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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
Ten Reasons Why I Don't Want To Go To Therapy on Monday ...
1. Therapist was late twice in a row this week. (She's never late)
2. Therapist just came back from a 2 week vacation and told me today she will be leaving in two weeks for another week's vacation.
3. I feel kicked in the gut.
4. Therapist reminded me that I always do better than I think I do while she is on vacation. This felt minimizing.
5. Therapist began today's session by telling me that "she can now accommodate me on Thursday
mornings" when it was HER SCHEDULE that necessitated the change. I liked Friday mornings. I was angry that she turned that around as if I was happy about the new schedule. Thursday suited my work schedule, but not my emotional schedule. Her choice of words felt manipulative.6. T has decided working 3 days a week will suit her just fine. When I began therapy, she worked 5 days a week, now it's only 3. Feels like there is no time for me. Feels like I'm being pushed out. Plus, with all her vacation time (I think it's up to 8 weeks a year) I'm guessing she really doesn't want to be doing this job now or in the future. It might be time to look for a new therapist who works full time and likes her job.
7. I wonder if I'm the only client that pays her full session rate (x3) ... and I'm pretty sure I pay the highest per session rate. This is starting to really bug me. I get raised EVERY SINGLE YEAR! It seems no one on this site has been raised more than once. She has a listed rate on a web site that is less than I pay (reason why it's really pissing me off). Plus I go 3x per week. She should take that into consideration.
8. Today when she was explaining blah, blah, blah about her shorter work schedule, it felt like I was
listening to Charlie Brown's teacher ... ever have one of those moments? It took all my strength to simultaneously not laugh out loud and not put my hands over my ears.9. I feel hurt. I am scared. I am angry.
10. I hate therapy.
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2008, at 23:05:57
In reply to Annierose's '10', posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
((((Annierose))))
I can understand *completely* why you're angry.
My therapist tends to do the same thing. When he's going away for his purposes, he tells me how good it will be for me to try my wings. When he's not gone, he's thinks it's best for me to come twice a week. I've called him on it, and he now tries not to do that. He says he doesn't like to think of his actions as hurting me, but he recognizes that they do and he'll try to acknowledge that.
All I can say is that you should talk to her about those things. What does she say about the fee difference on her website? Is something going on in her personal life? It sounds as if it might be, if she's not usually late.
At least it sounds as if even if she's only working three days a week, she wants to see you on those three days. That's what my therapist always says. That he always wants to be able to accomodate me, since I've been a good and loyal client all these years. I always want to sock him for saying that. And of course he doesn't use those exact words.
((((Annierose))))
I really do understand why you're upset. But it also sounds like you're doing some important work right now. And, sadly, they aren't like washing machines. You just can't turn them in for a better functioning model as easily as would be ideal. I'm not sure where your therapist stands in relation to you. But my therapist said that he knew that I stayed with him in suboptimal conditions because he was my therapist-mommy. (Yes, he actually said that himself - repeating what I've said many times. But still, I'm impressed he can say it without flinching.)
Has she shared anything about what's going on?
Posted by rskontos on January 11, 2008, at 23:07:14
In reply to Annierose's '10', posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
Annierose, I just therapist for some of the same reason's you listed. My new p-doc that does my therapy said one important thing to me, in fact he made me a tape to play over and over so I am reminded of these important things, that during this hard work in therapy the hardest thing is to stay connected with him.
If you aren't connected to her with all these issues, how is it going to work. It will be hard unless you can discuss these points with her. I would suggest to you if you can print these off and take them to her to discuss how you feel, how she feels is her issue.
When I brought up to my new p-doc wondering what he thought about various things he said don't you worry about that that is my problem you are not to worry about me, I am to take care of that you are to focus on what we do in this room which will be hard enough and stay connected.
So I would say that you must talk to her how you feel and how you feel disconnected now. It is vital for you.....you should not hate therapy. Good luck
rsk
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 12, 2008, at 9:30:04
In reply to Annierose's '10', posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
Charging more than the published rate sounds kinda shady to me. What's the reason? And yeah...a frequent flyer discount seems in order.
I always thought they should have those punch cards like some coffee shops - buy 10, get one free!
Abbie
P.S. Dare ya to bring your 10 list to therapy!
Posted by rskontos on January 12, 2008, at 10:10:20
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10', posted by AbbieNormal on January 12, 2008, at 9:30:04
Annierose,
I often take a list of things to go over with my T/p-doc but I don't give it to him I frequently refer back to it to keep myself reminded of what I need to say....so you can do that or give it too her whatever makes you the most comfortable but helps you say what you need to say....hope this helps. rsk
Posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 11:22:45
In reply to Annierose's '10', posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
Hi Annierose,
Ten cyberslaps to your T's head are coming her way.
I think you have good reason to be frustrated with your T and at the least you should print out her posted rates and ask her if the website is out of date or what is her reason for charging you more?
I don't blame you for feeling hurt, scared and angry. For the hurt she is causing you I just sent her another cyberslap.
