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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
I am at a child abuse prevention summit. I feel like I'm in hell. My therapist said to me today, "you are a moth to the flame." We had a phone session, during which I paced around my hotel room crying as I talked. "I can't do this anymore, I need to send someone else to these things." He agreed. And I feel a great weight on me - 1 in 5 children are abused or neglected. That is too many...I can't save this many. He said, "it isn't up to you alone." I think it is, although rationally I know this is just a grandiose fantasy. I told him it was easier when I was in denial. I could be arrogant and above it all - I didn't personalize it - it was just my work.
We talked about this need to understand and make sense out of what happened to me. And tried to decide together if I'm hurting or helping myself. He said by bringing my experience to my work, I'm more human. And I have to learn to handle my counter-transference reactions. But I'm also raw as heck right now, so not to torture myself with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts."
I only have one more day and I am learning some new things. I just wish I could share my experience more honestly and openly. I just can't do it. As much as I want to, telling is still impossibly painful. I'll get into trouble, I'll die of embarrassment. How can I stand up for kids if I can't even tell my own truth?
I'm ready to be home.
Posted by Annierose on February 24, 2009, at 7:19:08
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
You do share your experience openly and honestly. I have learned so much from your sharing. Maybe some of your history has not been shared with your therapist, but you will know when you are ready to do so. Our adult rational self can only handle so much processing at one time. Or are you asking yourself to share your history with others in the room?
I can only imagine how painful it is to go to these conferences. I would be in a puddle. And my history is different than yours. To hear painful stories draws our own experience to the surface.
You are GREAT at what you do. The children and their families love you and appreciate your work. The hard part is keeping the wound open while hearing others. Maybe that is asking too much of oneself.
Maybe I didn't notice before that you attended so many seminars and conferences in the past. The past year, every month it seems like another time to pack up and go. That's hard. Maybe as your therapy progresses there's a part that needs to know everything ... a feeling that if you know all there is to know about child abuse, you can not only help those in your community, but yourself as well.
I'm sorry you were alone last night with all of these thoughts. You work so hard at everything.
Sending good wishes your way,
me
Posted by seldomseen on February 24, 2009, at 7:23:06
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
I hope you get home soon too. I admire your courage and strength in this manner. I am not at all sure I could do what you do, and even though you were walking around your hotel crying, I'm not sure I could handle it even that well.
Of course, I usually cry in my hotel room during business meetings because I'm homesick, and that's when the content of the meeting isn't triggering.
I know you may not feel like it, but you are a brave, admirable soul. You could have chosen to simply hide with your abuse, but you have opted to help others.
Be safe on your trip home and I mean that on many many different levels.
Peace
Seldom
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 8:53:46
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
((((Daisy)))) It must be so hard to go through what you have and still attend a conference about that, it is like a form of flooding it seems.
What is even sadder is that it is 1 in 5 children are abused that is REPORTED, so many don't get noticed or reported.
You aren't alone in the crusade against child abuse, I am right there too working with you...
Don't be so hard on yourself, this conference is probably hard for most anyway, child abuse is a very uncomfortable topic to those who have never been abused too. I am sure you are not alone in what you are feeling.
Take care of yourself, Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 24, 2009, at 20:44:43
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
(((((((((Daisy))))))))))))
The mere fact that you responded to my pathetic post above with such wisdom and compassion while you were experiencing this just blows me away. You are amazing in every single way.
I feel honored to know you. AND I wish I could make it all better for you. I really do.
Posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 21:52:32
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
I want you to come home soon. What you're going through personally is almost more than a single person can bear, and to be exposed to the trauma of other young children has to be horribly triggering.
I'm so sorry you're alone. But hopefully you'll be home soon, and back to your T. He will help you through this.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 23:41:52
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
Daisy, you have so much to offer kids, and whether or not you tell won't affect that.
My concern is more for you, and for your balancing your own needs with your desire to help others.
Your therapist is right, as usual. It isn't up to you alone. But I so honor you for doing what you can.
Posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
In reply to Re: I am Away » DAisym, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 23:41:52
I'm home. It was a long day.
I did Ok this morning, though it was still pretty triggering. My dreams were rough so I was tired. In the last break-out session of the day, the speaker was admonishing all of "us" to do more in our individual roles. She felt we didn't report often enough and that we "closed our eyes" to the problems within high-risk families. She was highly confrontational and identified herself as a survivor's survivor, whatever that means.
I asked a question about her perception that we under-reported and talked about how we have to sort out our gut feelings versus what we actually saw or had reported to us by the child or caregiver. She was really hostile with me and said, "well, it is unlikely that YOUR gut will ever really inform you because you haven't lived it. I've seen it thousands of times - administrators like you hide behind your rules and your need to be so sure that you miss opportunities to intervene on behalf of the child. If you had any idea how awful it is to live in that kind of fear you'd take a risk and do the right thing. You wouldn't just sit there."
