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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
Tomorrow morning I have my first session with the new therapist. I'd like to say that I'm upbeat and hopeful and all that, but the reality is that I'm worried beyond belief, and at that point where I say, "It's just going to be more of the same, why bother going through more of it?" Of course, I will go, and I will try, but I'm so frightened, and don't know how to deal with it. I'm thinking about what I want to say to her, and all I can come up with is, "I don't want to tell her anything, because it's just going to be used against me again..." Now, we all know that not saying anything in therapy is counterproductive, to say the least, but I can't get myself anyplace close to opening myself up to trust anyone right now.
To make matters worse, the now former therapist told me on Monday that this new one was going to take over. She said then that New T would call me to arrange an appointment. Thursday, at the group that feels so abusive to me, I said that I hadn't heard, and the uncertainty was bothering me. NFT said she'd remind the new one, who did call Friday. When she called on Friday, she made a big point of asking -- a couple of times -- "How are you?" Excuse me, but didn't you even look at my chart, where there were notes from the first therapist saying that trust was not easy for me? Like I'm going to answer that any way besides, "Oh, I'm just fine, thank you, and you?" It worries me that I felt as if she was trying to use a shortcut to a therapeutic relationship. Does that make sense? I mean, "how are you?" is pretty basic, right? It does not make me magically believe that this person cares about me and wants to help me. Used this way, in leui of a real relationship being built, it worries me even more.
For that matter, if the now former therapist hadn't spent so much time on her, "I really want to help you..." maybe I could have gotten past the rest of it. Don't tell me how much you want to help me, or how much you care about me -- SHOW ME! I've been told too many times by too many people how much they cared and wanted to help. I've gotten damned little help from any of them, but many of them did take advantage of me and hurt me. So, don't tell me all about your feelings, show me some sign that I can think about trusting you.
I'm scared, and I don't know what I'm going to do -- although showing up is a given, and if this one is any good, she may help structure the first session. I'm back into the "don't want anything, because that leads to disappointment" mode. It's showing on the outside, too. At that group the other day, the other facilitator brought it up, that I was more withdrawn. Largely, of course, that group is really awful for me, and I want anything except to be there, so that probably adds a lot to the withdrawal.
OK, any comments? Any wisdom? Anyone else here have major trust issues that come up when starting with a new therapist? (Not here, no way!)
Thanks!
Posted by noa on April 4, 2004, at 10:32:05
In reply to Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
Racer,
It is clear how nervous you are and I understand that--who wouldn't be especially after what you've been through?!
But I think there is a danger of overanalyzing everything she said on the phone. Go to the appointment with an open mind, pay attention to how you feel with the new therapist during the meeting. Ask for clarification before reacting to things she says.
Take this one step at a time.
Good luck tomorrow.
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 12:47:49
In reply to Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
Noa's suggestions seem just right. Developing trust is going to be a tremendous accomplishment for you; it's probably not going to be something that is going to just be *there* if you find just the right therapist; it's going to be a hard-won accomplishment, which will take a lot of work.
Having said that, it is important to pay very close attention to how you are feeling in your initial encounter with your new therapist. You do need to have a *gut* feeling that she will be someone whom you will eventually be able to trust. It would be good to get this central issue right out there from the beginning; you need to tell her how difficult trust is for you- and even the moment-to-moment feelings you are having about her in your initial session. I think you should feel entitled to leave your first session with some feelings of hope and a sense of *fit*. If those are not there. your chances of making real therapeutic progress in trust are not as good as they would be otherwise. Think of Falls interviewing a number of therapists even when she was in the midst of a miserable transference crisis with her previous T. She was able to make a good choice, and now, a little less than a year later (I think), she is feeling so good about her present experience. You can interview several, too, and make a good choice! (remember the analytic candidates)
Everyone.s major issues are a different mix. Here, we seem to hear more often about people having intense, dependent transferences, which have sometimes led to horrible situations- either the client not being able to lessen the dependency, or the therapist becoming suddenly rejecting. However, there are others- I would include myself, and Dinah as she describes herself upon entering treatment- forgive me if I'm wrong, Dinah!- who do have trust as major initial issues, and who need time to form secure attachments. However, I think both Dinah and I have moved gradually into a state of secure attachment with our T's which has been tremendously helpful to us. Just speaking for myself, allowing real trust to happen has been a major step towards becoming healthier. If you feel you are like us. I'd say, choose your therapist wisely and carefully, and then be prepared to have to work hard for an "earned secure attachment" It will take time, but you can do it!
