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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
T says:
"You should pay me double to put up with you."
"Why don't you just leave" (stated several times)I walked out.
Since then, all that has been going through my head and heart:
1) "you're not worth the monthly paycheck we get to care for you" (stated in various ways by various foster homes when i was growing up)
2) Getting dumped by numerous foster homes after x amount of time.Funny...therapy really does replicate the past.
Maybe some people don't deserve a shot to try and fix their badness and their selves. Maybe it's all about destiny.
Posted by Annierose on May 16, 2009, at 14:28:40
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
Sounds like you need a different therapist --- a caring, kind, professional one. They do exist.
I'm sorry your are being hurt.
Posted by seldomseen on May 16, 2009, at 16:18:15
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
So much in a therapeutic situation depends on context.
Have you told your therapist that when he says those things that you hear the words of foster parents and it hurts you?
If you have, and your T continues to say them, then it may be time to look elsewhere.
It doesn't have to be anyone's destiny to be hurt, or continue to replicate the past.
Seldom.
Posted by BirdSong on May 16, 2009, at 17:26:05
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
Actually I don't think it is appropriate in any context for a T to say ~ "You should pay me double to PUT UP with you."
It's hurtful and degrading. If I was that much of a problem, referring me out would have been more professional.
Posted by Sigismund on May 16, 2009, at 18:44:56
In reply to Re: Has your T ever hurt you like this?))Seldomse, posted by BirdSong on May 16, 2009, at 17:26:05
>Actually I don't think it is appropriate in any context for a T to say ~ "You should pay me double to PUT UP with you."
Me neither.
There are better ways of dealing with difficulty and anger, such as not speaking at all.
That is not my idea of therapy.
Posted by raisinb on May 16, 2009, at 23:47:59
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
Okay, I agree that a lot depends on context. First, was your therapist joking when s/he made the comment about "paying double?" I can see affectionate sarcasm, but I can also see malice there.
The "why don't you just leave" when clients talk about what's not working for them is a shady way of shutting down discussion.
Overall, I don't like the sound of this person. Would it be devastating for you to fire the T? If not, why not do it? Please don't feel like you deserve to be treated this way. That feeling can keep clients stuck in bad therapy relationships for wa too long.
Posted by Cecilia on May 17, 2009, at 3:20:16
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
I had a T hurt me like that, Birdsong. I was attached to her like glue, and after 7 years of therapy, she told me she dreaded our sessions. That was nearly 12 years ago, haven't seen her since, still hurts A LOT. I don't know if it's destiny, but I do think therapy is a lot like banks only wanting to lend money to people who already have it. Therapists like to feel like they're good at their jobs, they don't like people who aren't grateful or don't get better. Which tends to be those of us who had lousy childhoods for whatever reason. I'm sorry your T and your foster families hurt you so much. I wasn't in foster care, but I too had a lot of pain in my childhood. Still, I don't think anyone hurt me as much as my ex-T. Cecilia
Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2009, at 8:16:08
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
> Maybe some people don't deserve a shot to try and fix their badness and their selves. Maybe it's all about destiny.
Maybe it's a lot about finding the right therapist. I've walked out on a therapist who didn't say that precisely but did say enough rude things that I asked him if he thought he was able to work with me given his apparent countertransference towards me. He asked in return if I thought I was able to work with him given my transference towards him. I said no as politely as I could, and we ended our association.
I believe he considered himself "direct" and "no nonsense". He called them as he saw them. Unfortunately, I think he made too little effort to make sure he saw things correctly before he called them.
There are jerky therapists out there. There's no need to keep seeing one, because there are good well trained therapists out there too.
I'd have walked out too.
It's not fate telling you that therapy isn't any good for you though. It's a therapist's actions demonstrating that he isn't the right therapist for you.
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:46:38
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
Oh. My. God. Your therapist is a complete a__hole. I am so, so sorry that a professional has said such horrible things to you. You DO deserve better. You deserve a kind, caring professional who puts YOUR needs above his or her own. And if you feel up to it, consider complaining to your state's licensing board. This is unconscionable. You need support and healing, not denigration and pain. I'm so very sorry.
> T says:
> "You should pay me double to put up with you."
> "Why don't you just leave" (stated several times)
>
> I walked out.
>
> Since then, all that has been going through my head and heart:
> 1) "you're not worth the monthly paycheck we get to care for you" (stated in various ways by various foster homes when i was growing up)
> 2) Getting dumped by numerous foster homes after x amount of time.
>
> Funny...therapy really does replicate the past.
>
> Maybe some people don't deserve a shot to try and fix their badness and their selves. Maybe it's all about destiny.
>
>
>
>
Posted by B2chica on May 18, 2009, at 8:07:16
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
wow, this really got me steaming.
FIRST of all you ARE WORTH HELPING.
no offense but i think your T was unethical and quite frankly...an A$$.
what a HORRIBLE thing to say to a patient, EVEN if it was jokingly said, which i dont think it was in your case.so walk out YES and NEVER look back.
**************
Secondly, unfortunately there are WAY too many foster homes like that. i even know a couple (some neighbors) that i wish we'rent' foster parents. as i think they can make a childs situation Worse because of little comments i hear them say.
i'm sorry you had to live through that.
BUT remember, you are Done now. they can't and WON'T hurt you anymore!therapy SHOULDN"T replicate pain in the past.
Bad therapist...bad bad BAD therapist!
**************i've seen my share of doosies. you need to just advocate for yourself and say, nope...you're wrong.
and start looking for another one.
pooey on him/her!!!!!*************
Please Please remember. that T obviously has their own issues. it is NOT a reflection of you!
i tell you i've been Less than and Easy client to both my T's and They've been Fantastic about it.
i did have a couple doosies inbetween and one in particular made some comments that hurt me deeply and actually confused me more.but that's what also pushed me to leave and find the best T ever.
Best wishes!
b2c.
Posted by seldomseen on May 18, 2009, at 12:02:39
In reply to Re: Has your T ever hurt you like this?))Seldomse, posted by BirdSong on May 16, 2009, at 17:26:05
Perhaps you are right. Although I have found that the view from the outside looking in (therapist) and the inside looking out (us) is evidentally quite different.
Do you think that your T has any idea the effect those statements had on you?
I've walked out of therapist's office before. One time it was because I was utterly convinced that the therapist was a total quack. Looking back on the other times though, I can clearly see it was a defensive power play on my part and did nothing to advance my therapy.
There is so much to sort out on the way to recovery and one of the biggest challenges I still face is dealing with a strong trigger from the past.
It's so hard to look directly at something and try to see it for what it really is *at that moment* independent of what my past brings to it. Usually all I really want to do is just run, attack or zone out.
I typically find that more information reveals a more enlightened perspective.
I say talk to your therapist, explain to him very clearly how those words affected you. See how he responds and then make a decision.
You have active and not *reactive* agency in this situation
What everyone is saying is true, there are a lot of outstanding therapists out there and yours may not be one of them. But you never know what may transpire unless you communicate with them.
Seldom.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 18, 2009, at 14:56:34
In reply to Has your T ever hurt you like this?, posted by Birdsong on May 16, 2009, at 13:56:15
I am SO sorry. That was horrific (what he said); he should lose his license.
That was verbal abuse (words which disempower). SHAME, SHAME on him....what cruelty.
I am so sorry.
Love, Sassy
This is the end of the thread.
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