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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pandabear on May 30, 2004, at 23:40:42
Just this past week, my mood went down drastically...I was feeling fine and then the next thing I knew..I was depressed and tired and had nothing but negative thoughts and I was making wrong decisions and it just wasnt a good week...(I am bipolar by the way) but, I wasnt able to go to therapy last week because she had to cancel due to something that came up and so I had to deal with everything by myself. My issue is that my family isnt seeing my struggles. Im not expressing anything to my parents because I dont want them to be concerned but in MY mind, I am hurting. If I could sit there and honestly tell my therapist what I am about to say here...my parents wouldnt know what to do and they DONT REALIZE that i feel like i do....but here it is... At this point in my life, I feel like Im in my own world. Things arent going well at work, I feel like Im not in control of my mind anymore since I dont know when I will be happy or sad anymore due to my chemical imbalance, I just want to be left alone, I dont want to have to wake up in the morning and go to work and to deal with those that do not understand what im going through. My boss thinks that I make bigger deals out of things...she thinks that my bipolar disorder is a bunch of junk and that i dont have it. I agreed with her until I started realizing that I really did have it...I want to stay in bed and only surround myself with those that understand what im dealing with. I want to switch jobs and work in a therapist office..but I cannot due to financial situations...(so im stuck). When I feel so down like this..I want to be hospitalized so that I can be around people that understand me and that will help me rather than tell me im making a big deal out of nothing. I have never thought of killing myself, but, I have thought about what would happen if I took too much of my medicine. But my fear is stronger than my curiosity. I did think about making myself slip down the stairs so that I would hurt myself enough to were I didnt have to go to work..(how wrong is that)? My work is going through a lot of change right now and I dont deal well with change so its adding a lot of stress right now for me.
What I want to know is has anyone had thoughts or things that they are dealing with personaly that no one knows about that they talk to their therapists about...and yet they go about around everyone else like nothing is wrong? I told my dad that my psychiatrist doesnt think im stable and he disagrees with her but I totally agree because she knows what thoughts are running through my mind..my dad doesnt and if he did...he would be so concerned...I feel like im keeping things from him and I am but its so hard because my family and I are extremely close and now, Im keeping things from him but oh well. I guess I just described many people who are in therapy..we all have things that only the therapist and patient know about but it just feels weird to me.
Just last week I went to the pet store and bought a parakeet..out of the blue...I came home and burst into tears because I didnt know why i bought him. I was frantically on the phone panicking and I finally asked my neighbor if she wanted him which she did..but she told me to keep him for a few days and see if i wanted him...which now, I do..BUT, my only reason for getting him was because i was wanting something to love and that would love me back..(yet he ended up biting me..) :) But anyway, i think its sick that Im so needy to love something. I have a dog that I love dearly and she loves me but it wasnt enough...I just really want to focus on myself and when im feeling this bad I just want the world to go away and let me just be...does that make any sense? BUT, i cannot get this satisfaction and it depresses me even more. Im afraid to totally let go with my therapist about this because she will see how unstable I am...I dont know how to act with all this...when I tell her the bad decisions that I made last week..she is going to be so surprised...im so down these days it is crazy. keep me in your thoughts and prayers I feel so lost right now. Thanx.
Pandabear (sorry i really rambled in this one but i have a lot on my mind)
Posted by ghost on May 31, 2004, at 0:02:26
In reply to Does anyone feel this way?, posted by Pandabear on May 30, 2004, at 23:40:42
A lot of times I'm not "suicidal" but I think that it would be nice to have an "accident" where I was somehow incapacitated for a long time (or permanently)... I think these thoughts are just as destructive as suicidal ones.
I always hide how I'm feeling... No one really knows what's in my head... my parents were shocked to find out I'd hospitalized myself (they were overall supportive, but shocked nonetheless) because they'd had no idea what was going on in my head. Even now, I'm not sure they get it, but they do accept it. I don't talk to too many people IRL, especially about bipolar and BPD and schitzo stuff, because it just scares them away when I tell them about my problems. Or I'm afraid it will. So I just suffer in silence. Sometimes I think that's best, but it probably isn't. One of my friends once told me that being mentally ill was 100x worse than being physically ill or disabled because you can be standing next to someone with an illness or disabilty and see that they have a problem and empathise... but you can stand next to someone mentally ill and never be able to see the turmoil and troubles they have deep inside.
I went to a no-kill shelter last year and got a pet rat. It was nice to have him around for awhile to love and care for him, but once I started to go downhill, I started neglecting him, and that was very unfair to him. Last week I brought him back to the shelter and said I was losing my job (true) and would be homeless soon (somewhat true), so I couldn't keep him (not really true). But it wasn't fair to keep him any more when his owner couldn't care for him like he deserved. I barely remember to feed my bettas.
Anyhow, I guess I'm just trying to say that I think I understand. Things do improve, because I've been there, and I've survived it. Just hang on. And keep writing out your thoughts. Sometimes it helps to organize them when they're in neatly readable format.
ghost
Posted by fallsfall on May 31, 2004, at 8:39:49
In reply to Does anyone feel this way?, posted by Pandabear on May 30, 2004, at 23:40:42
Yes, Panda,
You are not alone.
Please talk to your therapist and tell her EVERYTHING (bring your post in). She can help you more if she knows what is going on.
Please remember, though the stairs look inviting, that you have control over your behavior - and you CAN walk down the stair carefully. And please do be careful.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 31, 2004, at 12:08:34
In reply to Re: Does anyone feel this way? » Pandabear, posted by fallsfall on May 31, 2004, at 8:39:49
Pandabear,
I think everyone feels alone and isolated in mental illness around others who don't know and/or have never experienced it. I think that's why Babble is so helpful. We "get it". And I understand wanting to just be alone with it, because when you start to realize how much people do NOT understand you, because they are not inside your head, it hurts. And it's lonely. I hope you can share this with your therapist. It's wonderful to have someone you can talk to about what's going on inside your head, no matter how scary it is. T's are supposed to be wonderfully accepting and supportive. I hope yours is. Please don't be afraid of what she thinks. If she is concerned, you two should work together to figure out what is the best course of action (hospitalization, med change, extra therapy, etc.)And I wonder if there is a support group somewhere near you. Having people IRL who understand what you are going through is invaluable.
For those who make insensitive comments like, "you don't look like you have bi-polar" or "I don't believe in bi-polar", etc., they do not know all of the facts! For good reasons, you maintain good boundaries about how much of your thoughts you share with those around you. So they are saying what they are saying because they don't have the whole picture. Perhaps when this happens you can say something like, "Well, thank you for your concern about me, but there are some aspects that I prefer to keep private. That may make it hard for you to understand, but I'm dealing with it with my T." or something to that effect.
Keep posting if you are up to it. You are never alone here in Babbleland!
gg
Posted by Pandabear on May 31, 2004, at 12:45:04
In reply to Re: Does anyone feel this way?, posted by gardenergirl on May 31, 2004, at 12:08:34
Thank you and yes, I am going to be talking to my therapist about all of this, I am just worried as to what kind of action she might take. I really appreciate yours and everyone else's responses...I am very grateful for this site...:)
Pandabear <><
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