![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on July 12, 2006, at 1:32:09
I do it religiously (gotta stay on the lookout for new info, you know) and now I think I really regret it.
In case anyone doesn't know, I recently found out for certain that my husband is gay. And I went back to the T who termintated me because I wouldn't take AD's. I'll be moving into an apartment soon, but currently we are still living in the same house. Remarkably we are getting along better than we have in years, yet it is still some of the deepest pain I have ever known. We both know I need to go and that we will divorce; but the very idea of it brings us to tears.
Several weeks ago my T told me about a local support group for gay people and their friends and family. My husband went tonight. He was going to report back so I'd have an idea whether or not I'd feel comfortable attending next month. He told me a little about the people there and mentioned that there was a guy who'd recently graduated from high school and would be attending a certain out of state university; but, he couldn't remember his name.
Alarm sirens were going off in my head because, from my googling, I know my T's son will be attending the very same school this fall. I gave my husband a first name and asked if it sounded familiar. He said that was it and asked how I knew. I told him I thought it could be my T's son. Then I could tell the lightbulb went off in his head. He said he remembered that the guy signed the email list right before him and he did, indeed, have the same last name as my T.
Here I sit, with T in less than 12 hours, wishing I did not know what I know. Well, actually, I think I'm glad to know because it gives me this sense of connection with her. I just wish I'd found out some other way. I'd like to talk to her about it. I have so many questions. But to tell her the truth about how I know would mean revealing my google habits and, frankly, I'm terrified of being terminated again, this time because I know something I'm not supposed to know.
I really wish she'd told me. I think I'd have spent a LOT less time feeling so uncomfortable with the subject matter. Why does it make such a difference to have something in common?
And what in the world do I do later at my appointment???
Posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 1:51:02
In reply to Why it's a bad idea to google your T, posted by jammerlich on July 12, 2006, at 1:32:09
I think you can mention it because of the name recognition. You can ask "is this your son?" innocently enough.
As far as the bond of having something in common, it works for most people, not all. I think you should bring it up if you can.
Good luck!
Daisy
Posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 2:18:37
In reply to Re: Why it's a bad idea to google your T, posted by Daisym on July 12, 2006, at 1:51:02
You know, though -- I've googled my T, and learned a few things, but she's also brought similar things up.
I found her home address -- which I wasn't looking for, by the way -- but before I could warn her, she talked to me about contacting her in an emergency, and said that her home telephone number and address were easily available. At the same time, I discovered her husband is a doctor. She told us that in group one night.
But honestly, I think it would be good for you to talk about this with her. Talk to her about why you do it, and what it means to you to learn these things about her. Right now, even though it must feel pretty weird to you, you've got this huge area that you're having to make secret and shameful. Isn't that part of what most of us are doing in therapy? Shining lights into those dark places?
Just a thought, and I'm sorry to offer it... I don't mean to be, you know, whatever it is I am tonight...
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2006, at 7:39:44
In reply to Why it's a bad idea to google your T, posted by jammerlich on July 12, 2006, at 1:32:09
I think you could easily get by with mentioning that your husband noticed the name, and you were wondering if there was a relationship.
Although I'm astounded that in this day and age that anyone would be upset with being googled. Even my computer unsavvy therapist knows he'll be googled. And I think he googles himself now and then, and tries to get removed what he doesn't want to be public.
She likely didn't mention it because she was afraid it would make it difficult for you to talk about things honestly, without screening your words to protect her feelings. It doesn't always make it easier to share something just because you know someone else has similarities in their position.
I started to say something not too long ago, realized that my therapist had gone through something similar and what I said about myself might sting him a bit, and told him I was reluctant to continue. He of course urged me to continue, but simultaneously withdrew.
It's not always a positive thing. But it's more positive than keeping a secret. That can be a real therapy blocker.
Posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2006, at 8:26:30
In reply to Why it's a bad idea to google your T, posted by jammerlich on July 12, 2006, at 1:32:09
Gay support groups tend to have confidentiality rules. It is possible that your therapist's son hasn't told his mother that he is gay. You might want to wait until after the next support group meeting, and have your husband ask or find out if this kid is out with his mom. You wouldn't want to be the one to tell her...
Posted by joslynn on July 13, 2006, at 12:57:02
In reply to Caution, posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2006, at 8:26:30
I don't think you did anything wrong by googling, but your husband should NOT have shared who he saw there or any details, especially about last names on an email list that went around. Pretty much every support group I have gone to or heard of has confidentialy rules, like fallsfall said. The 12-step way of putting it is: Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here when you leave here.
So, due to your husband's mistake (or the leader's mistake for not explaining confidentiality) you are in this pickle. But I wouldn't blame yourself for the googling, I don't think that's really the issue that caused this. It's the breach of the group's confidentiality that casuesd this and it was not your responsbility, as an outsider, to understand how that all works.
Posted by susan47 on July 14, 2006, at 11:57:19
In reply to Re: Caution, posted by joslynn on July 13, 2006, at 12:57:02
And the fact that your husband broke confidentiality rules and if they weren't spoken clearly, he should honestly bring that up; if they were then he was in serious violation of his own moral values or what he says he stands up for. But perhaps he didn't think it applied to him? Or perhaps he wasn't listening.. or perhaps he signed nothing or agreed to nothing and that is the real problem and it has nothing to do with him, he's just passing on what information is available to anybody; we should all be careful of who we trust .. it would be a serious violation for you to mention this to your T. You might want to consider a new T ...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.