. That's kind of true. She is in a no-win situation. That's why I should just leave her out of this. but i didn't tonight.
She ended up getting and feeling blamed for all of this. We got into how I felt guilty for leaving home, like she couldn't make it without me. And I notice how much pain she is in-- but I cause more. She tells me that I am free to go-- that it is hard for her to let me go, but she is trying to do better. She says that she feels like she is losing everyone in her life-- her father is 91 and she thinks this is his last Christmas. My brother will soon leave the house; my dad is never home.She told me that she is afraid of losing me too. I tell her that she can't have this fix-it mentality, because this is something she can't fix. I brought my therapist into it. I alluded to some of my attachment to him and it worries her. She refers to him as "this guy." She began to insist that i needed to take pills for an instant fix. I told her there is no instant fix. She tells me she is afraid that I am going to hurt myself. I think so too but I tell her no. I feel like I am going to hurt myself or kill myself. This feels like the only way out.
Then she blames herself, because the truth is, I am just like her in so many ways. She tells me she is sorry that I inherited her bad traits-- she also has no close friends, says she doesn't know how to act, gets bursts of depression and bad moods.
The truth is that I do blame her for a lot. She can't help me because she is the problem. I can never tell her this. Because all she does is love me. It is her presence that makes me feel awful, her voice that irritates me, her worries that weigh me down. I can't escape her. I don't know how I can love and hate someone so much.She asked me if when I see "this guy," meaning my therapist, if we talk about my mother. I lied and said no. But the answer is yes. I feel like she thinks my relationship to my therapist is inappropriate. She doesn't understand about attachment and psychotherapy. All I know is that I need my therapist-- he is filling what feels like an inner void in me right now. It's something that has to do with my mom, but that is all I know.
Attachment and psychotherapy. I am so confused. Am I inappropriate for feeling so strongly towards my therapist, like he is safety and God and my mother? I can't help it. I have hurt my mom so bad. I can never talk to her again about this. I am so alone and I want to go to sleep and never, ever, ever f-ckin ever wake up.
I write letters to god and put them under my pillow asking god to take me away to let me not wake up. to make it stop. please please dear god.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 28, 2010, at 2:00:30
In reply to Re: Already back, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 21:57:32
It sounds, though, as if your mother is trying to be empathetic. But she may also feel threatened by your relationship with your therapist. I feel sorry for your mother. Her husband isn't around, her daughter seems distant and she is losing her father. It might help you to talk to this with your T and try to gain some distance and empathy for your mother. It's not as if she was abusive to you or neglectful, right? Sometimes working through our issues with parents can be really healing.
Posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 6:19:47
In reply to Re: Already back, posted by emmanuel98 on December 28, 2010, at 2:00:30
Annabelle
I'd like to ask if you are a christian. Not to judge or shame. It's just when I read your posts I can see Jesus in the Garden of Gesthmene praying drops of blood because he has such a hard choice to make. And God did not take that choice away. Jesus choice led to new life...
Posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 14:40:47
In reply to Re: Already back » emmanuel98, posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 6:19:47
Am a bit concerned that I crossed a line Annabelle. Should have stopped at the question and not continued on. I'm sorry if I assumed something about you and your faith tradition/position.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on December 28, 2010, at 15:27:27
In reply to oops meant Annabelle not Emmanuel » mystickangaroo, posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 14:40:47
I appreciate your post, Mystickangaroo.
(I'm not sure if we've met, I mostly lurk on this board.)
PartlyCloudy
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 28, 2010, at 16:22:41
In reply to oops meant Annabelle not Emmanuel » mystickangaroo, posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 14:40:47
Mystickangaroo, I also appreciated what you had to say. No, you didn't cross a boundary with me. Actually, the words you said helped me a little.
Posted by mystickangaroo on December 28, 2010, at 18:58:15
In reply to Re: oops meant Annabelle not Emmanuel » mystickangaroo, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 28, 2010, at 15:27:27
Thank you Partly Cloudy. Pleased to meet you.
This is the end of the thread.
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