![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:49:12
I have a problem, I act anxious and weird in certain situations that make me uncomfortable and my therapist tried to think of reasons why I act like that and she was totally wrong. She thinks I have a self fulfilling prophecy, an unconscious wish, and I just don't feel like she's right at all. They can't be right all the time I guess...It just bothers me so much. Perhaps because she told me something I didn't want to hear because it's not true, and it's frustrating when people make false assumtions about me. It just bothers me. Thanks for listening.
Posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:58:55
In reply to Frustrating therapy session today, posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:49:12
This post has to do with the guy I'm seeing and the uncomfortableness I feel at his house. She just thinks it's weird that I act weird and uncomfortable there when he has told me that there is nothing to worry about and that his roommates are very nice (I suppose that is a little weird). She thinks I'm trying to sabatoge the relationship (not true). I mean I am still afraid of getting rejected and hurt like in my last relationship, and Yes, I do do things so that I will be the one pushing him away and not the other way around. For instance, he has offered to call me rather than me call him. But I am not deliberately using my social anxiety and sensitivity to get rejected my this guy. Anyway, if you wanna reply, please do.
Posted by Joslynn on January 11, 2005, at 15:21:21
In reply to Re: Frustrating therapy session today (more), posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:58:55
Hmm, sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable alone with a guy at his house for the first time because you never know when he will make a move and how that will go, how far etc. Could it be that? Are you afraid of things going too fast?
I don't think it's wrong for the guy to call more often. A lot of guys don't like to talk on the phone as much as women, so I feel more comfortable letting them call when they want to instead of me calling them. But I'm kind of old-fashioned about dating.
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2005, at 19:29:23
In reply to Re: Frustrating therapy session today (more), posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:58:55
Hmmm...
I found your reaction perfectly understandable. Perhaps your therapist has such a different personality type that she just can't manage to see things from the perspective of someone who doesn't. Sometimes it's ok to be the way we are, not pathological. It's ok to not want to go on a date with an apartment-ful of men. It's hard enough getting to know one.
But she might yet be trainable. How old is she? Has she been a therapist long? Does she listen if you tell her she's missed the mark? They all miss the mark from time to time. The good ones admit that it's possible.
Posted by fallsfall on January 11, 2005, at 21:10:19
In reply to Frustrating therapy session today, posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:49:12
My therapist has "accused" me of having unconscious motivations, and I was convinced that he could not possibly be right. After a while, he asked me to "consider the possibility" that he was right. He wasn't asking me to agree with him, just to think about what it would be like if he were right. Sort of a "what if" scenario. So I started thinking about "what if" he were right - what if I did have this unconscious motivation. That led me to see that *if* I had that motivation, then certain things would be likely to be true. As I explored the possibility his theory made more sense, and after much gnashing of teeth, I now agree with him.
He has said that almost always when an unconscious motivation is suggested, the patient will deny it (the motivation is unconscious for a reason...).
So you might want to just "consider the possibility" that you are afraid of this relationship succeeding. What would that mean to you? How could you protect the relationship? What would be the positive and negative aspects of having the relationship fail? Do you expect the relationship to succeed, or to fail - what do you think is most likely?
You don't need to decide anything. The goal is just to think about possibilities. The truth will make itself known in its own time.
Sometimes therapists are completely wrong about this unconscious stuff - but not always.
Posted by Angela2 on January 12, 2005, at 10:29:23
In reply to Consider the possibility... » Angela2, posted by fallsfall on January 11, 2005, at 21:10:19
The idea that we are driven unconscious forces is difficult for me to imagine though! I can't feel it. It isn't obvious to me. It just seems like a crock! Is it even real?
On the other hand, I am considering the possibility and me sabatoging the relationship doesn't sound *completely* off the wall. I liked how things were before he came into my life. Perhaps I am testing this relationship unconsciously in some way. If unconscious drives even exist...:)
Posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2005, at 11:23:15
In reply to Re: Consider the possibility..., posted by Angela2 on January 12, 2005, at 10:29:23
Sometimes when a therapist proposes an interpretation that seems foreign to the client, it falls flat. This usually means that it is either way off base, or the timing of the interpretation was off. I have found that an interpretation that is right on usually hits some chord with me, even if I do not fully accept it in the moment.
