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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
I get stuck with about 90% of the stuff I want to do. I just can't bring myself to do it! This includes everything from brushing my teeth or mailing a package up to calling a sewer repairman. I just feel like I've got a ten-ton weight inside me. The harder I force myself, the heavier the weight gets.
I've psychoanalyzed these things inside out without success (at doing them). I've tried to mindfully accept or tolerate whatever bad feelings these actions might generate, but that's only marginally helpful.
My pdoc said it's OCD: I'm afraid of criticism and I need these actions to be super-super-perfect, which they're guaranteed not to be.
For years, I've said I'm just afraid of success, no matter how small.
Anyway, a couple days ago, I tried pre-emptively labeling an impossible task as a "Failure". I'd had to mail a package for the last 5 days and just couldn't bring myself to take the first step. I could lie there yelling at myself, "YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! JUST DO IT, YOU MORON!" No help.
Then I imagined, before I did it, that it was a failure. I imagined that even if I wrapped it perfectly and mailed it and it arrived in great condition and was well-received, it would still be a failure. And hey! All the tension over it went away. I DID IT, no problem. I even had the spontaneous thought, while doing it, "Eh, it doesn't have to be *perfect*."
Then I tried it on a constant struggle, brushing my teeth. I told myself, "Even if I brush each tooth individually, all the way around it, this will be a failure." Again, the tension and horrible struggle over brushing went away, and I just brushed them and that was that.
Sometimes helpful little "tricks" work a couple times and poop-out quickly. I wonder if this will.
Posted by Dinah on February 5, 2006, at 12:07:40
In reply to “failure” success, posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
:-)
I actually find a lot of success with that sort of approach.
I hope it sticks for you.
Posted by fairywings on February 5, 2006, at 17:35:37
In reply to “failure” success, posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
that's a really interesting approach i hope it continues to work for you. i find i sabotage myself a lot, get paralyzed, and feel i've failed at most things i find important.
fw
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 18:23:52
In reply to “failure” success, posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
lol. yeah it is an interesting approach. and it is interesting that it works for you :-)
i reckon go with what works.
maybe i should do that... i'm fairly avoidant. mostly... worried that things will go badly.
but...
they will go badly. they will.
hmm...
lets see if i can get it working for me ;-)
Posted by pseudoname on February 9, 2006, at 9:20:10
In reply to Re: “failure” success » pseudoname, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2006, at 12:07:40
> I actually find a lot of success with that sort of approach.
> I hope it sticks for you.Declaring something a "failure" before I try to do it has continued to work against simple tasks that seem impossible. There seems to be a narrow range where it works for me, though. It has to be a simple thing that I *want* to do but for unknown reasons just can't bring myself to start or finish.
I think the logic of it MAY be that when I was a kid, I was so often humiliated and rejected by family members when I thought I'd achieved something. My older brother would hit me, my dad would boil over with critism, my older sister would tell me to stop being so conceited, etc. For example, Dad was apoplectic about the cost of my music lessons. (We could well afford it, believe me.) I was shut out of all the developmental milestones my dad celebrated with my brother. Etc, etc.
This was such a consistent, long-term influence from a very early age. As I got into my teens, my dad developed dementia, which no one ever talked about until after he died. I felt all my successes in high school were a fraud and everything would crash to ruins as soon as my friends or teachers saw how cognitively impaired my dad was. I think that fear was so burned into me that it continues to this day.
So anything now that smacks of "success" – even something as little as taking out the trash – makes me terrified of the repercussions. But if what I'm about to do is sure to be a "failure", well, then there's no retribution to worry about.
Sounds crazy. It *is* crazy! But a problem like this can ruin a life...
Posted by LegWarmers on February 9, 2006, at 17:05:31
In reply to “failure” success, posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
> I get stuck with about 90% of the stuff I want to do. I just can't bring myself to do it! This includes everything from brushing my teeth or mailing a package up to calling a sewer repairman. I just feel like I've got a ten-ton weight inside me. The harder I force myself, the heavier the weight gets.