Poet
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 12, 2008, at 11:44:18
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10' » annierose, posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 11:22:45
(((((((annierose)))))))
that must hurt SO bad. you must feel really connected to your T that her absence is felt so keenly.
I think an open discussion is definitely in the works!
-Ll
p.s. as painful as that sounds... groan
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:05:02
In reply to Annierose's '10', posted by annierose on January 11, 2008, at 22:52:22
I'm pretty sure that I have voiced my fears and sadness during the past few weeks. She has received them and responded in kind.
She has reassured me over and over that her schedule change has nothing to do with not wanting to work. She used the word, "balance".
Both times she was late - was under 5 minutes. I know, I am hard on her. But to never be late and then to be late when I'm feeling so vulnerable already, it hurts. Once was traffic (I did see the slow traffic in the direction she must come from on my way to her office that morning) and the other time a phone call ran long.
I brought up the money issue the second time she raised my fee. She acted surprise that the older fee was listed - but two years later - it's still there. I have not brought it up since.
She was very gentle yesterday. She said that she was here for me and wanted to help me with my scared, hurt, vulnerable feelings. But with her new part time schedule and all her vacations, I feel like her job is not important to her - therefore I'm not important anymore. It reminds me how little I matter to her when she matters so much to me. She said that her schedule is not set in stone. IF it's not working, she will change it back.
I called her this morning. I never EVER call her on her cell phone. In fact, I rarely call and ask her to call me back .. maybe once a year at most. She hasn't returned my call.
I'm a complete mess inside.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:26:05
In reply to Re: YES ... I told her, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:05:02
See --- as soon as I put in out in cyberland that she didn't call and sent "send" my phone rings ...
Anyway, she was very helpful. She explained why it's so important for our work that thse feelings are coming up now and how they fit into the puzzle of my psyche.
I'm at work so I need to get back to working ...
Posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 13:38:35
In reply to Re: She called, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:26:05
Hi Annierose,
Maybe my cyberslaps really do work. In any case I am so glad she called and most of all was helpful.
Poet
Posted by muffled on January 12, 2008, at 13:43:02
In reply to Re: YES ... I told her, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:05:02
> I'm pretty sure that I have voiced my fears and sadness during the past few weeks. She has received them and responded in kind.
*What does responded in kind mean? Sorry i don't understand.
> She has reassured me over and over that her schedule change has nothing to do with not wanting to work. She used the word, "balance".*Sigh, my T cut back too. It WAS hard. VERY challenging for me. I thot same things. That she too stressed so she goto cut down. That I was wrecking her etc. She tells me not to 'personalize', meaning not to make everything about me. That she is not cutting back cuz *I* am wrecking her. I tend to do that. I always worry I wrecking her.
Then similiarly, I thot she would be much less accessable. It used to be I could only not call her on weekends, so now did it mean I could ONLY phone her Tues/Wed???? Thats how I felt. Allasudden she NOT there for me. She sayshe is but ashe NOT. But as it turns out, she HAS been there for me. THE best thing for me has been the email thing. Its truly been HUGE. I can send stuff out to her and that makes me feel better. We have talked about it, cuz I feel like I email too much. But she has said if I reply, its cuz I WANT to. I try so hard to beleive this. So I mail, and it helps.
> Both times she was late - was under 5 minutes. I know, I am hard on her. But to never be late and then to be late when I'm feeling so vulnerable already, it hurts. Once was traffic (I did see the slow traffic in the direction she must come from on my way to her office that morning) and the other time a phone call ran long.*Late sucks, but over time I am better with it. She usu has a good reason. Sometimes she don't and then I just pissed at her, but I get over it. I know she not perfect....
> I brought up the money issue the second time she raised my fee. She acted surprise that the older fee was listed - but two years later - it's still there. I have not brought it up since.
*UGH. I hate the money thing :-( So does my T! OK now this situation you describe would TOTALLY piss me off. I think it would be VERY good to bring this whole thing up again and make it clear. In my T's practice, its sliding scale. The ones who can afford it pay more, and that helps with the ones who can pay only less amounts. I agree that going 3x/wk should have some consideration cuz you guys must mostly deal w/stuff in the office. My T does email and phone calls etc on the side, that she likely would not have to do if I was there as often as you are.
If money is a hardship, can you cut down to 2x/wk? In fact it might reduce the intensity of these feelings you are having over T. I sometimes think it canget too intense that often...but this whole last paragraph is only my dumb thots and may be WAY off base.
> She was very gentle yesterday. She said that she was here for me and wanted to help me with my scared, hurt, vulnerable feelings. But with her new part time schedule and all her vacations, I feel like her job is not important to her - therefore I'm not important anymore. It reminds me how little I matter to her when she matters so much to me. She said that her schedule is not set in stone. IF it's not working, she will change it back.*Hmmm sounds like she IS trying to work with you?
