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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 9:12:04
i AM going to ask for that voicemail... don't know how to work up the courage yet... but i don't know what to ask for in it. He said that we should talk about it in session so he can give me what i feel i need... but i don't know what that is. i wrote about the depths when things were real bad.. it helps to do that.. but i have no idea what to ask him to say.
SOmeone said their T leaves them messages saying he will be back.. that he has not gone forever. i don't think that is what i need, i don't worry about that sort of thing. But i don't know what it is i DO need... all i know is that the one voicemail i have now is soothing somehow.. and i have a wish that it said something other than the appointment times we booked.
i need suggestions... concrete or other
much love and peace
Posted by sunnydays on May 12, 2007, at 10:28:54
In reply to voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 9:12:04
You could leave it up to him. When I asked for a voicemail, I just asked if he would leave me one. We didn't get a chance to talk about it for a variety of reasons, but he left me the perfect voicemail on his own. Sometimes the best voicemails are the spontaneous ones because they really speak from the heart. Maybe just tell him you're looking for something reassuring, and you're not quite sure what that would be, but if he could try, you two could see if what he left worked. That might get you a really from the heart voicemail.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2007, at 10:54:06
In reply to voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 9:12:04
Talking about it is probably best. But you have said that what you'd like is something to listen to when you're in crisis. If that's what you need, what does he say to you in crisis that helps you?
Do you need him to tell you some healthy things you can do? Do you need him to tell you that it matters to him if you hurt yourself?
If you have the general goal in mind, the particulars can be discussed with him.
With me, when I asked him for the guided relaxation, and brought a tape recorder to session, it was terrific in all but one way. It could have been used on a tape sold to anyone. It would have helped if he used my name in it. Like "Dinah, think of someplace you feel safe." instead of "Think of someplace you feel safe."
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 11:17:10
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by Dinah on May 12, 2007, at 10:54:06
those are good points... but of course, we always trip over ourselves don't we? the big ..no, BIG thing we got to last week was that i never feel like my emotional side gets heard and he said because i never learned how to process feelings they just get louder and stronger until i am lost. It was more complicated than that but you get the idea.. it was a revelation. Part of that whole thing is being unable to ask for things which speak to my emotional side...
your suggestions make me realize that i don't want practical stuff... i want soothing stuff. i want something that is speaking directly to my emotional side... because that part is the part that is freaking out and is overriding my thinking.
i'm going to have a hard time asking for that... makes me feel dorky. i agree that if he used my name it would help more.. but i'd feel even dorkier to ask for that too. My thinking side thinks my feeling side is such a loser.
he has not spoken with me while i was in full crisis mode.. so i don't know what he would say. all i know is that i got very anxious in his office one day and the way he handled that really got through to me.. and i told him that. i told him THAT spoke to ME... the me in here. i dunno.. his tone changed and he became verbally gentle somehow.. it almost makes me cry.
THAT is what i want.. but i don't know exactly what THAT was...
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 11:22:13
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for? » gazo, posted by sunnydays on May 12, 2007, at 10:28:54
how long had you been seeing him sunny? i mean when you asked for that... i don't know if my T knows me quite well enough to know just the right thing.. but maybe. i really would prefer it be that way, just the right thing and from the heart. i have a feeling though from the things you have said that you relate to your T on a very emotion-based level and he can clearly see your emotional needs maybe (just guessing of course). i present myself very logical based.. i'm all cognitive..supposedly. It's been a problem because people see that and offer practical advice, which is good too.. but no one ever just gives me a hug.
He does have a better idea than most because of a conversation we had just this week... i just don't think he has a good sense of depth with me yet.
it would mean so much to me if he could do what your T did.
Posted by sunnydays on May 12, 2007, at 11:55:41
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for? » sunnydays, posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 11:22:13
> how long had you been seeing him sunny?
***** I had been seeing him for about two years.
i mean when you asked for that... i don't know if my T knows me quite well enough to know just the right thing.. but maybe. i really would prefer it be that way, just the right thing and from the heart. i have a feeling though from the things you have said that you relate to your T on a very emotion-based level and he can clearly see your emotional needs maybe (just guessing of course). i present myself very logical based.. i'm all cognitive..supposedly. It's been a problem because people see that and offer practical advice, which is good too.. but no one ever just gives me a hug.