So if it doesn't feel right to you, you can disagree. And then go back through the dance and try explaining it again. Sometimes it takes repetition and saying it in different ways for the two of you to feel on the same page.
Good luck,
gg
Posted by fallsfall on January 12, 2005, at 14:26:19
In reply to Re: Consider the possibility..., posted by Angela2 on January 12, 2005, at 10:29:23
I find it easier to believe some aspects of the unconscious than others.
I do accept that dreams (often) have meaning, that they speak to deep feelings and beliefs.
I accept Freudian slips as a message from the unconscious (sometimes they are just typos, but there are enough times when it really is what you *wanted* to say/type but didn't have the nerve to or didn't quite understand).
Accepting these things helps me to believe that the unconscious *does* exist (though my therapist says that *it* is a metaphor, and that no one really knows what it is - that this is one way of explaining it).
From there I take baby steps into seeing that perhaps my unexplainable actions have some common basis, that perhaps I have some control when it feels like I have none. But this is where it gets really weird. How can I be "responsible" for something I'm not aware of? And even more important (to me, the control freak) - how can I *change* what I'm doing if I'm not aware that I'm doing it on purpose??
My therapist said "You want to be depressed". Indignantly I said "Of course I don't want to be depressed. Why would anyone want to be depressed? Why would I work so hard at therapy if I wanted to be depressed?" Because I *don't* consciously want to be depressed. And it seems like such an accusation! What kind of slime would want to be depressed, to be a burden on other people, to shirk their duties as a parent, to accept disability money?
But when I was able to start considering the possibility... Then I could see that there *were* advantages to being depressed, and I could see that being *not* depressed included some really terrifying things (i.e. stuff I learned as a child). It seems that, just being able to think about these things, to consider their truth, *has* helped. I am not aware of consciously "working" on being less depressed - how does one "work" on being less depressed?? But talking about some of the fears has given me the ability to understand the reality (i.e. what parts of the fears are real, and what parts are exaggerated) of these issues. And in talking about these *other* issues (like whether I would lose therapy - which seems critical to me), - a by-product of those discussions is that I am now less depressed. Working on those issues (which are the *cause*) has generated a reduction in my depression (which is a *symptom*).
So, your life was pretty good before this relationship came along. That sounds like you lost some "good" aspects of your life - this relationship has *cost* you those good aspects of your life. Yet you "know" that being in a relationship is "good" for you. There are all sorts of benefits that you can name (and all of your friends will also tell you what they are). So, of course, it only makes "sense" to try to make the relationship work. But this "sense" is a conscious "sense". What about those other issues (which may not be things you really want to talk about - like needing to spend *your* money on Him instead of you (aka being "selfish"), or like needing to keep your apartment cleaner (needing to keep up appearances, when *you* don't really care), or having less time for other friends). If you can see that some of these (embarrasing) things have some basis in fact, then you can start to decide which is more important to you. As long as half of the motivation is outside of your consciousness, it is really hard to see how the "keep the relationship" side balances with the "dump the relationship" side. But if you can be aware of the unconscious motivations, then you can decide if you can modify them (i.e. maybe he really doesn't care if you live like a slob - you won't know until you ask him), or you can decide how much weight to give them. This way you can *decide* what to do because you are aware of all of the issues involved. Rather than being pushed by some invisible force and not knowing how to push back because you don't understand the force.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to expound on this subject. When I try to explain it, it gets clearer to me. I don't know if my explanation will help you at all, but writing it down has helped me. It is also easier to see how the theory could work on someone else's situation than it is to see how it could work on one's own situation. Our own situation has too much emotional baggage attached!
Posted by Angela2 on January 19, 2005, at 15:14:56
In reply to Frustrating therapy session today, posted by Angela2 on January 11, 2005, at 14:49:12
Posted by Dinah on January 19, 2005, at 16:03:07
In reply to It went better today (nm), posted by Angela2 on January 19, 2005, at 15:14:56
Thank heavens good sessions often seem to follow very bad ones. Unfortunately the reverse also seems true.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 19, 2005, at 16:25:40
In reply to It went better today (nm), posted by Angela2 on January 19, 2005, at 15:14:56
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.