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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
I've mentioned it twice in this latest binge, and my therapist hasn't exactly leapt on it. It's a very very big problem for me, to tell the truth. But I don't particularly want to be lectured by him. I already know I shouldn't be doing it.
Posted by smokeymadison on December 2, 2004, at 23:42:52
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
it sounds like you need to sort of hit your therapist over the head with it, so to speak. can you return any of the items you bought? i have found having to return stuff a humbling experience that dissuades me from doing it again. it is a BIG problem for me too. i have hardly any money for rent and stuff as it is, and even spending what i have, i haven't even paid Nov rent yet. can you do other things to occupy your time, hobbies (that don't require spending)?
as far as therapy goes, you probably need to spend some time on the subject, even if the therapist gets annoying and starts lecturing (been there too). good luck!
SM
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 3, 2004, at 0:21:05
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
Dinah I would think after mentioning it twice that he would/should say something and it sounds like you really want some help on it. My T does that junk now and then it's like he is in a daze or doesn't realize it's important to me. You have always hit me as a straight shooter maybe saying to him that you noticed he didn't comment on this and youre bothered by it AND his lack of noting it is important to you would work?
> I've mentioned it twice in this latest binge, and my therapist hasn't exactly leapt on it. It's a very very big problem for me, to tell the truth. But I don't particularly want to be lectured by him. I already know I shouldn't be doing it.
Posted by daisym on December 3, 2004, at 0:31:15
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
I would say that you need to bring it up the way you did here...as a big problem. You probably need to figure out how to dissipate the feelngs and stress that are causing you to act out in this way. I realize that you know yourself well, and the answers might seem so obvious. But could it be that your emotional side is asserting herself outside of your sessions? Perhaps there is just too much stress for her right now.
I know you said you also cut back sessions. Is this a way to compensate for that support? It might be cheaper to just go...
(((Dinah))) -- I'm sorry things are so rough. I hope they get better soon.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 0:42:25
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
Oh wow, I have met somebody else!
Binge spending is a big problem for me too.
I have mentioned it to t's and they seem to react much the same way yours has. Is this a general policy or something?I have no idea why they don't seem to like this topic...
I need to stoppit.
Posted by Aphrodite on December 3, 2004, at 11:47:07
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
I think it should be a huge red flag to a therapist. You mentioned not wanting to be lectured -- has he done that before?
I wonder, though, since you've said your T likes the finer things in life that your definition of overspending and his are not on the same page and is therefore not alarming to him?
It's a hard thing to deal with. I know it gives a temporary fix to shop, especially in the Christmas season when it is all around and there is so much temptation.
Good luck.
Posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2004, at 12:43:05
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
You know you shouldn't be doing it, but do you know *why* you ARE doing it? That would be worth talking about. You must be getting something out of it (or you would stop doing it). What are you getting? What would be the benefits and drawbacks of quitting (you have to be really honest about this)? Can you see why it hasn't been worth it to quit so far?
I had this kind of discussion about my depression. It wasn't fun at all, but it was productive.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 13:08:56
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2004, at 12:43:05
But I start getting chest pains when I think about it.
It wasn't awful or anything.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:16:58
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by smokeymadison on December 2, 2004, at 23:42:52
He didn't lecture, thank heavens. He led me to lecture myself instead. :)
Unfortunately, my spending spree this time took the form of buying a bunch of my old Barbie stuff on eBay. No one item cost all that much, and it would probably cost me more time in lost work time than I would recoup if I attempted to resell it. It's astonishing how much inexpensive items can add up if you buy enough of them. :( I already returned those few things I purchased outright from a store.
Have you had any success developing alternate strategies? My therapist didn't concentrate much on that.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:22:11
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » Dinah, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 3, 2004, at 0:21:05
I suppose I've been colluding with him at not discussing it, because it's a very sore spot with me for a few reasons.
