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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 1:15:28
So, my T is on vacation this week. Usually that's hard, but not ridiculously so. I was really worried it would be really hard this time now that I'm so used to seeing her 3x a week. She's just a very regular part of my week/life.
I thought about it, made a plan... things were going well. No freak outs. There still aren't any freakouts, but I really need to talk to her. One of the things I wrote down in my "plan" was to remember that mostly my need for her is general (the relationship) not specific.
But now I need her specifically. I think I can wait, but really wish I didn't have to. In fact, I feel like I'm kinda holding stuff in until she gets back. Here's what happened. Monday night I couldn't sleep... I was laying in bed on my back... sorta staring at the ceiling. Then I heard the back outside door (I live on the second floor in an apt building that is currently under construction and scaffolding is up) in a way that seemed unusual, enough to make me listen more. Then I thought I heard climbing (my upstairs neighbor is a drunk and sometimes looses his keys and has climbed over the rail before) and then all of the sudden I see a shadow of a head and torso through the curtains of my window. I flip my sh*t, jump up, and start pounding on the windows... screaming like a banshee "go away" and who knows what else. Then all of the sudden, the window is broken (I broke through it) and now there is no barrier so I'm even more terrified, then I see the person- a sweet faced 20 something who is clearly not going to hurt me. I'm still screaming though and am like "what are you doing, go away". He was drunk and decided to climb the scaffolding. He didn't think, he felt bad, offered me money for the window... he kept apologizing and by then I was sobbing hysterically. I had to beg him to leave because he kept trying to give me the money.
He finally left, I called several friends hysterical.. none picked up (it was just before 2am). I put garbage bags on the window and went to a hotel. This all came a week and a half after the said drunk neighbor tried to use his keys to get into my apt... waking me up from a dead sleep and causing me to call 911 right after I pounded on the door and said "what are you doing, go away" and he said sorry and did.
Both events were nothing in the end, but they both scared the bejesus out of me. The first was scary, the second was terrorizing. I think because of seeing the person and breaking the window (luckily the curtain was between me and the glass so I only have a few little cuts on my knuckles).
Anyway, I keep having flashbacks (feeling memories) to that terror and it brings me to tears. I don't know what I think my T will do for me, but now I need her specifically, not generally.
Sigh... just thought I'd share, figured if anyone would understand that I need her most it would be you all.
Any good coping strategies until Monday?
WIP
Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2010, at 9:48:25
In reply to Bad timing for T vacation..., posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 1:15:28
How terrifying! I'm so glad you're ok.
It's totally understandable that you'd want your therapist right now, and isn't it amazing that they always seem to be gone when the most traumatic things happen?
What would help you feel safe? Is there someone or something that you can *do* so that you'll feel more in control? Can something be done to make the scaffolding access inaccessible?
Posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 9:58:01
In reply to Re: Bad timing for T vacation... » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on March 18, 2010, at 9:48:25
It was terrifying Dinah... even though it was nothing, there was that moment when I thought the worst (whatever that is) was about to happen to me.
The timing was interesting for several reasons. One, T gone. Two, the closeness to the previous incident. And three, the fact that the scaffolding had been up since August without incident (they warned us to call 911 if we saw anyone on it off hours- apparently not uncommon) and came down YESTERDAY. Lucky me.
So, that makes me feel safer... but I keep having the image pop into my head. I think I'm going to get curtains that won't show shadows... some big thick velvety ones.
I don't feel so much unsafe, as just unsettled. Make sense? And I don't really know what T will do for me, except be a caring mom I suppose. But she's really good at that. I won't even tell my mom for various reasons (she'll worry AND she won't do a very good job about being the caring empathic warm loving mom).
Thanks for responding Dinah...
WIP
> How terrifying! I'm so glad you're ok.
>
> It's totally understandable that you'd want your therapist right now, and isn't it amazing that they always seem to be gone when the most traumatic things happen?
