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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 13:04:38
My T has made it perfectly clear we can't have a social relationship no matter how he feels or I feel about it.
It just hurts to have such a strong connetion to someone and yet I can't have relationship with him after therapy. I want to tell him to stop sharing so much about himself because it makes me think about what I am going to miss, makes me want to know more, makes me want to ask him some of the stuff when I see him in the public. \
I hate the rules, I just want to stomp my feet and have a tantrum.
Posted by B2chica on April 10, 2006, at 13:27:34
In reply to I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 13:04:38
(((((happyflower))))))
it hurts. i'm sorry.
it's such a unique relationship. you have to find just the right person- usually someone you would be friends with outside therapy, then you share your deepest most intimite thoughts and secrets-which draws you closer. then, just as you get to feeling strong and good and could have a really good relationship with someone, that someone says, ok, we're done.
i hate the rules too. basically you have to find someone you can have a long term relationship with, but then the rules say, when you're done, you're done.
it's like some twisted dating service that says come here and meet your perfect match, you can date but you can never get married or live together!i know it's not something you can probably hear right now but kind of rework your mind a bit and cherish what you do have. try not to think too much more past the moment. i know we're not wired that way. but it's depressing if we think about what we can't have, and what we are loosing. it hurts way too much.
i'm sorry it hurts so much.
Posted by LadyBug on April 10, 2006, at 14:57:40
In reply to I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 13:04:38
I know what you're feeling exactly. I want to go to my T's house and chat with her. Or go to lunch or something. But the rules say, "no"? It hurts so much. Maybe that's one reason I stay with her, I don't want to ever say goodbye, it would hurt too much. Any chance of you staying longer? I've been with mine for 9 years. She tells me not to worry about quitting and someday I will get to the point that I will know that it's time? But I love her too much not to see her again. She has reassured me that I can go see her again if the need should arise. Even if she is reitred, she said I could give her a call. I hope she means it. I've settled with having her in the therapist/patient setting, not my choice of course, but it's the way it is. She says if it hurts to think about leaving, then I'm not ready. I won't ever be ready. She is my soft place to land. If my marriage were better, I probably wouldn't feel I need her like I do. She makes me feel good about who I am, otherwise I don't. And my goal is to feel good about who I am all the time. It's so hard.
I'm so sorry, talk to him about how you feel hurt by this and see if you can work something through that feels reasonable.
Hugs and understanding
Ladybug
Posted by SixSecrets on April 10, 2006, at 15:02:34
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by B2chica on April 10, 2006, at 13:27:34
I would never consider being "friends" with my Psychologist. He is being paid for a service, and that service is to straighten out my head (if that is possible). I have told him my inner-most secrets, and feel comfortable with him, but having a relationship outside of his office is just stupid. Having him as a "social" friend would be a constant reminder of just how messed up I am or was and who needs that? I think it is a really bad idea to cross the line from a "professional" relationship to an "unprofessional" one. One has to realize that one's therpist is being "paid" to be your friend during the sessional time and that is that.
Posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 15:12:46
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by SixSecrets on April 10, 2006, at 15:02:34
Posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 15:20:35
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too. » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on April 10, 2006, at 14:57:40
It hurts so much. Maybe that's one reason I stay with her, I don't want to ever say goodbye, it would hurt too much. Any chance of you staying longer?
I feel this way too, and even though he told me he will let me deceide when I don't need him any longer for therapy, he says he trust me that I will let him know when it is time. But I also knows he thinks it is unethical to get paid just to talk to me if I am doing fine and he isn't no longer helping me. I hope I get the point of no longer needing him, maybe it won't hurt so much as it does thinking I have to leave him. I think you are right I need to talk about this with him. He knows I feel a special bond with him, and he has told me he would like to have a social relationship if we were in different circumstances, but ethically we can't. But it doesn't mean the feeling are there on both ends. It just sad. :(
Posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 15:28:33
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by B2chica on April 10, 2006, at 13:27:34
Yeah, you do understand B2 exactly how I feel. I am trying to cherish what we do have. It is truely special I think, nothing I have ever felt with anyone. Thinking of him usually brings a smile to my face, but then when I think of not being able to talk to him again, just brings me to tears.
I think I need to tell him that his disclosures, feel good, because I want to know him and be close to him, but it also is hurting me because I want what I can't have. So I don't want it in the therapy session either. I just know too much, he went to a James Taylor concert on Sat. and when I see him at the gym, I just want to ask so how was the concert, but I am not allowed to. (too social). but I can ask so how was your run after he is done, it is so hard, ya know. We can talk about gym stuff, I guess.
Posted by SixSecrets on April 10, 2006, at 19:33:42
In reply to Ouch (nm) » SixSecrets, posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 15:12:46
I did not mean to hurt your feelings or anything...really. I was just expressing my point of view. I do apologize if I caused you any sort of angst. That was not my intention. Perhaps I should not be so direct in here.
Posted by canadagirl on April 10, 2006, at 20:23:49
In reply to I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 13:04:38
Ooooh I feel your pain...Oh my. I would probably be in tears. And I don't even have a T yet! I'm "T shopping"...and all of this kinda scares me off! LOL
Posted by madeline on April 10, 2006, at 21:28:27
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by SixSecrets on April 10, 2006, at 15:02:34
Six,
I thought your message was rather pointed and it made me feel quite bad.For some people the connection they feel with their therapist is the first time they have really connected with someone either in their life or for a long, long time.
Perhaps that's pathetic, I don't know, but we all have different backgrounds.
I, like happyflower, grieve the loss of never really knowing my T outside of therapy and that pain is very acute and real.
For you to have called it stupid is very hurtful to me and made me feel really stupid myself.
Posted by joslynn on April 11, 2006, at 12:36:41
In reply to I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by happyflower on April 10, 2006, at 13:04:38
Actually, I do think you do have the right to tell him to stop sharing so much about himself. I had to ask a T figure to stop the self-disclosure. I think it gives a mixed message. Once I brought it up, it stopped.
Posted by joslynn on April 11, 2006, at 12:41:23
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too., posted by SixSecrets on April 10, 2006, at 15:02:34
well, yes you are right that they are being paid, but I don't think that means they have no feelings of caring. Teachers are paid, yet the teachers I know really care about their students, at least the special ones who stand out. Nurses care about their patients, etc. I think you can be a paid professional but also have feelings of caring for someone you are being paid to help.
Posted by fairywings on April 12, 2006, at 0:18:12
In reply to Re: I feel so hurt and sad and mad too. » SixSecrets, posted by madeline on April 10, 2006, at 21:28:27
Yep, yep, yep, I couldn't agree more with what you've said.... feeling grief over this. It's hard to open up to T's sometimes, and then it feels so good when we finally can - like you said, feel that connection. It's like something inside is being opened up that no one else can seem to access, or we won't let them access, but here's this person who is okay with who we are, just the way we are, and that feels really good.
I feel like I'm getting something I can't seem to get anywhere else, from anyone else, and a lot of times I feel so safe and cared about, but other times I wonder if I'm just a "file folder", and then I feel the grief.
fw
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