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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Daisym on December 3, 2006, at 1:13:19
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » All Done, posted by Poet on December 2, 2006, at 13:50:32
I have several ideas this year, most of them sarcastic. My first thought is to give my therapist a can opener, because we have an ongoing joke about the times he needs to use the super-size one to open me up.
I also thought about buying him a shredder because of all the journal pages I've given him. This would help him safely get rid of all that stuff.
I'm afraid to give him baked goods because he knows I bake when I'm completely stressed out.
So I guess I'm still thinking about it.
I think you should buy your therapist couch pillows. :)
Posted by annierose on December 3, 2006, at 7:15:33
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » Poet, posted by Daisym on December 3, 2006, at 1:13:19
This thread is interesting. I have always given my T a gift for Christmas. And I usually begin to think about it long before now. I don't know why, but I don't want to give her a gift this year. I'm not sure what that is about (and it's an issue I certainly am not going to explore with her ... can you imagine that session?).
I have had a rough year. Although prior to her leaving on vacation last week I felt we were almost back to our comfortable working relationship, it just doesn't feel right. I wonder if I'll change my mind.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 3, 2006, at 9:24:25
In reply to Re: Gift giving? Nope., posted by annierose on December 3, 2006, at 7:15:33
Mine simply doesn't accept any gifts (or give any); I have no idea when his birthday is, either. Is this a psychoanalyst thing? The only thiing I do is send him a Christmas card- ours has a watercolor painting by me on the front and an inserted page of photos of us, our son and his wife, our animals, and photos of flowers and rural scenes (we are amateur botanists). I haven't yet gotten the impression that he is all that thrilled to get even that, so I guess his gift-boundaries are VERY strict!
Posted by annierose on December 3, 2006, at 11:35:28
In reply to Re: Mine doesn't accept any.., posted by Pfinstegg on December 3, 2006, at 9:24:25
I am always happy that she does receive my gifts so graciously even though she has strict boundaries herself. It would feel rejecting if I didn't know her policy and she refused the gift.
Your holiday card sounds beautiful.
Posted by annierose on December 3, 2006, at 11:41:33
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
to give or not to give???
it's always a tough decision even if you do decide to give him something!
Posted by shrinking violet on December 3, 2006, at 17:49:23
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by wishingstar on December 1, 2006, at 23:21:19
It's so funny, because I gave a number of gifts to my former T. I think my relationship with her was so complex emotionally that I wanted to "give" her something to make up for all of the bad stuff I tended to give her (or, rather, maybe the way she made me feel about that bad stuff I gave her....?). With my current T, I don't even think of giving a gift at all. I may send her a generic card, but that's it. Plus, my current T has pretty clear boundaries and she is in control of them (totally opposite of my last T) so I'm not sure if she'd even accept a gift. It doesn't matter either way, though, b/c like I said I'm not feeling that way toward her. I guess this is what a "normal" T relationship should be like? lol
Posted by LadyBug on December 3, 2006, at 22:34:42
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
My T won't accept gifts either. Early on she let me give her just about anything, I think she was afraid of me feeling rejected. Last Christmas I tried to give her a gift but she refused it and it made me feel horrible. So I have vowed not to go there no matter how tempted I may be. I think she will allow me to give her a card, one that I will make. If I were to make some cookies she would probably let me bring some for us to share during our session.
I'm ok with this. Giving her something becomes too stressful as I would worry if it was good enough etc.
LadyBug
Posted by All Done on December 4, 2006, at 21:20:33
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
So many thoughts on gift giving, from both sides of the therapeutic relationship, huh?
The first gift I ever gave my T I brought to my session and then proceeded to talk to him about why I got it for him, and I said I understood if he couldn't accept it because of boundaries. He was quite gracious in accepting it. Since then, I've given him a gift for each therapy anniversary and cards at Christmas along with some baked goods last year. (I think. I'm getting confused about what I've done when. Maybe I should check the Babble archives. I know I've obsessed about it more than once here. ;) )
Anyway, I worried aloud to him if the baked goods were a bad idea last Christmas. I included peanut butter balls and rum balls. Right after I gave it to him, I thought I may be killing him if he's allergic to peanuts or what if he's an alcoholic (not incidentally, like my dad was...can you say transference?) and I just gave him *rum* balls - way to go, Laurie. He didn't say much about it but seemed to enjoy geting the treats, so I think it was all okay. At least he'd been warned. ;)
I'd like to go with the pillows, Daisy, but he already bought one. It's nice and squishy. :) Since I threatened to throw it at him "Poet-style" last week (thanks for the idea, Poet!), I think it might just seem like I'm stocking up on ammunition or something, though. :)
Thanks for all your responses, everyone!
