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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
I didn't have my calendar with me last time when we were scheduling appts. I lost track of time. I thought my appt. was on Friday. I didn't know that my appt. was right NOW. until you called me and wondered whether I went to the wrong office.
But you were gracious and pretended like I hadn't missed my appt. You made it seem like we had always planned on 2pm. I'm so sorry. I have this urge to punish myself. I guess I respect you too much to do that to myself.
Or to numb out the pain with klonopin. But I'm challenging myself to see how many days I can go without klonopin, using behavioral techniques instead.
Oh woe. At least I didn't miss this appt altogether.
At least T can still bill insurance for a session today
Maybe he even gets a 2 hour lunch break?
CURSES
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2008, at 11:58:17
In reply to Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
Lurpsie what a nice T you have. Are you supposed to not use the klonopin? Guess if self soothinging is working that's great. Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on April 2, 2008, at 12:09:28
In reply to Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
Ll, Don't be so hard on yourself I showed up three hours early for one of my sessions and I still swear in my brain I was right but I found the appointment card with the time he had :( so much for my screwy memory. YOu have had a lot to digest and I think moving enough is hard on memory cells. It must killed millions of them and take forever to replace. so be kind to Llurspie she deserves it. and see what a kind T you have. He is being kind to Ll.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on April 2, 2008, at 12:10:41
In reply to Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
please don't be so hard on yourself. it happens to us all at one time or another...that includes our T's.
it's Very good that you are trying behavioral techniques instead of numbing with meds, but remember the meds are there for a reason (at the right Rx amounts). Don't reverse injure yourself by witholding medication when it is needed. then you are still punishing yourself whether it be by using too much (or not enough).
But do you have some good things to try to help soothe yourself?
if not let us know, we can all come together and list off some great things to try to help lurpsie.
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2008, at 17:28:53
In reply to Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
What a terrific therapist! I'm glad he was able to see you at 2. How did it go?
Posted by llurpsieNoodle on April 2, 2008, at 17:51:04
In reply to Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 10:30:05
And came out terrified.
I told him how nervous I was whenever I went to therapy. He mentioned how I had told him this before, and that when I no longer felt anxious I probably wouldn't be needing therapy anymore.
Next topic- are all psychological states a matter of choice? "hey T are you saying that I choose to feel this way?" What do we give up when we feel WELL? Well, the illusion is that you have to give up a lot when you feel well, but the truth is that no matter what you have to live your life, and you can live it just as easily as a well person.
hmm.
So. apparently I have a lot of getting well to do.
We also discovered that my diss advisor still has my life in her hands. I'd rather die than _____ (fill in the blank with some kind of researchy task).
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 18:01:13
In reply to Re: Dear T, I'm so sorry » llurpsienoodle, posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2008, at 11:58:17
> Lurpsie what a nice T you have. Are you supposed to not use the klonopin? Guess if self soothinging is working that's great. Phillipa
T is encouraging me to wean off of using chemical coping mechanisms, even if they are Rx. His point is that if I lived the first 27 years of my life without Rx psychotropic meds I can probably live without them at some point.
So, I will continue to take my Rx, except I'm trying not to take as much of the prn klonopin or sleeping pill sonata.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 2, 2008, at 18:04:20
In reply to Re: Dear T, I'm so sorry » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on April 2, 2008, at 12:09:28
> Ll, Don't be so hard on yourself I showed up three hours early for one of my sessions and I still swear in my brain I was right but I found the appointment card with the time he had :( so much for my screwy memory.
*I can relate... 3 hours is a lot. could you find a cafe to hang out in at least?
YOu have had a lot to digest and I think moving enough is hard on memory cells. It must killed millions of them and take forever to replace. so be kind to Llurspie she deserves it. and see what a kind T you have. He is being kind to Ll.
>
> rsk* you mean ALL my cells are dead? I only had 2.9 million of them to start off with !!! ??? ;)
I'm trying to be nice to me. I used the following coping mechanisms. I counted my breathing. I knitted a row. I paced. I babblechatted to pass time. etc. hard to mobilize them when all I want to do is self-destruct.-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 18:11:46
In reply to Re: Dear T, I'm so sorry, posted by B2chica on April 2, 2008, at 12:10:41
> please don't be so hard on yourself. it happens to us all at one time or another...that includes our T's.
>*true. My T told me once that he's very fallible... I often get a confirmation call from him, but not yesterday. he said that he broke habit because I had just seen him on Monday
> it's Very good that you are trying behavioral techniques instead of numbing with meds, but remember the meds are there for a reason (at the right Rx amounts). Don't reverse injure yourself by witholding medication when it is needed. then you are still punishing yourself whether it be by using too much (or not enough).
>*good point. I think I'm going to wait until true emergency to use prn though. I think maybe the klonopin was depressing. And the zyprexa (I take 10mg of zydis- the quick dissolve type) is only for dissociative nightmares.
> But do you have some good things to try to help soothe yourself?
> if not let us know, we can all come together and list off some great things to try to help lurpsie.
>
Ironically, I just wrote out a whole list this morning, when I should have been getting ready to see T.I wrote a llurpsielist above http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/821130.html
those are distraction activities.The self soothing ones are on another list. maybe after dinner. but wellbutrin has killed my appetite. I don't even want to eat anything.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 19:28:04
In reply to Well, I went in flustered, posted by llurpsieNoodle on April 2, 2008, at 17:51:04
I told T towards the end of the session "I may look all together here [gesturing towards my body] but inside I'm a mess"
"Oh? How are you a mess. What does a mess look like to you?"
[silence]
"What does a mess FEEL like to you?"
tears and more silence. At this point I've got this gnawing terror in my belly. it is growing more and more desperate by the second.
"I don't think there's anything in there that you cannot deal with"
"but I'm scared to go there. What if there's something I can't handle in there?"
"It's like the boogeyman- it's only scary because it feels unknown. once you turn the light on it won't be scary anymore"
"but it's still terrifying"
"next week we'll talk more about the boogeyman- see, you thought that this would be a wasted session. turned out to be pretty interesting afterall. There were even some tears. (I shot him a withering look at this point)" "I HATE crying". at which point he looked amused.
-Ll
he said he likes me, looks forward to sessions with me.
Posted by Poet on April 2, 2008, at 19:45:48
In reply to and the final item in the agenda: primal fear! » llurpsieNoodle, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 2, 2008, at 19:28:04
Hi Ll,
I hate crying too, I've cried once in therapy and I turned my back to my T so she couldn't see me. I shoot mine those withering looks, too. She's put up with me for 5 1/2 years and I believe her when she says she likes me, I think you should believe your T likes you, too.
Is there something you can have with you to help ward off the fear of the boogeyman? Something you can keep in your pocket or hold for power?
Poet
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