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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on December 29, 2004, at 18:46:15
When it comes to your psychological or emotional world, how do you distinguish between a *need* and a *want*???
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and Daisym mentioned something like it in a thread above, so I thought it would be interesting to see what everyone thinks.
When it comes to physical things, I'm clear on need vs. want. I can tell the difference between when I need to eat, drink, or buy new clothes and when I only want those things. But when it comes to my emotions, I have no idea what a need is. To me, everything feels like a childish or selfish desire so I try to push away and ignore. I guess I see a need as something I would die without. So when my therapist asks me what my emotional needs are, I can't think of anything I absolutely couldn't live without. She tells me I can call her if I need her, but I always feel like I just *want* to call her because I know I will survive whatever situation I am in.
Any insights?
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 29, 2004, at 19:46:15
In reply to Need vs. Want, posted by Skittles on December 29, 2004, at 18:46:15
I am with you Skittles its all foreign territory to me. Like once my T said cry, you NEED to cry a bucket of tear....seemed a waste of time in self pity or something to me
Posted by Daisym on December 29, 2004, at 21:43:49
In reply to Need vs. Want, posted by Skittles on December 29, 2004, at 18:46:15
We go through this a lot. He tells me I'm afraid of asking to get my needs met. I'm not even clear on what those needs are. But I have reached the conclusion that I NEED him, I NEED therapy and I NEED to be able to cry about all this stuff, or I won't make it through another year.
I want to make through. I want to be happy.
I don't want to want to go to therapy as much as I do. I need therapy, I just don't know if I NEED this much therapy, it is right here that I get lost in the quagmire.
My therapist keeps asking me why it isn't ok for it to "just" be a want -- why isn't it OK to want something and get it. I always reply that it feels self-indulgent and/or selfish. AND it feels dangerous. Like if someone finds out you really want this, you will have to pay a high price for it, or it will be taken away from you because you don't really need it.
Can you tell this is a HUGE issue for me?
Today he told me, "what if, therapy could be so individualized that there is no possible way for you to do it wrong, or too much, or too little? What if, it could just organically evolve and adjust to how much support or help you need any given week? You can increase or decrease your sessions, you can call or not. What if I was totally OK with doing it that way, instead of a prescribed set of sessions and phone calls per week or per month?"
I told him I always thought I did better with rules, but I with therapy I was terrified that he might change his mind and begin to set very tight limits. I need to know he was there for me. So as much as I struggle with "supposed toos" I'm glad he is so flexible for me. Yet, even with this flexibility, the boundaries remain solid and clear. I think I NEED him to be this way for me, as much as I WANT him to be this way.
But it is so very complicated and hard. He nods his head when I say that and says, "but this is the real work, isn't it?"
Posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 3:56:48
In reply to Re: Need vs. Want, posted by Daisym on December 29, 2004, at 21:43:49
(((Daisy))),
> Can you tell this is a HUGE issue for me?
>
> Today he told me, "what if, therapy could be so individualized that there is no possible way for you to do it wrong, or too much, or too little? What if, it could just organically evolve and adjust to how much support or help you need any given week? You can increase or decrease your sessions, you can call or not. What if I was totally OK with doing it that way, instead of a prescribed set of sessions and phone calls per week or per month?"
><<< Repeat the above, only change "What if" to "Picture that"... Does this improve your vision and sense of safety ?
Rod
Posted by peacefeline on December 31, 2004, at 14:27:31
In reply to Need vs. Want, posted by Skittles on December 29, 2004, at 18:46:15
Skittles,
(And by the way, this IS a great topic!)
Here's how it looks to me:
A "want" is just a "need" in disguise.
If I don't have a car and it's a long way to work, you could say I "need" a car, if I'm going to continue working where I do (and there's no reliable public transit, etc.)
But I don't "need" a Porsche, to get me to work. If I "want" a Porsche, maybe by listening to myself carefully, I can discover what I expect the Porsche to do for me, over and above getting me to work. Maybe I want it to make me look successful, or to rub my ex-spouse's nose in how well I'm doing, or to raise my self-esteem.
Then, when I get the answer to that question of what I want the Porsche to do for me, I can look deeper into that answer and find where the "need" lies. Because there always is a need, in there somewhere.
And usually, it comes down to not feeling connected enough. As you said, the need for oxygen, food & water is clear cut. The tricky ones are those needs which are not physical. When our connections with others are not sufficient for our needs, often we confuse the issue further with a list of "wants" which we fool ourselves into thinking will bring us happiness.
In the case of a T, there are definitely basic needs that most T's fill very well for most of us. We needed someone to listen, and help us sort out confusing things in our lives. We needed someone who would accept us the way we are. We needed a close connection with another human being, who could know the darkest truths we had inside, and would still remain in our lives, caring and helping.
If you suspect some of your "needs" are really "wants", maybe you can listen to what you are looking for from those parts of the relationship with your T.
Susan
Posted by B2Chica on January 2, 2005, at 15:36:38
In reply to Need vs. Want, posted by Skittles on December 29, 2004, at 18:46:15
>But when it comes to my emotions, I have no idea what a need is. To me, everything feels like a childish or selfish desire so I try to push away and ignore.BOY do i understand this. i haven't started back into therapy yet and i feel weak, like a child if i do ask for anything. mostly weak and stupid for being "needy". i guess i've always "sucked it up" and don't know any other way...guess that's why i need therapy huh?? (sarcastic laugh)
but sometimes i think about it and am scared to death that if i even THink about asking for or being needy that i will Explode with TOOOO much. maybe overwhelm him. i don't want him running away like the last one.B2c.
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