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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
I had to cancel my appt for Wednesday (tomorrow) because something came up, but as luck would have it, my T had a cancelation so I went and saw her today.
I was really hoping today to be able to broach the dreaded transference subject with her. At first, it seemed like there was going to be no way. (I'll try to spare you the play by play of the session. We'll see how I do!) I've already deleted what I'd written at least 3 times because I realized I was rambling and going into too much detail.
ANYWAY... long story short... with about 15 minutes left, I was able to bring it up. Thankfully, the conversation had come around to 'Mommie' (go figure!) so it wasn't a huge leap to go from talking about that, to discussing my feelings for her.
I began by telling her about how I am like ultra-sensitive to any change in her demeanor towards me. Even if there's not, all I have to do is 'think' there is, and it causes this flood of negative emotions (the meltdown) and I like shut down. I told her how much reassurance I need that she's not going to abandon me. I said "I know you don't want to have to constantly reassure me, but.... I NEED YOU TO CONSTANTLY REASSURE ME!" She seemed to understand exactly what I meant. I brought up the whole transference thing, and she was very receptive. She's totally down with it. I said something like "so if you think this (meaning the transference) is something we can work with" and she said "we're going to have to work with it."
I could tell she was delighted I was able to come out and say those things. She nodded and smiled a lot. It was like she'd known it all along and was just waiting for me to be able to express it.
So, apparently she is willing to work with me on my trust & abandonment issues, and I really do want to put a stop to the pattern of my always feeling like I need someone to Mother me. She did say, though, that as the parent, she does get disappointed and frustrated with me because "You're making a lot of REALLY bad choices right now." She said that I was probably feeling that last time I was there.
So she's not going to leave me. She cares about me and really wants me to get better. She did not deny it could be a long process, which to me means she is willing to be in this with me for the long haul if need be.
I did not tell her about 'babbling' but if it wasn't for you guys, I would have never been able to tell her the things I did today. Being able to 'talk' to all of you about this really helped me a lot. Oh, and I was also trying very hard to look at her while I was talking. I think I did pretty good while I was spilling it. I had actually been crying before, but when I finally was able to "jump off the proverbial cliff" I actually felt very calm, was no crying and I did my best to look her in the eye.
I am so relieved we are finally talking about this.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your encouragement and support. I really made a difference. Just ask my therapist!
- Sharon
PS: Let's see how long this shot of reassurance last me?!? lol. These feelings, both positive and negative, are so volotile, aren't they? (o:
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 11, 2009, at 4:05:55
In reply to Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o:, posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
Sharon,
I'm so glad to hear that - that's wonderful news. It sounds like your T handled it perfectly - it's funny, it doesn't surprise me that she already knew how you felt about her. Often, things like this are expressed in our behaviours before they come to light in words. But that moment when something is jointly acknowledged is very powerful.She sounds like she really does care - she holds expectations of you (which in turn means you matter to her), she cares about you, wants the best for you - all motherly qualities in fact.
I'm very glad you were able to tell her about your feelings - this couldn't have been easy - and that it paid off. It sounds like you have a keeper :)
Witti
Posted by Sharon7 on February 11, 2009, at 6:44:32
In reply to Re: Saw my therapist today. It went very well. ( » Sharon7, posted by wittgensteinz on February 11, 2009, at 4:05:55
Thank you, Witti. (o:
It's kind of funny. I'm not like freaking out today about the things I 'told' my T yesterday, but had I 'written' those things to her (which I believe I have done already) and faxed/mailed it to her, I'd be in a panic right now. It seems like what made the difference is that by telling her this stuff to her face, I got her immediate feedback, and fortunately it was positive, but there was something about just knowing how it was received. If left up to my imagination, it would never be anything positive!
You helped me a lot making the decision to finally talk to my T about my feelings for her.
I think next time I see her, I might mention "Hey, didn't I already say a lot of this (about the transference thing) in the letters I used to write you?" Because I'm sure I did. I'd be curious to see what she'd say. Would she acknowledge that yes, she has been aware of this for at least a year because of the things I've written but she was waiting for me to be ready to talk about it? Thing is, if it wasn't for 'babbling' (lol!) I may have never got the courage to actually 'say' these things and not just 'write' about them.
I can see why the word 'courage' is stuck in the middle of the word 'encouragement.' All the encouragement I got here gave me the courage to speak what had been the 'unspeakable.'
Well, gotta run. Thanks again for all your great advice and wisdom. Have a good day.
Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 11, 2009, at 8:25:10
In reply to Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o:, posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
That is so great, and may I add how very proud I am that you took this leap? It was huge, and you did it.
I have an idea to throw out at you. It comes from my session w/my pdoc last night, which I'll write about later, but what about just absorbing what she had to say and try not to pick it apart for holes (I do this all the time.) Accept what she said and let it make you feel good--good about what you've done and good about yourself.
I'm so glad you joined babble, and I'm glad people here were helpful to you.
antigua
Posted by sharon7 on February 11, 2009, at 11:30:04
In reply to Re: Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o: » Sharon7, posted by antigua3 on February 11, 2009, at 8:25:10
Thank you so much, antigua3. That is very good advice. Actually believe it or not, I have not yet begun the 'verbal autopsy!' (scapel? LOL!!) And I don't plan to. Thanks for being proud of me. That makes me feel really good. I'll be anxious to see your post later! I hope you're doing well.
Sharon
Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2009, at 11:51:11
In reply to Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o:, posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
That's absolutely wonderful!
This is one of the things I like best about Babble. :)
Congratulations. We may have encouraged, but you're the one who gathered the courage. I hope you're suitably proud of yourself.
Posted by sharon7 on February 11, 2009, at 12:04:37
In reply to Re: Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o: » Sharon7, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2009, at 11:51:11
Thanks, Dinah. (o:
I guess I am proud of myself. It was actually quite a relief to get that off my chest, and she could not have been more wonderful about it. The advice and encouragement I received here was a huge factor in my being able to start talking.
And it made me happy that she was so pleased, too, of course. (o:
Thanks again. I hope you're doing well. I'm glad you got the issue with the smell in your T's office addressed. I am pretty sensitive to oders, too, so I can only imagine that would have bothered me, too.
Posted by Recently on February 11, 2009, at 12:26:37
In reply to Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (o:, posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 18:40:20
> I had to cancel my appt for Wednesday (tomorrow) because something came up, but as luck would have it, my T had a cancelation so I went and saw her today.
>
> So she's not going to leave me. She cares about me and really wants me to get better. She did not deny it could be a long process, which to me means she is willing to be in this with me for the long haul if need be.
>Hi Sharon,
This sounds so positive. I'm so happy your meeting went well! Thanks for the update - I was thinking of you and hoping everything would go well!
Recently
Posted by sharon7 on February 11, 2009, at 12:45:50
In reply to Re: Saw my therapist today. It went very well. (, posted by Recently on February 11, 2009, at 12:26:37
Thanks, recently. I appreciate that. (o:
I'm still kind of basking in the 'after glow' (lol!) of it going so much better than I ever could have imagined. It was not looking good yesterday as far as me being able to 'spill it,' but I was really determined.
Thanks for caring. I hope you are doing well today.
This is the end of the thread.
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