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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 11 to 35 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:38:55
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by Daisym on April 14, 2005, at 20:49:58
Funny, sometimes she tells me too I am overly responsible also.. It gets me confused.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:40:08
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on April 14, 2005, at 21:54:41
She says I don't try to control things at all.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:40:56
In reply to me! me! me! right here!, posted by Dinah on April 14, 2005, at 22:41:10
I guess not.. if you are comfortable with it and it works for you. For me it doesn't work anymore. I keep trying to be my father's child (according to my new T) and that I am refusing to act like a grown woman.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:42:20
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on April 15, 2005, at 1:38:59
I guess my ex T also kind of made me feel like a grown woman. It felt really good. But then I am scared now. And somehow I feel people wont like me if I act like an adult woman. I am better off being a child
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:43:35
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 7:50:45
Hmm.. I do that all the time.. Try to make things nicer for everyone around me.. Trying to fit both my father and my husband's expectations, and getting in the middle between them.. It is so conflicting and demanding. And they are both exactly opposte to each other in their views.. So I am alway playing the middle man
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:44:14
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 8:05:50
sure does count :-). wanting is the first step.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:44:49
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by happyflower on April 15, 2005, at 10:29:30
that must have felt horrible isn't it?
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:45:59
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 15, 2005, at 13:14:29
Thanks ShortE. I will try to read that book. Nowadays I am actually thinking of quitting therapy.. it seems to keep making me regressed all the time, and it actually seems to make things worse many times.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:47:26
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by katherpoo1 on April 14, 2005, at 23:04:05
> Dunno if it's just the way my T feels the way the conversation needs to be steered in order to hash through things... but I keep wanting to be a grown-up in there, and he keeps probing until I regress...
>
> LOL I was in feeling 26 (or wise beyond those 26 years!), and I leave feeling like I'm 6. Part of the process I guess. ;)Yeah, she does that to me too.. I go in there feeling wise way beyond my age, and she makes me a child again. Guess it is for the good.
Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 14:04:09
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 13:43:35
It is difficult not to do this, but sometimes it is better to let people make their own choices and live with them. You are naturally the mediator, but you may find that eventually there are some things that you can step outside of. It comes down to respecting and having enough trust in each person to let them work their own problems out. Obviously, you can't do this in all situations, but sometimes things get better when they are exposed a little. You are not responsible for others' actions. It is okay, healthly even, for you to acknowledge this in your own mind and in your actions.
Just my experience. And it definitely has helped me, just within myself.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 14:15:24
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 14:04:09
It is so hard to do this when the two most important people in your life are dead against each other and have so conflicting views in everything.. And I am always forced to adjust to both of them, and I find it extremely difficult.. When I talk to my dad, he says things, which after sometime when I speak to my husband, my husband thinks exactly opposite of. And my husband gets really really mad at my father.. Even today, he kind of pulled my hair and hsook my head up because I was trying to not listen to what he is saying. And I was being very reasonable.. But my hsuband gets extremely angry at my father and calls him a dog etc . And I am so conflicted and confused. I love my dad very much and I am not able to take this.
Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 15:07:04
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 14:15:24
I'm sorry. That does suck. Both your father and your husband are adults. You do not have to be in the middle or make them like each other. Have you brought this up in therapy? I have a feeling that there is so much more here than meets the eye. What is healthy response for you that you can live with might be a good place to start, i guess, depending on your therapy style. You are entitled to the right to take care of yourself and your needs.
Your husband does not have the right to grab your hair and shake your head - you are a wonderful person, not his slave or his puppet. Anger is not an excuse. You probably are already aware of this, but you may feel truly stuck or may feel that the problem is not that big of a deal. OK, it's your life and only you know the facts and can make the right decisions for you. BUT if you ever do need help, please don't ever feel bad doing whatever you need to do.
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 15:54:29
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 15:07:04
It really feels bad. I am so mad at him.
But he is an overall good guy that is why I try to put up with him. But it so hard for me.
Posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 16:36:18
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 15:54:29
Oh pinkeye, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation caught between your father and your husband. That sounds terribly difficult. And no matter how difficult your relationship with your father has been, you don't want to hear anyone call him a dog.
Has your husband physically hurt you before? Or was this the first time?
I remember you said you were coming to like your husband more in recent months, and that you hadn't liked him so much before. And I know you're trying to make a decision about your future with him. I hope you will talk about this physical attack with your therapist, because I'm very worried for you.
I wish you peace.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 16:36:18
Thanks Tamar.
I am too tired to think today. My husand has been physically violent several times before. But he had kind of stopped all that for a long time.The thing is, I try to be very very reasonable with him.. atleast for the past 2 years I have been trying to be very controlled and affectionate.. But it is never enought for him I feel. Basically we are just not suited for each other maybe. OR maybe I am jsut so pessimistic and somehow keep getting all the negative things in my life. Somehow I feel it is all my fault.
Posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 18:04:56
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26
I had a relationship with someone who made me feel like you just described. He was a narcisist completely unable to empathize with me. I'm SO glad he is not in my life now. Maybe our situations are different, but it sounds like nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. If everything is "Whoa is me" with him, and somehow nothing is ever his fault, then he is a narcisist.
