![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:19:23
My story is boring and long, but I'm interested in finding out if babblers believe that someone who experienced csa can ever really be healed.
Here's what I mean. I know that if a child doesn't attach to a primary caretaker very early in life, they may never be able to recoup that primary experience. I know others can speak to this subject so much more eloquently than I can.
So this has me thinking. Can very young csa be healed later in life? Our personalities and core beliefs are formed so early, is it possible for us to change them? Can "reframing" or any type of psychotherapy ever make up for what was so distorted for some of us (OK, me) at such a young impressionable age?
Or is the goal to just find a way to live with it. To not have it run my life, but to accept it in some way and move on. But can the core beliefs that I developed about myself as a result of the csa ever change? Or can we only hope to change how we feel about ourselves today. But how do I short circuit those awful feelings I have about myself because of the csa? The csa shaped how I view myself and now I'm wondering if it's ever possible to change that.
antigua
Posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 15:26:34
In reply to Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:19:23
I think it's possible. I think people grow no matter what; that people tend toward growth and not the opposite or stagnation.
I think it's a long road, though, with a lot of bumps and potholes. Progress for me comes in a lot of steps, all of which hurt like h*ll and in retrospect no one step ever seems transformative in a thoroughgoing way. Apparently the therapy process is cumulative -- and really inefficient.
At the same time, it helps me to remember that it took me eighteen long years to grow up and leave home. It is going to take me some time to unlearn the old patterns. I am always surprised at how pervasive they are. My mother's madness was like a rhizome root system -- no matter how carefully I try to root it out, shoots keep popping up in all sorts of places.
Anyway: it sounds like you feel demoralized. I know the feeling, if that's what it is. I'm sorry you're in this space. It is a hard place to be.
- BSD
Posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 18:44:28
In reply to Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:19:23
Antigua,
I don't know if my post will be helpful, as I'm not a csa survivor. The abuse and neglect I experienced was emotional.But yes, I believe healing is possible and--more importantly--that it's absolutely necessary *to* believe it. Whether or not it empirically *is* in some absolute sense, isn't it better to embrace the belief than not to?
And you will get there--I hear the wisdom and the transformative experiences in your posts, and I think your struggle shows that your spirit can't be broken.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:55:11
In reply to Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:19:23
It doesn't appear to be the case for me (that total healing is possible), but I hope it is for you. I think it's possible that I just don't have the right mix of brain chemistry and success with close relationships to pull it off for myself.
This is probably not helpful. I'm sorry.
((((((((Antigua))))))))
Posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:07:39
In reply to Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger**, posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:19:23
I used to believe that there was no getting over or "moving on" from CSA. That there was just moving with it. Somehow absorbing it and adapting.
I no longer believe that. I'm convinced that wound can be healed. I think our trust can ultimately be earned and we can return to our childlike selves again.
I think the kind of therapy that helps the most is relationship-based therapy. The relationship with the therapist is what is healing. If for no other reason than we learn that there is safety to be had. Unfortunately, though I have no evidence of this, I suspect that is the longest course of therapy and the most painful.
It took me 8 years to learn that there was nothing to fear from my therapist. 8 long years filled with rupture and repair. It took a tremendous amount of courage and energy from me to continue.
But now I feel that gaping wound closing as I open to the relationship. I feel like a child must feel in the presence of stable, benign parents when I'm with my T. As a result I feel more stable, more confident out in the adult world.
Instead of running away from upsets, I feel as though I have people to run to. From an outsider looking in, it's been an amazing transformation. One I didn't think was possible for me at all.
I do still grieve for my childhood occasionally and it's an old familiar sadness. It contrasts starkly with the warmth and quiet I am now capable of feeling. I've come to a place where there is not simply the absence of pain, but the presence of good.
So yeah, if my journey is illustrative in any way, then healing is most definately possible.
I'm convinced there is a whole world out there for me yet, and I bet there is one for you too antigua.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on April 3, 2009, at 18:39:08
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:07:39
First of all, Seldom that was a wonderful post. I so hope your words are right. It is hard sometimes to believe that healing is indeed possible because the road to it is often as rocky as the road that led us to this shaky precipice of damage.
Antigua,
I don't know frankly. Sometimes a part of me would say absolutely healing is possible but I have too many parts in me that point out all the things wrong with that outlook.
