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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
I have been seeing this T since June, and we are working well together. She's older, has her batty mother running the front desk (which means you're not quite sure if you have an appointment when you *think* you have an appointment), and she cuts me no slack. She is who helped me confront my addiction and suggested I try an outpatient treatment programme. This was the best thing I've ever done for myself besides getting divorced from my first husband.
I think I am so used to my mum being so passive - OK, I mean she didn't give a poop one way or another - that having someone actually express an opinion about my actions and behaviours is quite alarming. I know that I am overly sensitive, and I'm working on that "take what you need and leave the rest" thinking, but I'm having a hard time filtering her words.
We don't argue. it's more like I listen to what she suggests (not agreeing with her), then go home and decide that I don't think she read me correctly or that she misinterpreted my words during a session. I have this great ambivalence about therapy. Not at all certain, given my past poor experiences, that any T I have worked with so far really knows what they are doing with me. I should add that my previous experiences with therapists have included 2 who decided to close their practices not long after I began therapy with them. This therapist appears to have health issues that worry me about her long term committment with me.
Should I work through this feeling and continue to try to make our relationship more clear? Should I cut and run? She is the only T to have helped me in such a concrete way so far, but I don't care for her style nor her personal beliefs. Not that she forces her beliefs (religious mostly) upon me, but I am used to a far more neutral person sitting across from me.
Any thoughts? Thanks...
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2005, at 7:46:33
In reply to I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
>I listen to what she suggests (not agreeing with her), then go home and decide that I don't think she read me correctly or that she misinterpreted my words during a session. I have this great ambivalence about therapy.
I think it would be important to work this through with her. Particularly since you say that she is so different from your mother. You don't know how to deal with someone who is direct and cares about what you do. Hopefully, most of the world is more like her than like your mother! But you do need to let her in on what you are thinking. If you disagree with her, Say so!
This sounds valuable to me...
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 9:05:23
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2005, at 7:46:33
Yes, I think you're right. She's a very motherly figure for me, but so different from my experience. Someone who cares *and* can show it.
Thanks, falls
Posted by Dinah on October 11, 2005, at 9:25:52
In reply to I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
I think how important liking your therapist is depends on what you're hoping to get out of therapy.
I think it's way more important that your therapist cares about you, and it sounds like she does.
I'd bring up the issues that bother you though - the uncertainty about appointments, the health issues and fears of abandonment.
On the other hand, not every therapist is right for every client. If you really think these are issues you can't deal with, there's no shame in looking again.
(By the way, I didn't like my therapist for a long time, and he didn't "get" me at all. I think all relationships take time to develop, and those things can grow.)
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 10:25:50
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by Dinah on October 11, 2005, at 9:25:52
I'm going to try to bring these issues up (gulp). Avoidant-me is not happy, but I keep seeing the good stuff that's happened with my T in our short time already. And if her health does not have a good prognosis, that will be another thing entirely. (I don't want you to be my therapist because you're sick?? sounds really heartless to me.) She has mentioned grooming someone to take over her practice when she eventually retires, because i've brought up my abanondment issues before - she's older like I say... maybe I should ask to meet this person.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 11, 2005, at 10:45:03
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » Dinah, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 10:25:50
Good for you for planning to bring it up!
You might consider bringing in your post (or even an edited version of it). I think that truly good T's can help a client work through and figure out if they would do better w/ a different T. AND help them match up with a different T that would be good for them if necessary.
Also, I must add...if your T is already thinking abt retirement, how old is her batty mother!?!? It just sorta makes me laugh (and worry about how well everything is filed!)
Best,
EE> I'm going to try to bring these issues up (gulp). Avoidant-me is not happy, but I keep seeing the good stuff that's happened with my T in our short time already. And if her health does not have a good prognosis, that will be another thing entirely. (I don't want you to be my therapist because you're sick?? sounds really heartless to me.) She has mentioned grooming someone to take over her practice when she eventually retires, because i've brought up my abanondment issues before - she's older like I say... maybe I should ask to meet this person.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 13:57:09
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by Emily Elizabeth on October 11, 2005, at 10:45:03
> Also, I must add...if your T is already thinking abt retirement, how old is her batty mother!?!? It just sorta makes me laugh (and worry about how well everything is filed!)
>
> Best,
> EE
>Her mom is older than dirt, and mostly reads the newspaper, answers the phone, and schedules appointments - approximately. She will get the date right but not the time, but the office (er, someone else) confirms the appointment time the day before. Thank goodness!
And my T appears to file stuff herself.
LOL!
Posted by Poet on October 11, 2005, at 18:36:23
In reply to I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
Hi Clearskies,
You said <<She is the only T to have helped me in such a concrete way so far, but I don't care for her style nor her personal beliefs. Not that she forces her beliefs (religious mostly) upon me, but I am used to a far more neutral person sitting across from me.
I'll be totally honest: if those words were mind I'd be looking for a new therapist. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who I really don't like, but feel gratitude to for helping me get through something very major. My T would be proud I wrote that as she keeps telling me I need to be more aggressive. Okay, I'm getting aggressive in somebody else's shoes, which I know is easier written than done.
If you are comfortable talking this out with your therapist I would if I were you. There are some other concerns such as how soon might she be retiring to discuss. If she takes after her mother she'll be there for another 100 years. LOL.