She was so in my face and so self-rightous that I just lost it. I stood up and said, "Just so you know - I was repeatedly sexually abused between the ages of 7 to 12, including, among other things, being raped. It may have started even younger. Just because I'm not a sign-waving, man-hating activist does not mean I do not hurt with every fiber of my being when I see these kids. I don't know how you came to your conclusions about me but perhaps you should redirect your anger to those who abuse, not those who want to help." I wasn't yelling at all - I was angry but my voice was really, deadly calm. There was complete silence...and then I walked out of the meeting room before anyone could say anything.
I didn't realize I was crying until I was down the hall. Luckily it was a small group in that workshop - only about 40 people and no one from my local team. Hopefully I will never have to see any of those people ever again. I can't believe I did that, but it was building up in me and she just pushed the wrong button.
After I left, I went up to my room, checked out, went down to the shuttle, went to the airport, boarded the plane and promptly fell asleep. I slept all the way home. I probably didn't say more than 10 words all afternoon. I think I'm still in shock.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I wonder what he'll say? Loss of control is not my style at all. I'm terrified tonight that I'm in trouble, like I have to go to therapy tomorrow and tell on myself. I know he won't be mad yet I'm still worried he will be.
There are lots of intense dark feelings tonight. It has not been a good couple of days for me.
And some how, I feel this need to contact the speaker and apologize for disrupting her workshop. Do you think I need to do that? How do I even begin to explain it?
Blah. I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll just stay there tomorrow.
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2009, at 1:07:31
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
(((( Daisy ))))
Oh, Daisy. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I don't think you have a thing to apologize for.
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 25, 2009, at 4:05:12
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
How awful and confronting. It sounds like in that moment some very brave and strong protective part of you took over - in a way it's quite amazing what happened, what you were able to do there in that room. No, there's no need to apologise to her. I hope that what you did say will open that speaker's eyes. Creating hostility among and judging those whose difficult job it is to report CA is probably not the best way of improving the situation for the children themselves and quite possibility your words will help her see that and change her approach when talking to people in your profession.
I think your question was wise and valid. Are instincts enough in these situations? The consequences of an investigation into abuse in a family can be devastating on the family regardless of whether abuse has taken place or not - there are always wider consequences, and such a claim is very serious even though the statistics suggest such a proportion of children experience some kind of abuse/neglect - needlessly broken families is a trauma in itself.
The fact is, no healthy-minded person would want a child to be abused but dealing with the problem itself is sadly not so simple.
You haven't done anything wrong, it's ok - I hope your next session goes well.
Witti
Posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2009, at 5:21:32
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
Good for you - that's actually a way of being assertive and standing up for yourself. I'm sure your T will be proud of you. Just be gentle with yourself, you actually did a really good thing.
sunnydays
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 25, 2009, at 6:14:38
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
Believe me, I know how you're feeling about this, but I have to say that, in addition to the pain I was feeling on your behalf, part of me was standing up saying, "BRAVO, DAISY!!!" That woman needed to be taken down a notch. How dare she?
((((((((((Daisy))))))))))))))
I promise you're not in trouble. Please take care of yourself.
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 25, 2009, at 6:30:04
In reply to Re: Today I lost it - trigger » DAisym, posted by TherapyGirl on February 25, 2009, at 6:14:38
One more thing -- by the stats used in your first post about this conference, there were at least 8 people in that group who have been abused. So you spoke for yourself and at least 7 others there. You spoke for me and the rest of us here in Babbleland who have lived through abuse and had no one speak up for us.
Again, I need to say, BRAVO DAISY. I'm giving you a standing ovation.
Posted by antigua3 on February 25, 2009, at 6:58:38
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
Wow, way to go Daisy. Now maybe you can talk to your mother! I know I'm stepping over the line with this, but once you let it out, it becomes easier to tell.
You did nothing wrong. You may feel like it because you "told," and hopefully you will find strength and peace in doing so.
I'm so proud of you,
antigua
Posted by seldomseen on February 25, 2009, at 7:01:19
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
Yeah, I was doing the "tiger-woods-pumping-my-fist-in-the-air-sign-of-victory" when I read your post as well.
I think you handled a very triggering, very awful situation absolutely perfectly. Not only that, but you argued so elegantly for yourself and a rational approach for identifying child abuse.
I run across people like the speaker almost daily in my work. The "you suck as a person for not falling in line lock stock and barrel behind my beliefs" type people. It's tough stuff. They can shake you to the core, but you can't let them run roughshod over you or they will.