Lots of Babble hugs for everyone!
Laurie
...Let's make sure we have a post-Christmas follow-up thread. I'll be interested to see how everything goes for everyone.
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2006, at 16:14:25
In reply to Re: Gift giving? Nope., posted by annierose on December 3, 2006, at 7:15:33
I just wanted to say that I'm glad things are getting back to normal with your therapist. How long is she gone?
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2006, at 16:15:55
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
I'm seeing mine Christmas Eve this year. Yeah, I know it's weird, but he swears it's no trouble. That he's stuck in town anyway and he just as soon do something he enjoys and feel productive.
So maybe I'll bring him a gingerbread man or something.
Posted by annierose on December 5, 2006, at 16:53:21
In reply to Re: Gift giving? Nope. » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2006, at 16:14:25
Dinah -
My t came back today. It felt good seeing her again and sharing all the hoopla over the new store opening. I thought of her during the party and wished she could have been there. And I hope she was there in thought anyway. It was a good "coming back from vacation" session --- light and chatty --- nothing deep.
Now I'm already bracing myself for her next vacation between Christmas and New Year's, although I'll be so busy myself.
I think the gingerbread idea is a good one. It's special seeing your T on Christmas Eve. My t is so thin and fit, I doubt she eats any treats. She has zero body fat in a healthy looking way. Maybe I'm not giving her a gift because I really can't think of anything that would be "just right".
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 11:20:09
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
Hello....
It's been a while since I've posted so I thought I'd chime in with this thread since I started stressing about it months ago. :)
I do like to give my therapist a little something, and she always accepts it graciously. However, it's not like shopping for a friend or family member, so it's a challenge to keep it within the therapeutic boundaries. I try to find something small, and with some kind of meaning; it's usually hard, but sometimes the right thing will just jump out at me... like last year. Last year I found a pink heart plate (with snowflakes). Pink hearts are symbolic in a very personal way, so I baked cookies and gave them to her on that plate.
This year it looks like I will be giving her something very similar to something I gave her the year before; I feel a little silly, like maybe it looks like I didn't put much thought into it, but I really did... and I can't really come up with any other ideas.On another note, I noticed some of you give your T's cards... I have a question... I've never given my T a card at Christmastime because she is Jewish, and although I am not, I didn't know if it would be appropriate to give her a Christmas card, or a Hannukkah card. I tried to find just a "holiday" card, but all the ones I see, the wording just isn't good. I'll keep looking, but I may skip the card again. Still curious about your answers though!
LGL
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 12:19:48
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 11:20:09
My husband nearly always prepares his own cards on all occasions. I did the same when I gave my therapist an anniversary card.
That way you can say what you feel, wish her a happy appropriate holiday, and not have to worry about the words not fitting.
(I can't draw like my husband can, so I used photos.)
Posted by Poet on December 6, 2006, at 12:25:56
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 11:20:09
Hi LGL,
I'm not artistic to make my own cards, so I buy blank ones and right my own message in. Maybe you can find one with snowflakes on it and write Happy Holidays or Happy New Year or whatever you want to say to her in it.
Poet
Posted by RN320 on December 6, 2006, at 13:24:19
In reply to Gift giving?, posted by All Done on December 1, 2006, at 23:05:51
I've read everyone's posts on this topic with great interest. I started therapy >5 years ago and have always remembered my therapist and pdoc with a gift at the holidays. It just never occurred to me NOT to.......so the first year when I brought a gift for my therapist, I was initially stunned when he got very awkward and told me that he had never accepted a gift from a patient before and that he didn't know if he could. I didn't feel rejected- I was really offended and told him that maybe he needed to dig deeper into his own issues on this topic. I also told him that he needed to understand that giving and accepting gifts are a part of life, and that they actually meet needs of the giver AND receiver. I then suggested that if he was uncomfortable in accepting a gift that he should just suck it up and say a simple "thank you" as that's all that's required. He looked kind of embarassed, and then told me a story about when he was a student, and a mentally retarded child gave him a mug. He was threatened with expulsion from his doctorate program because he took the mug- feeling that it was the right thing to do because it was so important to the child. It made me realize that the educational process for a therapist must be somewhat damaging to the human psyche. He told me after the first year experience that I had taught him something valuable- that it's important to be able to accept an unconditional gift, which is what the holidays are supposed to be about. He's been very gracious every year since then.
