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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
I sort of do have a therapist. I know this sounds odd but I sort of forget about her at times. And I don't really think of her as my therapist. Just someone I go and talk to sometimes. I think I have mentioned her before. Shes the one who came to see me in hospital and gave me a hug.
I go and see her. And... We sort of talk about stuff. The 'how has your week been' kind of day to day stuff. She knows about the assessment and the DID dx and p-doc. And that I miss time and stuff. We talk a little bit about that stuff but not too much. Just when I bring it up, I guess. She doesn't push me or anything like that.
I worry about talking about that stuff. I worry that she will feel out of her depth. And terminate me. Or something.
But I went and saw her today.
I was pissed off with her because apparantly she rang p-doc and told him she had been working with me when I went missing. SHE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM THAT. Anyway, we didn't talk about that today.But she asked me how I felt about seeing him next Tuesday. And I told her about how he isn't going to be seeing me anymore after that. And about how he said that he would work with me if the funding didn't come through and that he would get adequate supervision and that we would work together properly and that HE LIED. And that he told me he couldn't see me anymore because of his promotion but then he also told me he wasn't taking that up until August (so HE CAN SEE ME TILL THEN AT LEAST BUT HE WON'T) and that he is moving to the dual dx unit anyways and I have a history of substance abuse SO HE COULD KEEP SEEING ME FROM THERE EVEN BUT THAT HE WON'T.
And I told her that I was really upset with him and that he lied to me and that he just get bored with me like therapists do and then they don't want to see me anymore and they just want me to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM and they don't care what happens to me so long as they never have to see me again.
And she said maybe it wasn't really about him. Maybe it was about something else that had happened before that. And I said I knew that but that I didn't know what to do with it just that it hurt so bad sometimes.
So she said I could talk to her about that next time.
But the trouble is that I suppose she is my therapist. Even though I have immense difficulty seeing her in that way. It is like part of me is there but a huge part of me is somewhere else. And I just seem to talk to her a lot about p-doc.
But when I was seeing p-doc we spent a fair bit of time talking about the psychologist before that.
And when I was seeing the psychologist before that we spent a fair bit of time talking about the psychologist before that
:-(
And it is rare that I ever feel really present with the person I am seeing AT THAT MOMENT.
She thought I might be representing / remembering him unfairly. That my memory goes a bit funny sometimes for things like that.
She said a couple of things - and I was starting to see what she meant...
But I can't remember them now...
It just hurts so much sometimes.
And I can't figure out why and I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.
Posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2005, at 6:48:26
In reply to Hmm, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
What are you supposed to do with it? Maybe be patient with yourself.
This post showed some patterns that you have recognized. That is the first step. Just to recognize that there are patterns. The second step is to figure out what the patterns are (perhaps in your case it is talking about a previous provider). Then you can start to work on why do you have those patterns.
It might be worth talking to her about what her role *is*, and why you aren't clear about her role. (Maybe if she isn't your "therapist", then she won't have to leave you?)
These things are so confusing. Try to understand that it will take you time to sort it all out, and be patient with yourself. Sounds like you are working hard right now. When do you see her again?
Posted by PM80 on April 28, 2005, at 7:59:14
In reply to Hmm, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
Maybe it safer for you to not view her in a the role of therapist. If she is your therapist then you have to be honest. She might see you for who you really are rather than the face you can modify to deal with the world. You take the risk of her not liking what she sees. Add to this the real rejection, or at least carelessness, of your pdoc and your emotions make a lot of sense. You have so much fear, it seems, inside yourself. I am so sorry for all the pain you've experienced that made this fear a very rational defense. But maybe the time has come when you do not need fear to protect you. Maybe you can trust your t - if you truly do not think that you can, then find another. Definitely discuss with her why she shared something that she said she would not, even to your pdoc. You have a right to know what her thinking was.
I see you here, on these boards, and you are beautiful inside- not perfect, but such a wonderful, worthwhile being. I am glad that you exist.
Posted by anastasia56 on April 28, 2005, at 13:13:03
In reply to Hmm, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
Posted by damos on April 28, 2005, at 21:51:18
In reply to Hmm, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 4:35:28
It always amazes me how much you can communicate in one post. Patterns, boundaries, roles and responsibilities. Scary difficult things. How to trust when no-one seems trustworthy. Even harder still.
About the only thing I know is that you expect an awful lot of yourself and maybe having so much knowledge sets up an internal expectation that you should be able to work this out and find the answers. I don't know but maybe. Please go easy on yourself.
You're always in my thoughts,
(((((Alex)))))
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:07:49
In reply to Re: Hmm » alexandra_k, posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2005, at 6:48:26
> What are you supposed to do with it? Maybe be patient with yourself.
Hmm. I think I need to have this go out of my mind. Really. It has been going round and round for the last month. But school starts back on Monday (well, Tuesday for me) and so I need to put it away for 6 weeks to just get through school. At the moment I am just Babbling and bed. Just Babbling and bed... That has to stop. I thought getting it out may help me to put it away. It has to go away tomorrow. Really. I need to prepare for next week.