I also think you did the absolute right thing by walking out of the meeting. It certainly didn't sound as though there would be much beneficial for you there.
I see absolutely, positively no reason for you to apologize to the speaker. She was the one who made a fool of herself. Rather I would suggest that you congratulate yourself for handling her so well and standing up for the voice of reason and your own truth.
I'm glad you're home.
Seldom.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 25, 2009, at 8:33:37
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
I am proud of you Daisy! You did the right thing and called her out on her anger. I am glad you put her in her place, because she was so so wrong.
While I do understand the anger and frustration she might have had, but it isn't right to take that out on the people who came to her meeting to help others. She needs more work on that with a professional, she shouldn't be presenting with this attitude.
IF anything you could do, is write a complaint about this women and how she treated those in that meeting, she was VERY unprofessional.
Daisy, I know maybe this wasn't your style of handling things, but it wasn't inappropriate, in fact I am sure others in the group wanted to tell her the same thing.
If anyone deserves an apology, it is you by that women.
Take care of yourself Daisy.
Posted by toetapper on February 25, 2009, at 16:53:52
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
What struck me about your recent post was actually something you said in your original post:
"I just wish I could share my experience more honestly and openly. I just can't do it. As much as I want to, telling is still impossibly painful. I'll get into trouble, I'll die of embarrassment. How can I stand up for kids if I can't even tell my own truth?"
Dang girl, you went and did it. YOU. DID. IT. Years and years and YEARS of your blood, sweat and tears, and the amazing work you have done with your T, just perfectly aligned into a profound breakthrough. On your own terms, in your own best way, in complete control of your passion, your rage and your anguish.
Dang girl :-)
I also want to second what another poster said, thank you for standing up for those of us who are not yet perfectly aligned.
Posted by rskontos on February 25, 2009, at 18:18:19
In reply to Re: Today I lost it - trigger » DAisym, posted by toetapper on February 25, 2009, at 16:53:52
Nor did you die of embarrassment. I only hope you shocked her to behave herself in the future conferences.
Don't you dare apologize to a rude person that was not the best example of someone that should be speaking on such a touchy subject. Of all the people in the world, she should know better and get off her high horse and stop judging others.
I am proud of you. Now you try to be proud too!
rsk
(((((((((((Daisym))))))))
Posted by lucie lu on February 25, 2009, at 21:34:22
In reply to I am Away, posted by DAisym on February 24, 2009, at 0:56:46
I think you did a great job. First of all, even being willing to attend such a personally difficult, triggering meeting just so you can improve professionally. So you can be even better, and more able to help the kids you are trying to help. Then responding to the workshop leader in an honest and IMO completely appropriate way. You set her straight. She may have been on the "right side" of the issue in some ways but in the wrong when it came to individuals. That's an important thing to keep in mind. Anyway, any workshop leader who gets off by provoking the audience has to deal with what they get in response.
I think you showed a lot of grace under pressure, Daisy. I'm sorry the meeting caused you so much discomfort but you should be really proud of what you accomplished there.
Posted by workinprogress on February 26, 2009, at 0:31:37
In reply to Today I lost it - trigger, posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
Daisy-
I don't have much to add except to say what others have said:
Good for you!
and
I don't think you're the one who should be apologizing.
bravo!
Posted by DAisym on February 26, 2009, at 1:37:23
In reply to Re: Today I lost it - trigger, posted by workinprogress on February 26, 2009, at 0:31:37
This is quick and I will do a better job responding tomorrow night. I have to speak at another meeting tomorrow but *I'm* in charge so it should be OK. I'm nervous, which is pretty unusual for me.
Thank you for all the support, etc. I don't feel brave but I do see that I did something that was necessary for me in that moment. I also think I understand the presenter's anger - no body saved her - even if she was directing it at the wrong person. But I believe you all when you say I don't have to apologize.
Moving on from this feels difficult. I think I need some space to cry a little more and get myself together. Maybe this weekend. For now, there is work to be done, speeches to be given and budgets to fight over. *sigh* I have the Underdog song in my head - I wonder why?
Hugs to all,
Daisy
Posted by zenhussy on February 26, 2009, at 19:14:30
In reply to Thanks All » workinprogress, posted by DAisym on February 26, 2009, at 1:37:23
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 26, 2009, at 19:34:02
In reply to Speak your mind even if your voice shakes-M.Kuhn (nm) » DAisym, posted by zenhussy on February 26, 2009, at 19:14:30
I have that bumper sticker.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 2, 2009, at 16:10:52
In reply to Thanks All » workinprogress, posted by DAisym on February 26, 2009, at 1:37:23
How are you doing?
((((((((Daisy)))))))))
This is the end of the thread.
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