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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2004, at 17:41:36
Why don't I open up about what I need to talk about? Why is my T so patient? (besides that she gets paid, I'd like to think that she does care)
Why do I bother with therapy and meds when I'm dysthymic and have always been and always will be on some level depressed?
Why do I base all my self esteem on career? Just so I can beat myself up for being a failure who got turned down for temp jobs. Yes, I did.
Why, why, why am I...?Poet
Posted by daisym on September 24, 2004, at 23:47:16
In reply to I wish I were wise, not full of whys, posted by Poet on September 24, 2004, at 17:41:36
Poet,
You just haven't discovered what you were meant to do yet. You will find it. You haven't opened up yet because you aren't ready. Your therapist does care, I know you can feel it.I think I've told this story before so forgive the repetition. I just think it is an important reminder of why we are all here...
I have a friend who is a Ph.D. nurse. When she was in nursing school she was trying to decide what kind of nurse to be. One night she was doing her rotation in the newborn nursery. A baby in her care died. No problems, no birth issues, most likely SIDS. My friend was devastated because she felt helpless to save this baby. She became a neonatal nurse and in her career has saved thousands of babies and is now running medical trials for premature infants. Five years ago she was covering for a nurse in the nursery again. She met a mom having her 5th baby. She recognized the name and went in and said, I met you 10 years ago when I was trying to decide what to do with my life. Your baby died when I was in the nursery. I believe that baby was put here to help me find my path in life and save so many more babies. I wanted you to know that though his life was short, it was meaningful. And the mom cried and cried.
You don't know who you've touched, who you've changed, just by being here. Continuing to struggle with all your grief and heartache is an inspiration and your posts are full of grace and humor (and rhyme). Don't under estimate your contributions here...and out there.
You matter very much to us.
Posted by Poet on September 25, 2004, at 13:54:59
In reply to Re: I wish I were wise, not full of whys, posted by daisym on September 24, 2004, at 23:47:16
Thanks, Daisy.
Thank you for helping me feel that I do matter. I hope that I find what I need to be and who needs me to be it.
Right now I just feel like a total failure and it's good to know that you can see something in me that I can't. Hopefully an employer will see something soon. I can't take much more rejection.
Good thing for babble and posters like you, who don't reject little old failure me.Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on September 25, 2004, at 17:18:48
In reply to Re: I wish I were wise, not full of whys, posted by daisym on September 24, 2004, at 23:47:16
Wow Daisy, that's a powerful story. I'm so glad your friend was able to share that with the mother. Ooh, it just gave me a chill.
Isn't it amazing all the ripples that intersect and shift and mvoe in an eternal flow?
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on September 25, 2004, at 17:25:58
In reply to I wish I were wise, not full of whys, posted by Poet on September 24, 2004, at 17:41:36
Poet dear,
I can hear that you are feeling so down. I've been wrapped up in work identity at times too, and when it ends, for whatever reason, it is just awful. In fact, at my internship I just started this week, the person who is leaving was sad that her mailbox is gone already. It's a little thing, but we all like to think that we made a difference that will last. And then your name goes away, and it feels a bit like a piece of you was scraped off and replaced.Also, I didn't work all summer (I was supposed to be using that time for my dissertation). I was more depressed this summer than I've been in awhile. It was awful experiencing that setback. Especially since I was in therapy and was supposed to be getting better, right?
I found even in just this one week, that being back to doing what I love has been very helpful. Now I know that finding work is very very hard, especially right now in this economy. Is there something you can perhaps as a volunteer or just for yourself that you just love? Something you can treat as a job of sorts that would give you some structure in your day if it's needed (believe me, I needed it this summer but didn't create it). Or something that will make you feel good about what you created, contributed, experienced? These are all important things to feeling good about oneself. Behavioral therapy for depression would say you need to do more of what you enjoy, even if you don't feel like doing it, and do more of what makes you feel good about yourself and competent. Even if you don't feel it right now.
Can you think of anything? I know you are not a failure. How can you be, when you are still evolving? Maybe this time is a time to just sit still and let life flow over you a bit like a stream, until you find the branch or boat or whatever you want to hang onto and travel with for a bit?
((((Poet))))
gg
Posted by Aphrodite on September 25, 2004, at 18:40:54
In reply to I wish I were wise, not full of whys, posted by Poet on September 24, 2004, at 17:41:36
I'm so sorry to hear the sadness of your post. I think GG had wonderful advice. Try not to give up on finding a new career. And as for always being depressed, I feel that way too. But there are degrees of depression, and you want to strive to be on the highest end you can possibly achieve. What is your therapist saying about how you are doing right now?
Hang in there.
Posted by Poet on September 28, 2004, at 14:18:00
In reply to Re: I wish I were wise, not full of whys » Poet, posted by gardenergirl on September 25, 2004, at 17:25:58
Hi GG,
Economically I have to find a paying job and find it soon. We can't survive much longer on one income. My husband thinks I'm not trying hard enough. I apply for every job I'm qualified for, my resume is posted on various internet sites and I'm registered with four temp agencies. I've gotten two interviews and two turndowns. My next step is to lie about my work history and apply at every store in the mall to be holiday help. That'll bring in a little money, but sure won't do anything to raise my non-existent self esteem. That's assuming anybody hires me.
Thanks for your understanding of how I am feeling and why I'm feeling it. You really are a great therapist, such insight!
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 28, 2004, at 14:28:02
In reply to Re: I wish I were wise, not full of whys » Poet, posted by Aphrodite on September 25, 2004, at 18:40:54
Hi Aphrodite,
There defiitely are degrees of depression. I'm better than I was in May, but just can't seem to get out of the mental muck.
My therapist would agree with GG, that I need to find something besides a job to give myself a lift. I just don't know what it is and economically I can't afford to be unemployed very much longer. Maybe I can do some kind of weekend volunteer work, in hope that I get a weekday job? I don't know, right now I'm too down to want to try.
Thanks for caring and understanding what it's like to alway be some level depressed.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on September 28, 2004, at 19:53:32
In reply to Re: I wish I were wise, not full of whys » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on September 28, 2004, at 14:18:00
This is the end of the thread.
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