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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:26:16
I'm really worried that I don't have the right T. Although she asks good questions and is empathic, every time she tries to make an analysis or add something substantive to the conversation, it kind of falls flat. I feel bad because I don't want to say, "No, you've got it all wrong," so I try to find a way to fit it in. But sometimes it just stops me in my tracks. That's not the way it's supposed to work.At least with my old T, this didn't happen. She helped move me forward in the conversation. The problem with her was that I avoided the real issues, so not sure how much good that did me. But at least I felt like we were understanding each other.
In some ways, I think my old T was the best T I'll ever have. In other ways, I realize she was a train wreck. I just don't want to start looking for another T. I'm sorely tempted to email the old T and just give it another whirl. I know I've been through this before. I'll try not to act rashly.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:19
In reply to Unsatisfying session today, makes me question, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:26:16
Hi crushed,
Sorry you feel on a bit of a rollercoaster here, at least it sounds like you have ups and downs with your new T. One thought I had when reading your post is that you don't want her to feel bad if her interpretation falls flat. That's nice of you, but you don't have to and shouldn't protect your T's feelings. Let her know what doesn't feel like it fits. Talk some more about it. She can be wrong, and if she isn't getting you, then help her to do that.On the other hand, you bring up a good point about how your old T may have colluded with you in avoiding tougher stuff. Perhaps some of the interpretations your new T is making are accurate, but they are not timed well?
And feel free to correct me if I'm not getting it here. I'm in washing machine hell, and so I'm feeling "unbalanced". Oh wait, that's the machine. ;)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:55:24
In reply to Re: Unsatisfying session today, makes me question » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:19
Dang, that curse word filter is not all that effective. Or is h*ll okay?
gg
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 14:00:52
In reply to Re: Unsatisfying session today, makes me question » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:19
Thanks, gg. No, I don't think she's getting stuff right. She seems to be floundering. I can't tell her she's just missing stuff, even though I know I should, because it would make her feel bad. And then not only would I feel bad about hurting her, I'd also worry she didn't like me (it's a well-known psychological fact that people don't like other people who make them feel bad about themselves, right?).Anyway, on top of that, it's not like I can help her understand me. She's so far off that it would be like trying to make someone who speaks only Chinese understand English just by yelling it at them. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. But it does feel kind of hopeless. And I'm in no place to start T-shopping again.
Sorry for ranting at you, gg. I'm just so frustrated.
Posted by mair on January 17, 2005, at 14:04:54
In reply to Unsatisfying session today, makes me question, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:26:16
Crushed - I've noticed that when my T tries to finish my sentences, she's not infrequently off the mark in identifying what I wanted to say. She's also been positing theories for years about the way I was parented that I've simply never bought because I've never been able to tap into the feelings she keeps telling me I must have had.
At times, these off the mark observations have made me think that she grasps at explanations that are just too easy or that she doesn't understand me or that she just lacks insight. I don't think any of it makes her a bad T, in fact I think she's a good T and that we're a decent fit.
If she indicates to me by one of her responses that she hasn't really understood what I was saying, it just tells me that I need to explain things better and probably forces me into a deeper level of communication. I've mostly stopped worrying about those theories of hers that I don't buy, because having talked about them ad nauseum, I'm no longer convinced that the perfect theory is going to do me that much good anyway. We work alot on having me be more comfortable talking about emotional reactions, particularly ones I have with her. She's great at talking openly about our relationship and although it's taken an eternity, I'm realizing that I do talk about stuff more openly and easily with her.
But for Daisy's T, the perfect T doesn't exist, and there are always going to be some things in the relationship that don't work as well as you like. I think you need to evaluate whether the things that bother you now are or should be "deal killers" or whether they're things you can work on with her.
Mair
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 14:10:30
In reply to Re: Unsatisfying session today, makes me question » crushedout, posted by mair on January 17, 2005, at 14:04:54
Yeah, I know no T is perfect, but it's just so hard to know how off the mark is too off the mark, you know? My old T used to get things wrong also, but at least once in a while she made a brilliant observation or noticed an interesting connection. This one's maybe never done that. And I've given her a lot of chances.
But maybe if she was brilliant, I would just fall in love with her. Maybe all I need her to do is be there. I dunno.
Posted by Dinah on January 17, 2005, at 14:40:03
In reply to Unsatisfying session today, makes me question, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:26:16
She's quite new yet, and bound not to know you the way your old therapist did. One thing you *must* not do though, is allow misperceptions to stand. Otherwise she never will get to know you.
Not only do I challenge my therapist when I think he's wrong, I also challenge him when I think he doesn't understand and is going to let it slide. D*mn it, I'm going to make sure he has a working understanding by the time I'm through, and I'll make him repeat it back to me in his own words to ensure that.
It was hard work, because we're not anything alike, but after all this time I've got a therapist who understands me as well as I understand myself. But I didn't leave it up to relationship magic. That happens all too infrequently. *Maybe* Daisy's therapist. :)
If I can pound understanding into my therapist's not overly imaginative and very psychobabbly head, I imagine you can manage to do it with what sounds like a reasonably promising candidate. And if she's not willing to work with you to understand, it's best to know that too.
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 15:53:50
In reply to Re: Unsatisfying session today, makes me question » crushedout, posted by Dinah on January 17, 2005, at 14:40:03
you mean i have to WORK at my relationship with my therapist? i can't just show up and have a perfect relationship and get fixed up and made happy? nobody told me that was the deal! i would never have signed up for this gig had i known!geezzzzzus, this is really stinky. ;)
Posted by annierose on January 17, 2005, at 17:27:03
In reply to Re: Unsatisfying session today, makes me question » Dinah, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 15:53:50
See, you brought a huge smile to my face with that last comment! Thank you, I needed that, badly.
I agree with everyone. I am not the most comfortable person in therapy, but I am quick to point out observations she got wrong. And you can do it "nicely" ... like ... "No, that's not exactly how I'm feeling, it's more like ...."
She is never offended.Yes, people like to be liked. And I'm not saying I don't like her when I disagree. I also let her know how wonderful I think she is too.
This is the end of the thread.
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