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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on March 9, 2006, at 9:42:42
Anyone know what is happening to me? Sorry this is so long. This is what happened....
I have been playing the trumpet for 7 months now, after a 15 year break. I have been practicing 2 -3 hours everyday, got back most of what I had when I was in music school.
Well I play in this jazz band and concert band of our local university. The music is very hard and challenging but I practice it a lot. Well there is always an important part that I can't seem to get right no matter how much I practice it.
Well this week in our dress rehearsals for our concert, the director got very frusterated with me because I kept on messing up a part, he yelled at me. Well I was already feeling like crap because I knew I was messing up and as much as I tried, I just couldn't get it. When the director yelled at me, it just made me feel terrible. In fact my self esteem just plummeted. I couldn't concentrate and I certainly couldn't even play.
Well last night during our concert I finally got it right for the first time ever.Well what happened to me the last couple of days before the concert wasn't pretty. It was like I feel into this deep dark hole and I couldn't climb out. I knew I was being hard on myself, but I couldn't stop the despair and anxiety. I was crying all day, felt like crap, a bad musican, and totally worthless piece of crap.
Well this happend before on my very first concert this year too. The same thing, and I wanted to quit playing because of my frusteration with myself. So I just now realize there is a cycle here. Why do I let myself fall when I can't do things right even when I practice hard? Then when I get yelled at, it just puts me in a state of self hate.So today I was thinking, when did I feel like this before in my life. The only thing that comes to mind is when I was being abused by my mother. When I was being beaten and burned even when I was trying so hard to be a good kid, I still got abused. The feeling after the abuse is the same way I feel about myself when I fall into this self doubting hatred of myself for not being good enough no matter how hard I try.
I don't know if this is connected to that, maybe it is. Does anyone have any ideas? I see my T this Monday, and plan on talking about this.I feel better today, I am totally relieved it is all over. I have another concert on Sunday, but I feel confident about that. I worked out hard today at the gym and it felt good to get all that tension out of my body. So now I am just thinking about this cycle and why does playing the trumpet seem to trigger it.
I do know that I got frustereated a long time ago when I was playing. There is a lot of female discrimation going on in bands with women trumpet players. I had to fight that contently plus being a lot younger than most of the band members didn't help it at all. Sorry this got so long, I hope you can all help me sort this out. Any ideas on what is going on with me? Thanks! :-)
Posted by muffled on March 9, 2006, at 11:06:32
In reply to Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger, posted by happyflower on March 9, 2006, at 9:42:42
Hey Happy, sorry you fell in hole ((((((Happyflower))))), but I glad you out again. :-)
You are one amazing person thats for sure.
Glad your concert went good.
Glad you're paving the way for other women musicians.
Your a cool person Happy.
Take care,
Try not to fall in the hole.
Mufffled
Posted by B2chica on March 9, 2006, at 13:03:10
In reply to Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger, posted by happyflower on March 9, 2006, at 9:42:42
it seems like this brought about a whole lot of memories that triggered these emotions.
first of all congrats on the concert.the time leading up to a performance is quite strenuous and stress triggers emotions.
also, i think the practicing brought out emotion memories. you have some serious abuse memories that are floating about out there. i think it would really help you if you don't push them aside but ride them out. realize them and think them through. thoughts/memories cannot..(say it with m e) WILL NOT harm me.
they are there. notice them, realize them, talk about them.so sorry you fell in that hole, but i'm here with a rope and ladder. take it slow and you will be fine.
Posted by daisym on March 9, 2006, at 20:07:42
In reply to Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger, posted by happyflower on March 9, 2006, at 9:42:42
I think you said it yourself -- you try very hard and trying isn't enough...getting yelled at is unpleasant for most people. But when your past includes things like abuse, yelling is the first step towards hitting and other nasty stuff. Of course you were triggered. Who wouldn't be?
I think you did a tremendous job of sticking with it and getting through the concert. Even if you hadn't played perfectly, your courage at trying should be applauded. I think I would have bolted and never gone back.
My son's therapist is constantly reminding me that the goal isn't that M doesn't have anxiety. It is that he feels it, and keeps going anyway. Which is exactly what you did. You can see where it came from and that you can get through it. Now, hopefully, you won't go down so low each time and, hopefully, each time will be shorter and shorter.
I hope your therapist helps you feel better on Monday.
hugs
daisy
Posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 12:53:25
In reply to Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger, posted by happyflower on March 9, 2006, at 9:42:42
(((HF)))
I'm glad your concert went well. Who's yelling at you - the director? Do you think your T would recommned EMDR for this?
It's good you had success and you're feeling better about the next concert, you're working so hard please don't give up.
fw
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:23:22
In reply to Re: Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger » happyflower, posted by muffled on March 9, 2006, at 11:06:32
Hey, Muffy!!!!! It is nice to hear from you !!!!I miss you and your threads!!!! You made me smile today, I will try my best not to fall into one of those holes , okay. You try too.
Go women trumpet players, lets blow our horns, !!!!!!!!!
LOL
I think you are cool too and little muffy is such a stinker, but I love her too, it reminds me of myself nowdays. :-)
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:27:04
In reply to Re: Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse tri, posted by B2chica on March 9, 2006, at 13:03:10
Thanks for the rope, I needed that B2. I think you are so right about how the concert anxieties and when the director yelled at me, it triggered memories of my mother.
This has been a cycle for me becaue it happened at the first concert too.
I get to see my T this Monday, It sound be a good one I think. I bet he will want to do EMDR on me. It should be good for that. Thanks for your support B2!!! How are you doing lately?
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:32:32
In reply to Re: Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger » happyflower, posted by daisym on March 9, 2006, at 20:07:42
> I think you said it yourself -- you try very hard and trying isn't enough...getting yelled at is unpleasant for most people. But when your past includes things like abuse, yelling is the first step towards hitting and other nasty stuff. Of course you were triggered. Who wouldn't be?
Wow, I like how you said it better. Remember that poem I wrote on the babble writing board called Scared to Feel the Pain? That is exaclty how I felt the next day after the director yelled at me. I wish I could get over all of those nasty feelings.
>
> I think you did a tremendous job of sticking with it and getting through the concert. Even if you hadn't played perfectly, your courage at trying should be applauded. I think I would have bolted and never gone back.You know my trumpet teacher told me the exact same thing tonight. LOL I wanted to quit, and did even after the concert, but I changed me mind, I am going to keep playing. I think once I get rid of those tiggering memories probably with EMDR, I will be able to handle critisms better. At least I hope so.
> My son's therapist is constantly reminding me that the goal isn't that M doesn't have anxiety. It is that he feels it, and keeps going anyway. Which is exactly what you did. You can see where it came from and that you can get through it. Now, hopefully, you won't go down so low each time and, hopefully, each time will be shorter and shorter.
I think your son's T is right on target about this. Thanks for sharing.
>
> I hope your therapist helps you feel better on Monday.
> hugs
Thanks for your support and hugs, it means a lot. I think my session will be a good one on Monday but hard for me.
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:34:23
In reply to Re: Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger » happyflower, posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 12:53:25
Thanks Fairywings,
I think my T will want to do EMDR, it would be a perfect fit I think even though it still kinda of scares me.
The concert on Sunday will be better, I am much more confident about it. Thanks for your support.
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:57:53
In reply to Re: Why do I fall into a dark hole? childabuse trigger » fairywings, posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:34:23
This is the end of the thread.
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