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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on August 12, 2007, at 19:39:53
So... I have a question. It's really strange to me, but how can I feel absolutely completely fine emotionally the large majority of the time, but I can't seem to stop thinking about ways to kill myself. I get filled with intense hatred of myself and start thinking about that, then it goes away.
So it's not depression, I don't think. I don't understand what this is about?
sunnydays
Posted by Poet on August 12, 2007, at 21:16:18
In reply to question ***suicide trigger?, posted by sunnydays on August 12, 2007, at 19:39:53
Hi Sunnydays,
My T says that my suidical thoughts are "fantasy" an escape route that I always have just in case things get to be too much. She just said this in our session last Thursday. When I told her that they are not fantasy she said something like "they are not reality unless you do it." Followed by "sweetie, I am not trying to bait you." She has called me dear once and awhile, but never sweetie. Talk about a way to stop my protests that its not fantasy.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with these thoughts.
Poet
Posted by peddidle on August 12, 2007, at 23:37:17
In reply to question ***suicide trigger?, posted by sunnydays on August 12, 2007, at 19:39:53
I get the same exact thoughts. Poet is right, it could be that you are creating it as an option for yourself.
My T also says that, because I say I don't want to act on them, they are just obsessive thoughts. There are times, though, when the thoughts are unbearably strong, that I feel like I might do something about them. She says that I need to recognize that they are part of the depression, or OCD, or whatever, and then learn to separate them from my real thoughts. Just because the thoughts are there, doesn't mean you have to act on them. Does that make any sense? People have obsessive thoughts that revolve aroung certain themes, and your's just happen to be about wanting to hurt yourself.
Have you told your T about these thoughts yet? I think it's important that you discuss them with him, even if they are just thoughts and you know that nothing will ever come of them. In case you're worried, he can't hospitalize you or anything like that unless you tell him that you are definitely going to hurt yourself. That's an important thing for to understand-- that you can feel safe discussing suicidal thoughts without having to worry about being hospitalized.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by slugdoo on August 13, 2007, at 3:01:44
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by peddidle on August 12, 2007, at 23:37:17
I really don't know sunnydays, I get down, but rarely think of ending it all. Do you thing you are really fine most of the time? It must feel scarey for this to happen to you. I know I would be freaked out. ((((Sunnydays)))))))
Posted by Sigismund on August 13, 2007, at 4:06:51
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by slugdoo on August 13, 2007, at 3:01:44
All my life I've thought about suicide, certainly since I was 10.
No big deal, I don't plan it or anything.
And I wonder with it.....what precisely am I getting at with this?
Do I distrust the fabric of consciousness, or is it a response to social stress, is it a consequence of freedom, or a reaction to depersonalised states?
Even if you can say 'I hate myself', the question for me arises 'what, precisely?'
I've never known.
The same drive can be positive, I think. It is what brought me to therapy (take yourself apart, put yourself back together).
I certainly don't want to take lessons in loving myself, although acceptance is different.
Posted by sunnydays on August 13, 2007, at 9:51:07
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger? » sunnydays, posted by Poet on August 12, 2007, at 21:16:18
> My T says that my suidical thoughts are "fantasy" an escape route that I always have just in case things get to be too much.
**** I think that might be part of it for me too. I feel more comfortable having that as an option in the back of my head. I absolutely don't want to ever act on it, but there's something about just knowing I could that keeps me going, almost.
She just said this in our session last Thursday. When I told her that they are not fantasy she said something like "they are not reality unless you do it." Followed by "sweetie, I am not trying to bait you." She has called me dear once and awhile, but never sweetie. Talk about a way to stop my protests that its not fantasy.
**** I think I would pass out from happiness if my T ever called me sweetie. He won't do that, but sometimes he'll tease me and call me ma'am, which I like. And he has a way of saying my name that's absolutely wonderful. Thank you Poet.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 13, 2007, at 9:54:05
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by peddidle on August 12, 2007, at 23:37:17
> My T also says that, because I say I don't want to act on them, they are just obsessive thoughts. There are times, though, when the thoughts are unbearably strong, that I feel like I might do something about them.
**** I don't know. They don't feel obsessive, because they just pop into my head at random moments. It's not something I dwell on, they just pop in and out.
She says that I need to recognize that they are part of the depression, or OCD, or whatever, and then learn to separate them from my real thoughts. Just because the thoughts are there, doesn't mean you have to act on them. Does that make any sense?
**** Certainly. I have absolutely no intention of acting on them.
> Have you told your T about these thoughts yet? I think it's important that you discuss them with him, even if they are just thoughts and you know that nothing will ever come of them. In case you're worried, he can't hospitalize you or anything like that unless you tell him that you are definitely going to hurt yourself.
**** Yeah, I've talked to my T before. I think it would have to be pretty bad before he would hospitalize me. I've been pretty bad before so I think he was worried about me, but I'm so so far from there now that I'm not even worried about that. Thank you.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 13, 2007, at 9:55:31
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by slugdoo on August 13, 2007, at 3:01:44
> I really don't know sunnydays, I get down, but rarely think of ending it all. Do you thing you are really fine most of the time? It must feel scarey for this to happen to you. I know I would be freaked out. ((((Sunnydays)))))))
**** Yes, I think I really am fine. I do wonder if I am pushing down feelings I really have, though, because my anxiety has gotten worse lately and I wonder if that may be why. I don't have any intention of acting, so they don't really scare me, it's just weird.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 13, 2007, at 9:56:36
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by Sigismund on August 13, 2007, at 4:06:51
Yes, I would like to be able to accept myself. That would be HUGE for me. I'd even like to love myself, but just acceptance is the first step.
sunnydays
Posted by DAisym on August 14, 2007, at 1:08:14
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger? » Sigismund, posted by sunnydays on August 13, 2007, at 9:56:36
Sometimes these thoughts belong to another part - a younger part that had these thoughts a lot before. They pop in just like her other thoughts and it helps to sometimes know that I'm wishing that part would die, or her pain would die.
It is no secret that I read or research everything so *of course* I've researched suicide a fair amount. The best book I found was "Night Falls Fast." It is heavy but fascinating.
I'm glad you aren't in a place of needing to take action. But be gentle with yourself around this.
Posted by sunnydays on August 14, 2007, at 9:38:00
In reply to Re: question ***suicide trigger?, posted by DAisym on August 14, 2007, at 1:08:14
Daisy, you're brilliant. :) That never would have occurred to me, but it makes perfect sense. I went through a period in second grade where I was trying to get someone, anyone, to notice something wasn't right and I would write on the tops and backs of all my school papers, "I want to die, I hate my life." It very well could be that it's the little girl part telling me she's unhappy. At that point in my life I even one day when the school counselor was in our class room made a lot of excuses to walk past her saying I hate my life. You'd think someone would have looked into it more than they did...
Uggh. I think I am officially depressed. Every day it seems I wake up more and more sad-feeling and less motivated to do anything about it.
sunnydays
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