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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 4:26:24
Hi Everyone.
Now i'm confused- i began therapy five-and-a-half years ago because i wasn't able to handle violence at home(things are better now) and tv, material at school, anywhere. i was having bad flashbacks and losing time. Basically i needed to cope with living.
After six months i was told i had DID, changed therapists to someone that treated that and not much has changed. i didn't get better really.
Every session i talk/cry about all the things that are wrong and aam not better for it. i have a T to call in emergencies and someone to talk about the dilemmas but nothing is changed except i'm aware of more of the problems and less surprised when they come up. i'm not any *better* i just realize the separations now.What do you have to do to be better, really changed, one with yourself and you don't do /say what you don't agree with anymore? And whose job is it? i can't make myself better. Isn't it T's job? i'm afraid that T gave up on helping me and therapy is just 'maintainence' or something but i'm not ever getting better:(
i want to ask T if he gave up but afraid to hear the answer.Thank you for ideas- please don't just say to get a new T
Thank you,
kerria
Posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 6:51:54
In reply to In therapy- whose job is it to get you better?, posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 4:26:24
I always thought it was my responsibility to get better. They should be good guides, and give you the right direction, but they cannot be in charge of you getting better.
It is like teaching a class. The teacher needs to be good, but each student picks up the subject differently according to their own interest/efforts and capacity.
Hang in there. I know with effort you can work it out.
Posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 10:02:51
In reply to Yours. But with good guidance by the therapist. » kerria, posted by orchid on November 14, 2005, at 6:51:54
thanks, Orchid. That's what i think also but i have no idea how to begin to work on issues that make me so disabled to live- it's too difficult to work on communication, journaling is too hard.
It feels like T has given up.
Example- i go to therapy and T asks me how we're doing. Parts answer and say how it's going for each of them . Then T (and i) know what's going on, if parts are open to talk to him but it ends there. So i know what i'm doing. Everyone knows where everyone is at but parts aren't able to communicate with each other in real time so it's so hard to get better- more able to cope. everything feels so out of control all the time. It's hard to do anything. It's hard to get to work until i arrive there. Inside is so unhappy and i don't know how to help. It feels like i waste a lot of time being distracted.i don't have any support in managing schedule- i'm on my own with everything and so many problems constantly come up because there are separate parts that live my life. Basically i live by distraction at best. At worst it's an upsetting nightmare- we're facing so many hard things because of the constant physical pain.
Things like the pain, nerve blocks, PT, surgery.
Everything is so difficult. i need to have the resources of a whole person to get through these things and i don't.Does anyone understand?
Posted by Dinah on November 14, 2005, at 10:45:33
In reply to In therapy- whose job is it to get you better?, posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 4:26:24
My therapist and I had this discussion yesterday, actually. I also sometimes think he has given up on improvement and just does supportive maintenance therapy. Or to be more specific, we were talking about the fact that I have gotten much better, but my improvement still relies on his being present in my life. And shouldn't real improvement mean getting stronger internally so that I don't need him?
I *think* what we agreed on is that improvement happens along the way even if the focus of our therapy is different than the focus of change driven therapy. (And that in my case anyway, it probably happens *because* it isn't change driven therapy since I dig my heels in.)
So....
I think that always it is the client's responsibility to change.
But that there are different paths to change, and some aren't as obvious as others.
And that as part of a client's responsibility to change is a responsibility to discuss these things with your therapist. To tell him or her that while you appreciate the support he or she provides, that you think you're ready for a bit more change orientation or symptom targetting. And ask him or her what that would look like.
Sometimes I think they'd be as happy to hear that as we are to say it.
It's never worked overly well for me, because gosh darn it, my therapist is probably right. When he starts to push, I push back, and not much gets accomplished. But when he is supportive and very subtly suggests, I'm more likely to respond positively.
Do you really think you haven't improved at all? Or have you not improved in the way you want to improve.
I've improved a whole lot, but I'd like to improve in not needing him so much, and being less vulnerable. So I might complain that I'm not getting better, when what I really mean is that I'm not getting better in that way.
Posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 12:36:35
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better? » kerria, posted by Dinah on November 14, 2005, at 10:45:33
i don't know if i've improved. The main crisis right now is that parts act out and do and say things that i don't agree with- getting me in all kinds of problems in my relationships, especially with h.
There's so much separation between parts- i don't feel that same or share memory with the part that goes to work. The effect this has in my day to day life is so difficult for me. It feels like i don't belong anywhere.i don't depend on T or miss him. It's not independence from T that i mean by getting better. It's ability to feel oneness and connection with my parts.
It's like that with me also- whenever T is pushing i pull back. i wish there were a way to get more connected and have more control over what i do. Also i feel so hurt and little most of the time, that i can't manage and everything is falling apart. Now i'm ok but can become so afraid, as a child on her own would be. i'm not able to think 'grown up.' It's so hard to be like this. How can i work on changing?