**** If you could say that exactly too him, or print it out and hand it to him in session, I bet he would get it. I started therapy on a very intellectual, cognitive level. I really didn't think I had emotions anymore. But my T from the very start operated on the assumption that I did. I would tell him a memory or something very intellectually, and he would respond with all the emotion that I didn't express. It was the difference for me, because it really touched me and eventually I was able to trust that if he could hear it and react and not fall apart, I wouldn't either, and so eventually (after about a year and a half) I cried for the first time. And then panicked and started hyperventilating, but he was able to calm me down by telling me to slow my breathing and just telling me I was ok, I was safe, it was just crying, over and over. But what you just said above I think captures exactly what you need, and I think if you could say or give that to him, I bet he would get what you need. Also, I bet you think you come across very logically, but T's can often see the emotion under something that we think we said without any emotion at all.
>
> He does have a better idea than most because of a conversation we had just this week... i just don't think he has a good sense of depth with me yet.**** I don't know about that. If you could just give him the post you wrote, I bet he would get it.
>
> it would mean so much to me if he could do what your T did.**** Yeah, it meant a lot to me too.
sunnydays
Posted by peddidle on May 12, 2007, at 13:37:03
In reply to voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 9:12:04
Honestly, I think maybe you just want to hear his voice, and know that he is speaking directly to you. I've never had a voicemail from my T, but we communicate through email a lot. Even an email from her is comforting; it helps to know that she's thinking about me, even if it's just for the 30 seconds it takes to write the email.
Maybe just tell your T that you don't really know why, but you want him to leave you a voicemail that you can listen to when you're having a hard time in between sessions, and let him figure out what you need from him.
I think Dinah had a good suggestion about making sure the message is personalized. I forget who said this, but supposedly, your own name is the most precious word you will ever hear-- you can even hear it when it is spoken amidst the crowd in a noisy room. I don't think there is any particular reason for this, but my T doesn't usually say my name. When she does, though, something about it makes me pay really close attention to what she is saying, and makes me feel like she is really trying to get through to me.
I hope your T is able to give you what you need.
Posted by peddidle on May 12, 2007, at 13:43:07
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by sunnydays on May 12, 2007, at 11:55:41
> Also, I bet you think you come across very logically, but T's can often see the emotion under something that we think we said without any emotion at all.
**Isn't that incredible? Even when I try to say something without emotion, she can usually tell if I'm being fake or trying to hide something. I'm sure it took a lot of practice, but it always amazes me when my T can tell me what she thinks I'm feeling, even if I don't know myself.
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 14:25:18
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by sunnydays on May 12, 2007, at 11:55:41
that is sort of where i am at... feeling like i have no feelings except when i hit bottom and that is usually late at night. In session i don't feel anything. When i tell him things i call it reading my grocery list because i do it so casually as if it's nothing... because it has become nothing, i have become nothing inside. SOmetimes i wish i could cry, but it just never comes. i don't know how i feel inside a lot of the time.. especially when talking with my T.
Maybe you are right.. maybe i'll print out the whole thread.. maybe it will make sense to him.
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 14:35:04
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for?, posted by peddidle on May 12, 2007, at 13:37:03
you know.. that is true.. and i have often stopped H from calling me other things, and make him say my name instead. i feel depersonalized even when it's meant nicely.
i do want more than just his voice though... i have that now. i want what i got when i got anxious in his office. i don't care so much what he says, but i want that quality of whatever it was. His tone changed or something.. i don't know.. it was more emotional maybe? Gentle? i don't know, i mean, he's always calm and gentle but something was different somehow because he saw i was in distress.
he didn't say anything unusual.. it was stuff like "tell me what you are thinking/feeling right now.." and so on. He tried to get me to breath slowly and stuff but i couldn't.. i just couldn't DO anything differently, all i could do was listen and so i focussed on his voice and i calmed down.
so in a way you are right, it is his voice..but it has to be that concerned voice? the one that knows i am hurting or freaked out?
Monday's appt is going to be very weird.
Posted by Daisym on May 12, 2007, at 21:18:12
In reply to Re: voicemail...what do i ask for? » peddidle, posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 14:35:04
I think what you felt when you were anxious is what is referred to as being "emotionally held." These are very special moments in which some part of you connects with some part of him and feels comforted and just known somehow. I've yet to figure out how to MAKE those moments happen, but they are very special when they do. So you may not be able to figure out what the words or tone were, because it was more than that. My therapist describe those moments as "magic" -- for him too.
I think you've received a lot of great advice on this thread. Perhaps you need to hear that he will hold you in his mind while he is gone and therefore hold the hope too. You aren't alone, even at 2am.
Monday will be fine. It is a big step to ask for what you need and brave too. Be proud of yourself.
This is the end of the thread.
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