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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on August 29, 2008, at 20:50:45
My T told me that I was worthy to be loved..and I dont see it.We spent my session talking about a past friendship that I had with this guy that was extremely unhealthy..and before that we were talking about things about me that make it hard for people to be friends with me..and so I had that in my mind, and then I was talking about the way I was treated by my guy friend..and about the things that I did to ruin the friendship ..and it just seems to be a theme that I am the one to hurt the relationship..and to end the friendship...and no one can stand to be friends with me and when they are friends...they are quick to leave. I feel like I am unworthy and that no one really loves me besides my family and EVEN THEY are at odds with the way that I am.
I feel so alone. I want to feel loved so badly it hurts.
Posted by healing928 on August 29, 2008, at 21:35:41
In reply to Therapist tells me...., posted by Amanda29 on August 29, 2008, at 20:50:45
Amanda,
I saw your last two threads, and I had the same feelings and issues with feeling unworthy and being extremely dependent on my t. I felt like he was the only one that "got me." We are working on mindfulness, and practicing the buddha philosophy. It truly is transforming my life, and don't know what would have happened if he didn't come into my life. I have had so much drama in my life, and didn't want to accept the life I created. I made my life very painful by judging myself, not allowing others in, and feeling like others were constantly judging me.
At the end of the day, we all have to decide what truly is important in our lives. To me it is my daughter. Tara Brach has a wonderful book called Radical Acceptance. Dr. Brach is a psychologist, and a teacher of mindfulness. She speaks from her experiences, and her heart.
I have learned I can not change others behaviors, only my own. It has taken me many years of being hurt to get to this point. My family is completely toxic, and I have learned I can't be around them to have a peace in my life. I have learned painful things happen, and I can't change them. I am learning I have to live in the present moment.I am learning who I am and what is truly important to me.
I am not going to say, oh you should follow buddhism, but I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You need to find something that will work for you.Please be kind to yourself.
Healing
Posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 2:15:49
In reply to Therapist tells me...., posted by Amanda29 on August 29, 2008, at 20:50:45
Healing928 has some awfully good things to say. I won't try to live up to it, but I did want to respond.
First, of course you deserve respect, affection, attention -- I hope you get some of it here. I also hope you get some of it in your offline life, and that the painful work you're doing now will lead to a more satisfying level of those things.
Transference is a complex concept, and I'm tired, so I will tell you a story you'll probably think is crazy, but maybe it'll get my thought across. I hope.
I have had a -- let's be charitable and call it a "complex" relationship with my mother. (Mother can be quite vicious towards me, even now when much of our relationship is pretty good.) Years back, I had a cat who would attack me and often cause surprising amounts of injury. I worked with the vet, with behaviorist specialists from a top vet school -- I even called a cat psychic, as skeptical as I am. The vets and the behaviorists all recommended the cat be put to sleep, because he really was too dangerous.
No one understood why I rejected that advice, until my ex-SO told me one day, "Do you realize your relationship with that cat is almost exactly your relationship with your mother? You're trying to fix your relationship with your mother through that cat."
And that was exactly right -- that's transference. Sometimes it's hard to see it when it's happening -- in which case, it's good to have a significant other who's got that level of insight ;-) -- and it's easy to think of it as something confined to the therapeutic relationship. It's not. There's transference in my life with my spouse, with various posters on this forum (I don't think you and I have had any contact with one another, so that may seem silly to you), with my pets, with my neighbors, with people I serve on a board with -- I'm pretty sure I've got transference going on with the gal whose checkstand I go through at the market! (And I do always try to get her aisle -- she's very sweet, and we have chatted for years)
My thought is that it might be worth it for you to consider whether you're trying to "repair" a different relationship through some of these unsatisfying friendships? Or maybe you've learned to accept less-than-respectful treatment from people because it seemed "normal" in your family.
And best luck. I struggle with a lot of the same sorts of things, and I know how painful it all can be for me. I wish you comfort.
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 30, 2008, at 8:34:12
In reply to Re: Therapist tells me.... » Amanda29, posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 2:15:49
The above advice is good. All I can offer is my comfort to you as I am going through something like this myself...
It is so hard and so painful...
And yet I still have hope
Posted by raisinb on August 30, 2008, at 10:55:43
In reply to Therapist tells me...., posted by Amanda29 on August 29, 2008, at 20:50:45
Hi Amanda--
I wanted to answer your post because I have gone through so many of the same feelings. But I feel like a lot of what I'm going to say is will sound cliched or unhelpful. But I don't mean it to be.Anyway, I spent a lot of years feeling much like you, and what I learned is only what worked for me, so take it with a grain of salt.
