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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
It seems like people get better and move on, and I don't really feel like I'm getting better. Yesterday something happened that made me feel like I'm regressing not progressing.
I swing wildly between wanting to be close to my therapist again and wanting to cut all ties to him and never ever depend on anyone again.
I swing wildly between wanting to stay and wanting to move.
I am so tired all the time. With the onset of summer a few steps outside and I'm ready for a nap. Even walking across the house exhausts me and sets my heart to racing.
Am I that out of shape? Yeah, probably. But I know it's more mental than physical. If it were physical I'd be close to dead, and I'm not, so it must be mental.
It seems like I don't care about anything anymore. The dogs need brushing, but I'm just glad they let me know when they need food and water. I no longer really care what school is best for my son, or what is good for my husband's career. I sometimes wonder idly if I care abotu them. I know I don't care about me. Even stuff. I'm giving stuff away because I'm too impatient to try to sell it and I just want it gone. I'm supposed to be scanning things into my computer, but I'd rather just throw those things away too.
My therapist is going away in a way that will make it longer than a week till I can see him, but I feel no desire for camp comfort. I just want to hide away and sleep.
I'm ignoring calls from work. At least I think I am, except that I've got these slips of paper with information on them, so I must be doing something.
Time seems all wonky. I don't know how long ago I did something or what day it is. I forget what I'm doing between the time I set out to do something and when I arrive at where I'm going.
I just want to sleep.
I guess I'm better in the mornings since that's when it appears that anything I do gets done. But by evening it seems like a million years ago.
I'm even watching stuff I hate on TV because it's too much trouble to change the channel.
Yet I know I get stuff done sometimes because things are done. It just seems so distant and unreal.
I know I can't be doing as badly as I think, because my computer is almost restored.
I know I'm not doing as badly as I think I am.
I dunno.
I just want to sleep.
Some times I want to do worse things than sleep. But mostly I just want to sleep.
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 20:07:17
In reply to I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
I think I would feel that way too, if I had had so many problems and issues in my life in the last year as you.
I think you need to give yourself the same piece of advise that you gave me - take it easy on yourself.
I think you have been doing pretty well, considering all the turmoils that have happened. I am not sure I would be as sane as you are, under that circumstances. I think a moderate depression is very much warranted in your situation, and you should allow yourself that without regretting it too much or trying to push yourself out of it.
And as to your feeling that other people seem to move on and get better, I think it is a tricky part. I claim I am better mostly these days, but still there are days when I am in pretty bad shape. When I say I am better, I mean I am reasonably ok, and functional, and not as bad as I was before. I don't mean I am happy and smiling and jumping all the time. I think that better is a relative term. Most people are content to be little better than they were - and would retire at that point and go on with their lives. I think you are not settling for that, but instead are driving yourself to get more out of life. And I think that is good in a sense, but it also might make you feel like you are constantly working on yourself.
You have been doing admirably well, and I think you should give yourself more credit than you are giving and take it more easy.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 24, 2006, at 20:11:12
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » Dinah, posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 20:07:17
((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))
I hope something in your life gets easier soon.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 20:13:01
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » Dinah, posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 20:07:17
Thanks Orchid. I try.
It jsut feels so physical, you know? And I have to remind myself it's not.
I also have to keep reminding myself that I'm not doing *nothing* but sleeping. It's just that I really can't recall it too much, or like it's happens to someone else.
I don't think I'd need happy right now. I think I'd settle for getting through the day awake. Because sleeping so much makes my days so choppy and discontinuous.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 20:15:55
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by TherapyGirl on April 24, 2006, at 20:11:12
Thank you. I appreciate it.
The thing is that things aren't really so bad for me, if you look at it. I'm so fortunate in comparison to so so many other people.
Even in comparison with a month ago things are getting better. My therapist is moving home. He says that by June we can go back to twice a week therapy.
It is even looking less likely that we'll have to move the more we find out. I just haven't decided how I feel about that.
Posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 20:21:42
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » orchid, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 20:13:01
I think mental stress does manifest itself in physical tiredness and exhaustion.
When I am more stressed, my rheumatoid arthritis flares up, and I sleep 14 hours a day, and am constantly tired and feel like doing nothing.
And I remember you have diabetes, and IBS and OCD also. And it is the combination of everything that is making you so tired - it is just not your imagination - you really are tired bodily. Allow yourself plenty of rest, and that will really help. Couple of years back all I used to do in my spare time was to sleep. And sleeping helps take your mind away from the stress, so it is really a good thing also. Just sleep as much as you want, and when you really have to get some work done, do play some music on the side - that really helps me distract myself and I get the work done - even those I hate. And keep expectations of yourself to a minimum for the next few months till you settle down into a fully established routine.
Posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 21:17:53
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » Dinah, posted by orchid on April 24, 2006, at 20:21:42
Emotional stress can lead to physical exhaustion. Having all of that chaos and upheaval in your head is bound to be exhausting. Sleep as much as you feel you can.
Work in the mornings then rest.
I have had several dogs in my life and the funny thing is, they've never once been upset about NOT being brushed.
Just rest.
Maddie.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 21:36:53
In reply to Dinah, I think Orchid is right, posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 21:17:53
Well, they're Maltese. :)
They might not mind now, but they'll mind later.
I have a somewhat incoherent idea of what's going on, but it's kind of bizarre.
I think I might be so conflicted internally that it's almost literally paralyzing me. Putting me to sleep and disrupting the train of consciousness so deeply that I am having trouble connecting one moment to another, or putting together emotional meanings with rational ones.
But that may just be confused mutterings.
Posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 21:38:22
In reply to Dinah, I think Orchid is right, posted by madeline on April 24, 2006, at 21:17:53
I think everyone said all I can say. You are tired, you need to rest, no matter what the reason. I am sure part could be to depression, but have you been to your regular doctor for blood tests and a regular checkup? There are lots of other reasons for feeling tired that don't have anything to do with stress.
I think if I had to deal with as much as you have over the past year, I would pull a blanket over my head and not come out for a long time. It least that is what I would feel like doing.
I think I feel like I am better but then this week I feel like I want to quit everything. I am like why should I practice my trumpet, it isn't fun anymore and I am not getting much out of it compaired to what I am putting in to it. Maybe it is just a fleeting thought, who knows.
As far as dogs go, I have a Keeshond, and they should be brushed a couple of times a week, and lets just say it has been months. My poor animals, all they want is some attention and all I want is to hide under the covers. The thing about dogs, is that they seem to love us no matter what, so I am sure your dog is happy just to be near you. Mine is he is like my shadow, it drives me crazy, like another kid.
I think things will get back to normal soon with your T . I am hoping the best for you. ((((Dinah))))
Posted by Karolina on April 24, 2006, at 21:55:08
In reply to I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
Hi Dinah,
I know that's a bad, crappy feeling to have. My day has been like that today. All I've done is sleep or try to sit up and watch TV, but it was as if I couldn't even concentrate on whatever was on. And I didn't even feel like returning my friends' calls, it was like I just didn't have the energy to make conversation. When I was in NYC, the place where I worked was pretty easy to get to from my apartment. But it was like as soon as I got to work, before my day even really started, I was exhausted and wanted to collapse.
Since I've been home, I've gotten a physical exam to rule out any other problems aside from my depression and found out that I actually had a phyical problem, which was partly responsible for the exhaustion. Do you think maybe your exhaustion could be from another source besides depression? It's just a thought.
But on days when most of my pain is most definitely mental, my T tells me to just take small steps, that if I can accomplish just one thing in a day, even if it's getting out of bed and walking into another room, or walking outside in my yard - it's doing 'something.' I tend to just lay in my bed for hours dwelling on stuff in my past and it's like I can't move, so it's really hard sometimes to just make myself even get up. But I think the key to that is for people to not pressure themselves. To make small, reasonable goals.
I don't know if what I said really helps, but just wanted to say I understand that feeling and that I hope you feel better soon.
-Karolina-
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:07:49
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by Karolina on April 24, 2006, at 21:55:08
Thanks Karolina.
Heaven only knows that I don't take good enough care of my diabetes. And I was distressed to get back my lab results today to find that my ALT and AST are elevated. They generally are (fatty liver) but 88 ALT is high even for me.
So it could be partly physical.
But I think it's mostly mental.
I just got off a week's vacation. I think sooner or later someone's going to notice I'm not working. :)
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:10:56
In reply to Re: Dinah, I think Orchid is right, posted by happyflower on April 24, 2006, at 21:38:22
Keeshonds are beautiful. I've ruled out anything too big to easily carry unless I suddenly regain my youthful vigor, but I've always wanted one.
I really admire you Happyflower. Going to the gym, taking part in a race. I think that's terrific.
I guess I'd better go figure out if I've already taken tonight's pills. :(
Posted by fallsfall on April 24, 2006, at 22:15:06
In reply to I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
When I am so tired it is because I want to escape from life. If I am sleeping then I don't have to be conscious.