Thanks so much for reading and any input,
kerria
Posted by Dinah on November 14, 2005, at 12:50:54
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better?, posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 12:36:35
Communication between all parts of yourself would make life a lot easier, but if that isn't a reachable goal at the moment, how about damage minimization? Can your therapist help you convince all of your parts that certain behaviors aren't helpful to them (as well as not helpful to you). That's just a suggestion I threw out, but if you can think of ways that your therapist could be of use to you right now, can you talk to him about possible ways of going about it?
I guess in order to get him to help you in the way you need help, you probably have to identify specific goals and then ask him to help you achieve them.
I wish I had better advice for you. I guess I just figure that small steps that will concretely improve your quality of life might make you feel better overall.
But I could be completely wrong. So take it for what it's worth.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2005, at 14:30:41
In reply to Re: Yours. But with good guidance by the therapist., posted by kerria on November 14, 2005, at 10:02:51
In terms of an answer to your question...
What do you think?>What do you have to do to be better...
You said:
> It's not independence from T that i mean by getting better. It's ability to feel oneness and connection with my parts.
But then:
>it's too difficult to work on communication, journaling is too hard.
And you think it is supposed to be about...
> you don't do /say what you don't agree with anymore?
But then:
> Inside is so unhappy and i don't know how to help.
> Does anyone understand?
Yeah, I think I do...
Based on what you have said...
What you want is to get better where getting better means feeling 'one and connected' with your parts.
But then you think you need to stop saying things you don't agree with anymore.
But the result of that seems to be more internal unhappiness and division.
The way out?
I guess your t needs to help you make a decision...
You can keep trying to stop them saying what they need to say (with the result of more internal division)
Or you can try and accept what they have to say (with the result of less internal division)
But...
I have a feeling I've said this before...
Posted by kerria on November 15, 2005, at 13:38:38
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better? » kerria, posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2005, at 14:30:41
Thank you Alexandra for writing.
My parts wreck and really damage my relationships and make me look stupid. They are opposites and off the deep end. No one lives like that- they're not balanced. We balance out each other but one at a time they're terrible representatives of the human race.
You're right. i need to listen - maybe they wouldn't act so disruptive but it's so hard to do.
Like taking a test in Chinese, which i don't speak. i need someone to jumpstart communication. i'll ask T- but i'm afraid i'll be sorry.i can't change my life. we're too unstable and not able to go it alone now- especially now. It would be a worse mess.
Thank you for still talking to me. i know i'm a study in frustration for anyone who tries to help. It's really hard for me to get through the separations.
Thanks for being there,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 15, 2005, at 13:44:57
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better? » kerria, posted by Dinah on November 14, 2005, at 12:50:54
Thank you, Dinah, for writing.
My T does help with trying to explain to parts that the things they do are hurting the whole person. He actually talks to them and sometimes an agreement is made. i need to learn how not to be afraid to communicate. That would be a goal. It feels like i'm going nowhere with it and am so clueless. i wish there were a simple process.Thanks for being there,
kerria
Posted by muffled on November 15, 2005, at 15:08:23
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better? » Dinah, posted by kerria on November 15, 2005, at 13:44:57
Posted by alexandra_k on November 15, 2005, at 15:43:09
In reply to Re: In therapy- whose job is it to get you better? » alexandra_k, posted by kerria on November 15, 2005, at 13:38:38
> Thank you Alexandra for writing.
:-)
Thats okay.
Thanks for thanking me :-)
> My parts wreck and really damage my relationships and make me look stupid. They are opposites and off the deep end. No one lives like that- they're not balanced. We balance out each other but one at a time they're terrible representatives of the human race.((((Kerria)))))
It really can be hard.
And... I'm sorry things are so very hard for you.
> You're right. i need to listen - maybe they wouldn't act so disruptive but it's so hard to do.Yeah, it can be really very hard.
Especially... When they are extreme and fairly intense in their views.
And we think... Their views are horrible
Uncharitable
Wrong
Whatever.
And we just want them to shut up and go away :-(
But...
What they say is just what a 'part of you' thinks...
And...
You know 'better' in a sense...
You have more information...
And if they could incorporate some of what you think as well...
(If you can tell them a little about what you think and why you think it)
Their extremism and intensity might well lessen off...I think it is just about...
Listening to them respectfully
(The way we should try and be with other people)
And encouraging them to listen respectfully in return.
You are still allowed to disagree...
But maybe its about promoting the positive things...
Rather than being too constrained by the fear and disagreement.> i need someone to jumpstart communication.
Maybe...
> i can't change my life. we're too unstable and not able to go it alone now- especially now. It would be a worse mess.
Yeah. I never meant to suggest about doing it alone... I just think... That what you really need... Is someone to help you figure out how to do this. Because... I really do believe that you (and your parts) know what you all need to do to get better. It is just... About someone helping you figure out what is already known to you (if that makes sense). To empower you... Rather than to depower you...
> Thank you for still talking to me.Thats okay.
>i know i'm a study in frustration for anyone who tries to help. It's really hard for me to get through the separations.
Its okay.
I just think...
Maybe you need a little more credit with respect to the answers being within you...
Helping you access that...:-)
This is the end of the thread.
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