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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Quick background: I was on vacation last week with my husband and 2 children. The day before I left, I had a therapy appt. My T asked some specific questions about my trip. I asked, "So are you going there too?" Yes, she was going to the same area, our planes left at the same time, but luckily, we were flying different carriers.
While I was away, I mulled over our last session, feeling increasingly angry. Why did she wait until the last possible minute to tell me? What would she do if we were on the same plane? ... and the same row? Or the same resort?
Everytime I left my resort, I became so self-conscious with the fear that I might run into her.
So now we're both back, and today was my first appointment.
T: So how was your vacation?
Me: Okay (pause) I had a hard time coming here today.
T: Tell me about that - why it's so hard.
Me: I'm angry that you waited until the last minute to tell me we were going to the same city for our vacation. My anxiety was so high at the airport, baggage claim and public places. (While I was rattling my list, she was saying, "I'm so sorry.")
T: What would happen if I did see you?
Me: That isn't the point.
T: I didn't realize that we were leaving on the same day until recently. When I thought about it, I knew it wasn't easy for either of us to change our airplane reservations, so that wasn't an option. I kept thinking what were the chances we could be on the same plane. So I had to ask you to prepare you for the possibility. But what would happen if I did see you?
Me: I told you that I would acknowledge you and move on, protecting your privacy and boundries. But you never told me how you would respond. You could have ignored me, and that would have felt rejecting.
T: I would not ignore you. I would have said "Hello" but I would not have suggested we meet for dinner or something.
(I found that last remark insulting, of course I wouldn't meet for dinner. I was dying just over the possibility of meeting her at baggage claim!!)
T: I know you are upset. But I think the bigger picture is how vulnerable you are around woman judging you - how you look, what you are wearing, how are you kids behaving... I am not that person and I think you have a hard time believing that.
Me: I don't know if you don't tell me.
T: I tell you all the time. [And here is the part that kills me - as I smile typing it - because she was almost kind - but falls way short and acts so clinical instead] I feel warmly towards you. [me thinking inside my head - "warmly"? is she kidding, of all the adjectives in the world, that's the one she uses? ]
T: We have invested a lot of time into this big project that we are working on together.
She right. She has told me in the past that she likes me, cares about me, etc. I'll have to keep those memories closer to my heart than the "warm" comment. But my poor T, she cannot win for losing. I am so hard on her. I do see that. But can't I long for the perfect T who always knows just the perfect thing to say or do?
I am glad I went. I'm glad I didn't cancel. (Thanks Falls) And most of all, I am glad that she is my T, even though she isn't perfect.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 18:45:29
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
I wouldn't have been able to enjoy a moment waiting for her to pop up. :) It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being afraid of being judged. I just like my therapist to be where he belongs!
I'm sorry she didn't respond as ideally as you would have wished. But I'm glad you're both back and she's there for you, occasional imperfections and all.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 18:45:59
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Welcome back. I hope you had an enjoyable trip.
Posted by Racer on April 24, 2006, at 19:51:04
In reply to Re: This is what she said ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 18:45:29
> I just like my therapist to be where he belongs!
>I have a picture of your therapist, with his hairy ankles, as a Jack in the Box, that you wind up at the beginning of a session, and put back in his box at the end...
And AnnieRose, welcome home.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 20:08:32
In reply to You crack me up » Dinah, posted by Racer on April 24, 2006, at 19:51:04
Yellowish hairless ankles. I don't even want to know why or if he shaves his lower legs. :( Some things are just too personal. I don't even think he should go sockless, to tell the truth. It's improper.
He doesn't have to stay in his office, necessarily. Just out of my out of therapy life.
:P
Posted by fallsfall on April 24, 2006, at 22:00:34
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
"warmly"?? Give her a thesaurus for the next anniversary...
I'm glad you went, and really glad you talked about it. And she does care about you.
Next vacation, ask where she's going so you can go somewhere else. Or tell her as soon as you make your plans and make her figure out somewhere else to go.
This is why they aren't supposed to have lives.
(Actually, I can't keep from thinking about how Freud would take his patients on vacation with him. She should have seen you for your regularly scheduled sessions!!!!!)
Posted by gardenergirl on April 24, 2006, at 22:00:53
In reply to Re: You crack me up » Racer, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 20:08:32
Sometimes mens socks can sort of rub the hair off, or not let it grow or something. At least that what's my husband says. Shoot maybe he shaves his ankles? :)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 24, 2006, at 22:01:27
In reply to Re: This is what she said ..., posted by fallsfall on April 24, 2006, at 22:00:34
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 23:07:03
In reply to Re: You crack me up, posted by gardenergirl on April 24, 2006, at 22:00:53
Well, no fair. I wear socks all the time and my leg hairs grow just fine.
Figures I'd have stronger leg hairs than he does. :(
Posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:48:33
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Annie,
Welcome back. I hope you aren't tan. (nana)
I would have been a nervous wreck the whole time. And I think I would have been upset about the last minute thing too.
Isn't it amazing how we know what our therapists are trying to tell us and we just can't take it in? The words they choose are so important. But more is the tone of voice and the gentleness of it all.
You are so brave, you just keep going and being honest and trying to hard. I bet your therapist is secretly very pleased at how open you are to sharing all your feelings with her. Be proud of yourself. You are doing amazingly hard work!
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:08:50
In reply to Re: This is what she said ... » annierose, posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:48:33
I agree with Daisy. You are doing amazing work.
Posted by Poet on April 25, 2006, at 9:11:35
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Hi Annierose,
I am always afraid I’ll run into my T somewhere in public. If I had been in your situation anytime I left the resort I would have been slinking around wearing a big hat and dark glasses. I’d have spent most of the vacation trying to figure out where my T would be so I can be elsewhere. Now, where would she eat lunch…
I hope you managed to overcome some of the anxiety and relax a little bit. Glad you're back.
Poet
Posted by annierose on April 25, 2006, at 15:19:31
In reply to Re: This is what she said ... » annierose, posted by Poet on April 25, 2006, at 9:11:35
to everyone for being so supportive.
Going to therapy this time around is so different for me. Not just because I'm older, and slightly more mature, but the support of this community is extremely helpful to me, getting me through "transference hell". Instead of quitting every few months, I'm talking about why I want to quit instead. It's much better. This way, I'm not losing my time slots!
And it does feel good to be home.
Posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 21:32:08
In reply to This is what she said ..., posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 18:09:33
Argh! What a nightmare! I’d hate to think my therapist was on holiday anywhere near me. Oh no!
And yeah, the warm comment does seem to lack a certain something. I’m glad to hear that she tells you she likes you and cares about you. And it seems she’s also telling you she’s not going to judge you.
> But can't I long for the perfect T who always knows just the perfect thing to say or do?
I think you can! And the perfect partner, and the perfect kids, and the perfect boss…
> I am glad I went. I'm glad I didn't cancel. (Thanks Falls) And most of all, I am glad that she is my T, even though she isn't perfect.
That’s really sweet! She’s lucky to have you as her client!
Posted by annierose on April 26, 2006, at 6:08:56
In reply to Re: This is what she said ... » annierose, posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 21:32:08
Tamar -
How are you doing? I've been thinking about you. Therapy is hard, are you sorry you got back into it? I'm glad you are with your same T. I think it's the expection, rather than the rule, than the T will go for a walk with a client. He's not rejecting you, although I know it feels that way (I would feel that way too). It is one of the boundaries he has set up for himself.
How is your mother-in-law doing? Last I remember she was coming home from the hospital.
Annie
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