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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
I figured I should have started my own thread about this, again, I'm sorry llurpsienoodle for leeching onto yours. And thanks Daisy for your kind and comforting words.
> I just told my T last week that I thought the end of the summer semester was an appropriate time to terminate. It just feels right, and there are also practical reasons for that time. We had set a date previously, but that turned out to be premature, so I get to go through the grief of termination for a second time now.
>
> It's grief, no doubt about it. And whenever I think about it without immediately distracting myself, I start to bawl. I haven't yet really told my T how I feel about him and what it's all meant. I've tried some. But it's huge. It's really huge, and I don't know that I can do it without breaking down completely. I know he'd be okay with that, but I don't know that I would be. It's too terrifying. Plus, if he offered a hug, which I have no idea if he would or not, I'd worry that I'd get snot all over his shirt. Isn't that stupid? Of course I also worry that I'd have a hard time letting go.
>
> I know that he wouldn't judge what I'd say to him, or make fun of, brush off, or any of the other fears I have related to rejection. I KNOW he wouldn't, but yet I still fear it. And what I would "offer", my caring, my vulnerability, ME essentially, is so huge and so important. It's such a damn risk.This stupid fear of rejection is so pervasive. I realized the other day, it's even affecting me making the gift I plan to give him at the end, the "parting gift" as I call it. :) I've been obsessing over colors and patterns and such until I finally just stopped thinking about it. I realized that I tend to do this whenever I'm making something for someone else that I care about. I don't follow through. I thought it was just laziness or avoidance, but I think it's that freeze thing again. If I don't do it, it can't be judged, right? Bah.
>
> And to top it all off, when I told him the date and he agreed, he told me he had to have surgery in a couple weeks, and he will be out for 2-4 weeks. Not long after he's back and just before termination he goes on vacation for two weeks. So we both said at the same time, "that doesn't leave us very many sessions at all." And that feels like rejection or abandonment deep down, too. At least I think that's what's behind the sobbing about that. Sigh. And then today I had to ask what his surgery was. I just had to ask. Stupid me. Because now I'm all upset about that, too.
>I can't believe I have to go through all this with these big gaps in my attendance. I know it's not his fault, and I'm not mad at him, at least I don't think. But I feel despairing and terribly sad and such. It's another loss or another part of loss.
Anywhoo, I could really use some hand-holding or something. Because crying alone sucks, though you have less chance of getting snot on anyone else, I guess.
gg
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 7, 2007, at 18:48:15
In reply to Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
I'm so sorry, GG. I can just imagine how hard this is.
My T is "semi-retired," and I am dreading the day that she all-the-way retires.
So I feel for you and I'm happy to hold your hand.
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2007, at 19:33:51
In reply to Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
Ah, that really stinks. It might be a good time to terminate for some reasons, but on the other hand it is terrible to get cheated of the remaining sessions that you do have.
The nice thing about crying here is that people really do understand what a big deal termination is.
Posted by annierose on June 7, 2007, at 20:43:12
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on June 7, 2007, at 19:33:51
It sucks having to go through this process more than once, and then feel cheated that you didn't get enough time to process all of those emotions that you have been holding onto .... waiting.
Not to stir the pot ... can you extend your sessions by a few more weeks so you have that sense of continuity before leaving?
I'm happy for you that you are even at this place. You have worked so hard to be here. It really should be a celebration ... then why is it filled with grief? (I know the answer). My t calls it a bittersweet ending for both her and the client.
Like I told Lurspie, you'll never regret sharing your kind feelings and your special parting gift with your therapist. But you might regret withholding one or both.
We all come to therapy with different things on our plate. So what we can and can't do varies with each relationship. He knows that. You demostrate such courage in crossing this milestone. Congratulations!! I am proud of you.
Posted by Poet on June 7, 2007, at 21:04:10
In reply to Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
Hi GG,
If I can tolerate air hugs I think I can handle cyber hand holding.
I'm passing you an industrial strength box of tissues.
I always deny a fear of abandonment, but I know if I were close to ending therapy I would be hard pressed to deny that fear.
Poet
Posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 22:07:02
In reply to Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
You know, it occurs to me that often the path of termination involves stretching out the time between sessions. You then get to see the consolidation and integation that occurs and yet still have the support and even the "good for you for doing so well without me" sessions. So while I know it isn't ideal, perhaps these breaks will serve that purpose - going a little longer, and then a little longer, instead of stopping "cold turkey."
No matter how you go through it, it is going to sting. Bittersweet is the right word - I agree with AnnieRose. We are here - holding kleenax and doing whatever else you may need. (((GG)))
Be kind to yourself.
Posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 16:51:29
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T » gardenergirl, posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 22:07:02
I like what Daisy says, but at the same time-- but is it really right to terminate without the proper time? Isn't there a significant loss if you can't experience fully and process the emotions of termination? does it make sense, if there's a month, or six weeks when you and he won't see each other-- and the time is so abbreviated as to be truncated?
Would it be possible to terminate later-- even if it doesn't dovetail with your term ending? I mean-- termination is a thing unto itself-- and to be cheated of it doesn't seem right.
I mean-- it may not make sense-- but the tears and despair might be telling you something important-- if there's a way to find more actual time.
Honore
Posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2007, at 22:16:11
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou, posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 16:51:29
GG I'm with you holding your hand through cyberspace(((((((GG))))))))Love Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 14:46:44
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T » gardenergirl, posted by TherapyGirl on June 7, 2007, at 18:48:15
Thanks Therapygirl. I can imagine that the idea of her fully retiring lurks in the background a lot. I hope you get to work through things fully before that happens.
I appreciate the hand-holding. It's helped over the last few days. :)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 14:48:53
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on June 7, 2007, at 19:33:51
It really is helpful to have a place here where I can talk about this sort of irrationally, at least it felt like it, and have people get it. When my husband terminated his therapy, he just came home one day and said, "We decided to stop." And that was pretty much it, so I don't think he quite understands.
Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 14:54:06
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou, posted by annierose on June 7, 2007, at 20:43:12
Thanks annierose. You seem to have the whole picture of this, both the positive and the painful. Have you ever thought of becoming a T? :)
You know, I'd really like to extend a few sessions, but there are pragmatic reasons that might not work. It would be a new semester, and I don't think I'll be registering for any credit hours. So I won't qualify for services there anymore. :( I don't know if that could be overlooked or what.
I think the reason I got so very upset is that it now feels like I'm pretty much done. I have one more session next week, and then he's off for awhile. And you know with health stuff, there's always the chance of complications and such so that he doesn't come back before the semester ends. I would worry about him of course, but I would also pretty much be done. So I feel like my session next week is pretty much my last one. Or that I should treat it that way. And I just don't feel ready for that. So I'm panicking and grieving and stuff, I guess.
But aside from all that, yes, I do feel good about reaching this place. It's nice to hear you're proud of me as you are someone I respect and care about.
Thanks again,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 14:55:46
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on June 7, 2007, at 21:04:10
Thanks Poet, for the cyber hand-holding (does that lead to cyber sex? lol) and the kleenex. I've gone through a ton of them lately, darned flimsy things. Industrial strength sounds just right.
And yeah, it does feel like abandonment even though it's sort of planned. Bleah.
Thanks,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 15:00:08
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T » gardenergirl, posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 22:07:02
> You know, it occurs to me that often the path of termination involves stretching out the time between sessions. You then get to see the consolidation and integation that occurs and yet still have the support and even the "good for you for doing so well without me" sessions.
A lot of T's do it that way, and there are good reasons to. My T is on the other side of that fence, though. Firmly on the other side. He says, "Why would you change the therapy right at the end, when you are processing so much about termination?" He thinks it's important to have enough time to process termination fully, and that the therapy process in place, in this case weekly sessions, is the tool for that. With long term dynamic therapy, I think I agree with him.
But, that's not the way we get to do this, which really sucks. Though I suppose you're right in that I will get to see how I do with holding and coping with thoughts and feelings without being able to bring them to therapy.
Thanks for being here for me. It's a big help.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 15:03:58
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou, posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 16:51:29
Your thinking about this makes sense, and it's pretty much how I feel about it, too. I don't know if extending beyond our agreed end time would be allowed since I won't be registered for any credit hours then. At least I don't expect to be.
But it does feel like therapy is stopping rather abruptly, which feels bizarre since we've been working towards this most of the summer. And it feels like being cheated or having the chair at the dinner table pulled out from under me and being told, "buh bye!" Though he's being sensitive about this, not impersonal, etc. And it can't be helped.
Life happens. Sigh. I just wish the important stuff happened more as planned.
Thanks.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 15:04:31
In reply to Re: Fewer sessions left til term. and worries abou, posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2007, at 22:16:11
Thanks Phillipa. You're always kind, and it helps. :)
gg
Posted by canadagirl on June 12, 2007, at 17:20:39
In reply to Fewer sessions left til term. and worries about T, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
I'm behind the times catching up here. As a professional terminator (ha 3x now) I have lived through it, 3x too many. But from my limited perspective there is no way but through, and hopefully you will have some words and thoughts that you can express in that last session. Make sure you do. It's so important. You need to mark the occasion, the passage, the journey's end or whatever you want to call it, that you have been on with him. It will be hard but it will be meaningful on both sides too, his and yours. Say what you need to say and let the tears come. You deserve it, you've both had a shared experience together and that's what needs to be honoured.
This is the end of the thread.
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