My pdoc has never flinched at accepting a gift. His office is filled with stuff every year at the holidays, so he must be very used to it. He's Jewish, so I always get him a rather generic Hanukkah card. I feel that it shows that I acknowledge how important his faith is to him and even though I'm not Jewish myself, I don't feel strange about getting him a card to wish him a Happy Hanukkah, since that's the holiday he celebrates.
At the holidays every year I write each of them a personal note- telling them how much I appreciate their support, and mention what I feel that they brought to my life during that year. It does become challenging to be creative each year on what to get them. I have zero culinary talent, so baking is out of the question! I'm on a pretty tight budget, but personally, I like crystal. So, I've been able to shop around to find things like picture frames, clocks, votives/candles. This year it's crystal wine coasters with a gift certificate from a wine store. I don't know if this has ever crossed a boundary, and I never asked. Maybe I should have, based on some of the postings. I think that for now, I choose to remain ignorant. (I also figure that my therapist would probably be afraid that I'd toss something at him if he attempted to set a strict boundary in this one area since he heard my feelings loud and clear 5 years ago!)
This year will be very different for me with regards to my therapist, who became suddenly ill with a life threatening situation in November. He's a young guy, and it's a really tragic story, but the bottom line is that he's finally home and will now require a lot of therapy to see if he can fully recover. I don't know if he'll ever be able to practice again, but I've decided that I'll mail his gift to his home.
Good luck to you in finding the right something to express your feelings.
/m
Posted by Daisym on December 6, 2006, at 19:35:25
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 11:20:09
My therapist is Jewish also, and I usually find either a funny card or a Hanukkah card. I actually have found cards for therapists and once I found Santa on the couch. He laughed. I also like the cards with little kids on the front and blank inside. He likes those too. No matter what I choose, I usually write a long, personal note.
I must say that it startles me when he'll bring up what I wrote during a session. He'll say, "like you said in your card to me..." I guess I'm really glad to know that he reads the whole card, but somehow it feels a little like having your diary read out loud.
The plate and cookies sound perfect. I think I figured out the perfect gift this year too, but I'm not telling yet! :)
Nice to see you posting.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 20:19:55
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » LittleGirlLost, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2006, at 12:19:48
> My husband nearly always prepares his own cards on all occasions. I did the same when I gave my therapist an anniversary card.
Dinah,
That's a nice idea, only I'm not that creative! Though I suppose I could find a nice blank card and try to write something... I usually let Hallmark take care of that and I add to it. ;)
LGL
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 20:22:21
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » LittleGirlLost, posted by Poet on December 6, 2006, at 12:25:56
> I'm not artistic to make my own cards, so I buy blank ones and right my own message in. Maybe you can find one with snowflakes on it and write Happy Holidays or Happy New Year or whatever you want to say to her in it.
> Poet
Ahhh Poet, I read your mind! I just responded to Dinah above before I saw your suggestion. :)
Thanks!LGL
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 20:36:01
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on December 6, 2006, at 19:35:25
>> My therapist is Jewish also, and I usually find either a funny card or a Hanukkah card.
That's cool, I didn't know if it would be appropriate for me to give a Hanukkah card being that I am not Jewish. And a funny card... I didn't even think of that! I usually stick to the serious toned ones when I have given her a card. But now I'm thinking of one that I saw recently. It was in the Hanukkah section and said something like, "Some people celebrate Hanukkah, and some people celebrate Christmas" (with cartoony pictures of cakes and cookies and things) and the inside was something like, "but it's the sugary sweets of the season that bridge us together" Something like that. That might work if I don't find anything else.
>> I actually have found cards for therapists and once I found Santa on the couch.
Now that is awesome!! I would love to be able to find something like that!
>> The plate and cookies sound perfect.
Yes, she liked them last year. Though I don't think she got the symbolism behind the plate at first because she offered to give it back next time we met! ...till I explained...
>> I think I figured out the perfect gift this year too, but I'm not telling yet! :)
Whatever it is, I'm sure he will love it. I think they like just knowing the thought behind it, and that it is from you, so I'm sure whatever it is will be perfect.
LGL
Posted by 10derHeart on December 6, 2006, at 20:36:05
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » Dinah, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 6, 2006, at 20:19:55
Not sure about this year yet...but last year, I gave my T. this little snowman...maybe 2" high, attached to the outside of his Christmas card. The following week he hung the snowman on the outside of his door <smile>
Today I saw him, and there it was again. When I mentioned it, he said, "Well, of course it's there," as if it was a given. <smile> And I'd been scared to ask if he'd lost it, thrown it away, etc...