I don't have anything to suggest. You are in quite a bit of upheaval. Maybe if you can settle down any one piece of your life, it would help. Even if it is just deciding that you will do laundry on the same day each week (having my dryer die was really a blessing. Now I do laundry every Thursday because I take my daughter's and my clothes to the laundrymat to dry them, so I do it all at once for the week. I actually have clean clothes now!). Find some stability somewhere and then build on that?
Some of the larger upheavals will take a little while to settle out (like son's school, hubby's work, your work etc. and therapy).
Try to accomplish stuff when you can, don't sleep if you just can't think of anything else to do - only sleep when you aren't capable of doing anything else. At least that helps me not get completely glued to my bed.
(((((Dinah)))))
And you don't have to brush the whole pack of dogs. Just do one part of one dog today. Or brush during commercials. Let's see. How many dogs do you have? 6? If you brush 1/4 of one dog each day, then they will all get fully brushed each month!
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:23:49
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by fallsfall on April 24, 2006, at 22:15:06
Only five now. And only two need regular brushing. A third is my son's responsibility.
I know I'm sleeping to escape. And that I may well be so lacking in energy because I really don't want to do anything. And I might be giving away my belongings because I'm angry. Or because I'm scared they'll be damaged if another hurricane comes.
I've got a whole scr*w you attitude towards the world that isn't really like me. Or maybe it really is like me but I've never acknowledged it. :)
I can come up with a host of reasons. But I can't stay awake long enough to evaluate them.
Posted by annierose on April 24, 2006, at 22:40:20
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:23:49
I'm so sorry you are having such a bad few years in a row. Life just isn't fair.
Everyone has their own little methods to help them get "life stuff" done. For me, doing the first errand/chore/whatever of the day is the hardest. But once I get started, I can start stringing more accomplishments together. And for that pile of permission slips, camp forms, thank you notes and the like, I finally sat down tonight and wrote them all out, stamped and ready to mail. I've been staring at this pile for over a month, but once I attacked that first item in the pile, the rest came easier.
I do hope that you can find joy again. Try to see it in your son's eyes. When I feel hopeless, my children are the ones who bring hope to me on a platter daily.
Posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:55:16
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:23:49
I think you are totally entitled to getting discouraged sometimes. Hiding under the covers for a day, or even two can be helpful. You've been through so much, your brain must be tired. Give yourself permission to rest -- fully rest. And then start again.
Are you eating correctly? It sure sounds to me like a bit of a physical funk too. Please check your sugars and drink lots of water.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by 64bowtie on April 25, 2006, at 2:05:01
In reply to I get so discouraged sometimes, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 19:57:44
> It seems like people get better and move on, and I don't really feel like I'm getting better. Yesterday something happened that made me feel like I'm regressing not progressing.
>
*******************
>
> I know I'm not doing as badly as I think I am.
>
> I dunno.
>
> I just want to sleep.
>
> Some times I want to do worse things than sleep. But mostly I just want to sleep.
>
>
><<< » Dinah » When you are ready to change, you can see yourself watching yourself being happy, joyous and free, even when its unlikely... When I complain about my situation, I grow 'TUNNEL-VISION'... If instead, I pull back and see myself watching myself being unwise, choosing a path other than wisdom, I quickly shift to seeing myself watching myself the last time I was happy, joyous and free, and I plot the strategy back to wisdom... I then take those steps necessary to return to that wise state of being, and voi-lah... Happiness, joyfulness, and freedom eventually reemerge... OhByTheWay, I never have to share the credit with any therapist or P-Doc... I do it all myself, and under my own watchful eye that I see watching me...
You are a pretty sturdy person, » Dinah » ... This isn't hocus-pocus or flimmity-flam... It is, however, ancient wisdom forgotten by toooo many folks for toooo long-a-time now... I sense your strength and wisdom... Sharing your success with any therapist seems to deminish your success somehow, don't ya' think??? Afterall, it is YOUR recovery...
avinstitute.net
Posted by fairywings on April 25, 2006, at 7:23:54
In reply to Re: I get so discouraged sometimes » Dinah, posted by Daisym on April 25, 2006, at 1:55:16
Hi dinah,
Seems you've had so much unheaval and uncertainty lately. All of that would have me feeling depressed and running for the covers. Do the best you can, get the rest you need.