But I think that going over and over what makes you unlovable--or at least makes it "difficult" for others to want to connect with you--is not quite the right way to go about it.
People used to say to me all the time, "before others can love you, and before you can accept their love, you have to learn to love yourself." I used to hate that. First of all, how exactly was I supposed to do that when I never had love in the first place? Second of all, it sounded pretty judgmental.
In the end, I found out that it was true, though. Or rather, once I got a little better at loving myself, I didn't need others' love so much, and I got better at seeing them, which has improved my relationships dramatically.
I wish I could list the steps by which this happened, but I'm not quite sure. I know it took a lot of pain and crisis, and even a suicide attempt. I know it wouldn't have happened without my therapist's commitment and caring, but I also think if she hadn't activated an intense, conflicted, painful transference in me, nothing much would have changed. My therapy has been truly horrible at times (and I'm sure it will continue to be), but I can't see how it could have worked any other way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, do everything you can to start loving and valuing yourself. I discovered how to do this almost by accident, and I also learned, through crisis, that I had to do it, or I'd probably end up dead. If I hadn't had this stark realization--if I hadn't hit bottom--I never would have changed my relationship with myself.
I did--and still do--small things that might seem silly to others. I started really looking at myself in the mirror--really seeing myself, and having compassion for myself. I talk to myself and reassure myself, rather than beating myself up. I spend a long time in the shower washing myself lovingly, rather than quickly, as if my body's something to be quickly dispensed with (see, I told you it would sound silly). I make myself breakfast and take vitamins. I take my medication religiously. I take myself places I want to go, like you'd take a child out. I suppose once I hit a crisis point, all of this stuff intuitively came to me. It is hard to do. I have spent thirty-some years berating myself and obsessively searching for what *else* is wrong with me. Even though it's destructive, it can be done without thinking.
I don't know what will work for you. But it does sound to me like you're trying a little too hard to get your therapist's love, and that of others, when you can learn to love yourself a little, and that's something that nobody can take away from you. And it leads to a whole new view of other people, one that I think--as an added bonus--improves your connections with them.
I also want to echo what Racer and Healing said. Those are very insightful posts.
Posted by Amanda29 on August 30, 2008, at 11:34:22
In reply to Re: Therapist tells me.... » Amanda29, posted by raisinb on August 30, 2008, at 10:55:43
Thank you for all of your posts...each one is helpful...I am going though a rough time, I dont love myself...I have been going though transference with my therapist, I have crossed boundaries with him, I do want him to love me..the thing is..he has told me that there is nothing I could do that would make him love me less...and I know he doesnt mean LOVE as in romantically, but when someone tells me they love me...I run with it...so those words have hit me hard. He did tell me that I am loveable and worhty to be loved and I just dont see it. I am trying to learn to love myself and I do believe that I have to love myself before I can expact anyone else to..but to me..there is nothing to love. and I know I am being hard on myself..but seriously I have been through too many failed friendships and they have all pointed out things that are wrong with me...so once that happens so many times, a person will start to think..ok well, maybe they are right..maybe I am not as loveable as I thought I was...at least this is what I think. My family cannot even love me the way that I want them to..and that hurts very much.
Im not as obsessive as I was at trying to get my T to like me...I know he does...as a person. He cares about me and wants the best for me and that is all I need right now. I need someone to care and to show empathy...and he does just that.
I am just so hurt right now..but thank you for your thoughtful posts.
take care.
Posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 16:04:17
In reply to Re: Therapist tells me...., posted by Amanda29 on August 30, 2008, at 11:34:22
Maybe this book would help you: "Children of the Self Absorbed." My therapist recommended it to me, and I found it helpful.
I can't find words to express what your post triggered for me. It's something to do with the fact that you seem to have people who do value you, who do feel affection for you -- and yet something is preventing you from recognizing that. I am struggling with that something related just now, which is likely why I can't express it. Do you think maybe you're looking for that Good Mother that you missed out on? Someone who'd take care of you, meet your needs, and create that sense of security for you? Or maybe you're looking for some sort of unrealistically perfect reflection of yourself, someone to look up to you as you may look up to others? I really can't express what I'm intuiting after reading your post. I hope that something in it resonates enough to help you.
And I think it's all got something to do with healthy narcissism, which is probably the most helpful thing I've said in this whole post...
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 12:27:32
In reply to Re: Therapist tells me.... » Amanda29, posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 16:04:17
You've got some very thoughtful responses from people who've been there and I want to add mine too, because I do understand and you've got what sounds like a good therapist, who acknowledges the work between you is the love. It's hard to learn how to trust, and believe that you're lovable and people love you, when you feel there's never enough, because you can't love yourself. I have a feeling you'll come through this therapy knowing what it's like to have Value.
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