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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 10:18:31
So for the last couple of weeks in therapy we have been discussing my overidentification with the suffering of others. How I absorp people's moods and how that adversely affects me. If I am around a depressed person, I become depressed. It's like I absorp people's moods like a sponge and make them my own and have a hard time putting up a barrier. This has caused problems all of my life. And here I thought I was just an empathetic and compassionate person! Turns out I have been engaging in irrational and sick behavior, adding more stress, anxiety, and depression to my life.
I am finding it hard to turn off the switch as it were and stop "overidentifying" with the trials and tribulations of others. I have been doing this all of my life for various reasons, which we discussed yesterday. Very interesteing reasons which I never thought about before. I was ordered yesterday by my T to stop watching the national news. I can't even take watching the news anymore! I know a lot of posts here at babble have upset me so now I think I will only try to read posts with happy subject matter. This will be really hard for me though. But I have to do this for myself. I have to start believing that what is best for me is not a crime and that I am not a horrible person for not wanting to share in the grief of others. At least for now, until I get more "milegae" (as my T says) out of being a somewhat psychologically healthy person.
Does anyone else have this problem? I am finding it really hard not to feel like a totally selfish twit right now. It is somewhat of a foreign concept to put myself first.
Posted by tabitha on May 28, 2004, at 12:08:24
In reply to I'm a sponge and at my saturation point, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 10:18:31
Well, I'm not the most selfless person, but I also have trouble with those sorts of boundaries. It's difficult for me to listen to others' problems without feeling responsible for fixing it-- especially family members. My T has tried to explain to me how the goal is to be empathetic, but not take on the moods of others, and not feel responsible for fixing them. I'm not sure I really get how to be open enough, but not too open. I tend to be either too open or too closed. Rather than oversaturating myself as you describe I tend to isolate myself as a way to stay safe. Someday I hope to find the happy medium.
Posted by karen_kay on May 28, 2004, at 15:58:42
In reply to I'm a sponge and at my saturation point, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 10:18:31
i'm just like that miss honey. i completely take on other people's emotions. when someone is frustrated, i too become frustrated. when i see someone hurting, it hurts me. this causes alot of stress in my life. it was addressed briefly in group last week (about taking on other people's problems and homeless) but he didn't offer a solution. just said i need to take care of myself before worrying so much about other people. and what's worse, i even get upset when i feel i don't worry enough about other people.
but, i realize what my problem stems from. i don't face and solve my problems like i should. instead, i worry about other people and i empathize with them, i think as an attempt to run from my own. and i can rationalize in my head that 'oh, my problems aren't that bad, as these people are suffering so much more than i am. i can feel for these people and empathize with them.' yet, i can't feel anything about my own personal problems and situations. perhaps one day? just know miss honey, i feel your pain dear.
oh! and one thing that really gets me!!! when someone gets upset, but gets past it very quickly, their feelings stay with me for days! ie: my boyfriend can have a bad day at work, come home and slam the door, throw something and be done with it. i'm shaking for days, even when i had a great day, just because he slammed a door and threw a pop can. sheesh! some people never learn how they can effect others!
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 28, 2004, at 16:31:03
In reply to call me spongebob... » Miss Honeychurch, posted by karen_kay on May 28, 2004, at 15:58:42
Sign me up right away.
All my life I have been like that....all my life (even as a child!). I can cry when someone has a painful story to tell. I am right there with the saddness, pain, empathy, ...anything that is down.
I have all sorts of reasons why....BUT I am not right there with the laughs....
I can laugh but I am not ready with a laugh when someone else is. I am afraid of big laughs...loud laughing. I am cringing in the corner.
I have a hard time with sunny days....go figure???!
But give me a sad story about someone's puppy etc...
I am a mess.
I am right there crying with the person....
There seems to be a lot of room for pain in my being.
I can hold lots of pain.I have killed my tv and I don't listen to the news unless it's local. I have been fasting on the bad news for a while. Honestly it's not a bad thing to do. Really what can we do about the national scene? With local news I generally know the people and give my caring a support. It's appreciated.
So I too have to be real careful about what I take in as well.
I always thought I was an empath....
Posted by karen_kay on May 28, 2004, at 16:33:46
In reply to I'm a sponge and at my saturation point, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 10:18:31
check social for bean's latest adventures dear... happy post for you :)
love, kk
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 19:31:14
In reply to I'm a sponge and at my saturation point, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 10:18:31
I have my rational thoughts for this. IN fact, I have about 30 rational thoughts which I have to keep saying and thinking over and over again.
The rational thoughts for this problem are:
"excessive worrying helps no one"
"Overidentifying with others' pain doesn't help anyone"
"I've got enough suffering in my own life without taking on others' suffering."
"Problems and pain are life."
All makes sense. ANd I say these over and over again and to some degree this new way of thinking seems to be working. But I find that when I actually CATCH myself not worrying about others like I think I SHOULD (a big no no in Bean's vocab) then I become very unsettled and almost paniced.
Rational thinking is so much freaking work!!
Posted by fallsfall on May 29, 2004, at 8:26:49
In reply to Re: I'm a sponge and at my saturation point, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 19:31:14
This is one of the reasons I've backed off from Babble a bit.
I find that spending a lot of time worrying about other people keeps my anxiety level too high. I also tend to believe that the whole world lives in crisis all the time (so that makes it OK for me to live in crisis all the time - not a helpful thought).
I am trying to narrow the number of people who I will empathize with. I need certain people, and they need me - it would be foolish to push away this part of my support structure, plus I care about them. But I'm trying not to feel that I have to be responsible for helping EVERYONE - that is too much.
So, do other people feel the way you do? Absolutely. Good luck.
P.S. my distancing from Babble does seem to be working OK. I'm having my own crises still, but I don't feel the compelling responsibility to say the perfect thing to everyone that I used to feel.
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 29, 2004, at 19:35:26
In reply to Re: I'm a sponge and at my saturation point » Miss Honeychurch, posted by fallsfall on May 29, 2004, at 8:26:49
It's a good thing to retreat if the empathy, concern and caring is draining.
But if this is not draining and is nourishing instead.....
I am moved by reading a heartfelt caring note from one person to another here on PB.
I like seeing empathy in action.
I do care a lot about other people....I pray for those that are caught in the midst of pain and suffering.
I extend love and energy to those who are in need.
I never want to stop that.
This is the end of the thread.
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