My mother was/is a spendthrift of enormous proportions, leading my father to work most of his life paying off her debt and not having much to retire on. I find myself doing the same secretive things she does, although I don't do the quasi-criminal things she used to do. Ok,they weren't quasi-criminal. They could have gotten her put in prison if my father hadn't covered for her, bailed her out, and if the other people involved had been inclined to pursue it criminally. My problem is not anywhere near her magnitude. I don't do unethical things to spend. But I do hide my spending. And I do spend money I don't have, running up credit card balances.
So... I did bring it up, but I did it by honestly saying that I didn't really want to talk about it.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:32:00
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by daisym on December 3, 2004, at 0:31:15
You hit the nail on the head. It's very much an issue between myself and myself. I hid from my problems by trying to re-buy all the old Barbie stuff I used to have. I guess I used to hide from my problems by living in Barbie city set up in the living room - away from my parents. The age is uncommonly correct too. From my research in rebuying everything, I was ten-twelve at the time I owned these items. The split seems to have taken place at 12-13, as that seems to be the approximate sort of age of emotional me.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:34:58
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 0:42:25
I have sort of a theory that they feel uncomfortable when we mention it because they realize we're also spending money on them. But that wouldn't really apply in your country, so maybe I'm off base.
What always astonished me most is that he has always glossed over that problem while jumping all over SI. The SI I did caused far less lasting damage than the binge spending.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:37:27
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by daisym on December 3, 2004, at 0:31:15
Oops. I forgot to tell you (and hope I'm not inadvertantly exempting myself from the three post exemption by adding it) that my therapist used the fact that I would probably use my binge spending as an excuse to cut back on therapy (which is true) as a sneaky incentive to stop the spending.
He uses our relationship a lot that way. :) And none too subtly so I can't get too annoyed.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:40:09
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spen » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on December 3, 2004, at 11:47:07
I think you have a real point there. Not that he doesn't think *my* spending is a problem. But perhaps it's a problem he shares and so he has some resistance talking about it.
Today we were talking about how he didn't have any plans to retire soon, and he put it in such a way that I heard an unspoken "I won't be able to afford to retire in this lifetime" that I often hear in my own voice. lol.
Posted by smokeymadison on December 3, 2004, at 22:03:28
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spen » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:40:09
for me, making things really helps to avoid spending a buch of money. i fold origami and make mobiles with the animals/figures i make or i just draw and write in my journal. i don't suggest cooking as you will be tempted to eat anything you make. if you have to buy something, buy things that will allow for artistic/creative outlet. if you sew, buy a pattern and some material on sale and just have fun creating something special. with christmas coming up you might wnat to make your own christmas cards. there are kits out there to make your own paper (baking it in the oven and adding scents). there are endless possiblities out there... if you are into dolls, design and make your own dolls. it is probably cheaper than buying Barbies and can be a great creative outlet. good luck!
SM
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 22:20:49
In reply to Re: make some stuff: creative outlets!!! » Dinah, posted by smokeymadison on December 3, 2004, at 22:03:28
lol. I can see myself making that into a money spending activity. :D I'm incorrigible. I used to enjoy gardening. But that can be expensive. I used to enjoy needlepoint. I may even still have some supplies.... I think I'm going to have to break down and get bifocals first though. :((
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 22:22:49
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2004, at 12:43:05
That was the focus of our discussion today. I think the benefit is in escape. And withdrawal to an earlier time. And to part of me that's worth it.
To the other part of me who refinanced the house to pay off my credit card debt and sees it rising again, it is *definitely* not worth it.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 3, 2004, at 22:48:20
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » Fallen4MyT, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:22:11
I sneak buy now and then and am in HUGE credit card debt. Now that we are kind of poor I am learning how to not do that so often. I am glad you semi talked to T on it because now you MAY feel like you can move on and not stay frustrated with him on it...I hope
.
> I suppose I've been colluding with him at not discussing it, because it's a very sore spot with me for a few reasons.
>
> My mother was/is a spendthrift of enormous proportions, leading my father to work most of his life paying off her debt and not having much to retire on. I find myself doing the same secretive things she does, although I don't do the quasi-criminal things she used to do. Ok,they weren't quasi-criminal. They could have gotten her put in prison if my father hadn't covered for her, bailed her out, and if the other people involved had been inclined to pursue it criminally. My problem is not anywhere near her magnitude. I don't do unethical things to spend. But I do hide my spending. And I do spend money I don't have, running up credit card balances.