So I am going to try and lean toward all the wonderful things seldom said. I am going to look and try to find my peaceful self.
You do too ok.
rsk
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 20:09:39
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger** » antigua3, posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 20:07:39
Seldomseen has been saying what I haven't found the words to say lately.
That was beautiful.
Posted by antigua3 on April 4, 2009, at 20:12:01
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? csa trigger**, posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 20:09:39
Thanks for all the responses. I'm happy to hear that most who replied believed that healing is really possible, and TherapyGirl, you're going through a rough patch so I'm not sure I believe you. :)
I guess I'm wondering if it's biologically or neurologically possible to heal from this. Do children who don't attach early on ever recover? Some would say they don't, no matter the love they receive. What is it that we receive in the first five years of life that is essential and irreplacable? Especially if it has been taken away from us, or damaged, or ruined.
Maybe I'm just looking for a biological excuse to blame this all on, thinking I will never get better, that in fact it is not possible.
Yesterday, I was in the library all day, reading the Encylopedia of Psychiatry. I learned more than I should have, especially about the pathological distortions associated with negative transference, my favorite subject of the moment. I've behaved badly toward my pdoc, and I know it, and can see it so clearly now. (Not that he's perfect or the right one for me--I don't think he is--but I have behaved atrociously, all in an attempt to resolve my male issues.)
Anyway, I was sitting at a table surrounding by four chairs. I was alone for most of my concentrated six hours w/this book, and twice the same man came to sit across from me at two different times. I recognized him; I'm not sure from where, but he has a badly burned face, which didn't bother me at all. I felt comfortable with him sitting w/me. It was kind of comforting, actually, and it occurred to me why. His scars are on the outside for everyone to see, while mine are the same, just inside, hiding where no one can see. The guy is an inspiration because he just goes about living his life. Maybe he's not; maybe he just hangs out at the library like I do! In any case, I was struck by the similarities, while I think he probably has a much tougher situation to deal with. Mine is a damned secret. I'm sick of the secret.
antigua
Posted by seldomseen on April 5, 2009, at 10:16:53
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? /Antigua » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on April 3, 2009, at 18:39:08
I've ruminated over this for many many hours. For me, one of the keys to healing is understanding that I don't have to get to a place where I'm never hurt again by the actions of others.
For me the center of my healing process has been accepting the fact that if I live any kind of life at all, I'm going to get hurt - sometimes badly.
It's been about getting to a place where I'm not afraid of that hurt because I know I can process it.
I think for a lot of us, what happened to us as children was overwhelming, unprocessable and absolutely unbelievable to our little vulnerable minds.
In order to avoid being completely and utterly sucked into the abyss, we sacrificed large parts of ourselves to simply stay alive and sane.
One of those things I lost was the ability to feel safe anywhere, anytime unless I was absolutely positively alone - the ultimate and impenetrable emotional shell. I also lost most of my sense of humanity (my t had to convince me I was human) and my ability to tolerate any kind of insult for fear of being overwhelmed by it.
I used to tell my therapist that "I'm having an inside-out day" where all of the tender parts are out just being grated. So figuratively, what we had to do was strengthen the inside parts.
In my therapy this involved a considerable amount of pain. First the pain of "transference" and then the pain of accepting the limitations of the therapeutic relationship, then the pain of attachment and separation. All of these had to be dealt with and wrangled. I bet I've cried the equivalent of an ocean while fighting for this relationship with him.
All the while though I was toughening up. Developing the elusive "ego strength" and consolidating inside my self.
In reality, it's nothing short of magic.
Now, you simply would not *believe* some of the boundaries I've set with my parents, friends. I also re-established a relationship with long-hated brother and that single thing for the past year has brought me the most joy of just about anything I've ever done.
OMG, have I been rambling or what?
Hang in there RSK. The hurt *does* transform.
Seldom.
Posted by Therapy Girl on April 5, 2009, at 11:46:28
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? /Antigua » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on April 5, 2009, at 10:16:53
Seldom, I know you wrote this to Antigua, but thank you so much for this. I'm going to print it out and keep re-reading it.
Thank you.
Posted by rskontos on April 5, 2009, at 15:17:08
In reply to Re: Is Healing Really Possible? /Antigua » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on April 5, 2009, at 10:16:53
Seldom,
I can only say two words, wow and thanks.
I really appreciate these words more than I can express.
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.