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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 13:27:38
A guy in my class made a pass at me. I don't know why. This has never happened before and I don't know what to do. Let's just say it would be an understatment if I said 'I'm not very good at dating'. If there was ever a time when I've been confronted with the fact that I'm not quite human... I don't know what to do and it's making me feel awful. I doubt it matters too much to him. I just don't see what he could see in me besides me being gay and lonely. I don't feel worthy of real relationships. I feel grotesque. I can't see myself with another person. There isn't a real person in here for him to connect with anyway. I just don't want offend him.
I hate myself more than ever and it's not his fault. T moved my appointments to two weekly last session. She offered to terminate if I wanted. So she must be getting sick of me, and that's no accident. I'm too much for anyone to take on and I might like it not to be so sometimes. She does think I'm capable of change. Obviously it bothers me a great deal, and on the other hand I don't care. I can just not care when affection is offered to me, but I care an awful lot when it's rejection. So I am a very selfish person afterall.
I might have the chance to sit close to him tomrrow because the seat next to me is vacant and I think all of the other ones are taken. He didn't attend last class in the other room so he doesn't know where everybody sits. Maybe he won't even come back? What if he does? If I made an advance I wouldn't want to provoke this kind of reaction. I'm worried that if he loathes himself nearly as much as I do this will ruin his self esteem even further, and I don't want that to happen.
Q
Posted by rskontos on September 9, 2008, at 16:25:59
In reply to Something happened today, posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 13:27:38
OH Q,
I feel so bad for your statement, "I don't know why". If this guy saw something why would you question it. Oh I know you don't see anything in yourself for others to see that is attractive. I get that. And I understand having a hard time connecting with others. I isolate myself as much as possible. I am more at ease not around new people. My family even is hard to be with sometimes.
I guess you need to try gently to work on seeing yourself with someone else. I too never saw myself doing anything with others it just happened. Maybe you can try to let something happen without questioning the motives. I know that is a tall order. But somehow I think you need others to help you reinforce you have good qualities worth others time.
I will bet he saw more than just lonely and gay. I bet he saw something much more attractive than you give yourself credit for. I believe sometimes we are beaten down to the point we can't always see ourselves as the world can see us. My T said this to me just the other day. That i did not see what was worthwhile in myself.
I really do want you to be more gently with yourself. Try not to hate. Just because you were thrown off by this incident don't throw yourself under the train just yet. I think this is something to try to build on.
You are a special person. Someone that maybe you need to get to know a little better too. Just try talking to him if you do see him. I know that is hard but think how hard it was for him too.
He took a chance maybe you can try that too now.Are you at all interested in him?
I don't think you are selfish at all. Just confused. LIke many of us are.
take care, and be a little kinder to yourself.
rsk
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 9, 2008, at 18:36:43
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by rskontos on September 9, 2008, at 16:25:59
Q, it sounds like you are just feeling rotten about yourself on all fronts-- you're not deserving of therapy, you don't deserve to change, you don't deserve to have someone care about you, you don't deserve to care about someone else.
The Q I know is insightful, creative, and an original thinker. He brings a lot to any encounter, and I think the same applies to therapy and romantic relationships too. You've been through lots lately, and perhaps you've rattled your core belief in yourself along the way.
I learned some interesting stuff in humanistic psychology today. There is this idea of an injury to one's conscious self that is so devastating that one splits-- the pain and hurt about the injury go to the "lower unconscious" and the creative and wonderful parts go to the "upper unconscious". For instance, say that you had a unique and wonderful sense of humor. Maybe you were made to feel ashamed of it at some point. This injury to your consciousness was so hurtful that you buried the hurt in the lower consciousness, but at the same time, your original, wonderful humor was trapped in the upper unconscious. Now you no longer have access to either the hurt (yay!) or the humor (oh no!). By drawing attention to the injury itself, and recognizing, and experiencing the pain that it caused, one is also granted access to the "divine", that part of you that you were made to feel shame about, the original and wonderful sense of humor.
blah blah blah...
Sorry, I get a little nerdy sometimes. My point (wait... what was my point?) is that it's okay to acknowledge and work with the shame, the hurt, the unbearable feelings of guilt-- these things that make you feel like a bad person-- but at the same time, you can ALSO embrace the things that make Q the great person that he is. There is nothing WRONG with being injured in the first place, you're only human, after all.
Well, I really just wanted to make you feel better, and to convey my esteem for you. Hope this wasn't too obtuse
-Ll
Posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 18:46:14
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by rskontos on September 9, 2008, at 16:25:59
Thank you rsk, you are a very kind person. One of the most likeable traits in my book! I wish there were more people like you in the world.
Yes, I thought he was very brave. I was just stunnned that something real was actually happenning to me that I got caught up in the moment. Maybe focussing too much on myself. I tend to be a bit slow in processing social cues anyway, but I didn't respond at the right time and then the moment was gone. I do feel for him. I just want to let him know it wasn't that bad as it probably felt for him. I'm sure it was actually worse for him because he doesn't know for sure what I was really thinking.
I noticed him on induction day last week. I sort of hoped this would happen, but nothing like this ever has so I had no reason to think it would. Yes, I am interested in him. I suppose we might actually be in the same league in some ways. I just can't believe it's happening, and part of me doesn't want it to be. It wants to stay safe.
