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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
Last night i went to see my T for the last time. i knew that i couldn't ever go again- T was so unaccepting of me. Holding to how wrong i was the last session.
The last session i was crying, like i do all the time while T sits and shuffles papers saying nothing. i was also talking about how my body has all these scars because of a surgery that was totally unneccesary. i had gyn pain and major surgery was done to remove anything that could be the cause of my constant severe pain. The pain was just as bad afterwards and i have these scars. One is a large lump from the laproscopy- on the front side of my abdomin. i have a good figure and it would show in a bathing suit. i have DID and the gyn dr there accused me of 'acting out' once when i had to pick up a prescription. i'm always at fault for doing something wrong . He knew that i was at fault when his receptionist had a negative attitude against me, treating me so badly because i swtitch when upset , have a psych dx. of DID.
i do have parts and struggle so much without co-consciousness/ no control over what parts do. No one ever makes any effort to understand how hard is to do anything. They treated me so terribly and now i have the true dx of the pain- that other surgery was absolutly unneccessary. i have this permanent large lump.
i was there in Ts office telling about the struggles and the scars and all the misunderstanding that there has been in so many dr's offices, trying to find the cause of my pain.
It's so discouraging to have a physical problem -like severe pain from pudendal nerve entrapment, and a psych dx., especially one like DID- where you can't have control all the time or remember.My T almost never openly took my side in it all and my psychiatrist thought it was body memories that caused the pain.
As i sat there crying in the session there was loud noise and laughing outside T's door. It kept on going on for at least ten minutes and T said he wouldn't even tell them to be quiet.
i have parts- before i knew what was happening i saw myself outside the door shouting at the cafeteria workers "Shut up. i can't even have therapy." and left. One of them said sarcastically "Well O.Kay, whatever!"
Crying alone all the way to the car and all the way home because T didn't care about me enough to stop them. How could i have therapy with that going on? T called once and i talked a sec. and he hung up on me. Then i called T - ""Why can't one person be on my side ever?"
T won't be on my side . tears. He doesn't want to. tears.So much is impossible- i feel so broken. T doesn't care - he was actually angry with me for shouting at those poor workers "Making a minimum wage, etc, " T stood up for everyone but me. i feel so unaccepted. It's so hard to live with parts and not be in control anyways, then to blame me for it? Also it was so wrong that T doesn't care about how hurt i was , he was the only person i talk to about the things that happen to me. It's ok with him for the body to have scars, that doctors say accusations that aren't accurate- just because i have DID.
i feel like i have nobody, i don't have anyone on my side . This was only one example of what happens at T's office the past six years- i can't connect with him, he's too critical of me, my parts. It's so hard to live this way.
i won't see T again. Last night after seeing T i was so upset that T still criticized my part for the shouting again- so much more is so painful , everything is so hard- we face another surgery- now for the right reason - but there's only maybe a 50 % chance pain will be better and there's o much pain everyday now. And there's parts that act without me, it's so scary i feel so helpless, hopeless and alone. After therapy i remeber crying in the car a long time and then i was so lost. Not like other people get lost- i couldn't remember where my house was. Everything kept changing and i thought about all the places i lived and really didn't know where i lived.
i lost it so badly- having to leave T for good after six years- the only T that i ever had since dx with DID. i called my psychiatrist frantically asking for another therapist. Today he called back "I can't refer you to anyone because the two referrals that i gave you , you made too many demands of, (you always ruin it)" (i wanted a number to call in emergencies because i have emergencies - not remembering where i live,etc when i'm upset)
He said- "I can give you names but not referrals."
Why doesn'tmy T and my dr understand how impossibly difficult that they make things for me- that there is no one on my side, that they blame me for part when i don't have control . It causes so much internal conflict- i hate my parts and how they act also.Why do i live?
tears, needing support,
kerria
Posted by muffled on March 9, 2006, at 23:05:03
In reply to Why do i live?, posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
Posted by James K on March 9, 2006, at 23:22:49
In reply to Why do i live?, posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
If you need to tell somebody to shut up, then they need to shut up. You, or somebody on your behalf, paid for that therapy. It belongs to you. They can't steal it. Screw them. they are lucky it wasn't me.
