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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on February 13, 2006, at 20:22:05
I'm having such a bad day, which I won't go into, but I can feel myself kinda holding back, pretending to be functional, and having this background buzz of falling entirely to pieces. I can feel the tears behind my eyes, and they have come out now and again today, but mostly, I kinda feel as though I'm trying to hide from myself. Does that make any sense? Nope, not a lick of it.
Here's the thing -- despite the acknowledged fact that I cry at Victorian costumes, I get into a sort of forced functionalism (for lack of a better way to describe it) usually right on the verge of crashing badly. That's my fear -- and I think it's a real one, too. This is how I feel right before breaking down totally, and I don't know what to do about it. I know, talk to my T, and I will, but in the meantime, I feel as though I need somehow to vent the pressure. And the pressure is *intense* right now. So much so, it's hard for me to talk. (uh-oh, another sign I'm getting quite depressed) And I don't know how to let out little sips of pressure -- I need the emotional Tupperware burping lid, I guess.
I don't want this to happen, I am sick to death of feeling so rotten. On the way home today, I found myself just wondering if I'd regret being killed in a car accident. Not planning anything like that, but thinking about whether I really wanted all this to end. Wondering if I'd have a regret at the last minute. And truly not wanting to go through another day of all this.
Gee, I guess, while writing this, I've answered my original question pretty well -- I'm becoming dangerously depressed again. Guess that also answers whether or not Wellbutrin is doing much for me...
Posted by muffled on February 13, 2006, at 22:53:12
In reply to What is wrong with me? (Like I don't know...), posted by Racer on February 13, 2006, at 20:22:05
Yeah, being on autopilot is freaky.
Glad your figgering things out.
Take care racer.
Muffled
Posted by Daisym on February 14, 2006, at 0:28:25
In reply to What is wrong with me? (Like I don't know...), posted by Racer on February 13, 2006, at 20:22:05
I think I really like and want to borrow that term: emotional tupperware with a burp lid. I think that is essentially what therapy is - a container that holds us when we aren't there and the burp happens during sessions. Can I share this with my therapist, please? He will love it.
I think you MUST let off steam. Writing hard and fast helps me, watching movies that make me cry, even if I'm crying for the wrong reason, and of course, losing myself in a book. OR four. I bake too.
Antigua suggests hitting stuff with a rubber bat. (Not your husband or neighbor, unfortunately.)Annie meditates. GG gets Starbucks. Falls does yoga and walks the dogs. I think Happy Flower works out really hard. I've heard other people do primal screaming and praying. I've even seen things about having an orgasm. I'm sure there are lots of other things I'm missing. My point is, selecting something, anything and giving yourself permission to "lose it" doing this thing is important. Just try hard not to hurt yourself.
I think I know exactly what you meant by forced functionalism while being aware that the edges are blurring and you are imploding. Isn't that an old coping mechanism? Instead of saying, "hey, I need help over here!" we crawl inside ourselves and look more and more competent until we explode. And everyone around us says, "gee, she was doing so much better..." And we ask ourselves how they missed it...didn't they see that milimeter of a tear that popped up last week?
Wanting to drive into tree is scary. I've been there. I wish I could take away your hurt. All I can say is that you are entitled to your pain and like any healing process, cleaning out those wounds makes things hurt worse before they heal. How many times have you shared the gross puss infection analogy with me? I'll remind you that you are right, and it applies to you too.
Can we look at all the variables of things that might be contributing that you do have control over? Are you sleeping enough? Too much? Are you eating nutrious stuff, especially enough protein? It doesn't sound like you are taking enough wellbutrin -- and I know you hate him-- but you need to call pdoc if you are in the black hole again.
I'm glad you know you need to talk to your therapist. Perhaps you pushing yourself too hard and are emotionally flooding. The other thing is to look at significant dates...is there an anniversary trigger in here anywhere?
Enough questions? I'm holding out my hand Racer. Take it and hang on. I've got so much to tell you when we finally meet. I have faith that you will get through this.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by James K on February 14, 2006, at 2:00:05
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? (Like I don't know...) » Racer, posted by Daisym on February 14, 2006, at 0:28:25
Daisym feels very right to me. RACER, I've failed to notice how hard you are doing right now. I'm sorry for that. Please take care of yourself. You are one that has helped me. All I can offer you is this. No matter how bad it is, it is better in a little while. I wish I could remember your whole story right now so I could say just the thing you need to hear, or deserve to hear. F*cking keep your chin up dammit. That's the best I can do. That's a quote from the song playing right now. " and all I can do is try my best for you." leatherface, off of the Mush album. english punk from 93 or so. I live by it.
James k
Posted by B2chica on February 14, 2006, at 9:40:30
In reply to What is wrong with me? (Like I don't know...), posted by Racer on February 13, 2006, at 20:22:05
even though it doesn't quite feel right, auto pilot is ok.
did you ever see the movie 'airplane' you know, slapstick comedy? well whenever i hear 'autopilot' i think of that movie cuz when they put the plane on autopilot a little blow up doll in a pilots outfit came up out of the co pilots chair...makes me laugh..i love stupid stuff like that.
i know it's hard but find something that makes you laugh right now. no matter how small a something it may be.i know where you're coming from with the accident. sometimes though you need to let thoughts run their course...don't act on them but let them pass through. question them...why an accident, how would it effect people, other drivers, do i want to die or do i want to hurt, is it because i hurt so bad inside that i deserve to hurt outside?? those are the kind of questions i ask myself when my mind goes there.
don't stuff them down, let them come in, but let them go on out once you look at them.
please take care.
(((((racer))))))
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on February 14, 2006, at 23:18:23
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? (Like I don't know...), posted by B2chica on February 14, 2006, at 9:40:30
I wish I knew something to say that would help racer. It sounds like you really need encouragement and understanding, and someone to just be there so you can vent all of this. Maybe someone to hold you while you cry. James was right, daisy always has good things to suggest, and great insight. Her idea about finding an outlet sounds good.Your analogy of emotional tupperware is brilliant. I hope you can let it all out and feel some relief.
fw
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