Posted by Poet on April 15, 2005, at 21:46:23
In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10
Hi pinkeye,
I get the opposite- mine keeps telling me that I can't control everything.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on April 15, 2005, at 22:32:03
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 15, 2005, at 16:58:26
I don't think it's *you* who needs to grow up. Physical violence is not ok, is never ok, once you're past age two or three. Basically good guys aren't physically violent towards those they love.
I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but I feel strongly at this issue. Look at yourself in the mirror, Pinkeye. You deserve better. You are a human being, and human beings deserve to have their persons respected.
My mother pulled my hair when I was 13 or 14. When she came home, I was ready with my hairbrush full of hair complete with roots. I looked her in the eye and told her she was never going to do that again, then I walked away. And she never did.
I deserved better, no matter what I did, or how I annoyed her. I deserved better because no one deserves to have physical violence perpetrated on them.
Look in the mirror, Pinkeye. Look at the human being who deserves better.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 15, 2005, at 23:08:45
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 15, 2005, at 13:14:29
ShortE,
Thanks a lot for this link! I checked it out, looks like I will want this one. She has others, as well, that look promising.
Posted by thewrite1 on April 17, 2005, at 13:45:50
In reply to Anybody afraid of growing up?, posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 19:59:10
My T would probably say that to me if she were ever so straight forward about her thoughts. It's not even so much that for me. It's not that I refuse to grow up. I just have trouble accepting that I am and have been a lot longer than most. Aside from having a roof over my head, I've pretty much been on my own since I was 9. Now I just kind of feel like I've done this long enough. Can't someone else take care of me now?
Posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 14:12:14
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 15, 2005, at 18:04:56
Thanks PM80.. My husband is actually a pretty nice guy.. I don't think he is a narcist.. ( I actually don't know what that term means too much).
Posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 14:15:55
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 15, 2005, at 22:32:03
Actually in the culture that I grew up in, little bit of physical violence was considered ok. My father has beaten me up several times. He didn't beat my mother much, but he has slapped her a few times. So I don't think too much of it, if it is mostly because the other person loses control.. and not to intentionally hurt.
But it does terrorize me. And I am not doing so good in the past few days. I am becoming extremely angry and feeling very helpless. And I hate him, I hate his family, I hate my family, I hate my marriage.. everything. I don't want to feel this way. But somehow I beleive this is what I deserve also.. kind of I don't deserve better. Don't know what to do. There is a huge conflict between us right now, whether to go back to my country or to stay here, and this issue has always been the major derailer for me..
Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 18:24:16
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 14:15:55
Well, it isn't what you deserve.
I'm always sort of stymied when confronted with cultural differences. There's something in me that freezes, afraid of cultural arrogance or something.
But...
Is it equally ok for the women in your culture to be violent toward the men? And if not, what is the logic? If people are hit because they're bad, aren't people of both sexes known to be bad? If men can lose control, can't women as well?
Clearly I might not understand. But... If I were considered something that could be beaten by the people who were supposed to love and protect me, I think I'd feel terrorized and angry as well.
My mother lost control before she ever hit me. She never hit me when she was in control. That just made it way scarier for me. I'd have far preferred a cool headed spanking.
My father yelled and threw things, but he never ever hit anyone or any dog, other than a few swats on my tush that didn't really count as spanking much less beating. He lost control, but never lost control of that.
I've lost control enough to scream at my dogs till my face turned purple and I thought I was going to have a stroke. But I don't hit. And I don't scream at my son like that. So I think even allowing myself to scream was a choice I made.
I guess I have a hard time seeing hitting as something that isn't a choice.
But I guess I've also led a fairly sheltered life.
Posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 18:40:46
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Trigger » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 18:24:16
What you have said is so true. I think men just do it because they have more physical power. And if they want, they can stop.
My husband started losing control, but then I told him, if he ever laid his hand on me one more time, I am going to make sure he pays for it.. And also that I would walk away from him forever and then he suddenly regained control. So if he wants, he can control.
But regarding the deserving, I feel like I deserve only such a man in my life. I liked people who are better, but then they never liked me back. Like my ex T. I am sure he would never hit anyone, but such a person never likes me also. That is why I compromise with my husband all the time.
Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 19:38:01
In reply to Re: Anybody afraid of growing up? Trigger » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 18, 2005, at 18:40:46
Your husband did maintain control when faced with your leaving him if he didn't. Doesn't that mean he values you?
I dunno. I'm no prize by any means. I was once pretty enough, I guess - in a way I never appreciated at the time. But I had enough problems that I was never a prize, matrimonially or datewise. So I tend to think that if nice guys liked me, you don't have to be all that wonderful.
My very beautiful cousin once asked me how "all" the guys I dated were so nice. She must have met "all" of them, because there weren't all that many. :) She was very beautiful, but she had dated some guys who were not so nice to her.
My answer to her at the time seemed lame, but the more I look back on it, the more profound it seems. I looked at her in surprise and said that I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't nice.
Mind you, I was also one of the most cautious daters around. I didn't date anyone I didn't already know, or who didn't know someone I knew and trusted. Which led to dates with very few surprises.
But it also wasn't that important to me to be with someone, and I knew my own worth enough to make sure that anyone I was with would respect me at least as much as I respected myself.
So how did I end up with a man who considers me his second child? I don't know how that changed, or where, so that he no longer considered me worthy of the respect I *still* think I deserve. No matter what he thinks I have or haven't done.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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