I'm so sorry you are hurting in so many ways. I hate it, but I feel good feelings toward you even though I don't know you yet.
I don't have parts, but I get lost sometimes. Please be careful, and post back.
james k
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:06:48
In reply to Why do i live?, posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
Kerria, it sounds to me like you need a psychiatrist and therapist who specialize in DID. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for how you find those people.
I'm sorry you're in such pain. (((((((((Kerria))))))))))
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:15:07
In reply to Re: Why do i live?, posted by TherapyGirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:06:48
Hi Kerria,
Wow, that sounds like just an awful string of experiences. I'm sorry you didn't get more (any?) validation from your T or pdoc.Here is a site where you can search by state or province for a T who specializes in treating dissociation. http://www.issd.org/
If you click on Find a Therapist on the left hand side, it gets you into that process. Looking up my state, I found the names of a couple of T's I know and respect. I hope you find someone who is just right for you.
Good luck. Sending you healing energy for your pain...
gg
Posted by kerria on March 11, 2006, at 8:36:15
In reply to Finding a T who specializes, posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:15:07
Thank you so much for the hugs, Muffled.
James K, thanks so much for identifying with me. It's so hard now- it feels like i'm in limbo, everything's so different because i don't have a T. The thing that hurts the most is that T didn't stand up for me . It's a long standing problem.
It hurts so much to have parts- there wasn't anything that i could do to stop it . i know that i'm responsible for my actions but all i did was shout. The cafeteria workers are fine today- my life is all apart.
Why can't T care about me? It hurts so much to have a part rejected by T. It's so hard to live when we don't have control- that's punishment in itself. i also side with my part too. I only have about twenty something more sessions this year covered by insurance and i'm not doing well at all. i had to lose an hour of that session. i feel so broken that T doesn't care about me after six years. i'm still in shock.
It's good to meet you, James K. i've read some of your posts and identify with you lots of times.Thank you so much, TherapyGirl. It's so hard to lose my therapist and my mind all at the same time. i wasn't doing well before this happened and now..things are so worse.
Thank you Gardenergirl. i called everyone in my area from that site. No one has the time and just about everyone that works with trauma knows my T.
is an 'expert'- specializes only in persons with DID . It's so hard to find another T for a lot of reasons. The Ts all know my T and assume that it's my fault right away. It's so hard to be a hard patient. I was shocked that my pdoc wasn't more understanding than he was. Sometimes he's shown understanding. i wish that he were there in any small way. It seemed like he said things to hurt me on purpose. Maybe because he wanted to make sure that i wouldn't try to get support from him now. Why are professionals so uncaring? What if it were them in all of this trouble?Why is he so angry with me that two therapists that he referred me three years ago to didn't work out? It's HARD to find a match when you have parts. i think that i tried so hard- driving so far, financially it was so hard. One of the Ts moved so far away that it would have been an hour away and she didn't even have much experience with trauma patients. She spent the first two sessions going over all her rules. i'm way too apart for that.
Why doesn't my pdoc understand?
It's because i can never explain my side of the story because i have parts.i hate my life. Not my family- i love my family so much . It's so painful to be like this and have no one understand or help- and sometimes always think the worst about me. i can't even defend myself most of the time.
i'm so tired of the struggling . i feel so done. i can't even call anyone now after about ten calls. Trying to go inpatient because i think i would be safer but afraid it will be a disaster- just looking at the way things are going now. So much internal conflict now and the pain problem is so hard also. What if they don't understand that in a hospital?
Thanks for being there, for understanding, i hope,
kerria
Posted by B2chica on March 13, 2006, at 9:23:48
In reply to Why do i live?, posted by kerria on March 9, 2006, at 22:32:55
This is the end of the thread.
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