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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2007, at 21:10:28
I'm finally getting to the point of beginning to think my therapist is just a bit dense and slow on the uptake at times, which is an improvement on the idea that he's deliberately avoiding some of my material! It's taken three years, but I think it's progress...
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned for the second time that I love him. Just like the first time, he completely ignored it. Then the following week he asked me a bunch of questions about my perceptions of the relationship, and then right at the end he told me he wanted to know my perception of the 'specialness of the relationship' because the previous week I'd said I loved him. And his ears went red as he said it; he looked embarrassed. I actually laughed and said, “Is that unusual?” But inside I felt like I was dying.
So then last week I told him I found it very weird that he'd completely ignored me when I said I loved him and that his only response was to quiz me on my perception of the relationship. I said it didn't make any sense. Why didn't he ask me directly how I feel? Why didn't he ask me what kind of love I feel, and whether it feels good or bad, and stuff like that?
He said he hadn't realised I'd been hurt at his lack of response to my telling him I loved him. Well, actually I didn't expect any speeches from him; a nod of his head in acknowledgement would have been fine. But his facial expression didn't change, he didn't move a muscle, and he didn't give any response to my words at all. I find that lack of response very disturbing. I told him so last week. He says we should talk about it more.
He asked if I'd felt rejected, and oddly I didn't. I felt like he didn't understand me at all, and that's what hurt. After all this time... I wanted a response. I've had three years to work through the hard stuff by myself. I know he doesn't love me. I don't expect him to love me. I don't expect him to say that he loves me, or cares about me, or whatever. I just keep hoping that he doesn't feel disgusted at my love for him. I don't know what to do with an unwanted, meaningless love. I don't expect my love to be returned or reciprocated... but if he can't accept it, what then?
I've been reading a couple of books I've found really helpful. One is "Learning from our mistakes" by Patrick Casement, and the other is "Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship" by Michael Khan. Both books seem to be aimed at therapists, but as a patient/client I found them useful.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow afternoon. I don't know how I'll get through it. This love thing seems to be the main topic on the agenda. I want to hurt myself. But for the first time in three years I think I can talk about it without fearing I'll kill myself. That's progress too, right?
Posted by Daisym on November 8, 2007, at 23:15:34
In reply to progress?, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2007, at 21:10:28
I've read Michael Khan's book and liked it. I'll have to get the other one.
It does sound like progress to me and it is a subject that you need to keep talking about. I think you know so well what it is about for you but you still need to wrestle with it - that self-esteem demon creeps in. But I will say, no love is useless love. Feeling love is very powerful and it is a good thing to be able to do, even if it is painful in the aloneness of it.
I do realize that I say this without having ever to have had to face "no response." I'm not sure I would have had the courage to go back if my therapist had done that to me. I must say I think it is cute and very sweet that he turned kind of red but still forced himself to continue. I think he is making progress too.
Nice to see you here
Posted by JoniS on November 9, 2007, at 7:08:58
In reply to progress?, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2007, at 21:10:28
Tamar
You are very courageous. I admire you for being able to "keep yourself together" after opening up your heart. When I have shared how much I care, my T has always handled it tenderly. I hope yours is able to be a little more responsive soon.
I agree with Daisy - no love is useless. You are growing well I believe.
I hope things go well in your next sessions. Have a good time in San Diego. I was just through there a couple weeks ago. It is beautiful.
Best to you!
Joni
Posted by I need a hug on November 9, 2007, at 12:17:45
In reply to progress?, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2007, at 21:10:28
Tamar,
I just started posting recently and I am trying to deal with feelings for my T as well. I just started reading a book Dinah reccommended that's mentioned at the top of this board, "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists." So far, it's very interesting. At the time I ordered it, I also ordered the book you are reading by Michael Kahn that Joni also read. Apparently, great minds think alike!! (LOL) Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings for your T. I've been trying to find the courage just to tell mine how I feel and you're already way ahead of me. Sending you my best wishes and support. HUGS
Posted by I need a hug on November 9, 2007, at 12:50:38
In reply to Re: progress?, posted by I need a hug on November 9, 2007, at 12:17:45
OOPS!!!
I see it was Daisym that read the book but JoniS, I've read your posts and I know you have a great mind, too. All of you babblers do. OH, just ignore me while I go "temporarily insane." At least, I hope it's only temporary! (LOL) Tamar, JoniS and Daisym-my best to all of you. HUGS
Posted by JoniS on November 11, 2007, at 23:13:53
In reply to Re: progress?, posted by I need a hug on November 9, 2007, at 12:50:38
Hey I need a Hug!
Thanks for the compliment. I actually read Kahn's book also, I just didn't post that recently, it was Daisy ans you said. I seem to be a therapy book addict. And Amazon doesn't help much the way they tell you "people who read this book also ordered... blah blah blah..." so of course we want to buy it today, because we are all in search of "the answer"
You know, we babblers ought to have a book cooperative, just pass them around, because we all read the same stuff. What do you think??
Joni
Posted by I need a hug on November 13, 2007, at 21:33:19
In reply to Re: progress-- Books and Great Minds! » I need a hug, posted by JoniS on November 11, 2007, at 23:13:53
Joni,
Great mind! Great idea! I nominate you to serve as president of the co-op. LOL
This is the end of the thread.
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