>
> What would help you feel safe? Is there someone or something that you can *do* so that you'll feel more in control? Can something be done to make the scaffolding access inaccessible?
Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2010, at 14:18:27
In reply to Re: Bad timing for T vacation... » Dinah, posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 9:58:01
It's amazing isn't it?
How *held* they can make us feel. Without a single touch.
I wish I had that ability.
I'm at the very least glad you're safe now, and that the scaffold is down. Is your apartment generally safe? Is there any way to change the way the window looks? Change the curtains or window treatment?
Posted by rnny on March 18, 2010, at 16:51:06
In reply to Bad timing for T vacation..., posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 1:15:28
Is there any place you can stay until she gets back? Maybe you will feel safer. If not, put furniture, etc. in front of the window so no one can get in and do the same when you lock your door at night.
Posted by Annierose on March 18, 2010, at 17:58:07
In reply to Bad timing for T vacation..., posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 1:15:28
How scary! You acted so brave --- confronting the "intruder". Anyone would fall apart under those circumstances.
I'm glad you reached out to us. T's vacations are never easy, especially when a traumatic event occurs smack dab in the middle of trying to cope.
One thing that I have found helpful, and it's not in my nature, so I forced myself to do this when my t was away and I was hurting (for whatever reason) is to write them a letter. Not to give them necessarily (at least I never did). But to get all my feelings out on paper was a huge relief. Daisy suggested this to me time and time again, and when I finally did this exercise, I was able to make peace with my worries.
I'm glad the scaffold is down too. Keep yourself safe.
Posted by emmanuel98 on March 18, 2010, at 20:01:41
In reply to Re: Bad timing for T vacation... » Dinah, posted by workinprogress on March 18, 2010, at 9:58:01
I'm glad for you that the scaffolding came down. That would make me very nervous. But now you can feel better knowing that noone can climb up into your window, right?
I lived in Manhattan years ago and woke up as someone was trying to break through the grate on my bedroom window from the fire escape. I jumped up, ran out of the apartment and woke up a neighbor who was a fearless, ex-Navy Seal. He went upstairs and scared the bejesus out of the guy trying to break in.
So I know the feeling. It's terrifying, especially at night when you're in bed and so vulnerable.
But your T will be back soon and by then you'll probably be able to laugh about it.
Posted by workinprogress on March 20, 2010, at 1:58:46
In reply to Re: Bad timing for T vacation... » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on March 18, 2010, at 14:18:27
It's pretty lovely. It's interesting, my friend, who's very supportive of therapy and my relationship with my T generally said "maybe this was a lesson for you to learn how to not need her" or something like that. And I thought about the conversation T and I had just before she left, how it's crazy what a big deal it felt like for her to leave, but it was only for a week. She said "well WIP... mom's are really important". I thought of that when my friend said what she said... if I had talked about wanting to talk to my mom/connect with my mom after something traumatic like that happened... but she was out of the country or something and couldn't be reached. If that had been the case, nobody would have said, well, now you know that you don't need your mom. Or this is teaching you to not need her. Interesting...
But yes, scaffolding down, window now repaired and this weekend I'm going to get thick velvety, non-shadowing curtains. Flashbacks seem to be lessening, which is good.
WIP
> It's amazing isn't it?
>
> How *held* they can make us feel. Without a single touch.
>
> I wish I had that ability.
>
> I'm at the very least glad you're safe now, and that the scaffold is down. Is your apartment generally safe? Is there any way to change the way the window looks? Change the curtains or window treatment?
Posted by workinprogress on March 20, 2010, at 2:02:29
In reply to Re: Bad timing for T vacation..., posted by emmanuel98 on March 18, 2010, at 20:01:41
Thank you for the support and empathy. I really do appreciate it. Like I said in the above post... things are settling back to normal, so that's good. And T comes back Monday and I see her first thing. I'm in the home stretch!
WIP
This is the end of the thread.
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