My T did the same, a bunch of vacations. In fact I wish I could find it, I just blasted her here on babble one time cuz I felt so abandoned. More recently, I told her again when she went away that it was messing me up. She uinderstood, but explained ashe had to take care of herownself too.
UGH. I KNOW this, but.....it still hurts. And she accepted and validated my feelings and I guess that helped some. Still hurt. But it has passed and I survivred and I suppose I am the stronger for it. But yup, SUCKED at the time.....> I called her this morning. I never EVER call her on her cell phone. In fact, I rarely call and ask her to call me back .. maybe once a year at most. She hasn't returned my call.
*Waiting for the call :-(
I think she will call back. In the meantime can you find ways to distract yourself?
And if she still hasn't called in afternoon, try again?
> I'm a complete mess inside.*Yeah, I used to get myself SO freakin wound up over stuff like this. MOstly I do so MUCH less. So hang in there Annierose. For all the mess you feel, you ARE growing. Growth hurts.
Thinking of you and hoping T calls ASAP.
M
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:53:40
In reply to Re: She called, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 13:26:05
:)
It's nice when they remind us why they mean a lot to us, isn't it? And that our feelings for them aren't misplaced.
I know how much she means to you. I doubt it would hurt so much if she didn't. I'm guessing she'll always be open to working things out.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 18:54:41
In reply to Re: YES ... I told her » annierose, posted by muffled on January 12, 2008, at 13:43:02
"responded in kind" means that she was appropriate in her response to me ... she was kind and gentle.
She called as soon as I hit the "send" button on babble. And I feel so much better.
She explained why it's important to work these feelings of rejection with her. That my intense reaction to her vacation, which she agrees happened too soon after Christmas (but it sounded like a use it or lose it situation) is coming from a childhood memory of very rejecting parents.
She didn't rush the phone conversation, she didn't tell me "we'll talk about this on Monday", she let me talk and she listened. I rarely call her (usually just to leave a message about a schedule change) but the few times she picked up, it's been awkward. This time it was perfect.
The money situation is difficult since she knows that I can afford the higher fee. But don't charge me a higher fee "just because".
Thank you for all your support.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 18:58:09
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10' » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2008, at 23:05:57
Dinah - I know you are right. We are doing very important work right now. This drama my brain and emotions are having right now with my therapist have more to do with me THAN my therapist ... if that makes sense.
She was wonderful on the phone. I like her again. One minute I don't ever want to see her and then within minutes of talking with me, she was able to get me off the ceiling.
Thank goodness because we were SUPER busy at work today and I didn't need to carry any extra bad vibes around.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 19:00:59
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10', posted by rskontos on January 11, 2008, at 23:07:14
Thank you for responding to my post. It helped me this morning reading everyone's thoughts.
I am very connected to my therapist ... maybe a little too connected. Sometimes the connection on my end painfully reminds me that it's only on my end. I do think she knew taking another vacation so close to Christmas would upset one or few of her clients ... especially me ... the needy one.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 19:03:08
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10', posted by AbbieNormal on January 12, 2008, at 9:30:04
I like buy two sessions get the third one free even more!!
Once we resolve my current drama, I will bring up her fee scale. She normally raises my rate every April 1st. Some April fools joke.
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 19:11:18
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10' » annierose, posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 11:22:45
Thank you for giving her cyber slaps.
I really needed some responses this morning and I smiled when I saw you wrote to me. I was incredibly anxious and depressed.
She told me on the phone, "Try not to think of these feelings as depressing. They have bubbled up to the surface because they need to be acknowledged and tended to." I do understand where this is coming from (luckily). Sometimes when I repeat to my husband what she said that was helpful, he shakes his head in bewilderment, "I'm glad you feel better because I don't get a thing you just told me."
It's a special sort of relationship between our therapist. I don't think a person without going to therapy would understand the level of attachment, trust and $#*&#!! we go through. (Couldn't think of another adjective to describe the emotional push and pull)
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 19:15:02
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10', posted by llurpsienoodle on January 12, 2008, at 11:44:18
I have been with my therapist for 4 years this month. WOW! It seems like it was only yesterday in some regards and years ago in others.
Plus I saw her almost 20 years ago when I just got out of college for another long stretch of treatment ... I forget how long but it was at least 4 years (I think) ... too many dead brain cells between then and now. I do feel attached to her --- even when I'm kicking and screaming.
This was the best phone conversation we ever had.
Posted by Daisym on January 12, 2008, at 22:50:31
In reply to Re: Annierose's '10' » Poet, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 19:11:18
Why is it that the worst sessions brings out the best of them on the phone? I'm glad things got better today and she was able to find the right response that was helpful.
I think you must be this attached to go as deep as you have been going and deal with some very old, very entrenched hurts. But that does open you up to all this need and every break feels like an abandonment. I've heard that you feel just about like your gonna explode and then you turn the corner and thing start to get better. A lot better. I guess these are very real growing pains.
I hope Monday continues the connection you found today.
This is the end of the thread.
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