>
> So... I did bring it up, but I did it by honestly saying that I didn't really want to talk about it.
Posted by Susan47 on December 3, 2004, at 23:47:21
In reply to Re: Is there any point in discussing my binge spending » daisym, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2004, at 21:32:00
I hope you don't mind my butting in on your thread, I'm curious though, Which is the more important issue for you right now?
Is it the over-spending, you being too much like your mother was, or
Is it the fear of going back to the Barbie stage and finding out what was going on for you then? It's really interesting that both issues are coming up front hand-in-hand, completely connected to each other.
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2004, at 9:07:56
In reply to Dinah, Barbies versus the spending?, posted by Susan47 on December 3, 2004, at 23:47:21
I think Barbies were my escape back then. Into the front room away from everyone. Into an imaginary world. I think I want to escape again.
But my mother bought me those Barbies and went into debt for me. I really shouldn't think that way. My mother would have gone into debt no matter what. But I was often the recipient of her overspending. In fact, when I got older she stole from my brother and I to give us "gifts". I was never quite sure whether to be angry with her when she used the stolen money on us. Was it really stealing?
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:35:23
In reply to Is there any point in discussing my binge spending, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2004, at 23:24:27
There's so much that's come up for you in buying this bit of Barbie stuff. Can I tell you what it sounds like, for me? (Anybody can quit reading any time I piss them off because they think I'm way off the mark; I realize I may be that. I haven't even read all the posts on this thread, and if that's irresponsible, that's the way I am)
It sounds like you love your mother so much, so so much .. and she loves you just as much. She "borrowed", in her mind, money to buy you the Barbies that she knew would provide you with something important. She recognized that the Barbies would give you a method of coping with your feelings. And I think that they did do that for you, and you went into a wonderful fantasyland that provided you with hours and hours of joy. And she may have witnessed that, and done everything she could to help you escape, because I think she knew she had a problem which was sad for everyone but she just didn't know how to deal with it. In our mother's day, women were committed quickly and not valued the way they are now, and it's a lack of their value that *caused* so many mental illnesses, that we are still coping with, as their daughters.
Your mother "borrowed" from you and your brother, in her later years, most likely because she was trying to feel better, and I'll bet she would be devastated to be approached with what she most likely feels herself was a wrong thing to do; she was helpless, at the time, to resist her wrong actions.
Look at your spending on the Barbies at this time in your life, as a forgivable necessity, and you may find it all coming together for you. You may not need to repeat your mother's grief and sadness to the same extent, in fact, it already seems like you've made it better, and the emotional and psychic grief are being diminished in your generation.
Dinah, you're such a wonderful person.
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:51:59
In reply to Re: Is there any point » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:35:23
Thought I better post that subject line, as I just re-read my above post and I realize I was speaking as though I were my own mother, because Dinah, I don't know about you, but this thing triggered ME I suppose, and I felt like the girl I was once, who cut women out of the catalogue and played with them for hours and hours as Barbies.
My own mother never had dolls, she grew up Hungarian in Hitler's time, and exploding grenades in the backyard, living in the basement while soldiers lived upstairs, eating potatoes once a day and nothing else, those were her childhood playthings.
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:53:06
In reply to Above may trigger some to tears, not sure., posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:51:59
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2004, at 15:29:19
In reply to Re: Is there any point » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 11:35:23
I guess it's possible, but that's not really been my experience. I emotionally divorced her years ago and we get along ok now. At one time I loved her very much. And she loves me as much as she can possibly love, given her limitations. I can't ask for more.
I'd never mention those things to her, because to her they never happened. She forgets what she would prefer not to remember. In fact she remembers things that never happened, too. It's a nice way to live, I suppose, creating your own reality as you go along.
Posted by Susan47 on December 5, 2004, at 22:07:56
In reply to Re: Is there any point » Susan47, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2004, at 15:29:19
This is the end of the thread.
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