I can't seem to think of any outcome that isn't cynical. I suppose one more faliure on top of everything else wouldn't matter, so I should try. I do have real problems with talking to people though. I'm very awkward at the best of times. The hardest thing is not wanting to be a real person and all the obligations that go with it (being bound to reality). Yes, I am very confused.
Thanks rsk!
Q
Posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 19:09:20
In reply to Re: Something happened today, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 9, 2008, at 18:36:43
No, that was perfect. Thank you lurpsie! As usual I don't know what to say when someone is being nice to me. I do like humanistic psychology and the unconscious mind. I wish T would talk about this!
Q
Posted by Phillipa on September 9, 2008, at 23:50:48
In reply to Re: Something happened today » llurpsienoodle, posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 19:09:20
Q I think it's great that you may have found someone that in the future you can get close to and have a relationship or just friendship. And hows the pups? Love Phillipa
Posted by Quintal on September 10, 2008, at 7:57:38
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by Phillipa on September 9, 2008, at 23:50:48
Thank you Phillipa. I think we'll be friends for sure, insofar as I know how to make friends. The dogs live with my dad now. Sometimes I look after them if he has to go away somewhere, but they're doing well.
Q
Posted by Quintal on September 10, 2008, at 8:29:48
In reply to Something happened today, posted by Quintal on September 9, 2008, at 13:27:38
Well... he was late for class today and I thought he might not be coming, but he turned up after five minutes and came and sat in the seat next to me. We had to do some microscope work in pairs so, I prepared a slide of my cheek cells for the both of us. When I looked down the microscope, right in the middle of it was a structure that looked like a giant sperm! A strand of cotton must have off come the swab and made a tail, and a bubble of methylene blue the 'head'. I wondered at first how that had come out of my mouth! Then it was his turn and he saw it straight away - "I won't ask what you've been doing this morning!". That broke the ice.
THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!
We walked down to tutor group together, then after that came the question of where we were going next. He had another class later today, so he was going down town to get some food, but my classes were over so I was going home. As we were walking to the exit he said he was sick of his bag, and as I looked down I saw he was wearing a badge. He said his (female) friend insited he wear it today. I think it might have been a rainbow badge, but I'm not sure. I really didn't notice what it was at first glance and I didn't want to stare. We parted after we got outside with a "See you on Monday". So... I'm feeling a bit better, and I hope he is too. I wish I was better at making friends.
Q
Posted by rskontos on September 10, 2008, at 15:23:30
In reply to Re: Something happened today, posted by Quintal on September 10, 2008, at 8:29:48
Q,
I am glad that this just happened. It sounded like he does indeed like you. So you must just try to go with the flow and not get all caught in the whys, hows, or any of that I am not good enough.
You are good enough. In fact better than good enough. I think that moment of "I won't ask...." was a great moment. I laughed just imagining the moment. I am also thrilled for you.
It does sound like the beginning of a great friendship and LOL maybe "more'.
I think that was a nice way to recover from what you thought was a goof but apparently did not bother him too much since he still came and sat down next to you!
Way to go. It sounds like it went well and he sounds like someone that doesn't have trouble making friends so if he has to do a little more in the beginning I think that will be ok.
You are a great guy. Have a good weekend and enjoy yourself.
rsk
Posted by Quintal on September 10, 2008, at 16:21:40
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by rskontos on September 10, 2008, at 15:23:30
Thank you again rsk, I think I've come back down to Earth now. I suppose it went okay, I find it hard to tell. I should find something else to do.
>It sounds like it went well and he sounds like someone that doesn't have trouble making friends
At least he knows how to. He seems very shy and nervous around people too, but normal skill-wise. I wish there was someone else he could attach to that could reciprocate properly. I've met other people like myself and it is hard work. People only keep on trying for so long.
>I think that was a nice way to recover from what you thought was a goof but apparently did not bother him too much since he still came and sat down next to you!
I don't think he had much choice! It sounds as though he talked it through with a friend. It must be very difficult to know what to say.. Thanks again for the support!
Q
Posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 19:35:58
In reply to Re: Something happened today » rskontos, posted by Quintal on September 10, 2008, at 16:21:40
Q so just friends or something more? I hope sincerely that you find what will help you the most both a relationship and friendship. And glad to know the dogs are fine. I think I still have some countryside pics you sent me. Love Phillipa
Posted by Quintal on September 11, 2008, at 18:06:57
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 19:35:58
Just friends would be good. Just to have someone to connect with and be there.
Q
Posted by Quintal on September 11, 2008, at 18:32:17
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 19:35:58
Sorry about that Phillipa, I didn't mean to sound so abrupt. This would be all I want, just before life passes me by completely:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfZUxPF7AMIQ
Posted by Quintal on September 11, 2008, at 18:46:45
In reply to Re: Something happened today » Quintal, posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 19:35:58
Sorry everyone. I'm going to bed and hopefully things will look better when I wake up.
Q
Posted by Phillipa on September 11, 2008, at 19:52:45
In reply to Re: Something happened today, posted by Quintal on September 11, 2008, at 18:46:45
Q sleep well. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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