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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 13:28:42
THe thing that I am so worried about goign to therapy again is to open up to someone, tell everything about your lives again, and finally realize that the person doesn't care even a little bit about you. I would be devastated if the new T sees me only for money and doesn't care whether I live or die or doesn't cherish the times she spends with me.
Posted by Racer on September 17, 2004, at 13:53:30
In reply to What I am worried about, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 13:28:42
It came up over this board, if that matters.
Anyway, we talked about it a little bit. Now, this is not something that worries me. Maybe I'm Narcissistic or arrogant or something else that's pathological, but I never worry particularly about whether or not a therapist likes me. I do worry, though, about building a good therapeutic alliance, and if that's not there, then it won't work for me. I guess, though, that it all comes down to that alliance: if that's there, then I just assume that it's there because we both care about the relationship. It doesn't mean we'll be best friends, it just means that, within the formal structure of the relationship, we're both invested emotionally in one another and the relationship. To me, that's caring about one another.
In other words -- a Dinah moment! -- if we have a good, trusting therapeutic relationship, I see it as meaning that my therapist cares about me.
That's enough for me, at least. I hope it helps you, too.
(And, as someone who's taught various things in Adult Ed and horseback riding for a long time, I can tell you that it's the same for me -- I *do* care about my students. Even those I don't "like" I still care about. And they're *all* my favorites, in their own way. That experience also helps me, because I can see how that must be similar for therapists.)
Posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 14:07:31
In reply to I talked to my therapist about this the other day, posted by Racer on September 17, 2004, at 13:53:30
Thanks Racer for the inputs. Yes I do agree that they do care in a way, but somehow now I am finding that very inadequate.
I cared too much about my first therapist and it is really hard for me to let go off him and go to someone new and start all over again.
Posted by Susan47 on September 17, 2004, at 16:05:01
In reply to I talked to my therapist about this the other day, posted by Racer on September 17, 2004, at 13:53:30
Posted by Susan47 on September 17, 2004, at 16:12:28
In reply to Re: I talked to my therapist about this the other day, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 14:07:31
I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you. Do abused children give away their love too easily? What is love anyway.. I thought it was a verb but maybe it's a feeling? It's probably a feeling that comes from doing the verb; yes, that sounds right to me. So in therapy, who's doing all the action? Well, it seems to be mostly the client doesn't it?
My therapist demonstrated that very aptly. He still treats me like a freak if I call to give him an update. I'm insane to worry about his wellbeing. See, I don't know what's the matter with me either. Except that I drive people nuts and is that a self-fulfilling prophecy? I just don't know, I don't know anything Pinkeye. I just want for therapy to work out well for you, and for you to know your therapist cared, but I'm not your therapist so of course I can't give you that. And it seems like he (? she?) can't or won't do that. Maybe it's different training or maybe it's us. Maybe we're just *too much* for everybody. Sorry, I don't mean to put myself in your boat. I'm in my own boat; sometimes it wallows a bit.
Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2004, at 16:31:48
In reply to What I am worried about, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 13:28:42
It hurts to want more than we can have. But it doesn't always happen in therapy. It happens not infrequently, no doubt about it, but it doesn't always happen.
Some people deliberately choose therapists that they wouldn't want more from. I'm not sure that works, since it might interfere with the therapeutic alliance.
Perhaps this time, the personal dynamics will be such that you'll be perfectly happy just having your therapist as a therapist. Naturally we'd all like them to want to see us without charging, :), but aside from that...
I've been pretty fortunate in that I think my my therapist is terrific to have for a therapist, I care for him as a person, but from what I know about him he's not someone I'd want to hang out with. Maybe that could be your number one criteria? Someone enough dissimilar that you couldn't imagine *wanting* to see them outside therapy, but with fine qualities *as* a therapist.
Posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 17:53:56
In reply to Re: What I am worried about » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on September 17, 2004, at 16:31:48
Thanks DInah for the inputs. At this point I am not sure.
I sent an email to my old T asking him if he really cared and how disappointed I was to receive his email. Not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I did it anyway. I hope he doesn't get offended.
Posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 18:47:58
In reply to Re: What I am worried about, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 17:53:56
I hate myself for being such a pain to my ex T :-(
He is a nice guy, only I am making it so complicated. I am not happy with my marriage and have been substituting him for all the emotional support. Now I can't let go of him and can't become happy wiht my marriage. I don't want to go to another T. I don't know what to do. I try my best to collect myself and go on, but I keep failing. Something is horribly wrong with me, and I don't know what or how to correct it. I am too messed up. Plus I have this chronic pain that I am dealing with.
Posted by shortelise on September 18, 2004, at 1:20:48
In reply to What I am worried about, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 13:28:42
Can you tell her that?
ShortE
Posted by Poet on September 18, 2004, at 14:41:25
In reply to Hate myself, posted by pinkeye on September 17, 2004, at 18:47:58
Hi Pinkeye,
You miss the emotional support that your therapist gave you, don't hate yourself for feeling that loss.
Hopefully he understands that right now you need to be in contact with him and doesn't consider you to be a pain. Just a former client who is going through a tough time. Though I totally get why you feel bad about needing him, I need to feel independent too.
I've only had one therapist, so I can't offer advice on whether you should find a new one or how hard the adjustment would be. Hopefully other babblers can offer their expertise.
Poet
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