> Then you can start to work on why do you have those patterns.I guess it is just 'abandonment' stuff that goes all the way back to my father. My mother never got to abandon me because to do that you have to be perceived as actually being there for a time before you leave. But I never ever felt like she was there for me. My father wasn't really. Just one of those illusions. Terminations aren't abandonments I suppose. But I see them that way. I do get terminated a lot. That is true. I don't know if that is because of anything I do to stabotage that or what. I worry about that. But I guess the problem is seeing them as 'abandonments'.
> It might be worth talking to her about what her role *is*, and why you aren't clear about her role. (Maybe if she isn't your "therapist", then she won't have to leave you?)
Hmm. Maybe if she is my therapist then I won't get another one. One who knows how to help me with respect to the DID stuff. One who knows what to do with me. She doesn't know that stuff. She is just seeing me 'cause she feels sorry for me till someone else picks me up. I don't know what will happen if the funding doesn't come through. She said before she wouldn't see me if p-doc wasn't. But then I think she sees that she had better not terminate me now.
See her next Friday.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:10:52
In reply to Re: Hmm, posted by PM80 on April 28, 2005, at 7:59:14
Thanks.
I guess I don't really feel like she is my t because I really do mostly just talk to her about the day to day stuff.
It is rare that it is more than that. It only get to be more if I bring it up.
I don't think she wants to get in too deep with me.
I don't think she knows what to do with me.
Or how to help me.
Or what to say to me much of the time.
She isn't used to seeing someone weekly.
She is just supposed to see people for 2 or 3 sessions. To deal with a specific problem. She isn't used to seeing someone with mental illness.I don't think it is safe to get in too deep with her.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:11:35
In reply to Re: Hmm, there's so much there. » alexandra_k, posted by damos on April 28, 2005, at 21:51:18
I'll be ok.
I'm sure.
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 29, 2005, at 0:04:19
In reply to Re: Thanks Damos., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:11:35
You will. I know it, too.
How come you got such a short-term therapist? I thought they were at last trying to find a really good person for you. So, she's just a stop-gap until you find out if you're funded for a more knowledgeable person? Will you find out about that soon? And what is it about all these professionals terminating and leaving? They are supposed to know that it's very traumatizing to do that to anyone. You admit to being very sensitive to abandonment, but really, every one of us here is just the same- just as sensitive to it as you. If you can just find someone competent who will let you know that he/she will really stay with you, things will start to feel so much better. You've got so much resilience and strength alongside the traumas you've suffered- you just need one really good chance
Posted by damos on April 29, 2005, at 1:38:43
In reply to Re: Thanks Damos., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:11:35
You will, I just know you will.
Always,
damos
Posted by alexandra_k on April 29, 2005, at 12:08:02
In reply to Re: Alexandra, posted by Pfinstegg on April 29, 2005, at 0:04:19
> How come you got such a short-term therapist?
She is a councellor at uni. Nothing to do with community mental health.
>I thought they were at last trying to find a really good person for you.
Found someone. Now am just waiting to see whether they will agree to fund it or not. It isn't a lot of money really. Cheaper than it would be to send me to Ashburn Hall (inpatient treatment) or even to work with a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist from within the service.
>So, she's just a stop-gap until you find out if you're funded for a more knowledgeable person?
Yeah.
> Will you find out about that soon?
Hopefully p-doc will have news on Tuesday. Don't know whether he will or not...
>And what is it about all these professionals terminating and leaving? They are supposed to know that it's very traumatizing to do that to anyone.
I dunno. I dunno. I guess they have all been CBT therapists who have had to justify what they were doing with me to their supervisors. And they didn't know what to do with me. And they burnt out with me. Over and over.
> you just need one really good chance
I hope so.
I hope thats it.
And I hope I get that chance.Thanks.
Posted by rainbowbrite on April 29, 2005, at 13:17:28
In reply to Re: Alexandra » Pfinstegg, posted by alexandra_k on April 29, 2005, at 12:08:02
>I hope so.
I hope thats it.
And I hope I get that chanceI really hope you do too, it seems long over do!
Take care
Posted by PM80 on April 29, 2005, at 16:31:20
In reply to Re: Hmm » PM80, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2005, at 23:10:52
>She isn't used to seeing someone weekly.
She is just supposed to see people for 2 or 3 sessions. To deal with a specific problem. She isn't used to seeing someone with mental illness.If you are right about this, then she may not know what to do with you. BUT that is due to her preparation (or lack of it) and is NOT because you are hopeless. Maybe she could recommend someone better prepared to help you. I don't have any wonderful insightful advice. I'm not always very intuitive when it comes to others' emotions. But I see you hurting and I see you wanting deep inside not to hurt and maybe you do not think this can happen (the not-hurting). I don't know about you, but for me, I am afraid that no one can be trusted with all of me and that is also one thing I want so, so intensely. If it exists, how wonderful that must be. However, if it does not exist, but I believe for a time that it does, it will hurt so deeply when the truth is finally revealed.
I believe hope exists somewhere. Even if some things are never found in my own life or if die tomorrow and it is game over for me, hope and love do exist in reality somewhere. Somewhere a baby is born to a loving mother and father; somewhere an old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary and feel blessed. It does happen.
I don't know if my words can help you. But I think you deserve an opportunity for happiness if you want it.
This is the end of the thread.
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