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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on September 30, 2005, at 0:47:42
I am currently out of therapy (not really by my own choice, originally) and don't have plans to go back any time in the foreseeable future. There are a couple of reasons for this. 1. I am doing okay, aside from the occasional depressive episode, which is easier to pull myself out of now 2. I don't feel like therapy is something I want to do right now when I'm preparing to get married...I've worked on a lot of stuff and right now I feel like I need to test drive everything I've learned for awhile.
My fiance is deadset against me ever going back to therapy. He is afraid that I will be dependent on it the rest of my life if I start a "pattern" of going. He has seen what it did to me when I was in twice-a-week intense psychodynamically oriented therapy--intense anxiety, panic, moodiness, sadness, anger. He doesn't understand how something that temporarily causes all of the above can be beneficial or good for me.
I have pointed out to him that I feel a lot better now that I've gone--my thought patterns have changed, I don't tear myself down like I used to, and our relationship is happier. He maintains that I could have eventually made these changes on my own. I just doubt it. I don't think that anyone who has not experienced depression can really know what it's like. I described it to him this way--it's like being in such a dense fog that you can't even see your hand in front of your face. You can't think about the next hour or the next day, because it doesn't exist, and you don't have the energy. He seemed to accept this and think about it. But being a scientist, he is uncomfortable with things that don't have an "answer" or a "solution" that is cut and dried. He doesn't understand how I can acknowledge all the risks and repercussions of therapy, and still want to leave the possibility open that I may go back someday.
I don't want you to get the idea that my fiance is a bad guy. He cares about me and he wants me to be okay. It tore him up to see me suffering while in therapy. It's hard for him to see me depressed because he wants to fix it, and he can't really.
But we are so different, the two of us. He has never had a depressive episode. He has had terrible things happen to him and he has the most resiliency of anyone I've ever met. He just has unbelievable inner drive and confidence. He will probably never see the need to be in therapy, and the thought of ever being in therapy himself makes him uncomfortable. Knowing the kind of person he is, I'm pretty sure that therapy would not be beneficial to him.
I don't really know what I'm asking. I figure that most likely, some of you guys go to therapy without the blessing of your spouse. I don't want to cause that kind of conflict in my marriage, but at the same time I realize it's impossible to bind two people together and NOT have conflict.
The good news is that we've yet to attend our church required pre-marital counseling, and most likely this will get hashed out a little more at that point.
Posted by Shortelise on September 30, 2005, at 1:07:43
In reply to My fiance, therapy and more, posted by messadivoce on September 30, 2005, at 0:47:42
I would think that the most important thing in this is that he understands that he may not always understand your needs, but he needs to respect them even if he doesn't understand them.
If you feel you want to go back into therapy at some point, that is your decision, and you are competent to make it. It would be terrible for it to be a subject of contention in your relationship.
Voce, I sincerely hope you'll deal with this on a "deeper level". If he is dead set against, say, extra-marital affairs or swinging, well, I don't see a problem. If he is dead set against something you know you are going to need in the future, then I see trouble in paradise.
I know he's not a bad guy, but sometimes in our relationships we are protective to a point of trying to control the other person, for their own good.
Ok, I am pounding my point now, so I'll stop.
ShortE
Posted by Annierose on September 30, 2005, at 8:25:39
In reply to My fiance, therapy and more, posted by messadivoce on September 30, 2005, at 0:47:42
I think it's important your future husband be supportive of the choices you feel will help you. Sounds like he is slightly threatened. And I can see how therapy is hard to understand unless one has experienced it themselves. My husband doesn't get why it is so important to me, but he knows it is, so he never questions my going, or the financial commitment I make to it.
Maybe you should ask him, in the future, if you are going through another depressive episode, would he be supportive of you getting help?
Posted by orchid on September 30, 2005, at 13:44:52
In reply to My fiance, therapy and more, posted by messadivoce on September 30, 2005, at 0:47:42
Hi Voce,
My husband was like that too for a long time. He was very possessive of me continuing to see a male T. But he didn't tell me that explicitly, but continued to tell me not to see any T.One suggestion I can give is, perhaps to go to a woman T. Husbands seem much more accepting if their wives go to female Ts. Also your dependancy on a female T would be much less than if you go to a male T.
So talk to your fiance about going to a female T - that also maybe you can connvince him initially that you are looking for some short term support to perhaps help you with the stress of marriage or job or if you have some physical illness, maybe you can cite that as a reason why you need some support. Tell him that woman usually need more emotional support than men.
Maybe if you tell him about CBT and explain its more non-dependant approach, he might be willing.
Posted by Annierose on September 30, 2005, at 14:19:40
In reply to Re: My fiance, therapy and more » messadivoce, posted by orchid on September 30, 2005, at 13:44:52
I think attachment can happen whether your T is female or male. I see a female T and feel very strongly attached to her. She is definitely a very important person in my life, and I would miss her terribly if our relationship was suddenly terminated.
Posted by orchid on September 30, 2005, at 14:47:43
In reply to Re: My fiance, therapy and more » orchid, posted by Annierose on September 30, 2005, at 14:19:40
True.
But I personally feel, that the attachment and dependancy for a female patient on a male T is much higher than on a female T. (From my own personal experience).
I can easily see my female T as being a kind of just a moral and just professional support and not view her as a friend or personal relation. But it was so very hard for me to keep that same attitude with my male T. It was almost impossible to view him as a professional acquaintance. It might be different for other persons, but still I feel that the dependancy gets much more complicated and intense with a male T. Atleat that was the way it was for me.
Posted by messadivoce on September 30, 2005, at 19:09:56
In reply to Re: My fiance, therapy and more » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on September 30, 2005, at 1:07:43
ShortE, your point is well taken.
I think this will be a subject of discussion in the near future. I want to take care of myself and be well for him and our relationship, as well as for myself.
We are independent enough from each other that were I to go back, he wouldn't "forbid" me to do that (a sure way to make me do something is to tell me not to do it, in most cases). But he would be unhappy. I don't want him to be unhappy. But I don't want to be unhappy either.
Right now I don't know what I am. Happy that I'm getting married. Sad about losing two wonderful Ts. Gah, I can't think anymore.
This is the end of the thread.
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