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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:26:23
Atticus where the heck ARE you with those Molson???
I better walk over to the liquor store, that'll keep me out of trouble.
Or maybe I'll have the last of the Vermouth, straight and warm. Ugh. I just might, to keep from going out into that cold black night, the one with no end, the damp creeps in and strips my bones of their glow, they're brittle now, they creak in the cold, and they hurt, and one day they'll be cold forever and the sudden furnace will warm them, briefly.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:33:54
In reply to Ch**st I need a Beer., posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:26:23
Look at the thread above, look AG, and see yourself, do you see yourself or is it only me who sees you there??
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:39:16
In reply to Adagrace, this is what you did, now I know why, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:33:54
Sarah. But here musicians' acoustics are a little over the edge, imo, that's just a bit too acoustical for me, otherwise they really rock.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 21:27:51
In reply to Adagrace, this is what you did, now I know why, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 20:33:54
THIS Sort of shite is EXACTLY what I used to do to my therapist, on his answering machine, it's exactly the same, it's stuff coming out because it has to and he dropped me because he couldn't take it anymore.
I know I should probably be angry with him, but I don't know how. Should I be? He's allowed me to do that for a long time, making phone calls, but he only did it to help me, he only did it thinking that eventually I'd be able to trust him enough to do it all there, in front of him, to do it within session times so he could get paid for it and he could talk back to the crazy me when she came up, he was just trying to help hoping that I'd get better somehow by seeing him but what he didn't understand and what I didn't understand was I wasn't ever committed to being well, I didn't want to let go of the defenses because they protected me.
And now he's gone, he's a quiet man who makes no effort to go outside his shell and he was just the wrong person to help me because he's too frightened. And I always knew I frightened him.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 22:24:51
In reply to Re: Adagrace, this is what you did, now I know why, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 21:27:51
Was uncreative. Because you know, if he were creative he would've worked out a solution to the problem, and he did not do that. He did not do that. He just said, Bye-bye. Take care.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 22:56:52
In reply to My Therapist=not a creative thinker, posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 22:24:51
Last week I wrote my ex-T a letter saying my phone calls were an addiction. And that was correct, and I realize what I've always known, is that sometimes it was addiction (his voice, it calmed and soothed me and made me feel loved and cared for, like a mommy, okay I can accept that) and sometimes it was just necessary, like a dream is necessary, a working-out of psychoses. He didn't know how to help me. He just didn't know how. G*d that hurts, that hurts so much. Why didn't he admit that, admit defeat, say it to me, I'm sorry this is too much for me you're too disordered and I don't know how to deal with it .. I'll tell you why, it's because he was afraid of hurting me even more, because he knows I have zippo self-confidence when it comes to love, and he knew I was in love with him. That's why.
Posted by tryingtobewise on January 28, 2005, at 23:02:50
In reply to Oh Dear., posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 22:56:52
Susan, Friday nights are hard. Maybe things will look better in the morning. Are you in a city, with a 24 hour Starbucks...some place you can go for a change of scenery?
Hugs,
Kim
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 23:19:36
In reply to Oh Dear., posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 22:56:52
And of course which all proves that the way I love IS destructive, it's destructive to me. I love the wrong way, somehow.
Posted by Susan47 on January 28, 2005, at 23:23:15
In reply to Re: Oh Dear., posted by tryingtobewise on January 28, 2005, at 23:02:50
I suppose Friday nights are difficult, I do live in a city and there are Starbucks everywhere but it's the last thing I wanna do right now, I actually feel a bit better, plus I can't afford to go anywhere anyway. Whine. Poor me. Have to get up early and go to class, thank god it's a field trip not that boring classroom stuff that classroom will be the death of me if it's not over soon.
Today I realized I have to find ways to be kinder to myself, not just little things, but maybe bigger things, things I can work for, like skiing in the early morning on an old logging road ski trail, you know those long ones that are so incredibly quiet and beautiful? I need to go do that again. It's been way way too long, years, way too many years. What a wasted life I have.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 29, 2005, at 1:23:27
In reply to Re: Oh Dear., posted by tryingtobewise on January 28, 2005, at 23:02:50
You said his voice soothes you...maybe you could tape his voice and play it when you need to hear him so you dont feel so bad about calling him??
HUGS
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 9:42:20
In reply to Re: Oh Dear./ can i make a suggestion?? » tryingtobewise, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 29, 2005, at 1:23:27
It would be a lousy recording because my cell phone has a sweet spot, if you don't get it you can't hear properly... plus the reception is lousy sometimes, you never know when it's gonna snap crackle and pop and I'm sure he would think it ws wrong to do that anyway. It just encourages the dependence, doesn't it? He gave me up, remember, he threw his hands into the air and went, "Adios, baby." I wouldn't want to make him any more frustrated than he probably already is. *sigh*
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 29, 2005, at 15:03:15
In reply to Re: Oh Dear./ can i make a suggestion??, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 9:42:20
I don't know...maybe I am crazy but youre calling him anyways so if you taped it from a real phone not a cell phone you would have the tape and could skip the calls...see? maybe?
> It would be a lousy recording because my cell phone has a sweet spot, if you don't get it you can't hear properly... plus the reception is lousy sometimes, you never know when it's gonna snap crackle and pop and I'm sure he would think it ws wrong to do that anyway. It just encourages the dependence, doesn't it? He gave me up, remember, he threw his hands into the air and went, "Adios, baby." I wouldn't want to make him any more frustrated than he probably already is. *sigh*
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 15:30:54
In reply to Re: Oh Dear./ can i make a suggestion?? » Susan47, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 29, 2005, at 15:03:15
I wish it were that simple. It just isn't. Nothing's ever been simple for me. It would be like having a carbon copy of real time, and there just isn't any such thing.
Posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 15:36:33
In reply to Re: Oh Dear./ can i make a suggestion?? » Fallen4MyT, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 15:30:54
ThAT's what making phone calls is, knowing the person on the other end isn't there. KNOWING that and still having to do it, still being duped into dialing that number, that number that I know so well now that sometimes I just dial it by mistake, not thinking, looking for somebody else. Looking for somebody else.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 29, 2005, at 17:05:47
In reply to Re: Oh Dear./ can i make a suggestion?? » Fallen4MyT, posted by Susan47 on January 29, 2005, at 15:30:54
> I wish it were that simple. It just isn't. Nothing's ever been simple for me. It would be like having a carbon copy of real time, and there just isn't any such thing.
It was just a shot at something that would not make you feel so bad about calling him after.....sorry youre in so much pain :(
This is the end of the thread.
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