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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
Hi Babblers,
I need your wisdom! For the second time in six months, I have offered my T a little praise -- something he'd written had moved me. And he responded in a way that made me feel small and humiliated. Here's the transcript:
BSD: "Your work really moved me."
T [grandly, patronizingly]: "Oh, well, that's what everyone wants. Everyone wants a personal relationship."
BDS [confused]: "You mean, everyone wants a personal relationship with their T?"
T [starts to see his mistake]: "Yes."
BSD [humiliated, backtracking]: "All I meant was, your work moved me. It had that effect."
T: "What you are saying goes right to my feelings of inadequacy."
BSD: "I'm sorry."
Do I fire this guy? I feel like such a heel, and for what? I dared to praise him! God forbid!
BSD
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2008, at 12:34:41
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
Sounds pretty wierd. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2008, at 12:38:51
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
I'd have trouble with that exchange. If things were otherwise ok, I'd just talk to him about it.
If things weren't otherwise ok, I'd wonder if maybe I ought to investigate new therapists.
It would be hard for an outsider to judge. There are times when I quote my therapist here, and people are probably thinking I'd be way better off with another therapist. But context is all. The context of the conversation, the history of the topic, and the overall relationship with the therapist.
Posted by pegasus on July 22, 2008, at 13:12:25
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
I don't get it. Why did he bring up his feelings of inadequacy? That seems very inappropriate in a therapy setting. And why did he say that everyone wants a personal relationship with their T? I mean, duh, yeah, of course, but what does that have to do with his work? Was it about having a personal relationship with one's T? I'm guessing not. He sounds pretty full of himself, to me. Getting off on the power imbalance on the one hand, and then polluting your therapy with his feelings of inadequacy on the other. Unless I'm reading this exchange wrong.
My 2 cents. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.
- peg
Posted by Lemonaide on July 22, 2008, at 14:46:00
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
Posted by Lemonaide on July 22, 2008, at 14:58:18
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
I am not sure why my first post didn't get posted, so I will try again.
What was it that had you moved? It seems like he would want to talk about that and the significance of that instead of what he said. I think it sounds kinda rude to me, how is other parts of the relationship?
Posted by raisinb on July 22, 2008, at 15:15:37
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
I don't know the context. But I don't see how your comment logically leads into wanting a "personal relationship" with him. It just doesn't make sense to me. Also, what do his feelings of inadequacy have to do with your positive feelings about him?
I've told my therapist that things she does are touching, or comforting, or that qualities in her strike chords in me. She usually reflects back to me the sense that she's trying to understand, like, I'll say, "you do this, and I realized that's something I have always wanted," and she says, "yes, because you haven't had it, your childhood was," etc., etc. And sometimes if I tell her these things, she does them more to try and improve our relationship. Seems like either of these approaches would be more productive.
Either way, I'd feel stigmatized for having positive feelings about him, which I don't think is helpful for you. I agree with the others--see if you can talk to him about it, and weight it in the context of the whole relationship.
Posted by healing928 on July 22, 2008, at 16:08:28
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
OMG, that is AWFUL! My former t that I fired was great at getting praise, but his ego was.... Anyway, he would write back, "glad it helped" and maybe added to what helped... I WOULD BE APPALED if either of my t's responded that way to me!
I would be researching t's in your area and on your insurance.Good luck!
Posted by stellabystarlight on July 22, 2008, at 22:19:10
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
Wow...he sounds so hurtful. I would definitely clarify his response and tell him how me made you feel. Hope it goes well for you. Let us know what happens.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by Sigismund on July 23, 2008, at 3:38:05
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
It just sounds incompetent to me.
He's not there to please you, so the fact that he didn't is no big deal in itself.This interested me (because I didn't quite understand it)
>BSD [humiliated, backtracking]: "All I meant was, your work moved me. It had that effect."
>T: "What you are saying goes right to my feelings of inadequacy."
Posted by backseatdriver on July 23, 2008, at 8:28:20
In reply to Re: countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by Sigismund on July 23, 2008, at 3:38:05
Sigismund -
Thanks for the reminder. You're right, he's not there to please me. I wasn't aware that I felt entitled to this, but of course I do.
As for the inadequacy remark - I suspect he's just insecure about the things he writes. He shouldn't be. By any objective standard, he's a fine writer. But he is.
BSD
Posted by backseatdriver on July 23, 2008, at 8:29:33
In reply to Re: countertransference, again - should I fire my, posted by pegasus on July 22, 2008, at 13:12:25
Peg - Thanks for your response, which clarified much of what I was feeling. I appreciate it.
BSD
Posted by backseatdriver on July 23, 2008, at 8:32:02
In reply to countertransference, again - should I fire my T?, posted by backseatdriver on July 22, 2008, at 12:19:03
A big thank-you to everyone who replied. What you've all helped me to clarify: the exchange happened in deep water, it was confusing and hurtful, and I need to discuss it with him. Thank you!
This is the end of the thread.
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