Hope you feel better soon,
fw
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:06:24
In reply to Re: Dinah, I think Orchid is right » happyflower, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2006, at 22:10:56
> I really admire you Happyflower. Going to the gym, taking part in a race. I think that's terrific.Thanks Dinah, that is sweet of you to say. Just remember I am just trying to fill up the huge void in my life from my marriage. I told my T I was tired of him saying how good I am doing because I am not. Well he knows, but he said that the stuff I am doing is still good but it won't cover the hole, itis too big of a gap.
I met this delightful lady at the gym. She is like 67, and she asked me one day if I would walk a couple of laps around the track with her because I look like I am so motivated, and she wanted some of that to rub off on her.
Well after talking to her for a month now, she has diabetes, shots and all. Well I know when she gets tired, she just sleeps, anywhere!She deceided to join me in yoga class and when we were doing the relaxation part at the end, she fell asleep! She is like no I didn't . I said well do you snore while you are awake? LOL She said no, I told her you were sleeping! It was funny, but she told me she easily falls asleep, even at the dentist getting her teeth cleaned. LOL
So Dinah, get your butt to the doctors to rule out anything else. But you know stress make me want to sleep. It is the best thing for it! ((((Dinah)))) When do you see your T next?
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:05:43
In reply to Re: Dinah, I think Orchid is right, posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 8:06:24
I go to the internist every three months, or at least I did with my old one. Not sure about the new one. But I do know I'm supposed to be tested again six weeks from my last test because they put me on a new med, and the ALT and AST numbers were circled with the retest instructions next to them, so that may be it too.
Daisy, I'm glad you mentioned water. The weather is unseasonably warm, even for here, and I might not be drinking enough.
The body affects the mind and the mind affects the body and it's hard to sort it all out.
I do want to retract what I said about not caring. The fates might be listening, and of course I care.
My therapist wanted to see me today before he heads out of town tomorrow, and I'm hoping either I can drive to him or he'll be in town shortly after he gets back. I desparately need a connection right now. Something to hold onto...
Thanks everyone.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 9:22:33
In reply to Re: Dinah, I think Orchid is right, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:05:43
Ohhh, I hope you get in to see your T !!!! Let us know how it goes. I will be thinking of you!
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:47:00
In reply to Re: » Dinah » When you are ready......., posted by 64bowtie on April 25, 2006, at 2:05:01
I am sure you didn't mean it this way, but I felt an overwhelming desire to go back to bed when I read your post.
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:57:57
In reply to Re: » 64bowtie, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:47:00
or put more energy into trying to rebuild our relationship. Of course, he is who he is to me for the very reason that he's so laid back.
But I am afraid that one way or another I'm going to lose something that was once so important to me, and that I want to be important to me again. And that he isn't going to try to help me with that at all.
I hate to talk about this on board, because it seems to make people uncomfortable.
But my rational side wants to move. All sorts of good reasons. Good rational reasons.
And my emotional side worries about my son being uprooted at about the same age I had my first whateveryouwanttocallit and desparately doesn't want him to have one of those ruin the rest of his life like it did mine. And perhaps even more, my emotional side doesn't want to lose this person who is so very important to me. Or who was so important to me and who I hope to someday be important to me again. My emotional side thinks that life really wouldn't be worth living without him.
And hardest of all to recognize is that there might be an angry nihilist living within. I'm a bit scared to talk about that because it doesn't fit in with my view of myself. But I think it's exerting a strong pull on me right now.
I just wish I could get my therapist to dynamically help me with this. But it's like trying to light a rock on fire.
Posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 13:52:42
In reply to I wish my therapist would fight more, posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 9:57:57
I think it is good for you to talk about this, I think a lot of feel some something simular, maybe not as intense, because you have been with your T a lot longer than most of us have.
I get the anger part. You need your T to be your T , the old one, not the new one. But then if you get what you ask for, then there is also pain of maybe losing that again. Which losing is so hard,especially if you get what you want again and lose it again, and maybe it feels worse than you feel now. I don't think I am making much sense, but I think I get it.
I know I am a little angry at my T and at myself for falling for such a connection, and now it might be ripped away some day because the relationship isn't personal, it's professional.Please write about this, Dinah, because it is helping me, and I bet it is helping a lot of people too. It is a hard topic to discuss, but sometimes you have to talk about the difficult stuff. ((((((Dinah))))
Posted by Dinah on April 25, 2006, at 14:24:52
In reply to Re: I wish my therapist would fight more » Dinah, posted by happyflower on April 25, 2006, at 13:52:42
I'm gonna beg today.
Do you think begging will help?
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