![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 14:19:27
I feel like puking, my stomach is in knots. I have been getting in touch with my old high school friends who I haven't talked to in years.
Well I found out that my old band directed who I hated, but still had a crush on, had committed sucide in 01" a week before his daughter's wedding. I have a lot of memories of him, good and bad. He was a major person in my life and I can't believe he is gone. I still have nightmares about him, held a grudge for so long, and now he is dead. He was even dead when I was holding a drudge on him. I feel like such a slug. I am surpried this is effecting me this way. I can't stop shaking
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 20:36:01
In reply to I am shaking, in total shock, I feel sick* trigger, posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 14:19:27
I find that it's almost harder to deal with the death of those I have negative or ambivalent feelings about. I didn't express that well, I don't think. It's as if on some level I fear that I wished them dead. Or that at least I didn't wish them alive.
A week before his daughter's wedding...
That poor girl.
It's ok if you hated him, or were angry with him, or even wished him bad fortune. Nothing you wished had any effect on him. It's ok to have held a grudge when he was already dead.
Giving up grudges and anger is more about us than them. Your anger had no effect on him. It couldn't hurt him. If you want to keep it even now, you can. If you want to let it go, let it go for yourself not because you feel guilty.
Or I could be projecting and be totally off the mark. :)
Posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 20:52:15
In reply to Re: I am shaking, in total shock, I feel sick* tri » Happyflower, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 20:36:01
Thanks Dinah,
Everything you wrote makes sense. What is interesting was that my issue with him would have come up in therapy at some time I am sure. I have a lot of buried feelings when it come to him. He hurt me so bad and made me feel so inadequate .
He also played trumpet, and he would play in the band with us. Well of course he played all the solos and was 1st chair. I could have played that part, but he never would let me. The better I got, the more insecure he got. Finally he kicked me out of band because I told him he didn't know what he was doing. (long story) But the superintendent of the school talked to me, and I was right, and he made him apologize to me. He really hated me after that. So much so, I changed schools my senior year so I could be in band, jazz band, etc. I wanted to be a band director and I needed those classes to get into music school. I also needed a taped solo, which was hard to do because he never let me. My new director did, and he really liked having me in his band. I was lead trumpet and I had lots of solos and stuff.
So many people let me down when I was young, but I would never wish for something like this to happen. I guess I am feeling guilt over the grudge I have had so many years. I haven't let go of that anger yet, the unfairness.What is interesting is with my new T, issues keep presenting themselves over and over from my past, stuff I have no control over. Kinda weird. Kinda like I am in the right place at the right time.
I am going to bed now, I have been on the computer all day.
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2008, at 21:07:11
In reply to Re: I am shaking, in total shock, I feel sick* tri » Dinah, posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 20:52:15
I used to say that about church, when I the minister we had a few years ago was there. Many weeks, it seemed like he tailored his sermons to exactly address what I was going through in my life. I knew that was impossible, so I figured it was more likely that my experiences that week and how I thought about them primed me for the sermon. Because my experiences were just experiences. It's the way I framed them that made them ripe for sermons.
Maybe with your new therapist, you're experiencing the same thing? God or the fates or just serendipity is pointing you in the direction you need to be.
Posted by raisinb on May 21, 2008, at 8:54:57
In reply to I am shaking, in total shock, I feel sick* trigger, posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 14:19:27
Happyflower, I'm sorry. I hope you can bring this up with your T next session. It sounds like there are some very important, buried feelings coming up here, and maybe not just related to this particular person from your past.
(((HF)))
Posted by rskontos on May 22, 2008, at 10:19:15
In reply to I am shaking, in total shock, I feel sick* trigger, posted by Happyflower on May 20, 2008, at 14:19:27
HF, don't feel bad about this. How you felt had nothing to do with what happened to him. He caused his own demise not you. And you are entitled to your feelings. So go ahead and work them out, it is about you not him.
((((Happyflower))))))))))))))
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.