>
> I've psychoanalyzed these things inside out without success (at doing them). I've tried to mindfully accept or tolerate whatever bad feelings these actions might generate, but that's only marginally helpful.
>
> My pdoc said it's OCD: I'm afraid of criticism and I need these actions to be super-super-perfect, which they're guaranteed not to be.
>
> For years, I've said I'm just afraid of success, no matter how small.
>
> Anyway, a couple days ago, I tried pre-emptively labeling an impossible task as a "Failure". I'd had to mail a package for the last 5 days and just couldn't bring myself to take the first step. I could lie there yelling at myself, "YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! JUST DO IT, YOU MORON!" No help.
>
> Then I imagined, before I did it, that it was a failure. I imagined that even if I wrapped it perfectly and mailed it and it arrived in great condition and was well-received, it would still be a failure. And hey! All the tension over it went away. I DID IT, no problem. I even had the spontaneous thought, while doing it, "Eh, it doesn't have to be *perfect*."
>
> Then I tried it on a constant struggle, brushing my teeth. I told myself, "Even if I brush each tooth individually, all the way around it, this will be a failure." Again, the tension and horrible struggle over brushing went away, and I just brushed them and that was that.
>
> Sometimes helpful little "tricks" work a couple times and poop-out quickly. I wonder if this will.i do this too! I thought I lost this post! I couldnt find it after I first read it. Anyway I do this, although it stopped working for me recently. our minds our so weird, arent they?
Posted by LegWarmers on February 9, 2006, at 17:08:49
In reply to “failure” keeps working, posted by pseudoname on February 9, 2006, at 9:20:10
> Declaring something a "failure" before I try to do it has continued to work against simple tasks that seem impossible. There seems to be a narrow range where it works for me, though. It has to be a simple thing that I *want* to do but for unknown reasons just can't bring myself to start or finish.
>
> I think the logic of it MAY be that when I was a kid, I was so often humiliated and rejected by family members when I thought I'd achieved something. My older brother would hit me, my dad would boil over with critism, my older sister would tell me to stop being so conceited, etc. For example, Dad was apoplectic about the cost of my music lessons. (We could well afford it, believe me.) I was shut out of all the developmental milestones my dad celebrated with my brother. Etc, etc.
>
> This was such a consistent, long-term influence from a very early age. As I got into my teens, my dad developed dementia, which no one ever talked about until after he died. I felt all my successes in high school were a fraud and everything would crash to ruins as soon as my friends or teachers saw how cognitively impaired my dad was. I think that fear was so burned into me that it continues to this day.
>
> So anything now that smacks of "success" – even something as little as taking out the trash – makes me terrified of the repercussions. But if what I'm about to do is sure to be a "failure", well, then there's no retribution to worry about.
>That sounds awful Pseudoname, it definately sheds new light on things when we start to understnad *why* we are the way we are
> Sounds crazy. It *is* crazy! But a problem like this can ruin a life...
Its not crazy to me, Im similar with the way I do or dont do things. Oh and I understand about ruining your life with it! I hope it keeps working for you!
Posted by pseudoname on February 15, 2006, at 8:43:03
In reply to “failure” success, posted by pseudoname on February 5, 2006, at 2:34:58
Well, to my surprise, this technique is still working but not in all situations. I'm not sure what the criteria are. I have to be able to "feel" the failure in my chest, sorta, before trying to do the impossible task. I think the conscious part of my brain is tricking some terrified pre-conscious part of my brain. I just can't tell exactly when this trick will work. So far...
•Brushing my teeth at night
•getting ready to go out
•filling the air in my tires
•calling the clerk at city hall
•emailing a friend
•opening mail from my insurance company
•sprinkling salt on icy patches outside
•taking out ALL the trashI have envelopes from my insurance company that have gone YEARS without being opened. I've had items of stockpiled trash for years, too — not hoarding it (chuckle), I'm just terrified for no reason to bring it outside.
So I'm happy to have such a technique, as limited as it is.
This is the end of the thread.
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