He's a good guy. He really is.
Now, to figuring out this year....hmmm....
Posted by All Done on December 8, 2006, at 16:32:03
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » All Done, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2006, at 16:15:55
> I'm seeing mine Christmas Eve this year. Yeah, I know it's weird, but he swears it's no trouble. That he's stuck in town anyway and he just as soon do something he enjoys and feel productive.
>
> So maybe I'll bring him a gingerbread man or something.I saw my T on Christmas Eve last year. It was nice except when, after I'd asked him about a hundred times if it was okay, he said something like, "when did Christmas Eve become a day off?" Kind of took away from the fact that I thought it was nice of him to go out of his way to see clients on Christmas Eve.
It's nice that your T said he'd be doing something he enjoys. :)
Posted by Southerngirl12 on December 19, 2006, at 15:29:27
In reply to Re: Gift giving? » Dinah, posted by All Done on December 8, 2006, at 16:32:03
Had a horrible session with my therapist last night. Gave her a Christmas card with a gift certificate and she got all professional and said, "I cannot accept this. It's generous, we are not supposed to accept this. I will think about it and just set it right here." I explained that I didn't know the "rules" and then said, "You're welcome." The card just sat on a table and I had to stare at it the remainder of the hour. I was miserable. I wanted to say, "Look, it's Christmas and giving gifts is something I enjoy. My cleaning ladies get more than you so lighten up!" It completely hurt my feelings and I shut down and started talking about general issues...At the end of the session, she said, "Well, since you didn't know the rules, I will accept this this time." I didn't say much. I noticed when I said Happy Thanksgiving, there was no return of the same. Thought that was odd and she's always been extremely guarded. I only recently found out she had a son. Only because I am a school teacher and she asked me a question about a calendar issue.
I want to quit because I was so embarrassed. I felt as if I was a little kid in trouble...
We have had some excellent sessions and I don't want to start all over, but the response and the rudeness was something I was completely unprepared for. I was shocked and disappointed. She knows so much about me, and I felt should have handled me a little more gently. There are a thousand different ways to say what she said. It was not worth the tension in the room. She alluded to the fact I seemed agitated. Yeah, pissed is more like it.
Posted by sunnydays on December 19, 2006, at 15:39:29
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by Southerngirl12 on December 19, 2006, at 15:29:27
((((((Southerngirl)))))
I know it was embarrassing, and I'm sure I would be terribly hurt and want to quit too, but can you hang in there? Try to talk to her and tell her how you felt. Hopefully she will be able to take some responsibility. My guess is she was surprised and that's why she didn't handle it as well as you would have liked.
sunnydays
Posted by Southerngirl12 on December 19, 2006, at 16:03:03
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by sunnydays on December 19, 2006, at 15:39:29
Thanks, sunnydays. It has bothered me all day. I didn't know it would affect me as it has. I come from a very generous farm family. Christmas time was for us to give to others. I felt so defeated. When I was in therapy about 7 years ago, my therapist then was very open and honest with me. I ended up at her house for a Super Bowl party and was able to separate what we talked about in therapy from typical talk.
I am gay,too, so I thought maybe my current therapist was thinking I was coming on to her. Absolutely not the case. I am in a very fulfilling relationship of 8 years with my partner. I guess I have to have this conversation...it's just an honesty moment I don't want to have. Imagine me talking with her about how she made me feel when she has trouble deciding whether to accept a gift card? I don't think the conversations will go smoothly. I view her differently now, too.
Hopefully you are right and I am mulling over this like a hurt puppy. I guess I need to get over it and move on. I have enough stress in my life and I certainly don't need my therapist to stress me.
Posted by wishingstar on December 20, 2006, at 19:46:10
In reply to Re: Gift giving?, posted by 10derHeart on December 6, 2006, at 20:36:05
The gift for Ginny is decided. I made gingerbread cookies, but with butterscotch pudding rather than molassas, so theyre like a not so strong version. Very yummy. I decorated them with the icing you can draw with and I got such a kick out of it! If you could get admitted for crazy gingerbread people, I'd be committed for life. I had myself cracking up, and I really was trying to make them look good! I even put in one, a gingerbread man, that was wearing a bow tie and shorts, no shirt. Haha. I'll give it to her tomorrow.. I hope she likes it.
This is the end of the thread.
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