Poet
Posted by terrics on October 11, 2005, at 19:11:00
In reply to I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
I think neutral is better, but you have said very nice things about her. Could you ask her to keep her religious beliefs to herself and that you find it upsetting that she talks about it. I think it might be nice to compliment her on what a good therapist she is too. terrics
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 19:36:53
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by terrics on October 11, 2005, at 19:11:00
I'm trying to think this out. I have a real aversion to the "tough love" approach to life. I have always been a real tenderfoot, and it's become much worse since I sank into my depression and anxiety. My instinct since then has been to run away when confronted rather than make myself uncomfortable. That's what I sense with my ambivalence with this therapist. I like the message, but the messenger rubs me the wrong way. It also seems that the Ts I had who were really personable and likeable were the least effective. Even though I could be more trusting and open with them, they felt more like friendships than professional relationships.
On the other hand, I put up with enormous emotional abuse during my 18 years of my first marriage, during which I learned the avoidance technique, shutting myself down (with drinking) so I wouldn't feel any of it. Now that I'm (newly) sober, all my feelings are raw and painfully present. Maybe that is what I am really experiencing, and this T is not as bad as I'm *feeling* she is. Like I misinterpret peoples' intentions and think that I'm being disrespected or treated shoddily when I'm not really being thought of in anything but a neutral way.
I guess I am hoping that by putting my personal prejudices aside that maybe I can go even farther with this therapist. Some of my greatest teachers at school were the ones who challenged me without much coddling. When I was young I was more resilient and could take these life lessons in my stride. Now I feel so much more frail.
Posted by Poet on October 11, 2005, at 22:41:55
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist - Poet, » terrics, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 19:36:53
Hi Clearskies,
Your feelings are raw and painfully present, but you aren't trying to avoid them. That is not being a tenderfoot, that's somebody who can walk across hot coals barefoot even if it's only a few inches at a time.
You've come along way and while your therapist deserves credit, you should credit yourself, too.
I hope you can talk to your therapist about how conflicted you are about continuing to see her. Maybe write down the pros and cons, so to speak, and see what her take is. Just an idea.
Congratulations on your sobriety. That is a giant run through hot coals.
Poet
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:54:14
In reply to I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2005, at 7:38:23
Hi Clear,
a few things you said concern me. First is that you don't like your T. If that's truly the case, I'd keep her while you look, but be looking for someone younger with less health issues, so you're not as afraid of abandonment, and someone you feel more connected to.
Since you had such a long and bad marriage, maybe working it out with a male T would be beneficial (transference)? And if they're young, less chance of a pregnancy affecting the therapy relationship? (Sorry, I don't mean to always be plugging for a male T)
If you're listening to what she says and not arguing but not agreeing with her, and then going home and feeling like you don't feeling misinterpreted, then maybe she's not getting you, but maybe you NEED to disagree with her! Then you have some very real abandonment issues, and she's talking about grooming someone else to take over? How are you supposed to feel? I think your concerns are very valid, and you should talk to her about them.
I'd tell her like it is, tell her exactly how you feel. It's your therapy, your life, your paying for it, and you're the one who benefits or loses. Take the post, edited if need be, and let her read it. Then go based on her reaction, and whether she can adequately set your mind at ease. It might be a turning point, or it might be the end, but at least you'll have given it a fair shake. When do you see her again?
Good luck!
fw
Posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 6:15:05
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:54:14
I see her on Tuesday. I am so weary of going from T to T. I will print some of this thread (edited) and bring it with me.
I now think that I am trying to make do with who I have instead of finding the right therapist. Also a recurring theme for me, and it's not at all healthy.I can't say how valuable all your input has been. Thank you!
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 8:29:24
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist, posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 6:15:05
> I see her on Tuesday. I am so weary of going from T to T. I will print some of this thread (edited) and bring it with me.
> I now think that I am trying to make do with who I have instead of finding the right therapist. Also a recurring theme for me, and it's not at all healthy.Do you have a p-doc? Can you ask for a recommendation? Mine recommended my current T and I really like him.
fw
Posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 12:29:14
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 8:29:24
No one my p-doc has recommended lately has been taking new patients, and 2 referrals retired their practices after I started therapy with them last year. The T I have now I found through my insurance company - should have been a big clue right there.
:-(
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 13:27:46
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » fairywings, posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 12:29:14
> No one my p-doc has recommended lately has been taking new patients
My current T wasn't accepting patients when I was first referred to him by my p-doc. Maybe keep asking, keep trying.
>>and 2 referrals retired their practices after I started therapy with them last year.
Ouch! That s$cks!
>>The T I have now I found through my insurance company - should have been a big clue right there.
Hmmmmm.....was she just a provider, or did they "refer" you to her? Sorry it's not working out so well. I'm sure, if she's worth her salt, she'd want to know how you feel, want to know your true feelings. That will say a lot.
fw
Posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 16:25:31
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » ClearSkies, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 13:27:46
I will start a discussion with this T before I decide to do anything. I'm in a pretty crappy state of mind at the moment and it is definitely colouring my thoughts to the darker side.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 13, 2005, at 22:56:50
In reply to Re: I don't like my therapist » fairywings, posted by ClearSkies on October 13, 2005, at 16:25:31
I hope the discussion goes well.
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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