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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to say about my experience. What leaps to mind is "it wasn't that bad and I will go back." I'm not sure what I was expecting. The other women are very nice...I'm the oldest, but I think not by much from one. One is probably 20 years younger. The therapist is a woman who likes the phrase, "what I hear you saying is..." but she is nice too. Everyone introduced themselves and unfortunately the first person who went did the AA thing: "HI, I'm X and I was molested by my dad..." ick. I didn't expect that. And everyone followed her example. The therapist had asked us to introduce ourselves and tell what we hoped we would get out of the group and how it had been so far. They've been meeting for 6 weeks. I'm the 4th to join and she will take up to 2 more before it is full. So they have formed bonds, but not too tightly yet. I didn't introduce myself that way, but I said that I wanted to hear other experiences especially women's. Then everyone did a check in from the week before and launched on a topic. Somehow the topic went to trust and having positive or negative male and/or female images. No one trusts men and the woman sitting next to me wondered how anyone could work with a male therapist. So I had to admit I have one and I felt like I needed to defend him, and my sons for that matter. I don't think of them as predators or dangerous. But I also said I didn't really trust either men or women; I trust myself. There was a lot of head nodding.
One of the women during check in said she felt young all week, like 5ish. The therapist wanted to come back to that - and the group sort of moaned about being "hot seated." I panicked (quietly inside) -- I don't hot seat well. But I did manage to ask if the group had talked about feeling young, I was really curious about this. The therapist said yes, the group said no. I found this very interesting. At the end, the therapist asked everyone how it was to have a new person and I wanted to crawl under the seat. Almost everyone said, "it was fine but I was nervous" and one person said she could tell I was really nervous all evening. (you think?!) I admitted that it was hard for me to be there because just by walking through the door I was willingly putting on the label "survivor." And for so long I didn't want any of the csa stuff to be a part of who I am. It was just something that happened. There was lots of head nodding about this too.
I spent a great deal of the session on the ceiling, spaced out. I noticed what books were in the bookshelf, I noticed that the room got smaller and smaller and hotter and hotter. I gripped the talisman so hard I was afraid I crushed the stone inside. And when I left I was shaky, sick to my stomach and numb. I couldn't figure it out for a while but then I realized that it was the same feeling I had when I first told my therapist. It is pure fear of breaking the rules about telling anyone. I was scared to death about the consequences.
I carried that fear into therapy on Thursday. At first I didn't want to talk about the group, and then I told him some of the details. And I got pretty upset with him for not going with me. He said, "But I was there, couldn't you feel me?" All I could do was nod through the tears. Everytime he tried to reassure me about the fear I flooded out again in tears and floated out the window. I was just petrified that I was in trouble for telling. He kept saying it was an old fear and he wouldn't let anything hurt me. I tried to hear him, but I felt so young. *sigh*
Anyway...it has taken a few days but I feel better. I hope I don't have a melt down every Thursday. It takes a lot out of a person. And please don't tell me I was brave. I felt anything but. I'm still not completely sure why I'm doing this. I have appreciated all your support a great deal. In some ways I have done group before -- Babble!
Hugs all around,
Daisy
Posted by annierose on March 19, 2006, at 7:36:55
In reply to About Group Therapy -- long, mildy triggery, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
Thank you for sharing this experience and answering all of my questions. The group will learn a great deal from you, and I hope you will feel supported by them as well.
Posted by fallsfall on March 19, 2006, at 9:23:28
In reply to About Group Therapy -- long, mildy triggery, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
Good. One day at a time. And don't forget to breathe.
(((((Daisy))))))
Posted by Dinah on March 19, 2006, at 9:28:59
In reply to About Group Therapy -- long, mildy triggery, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
I'm glad it wasn't all that bad and that you feel free to go back.
((((Daisy))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 19, 2006, at 11:54:53
In reply to About Group Therapy -- long, mildy triggery, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
Okay, I won't use the "b" word, but Daisy, I'm so impressed with how you handled this. The thing about fear, I think, is to acknowledge it and, for the most part, do whatever it is you fear anyway. And you did that. So congratulations.
And thank you, again, for continuing to share yourself with us so movingly.
Posted by pegasus on March 20, 2006, at 9:07:39
In reply to About Group Therapy -- long, mildy triggery, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
That's great that you went and lasted, even though things didn't go perfectly. And that you're planning to go back. It sounds like the session went pretty well anyway. I'm glad you didn't introduce yourself like they did. It's great to make the situation into something helpful for you, and not just succumb to the group form because it's there. Being in the group will get easier as you get to know the other members, I promise.
peg
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