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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
I will write more later, but the interviews went really good, I have one offer, and I am not sure about the other one yet.
But my session was one of the best in all my years of therapy. I will write more later, I need a nap.THere is hope you know, we can heal, at least we are in therapy trying , unlike a lot of people. ((((group babble hug))))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 29, 2008, at 17:13:45
In reply to I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
Good for you, HF!!!!!!!! You have worked so hard -- you deserve all the good things that are happening for you now and that will be coming your way in the future.
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 18:26:41
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today » happyflower, posted by TherapyGirl on October 29, 2008, at 17:13:45
Thanks Therapy Girl,
It feels good today I have to admit. ;-)
Posted by LadyBug on October 29, 2008, at 18:51:49
In reply to I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
AWESOME!!!!!
Congratulations on being accepted for the internship! I hope you fully realize how amazing you are!!!
About the new T...is she a better T? Or are you a better match with her? I'm so happy for you. Is this helping you to let go of the first T? I hope so because I know some what of how it feels.
LadyBug
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 18:57:25
In reply to I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
Something really clicked today, part was my me bringing up this phenomenon of me sabotaging my successes but yet still be afraid of failing too.
I have fought with both my male T about this, they both think I have poor self esteem and I guess with people with pasts like mine, this is probably likely. But I don't, I believe in myself most of the time. But for some reason I screw it up when I get near succeeding and I really couldn't understand why. Well, she put 2 and 2 together and came up with such an insight, I was in awe because neither of my other 2 T's could see this. Well it has to do with my past as a child, succeeding wasn't safe for me, my mom would have to bring me down to her level, with verbal abuse because of her jealously. She was like, what WHO do you think you are, you think you are better than ME? You think wanting to go to college will make you better than me??? You are just stupid and others will figure it out, I don't know why you even try, etc. plus physical abuse. SO i leaned to hide my achievements, I learned to perform at a lower level than I knew I could, to be safe.
So now intellectually I know I am safe, but she says my brain is still giving me signals that it is unsafe to do so. It is part of PTSD. I feel better putting my self down to make others feel better about themselves, not because I think I am lesser than them, but it feels safer. So it sounds like I don't have self esteem, but really it is me trying to stay safe by making myself appear more inferior. I am like DAMN, she GETS it! BUt the other part is when I do try like heck to do well and I don't, I don't know how to handle the disappointment in myself. Why? Because I never tried to achieve as a child, I tried to not succeed. So I never had to deal with disappointment when I tried really hard to do something but failed.
BUt the hard part for me tonight, which I started to have tears in my eyes during therapy was that I have to admit I was affected by my abuse. I WAS ABUSED. For my mental survival I had pretend it wasn't part of my past, like somehow I was shielded by my past. But now, through therapy I can't deny it any longer. It does affect me in negative ways. It kills me to admit this, it is so frickin hard, it is like coming out of the closet or something. She asked me why I was crying and I said it was because I wonder how I would be if this didn't happen to me, I am sure I would be in such a different place. She said that I am now grieving my childhood.She asked me who was in the room with her my adult side or my child side, I said my adult side. She said you know everyone has a child inside too. (who, not me?) She asked me if I was feeling present, and I was, last session she asked this too. I don't know if she thinks I am dissociating, but I'm not, I am just sad. I will have to ask her more about that next week.
She then gave me a book to read of hers, I forget the title but it was about boundaries, something about where you start and where the other person begins. I will write more about it later, because it says so much about me and how I am messed up and this is long enough.lol
Posted by JoniS on October 29, 2008, at 20:18:44
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 18:57:25
Great job HF. I'm happy for you!
Also sounds like you are doing great work with your t. I'm glad that is working out so well.I was wondering, (I havent been around Babble for several months) what happend with you and t2 the old man t?
Joni
Posted by no_rose_garden on October 29, 2008, at 20:43:44
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 18:57:25
Yay!! I'm so glad your interviews went well!!!
I hope you didn't get a latte mustache :)
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:37:46
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on October 29, 2008, at 18:51:49
Yeah, I like my new T a lot, but I am not sure if it is better, but it is different.
I admit I am not really missing my 2nd T so much anymore, maybe it is because therapy with my lady T is past the introductory phase. Plus I had my goodbye session that went well and I know I did the right thing.
I didn't have enough time to bring this up today in therapy, but leaving my old man T has helped me move on from what my 1st T did. I feel like I got my rant out of me, said what I needed, and I am pretty sure he saw what I wrote. So now I feel it is over. After 1 1/2 yrs. I am letting go, while it hasn't been easy all this time, I feel less pain when I think of him.
I know how you feel about T's, right now, but I hope you could see a new one to help you with all the stuff that has happened to you over the past year. ((((Ladybug)))))
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:42:27
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today » happyflower, posted by JoniS on October 29, 2008, at 20:18:44
HI Joni,
Well he had a couple of illnesses that affected his memory. He forgot some major stuff we talked about in session but he was too stubborn to admit it to me. In all of the pain I felt in telling him about this, I realized that I care about him too much to continue therapy with him. I needed someone I didn't have to worry about my effect of my past on them. Or go through the pain of reminding them over and over again the stuff I already told him. It was hard enough the first time to tell him, but to have to remind him over and over again was a waste of time, when I should be moving forward.
We had a goodbye session where I told him how much he did for me, and what he meant to me. IT was a moment that meant a lot to me. We hugged at the end, and he told me things I will never forget.
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:46:15
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by no_rose_garden on October 29, 2008, at 20:43:44
LOL JOni,
I didn't get a mustache, because there was a lid. lol But they messed up my order so I got this cold vanilla drink in addition to a salty sweet hot chocolate. Well I ordered something other than coffee because I feel their coffee is so strong and don't like it much. But the other stuff has so much sugar in it, I could only drink part of it. It made me so nauseous before my T appointment. So I guess I am not much of a fan of the place and that is good because it is expensive. lol
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:57:24
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today » no_rose_garden, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:46:15
Today was amazing, she was so with me, so present, so connected. I don't know why she had tears in her eyes at one point. But today was beautiful, really. Now tomorrow I will probably want to run for the hills, because this can freak me out, but I will try to be okay with the closeness of therapy. She really listened to me, really had ideas about me, and didn't bring herself and her experiences into the room like my other 2 T's did all the time. This is new for me.
Posted by JoniS on October 29, 2008, at 22:14:18
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:57:24
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 22:32:14
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today » no_rose_garden, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:46:15
Posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 22:36:04
In reply to Sorry I am getting names mixed up on my responses (nm), posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 22:32:14
Posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2008, at 0:29:17
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 21:57:24
What can I say other than congrats you deserve to find someone you can trust and work well with. And the internship. Love Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 30, 2008, at 8:25:44
In reply to I had an awesome session and I kicked butt today, posted by happyflower on October 29, 2008, at 15:52:55
((((Twin))) I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!
Love and Hugs, and you go, gurlfriend!!!
Sassy
Posted by happyflower on October 30, 2008, at 11:09:51
In reply to Re: I had an awesome session and I kicked butt tod » happyflower, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 30, 2008, at 8:25:44
Healing Process
Accepting the truth
Feels like death
Of ones weak
Tissues inside
Being betrayed
While still alive
Like a shell of a
Caught lobster
Succumbing to
The evil steam
Of opening membranes
Screaming the
Revealed horrors
Of past realities
Nobody should
Have ever been
Forced to conceal.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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