Don't allow yourself to get into another situation where you know the fit is poor, and in which you spend your time blaming your therapist. Find a good one with whom you can take responsibility for your own issues and work towards changing what needs changing- you'll have a caring and competent person to do it with. It will be a hard journey, but not an impossible one- and you will have moments of joy and satisfaction along the way as you are growing. That's the best feeling in the world!
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:32:10
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Racer, posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 12:47:49
I don't have the option of 'shopping around' for a therapist right now. This agency told me I was stuck with the therapist they chose for me -- obviously, they rethought that one -- and if I try to change again, I'll probably get another of those lectures that goes something like this: "You just aren't cooperating. Don't you realize that you're the one who has to do the work? No one can do it for you. You can't keep complaining that this therapist or that therapist isn't a good fit -- you're never going to find a perfect match, and you'll never get better until you decide to do the work. Take what you get, it's better than nothing." NOT what I need to hear, since I'm already beating myself up for *my* failure with this other therapist. (I know, you read what I wrote and it sounds as if I'm saying that the therapist failed -- that's just to remind myself that it's NOT all me.)
So, that's part of the pressure: if this isn't a good fit, I'm stuck with it anyway. The other part of the pressure is that I've been too far down too long now, and I need some relief. I feel a lot of pressure to DO IT NOW, and I don't trust myself when I feel as if the fit isn't good. So, even with the last therapist, I spent a lot of time beating myself up for not 'responding appropriately' to her, and for not cooperating with her, despite feeling that it was a bad fit for me and making it all worse instead of better.
So, it's a tough situation to be in, especially since you're absolutely right: finding the right therapist is key, and interviewing a bunch of them is the key to finding that good fit. I did interview a lot when I was in therapy years ago, and it did result in the right fit for me. Unfortunately, we had a parting of the ways over meds. When I started anti-depressants, she said it was the wrong thing to do, yaddida yaddida, and didn't see what it really did for me: after almost a year of psychologically standing outside the door behind which all my goblins were hiding, key in hand, unable to put the key into the lock, the anti-depressants gave me the strength to unlock and open the door and address each one. But, with the therapist so set against meds, it got to be a real issue. "You're doing it wrong, by taking meds in order to do this..." NOT a good message to hear, especially since I still don't have the strength to say, "Yeah, well, but I'm DOING it -- and I couldn't do it at all before."
Thank you for everything you wrote. I know that it's frustrating to hear what sounds like, "Yeah, but..." In my current situation, though, the reality is that I'm really and truly without a lot of choice when it comes to care. I have no insurance, no money, etc, and I'm living in an area that just isn't very nice to the uninsured. The agency that's providing my care is geared towards people with much more severe problems than I have, so it's one of those really sucky situations where I'm not sick enough to get effective help, and I'm too sick not to get help. So, I'm pretty well stuck with whoever they provide for therapy, and have to put up with a certain amount of the "You need to start cooperating with us..." talk, even when I feel as if they're not paying attention to what I need.
And validation is another major issue right now. They keep telling me that I'm getting great care, when I can see and understand and recognize that I'm not even getting adequate care. So, while I can understand their need to hold their heads up, I'm still getting my perceptions invalidated, over and over again. Once again, NOT great for me in my current state.
But, thank you for caring enough to write. It really does make a difference.
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:53:49
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Racer, posted by noa on April 4, 2004, at 10:32:05
What do you mean, take it one step at a time??? Who do you think you're writing to, hm? Remember, my patience was surgically removed at birth -- I can't take it any less than six steps at a time and I gotta take them fast!
Yeah, I know, I'm overanalyzing, and I'm so freaked out that I'm overreacting to everything she says. Mostly, though, I'm beating on myself for not being upbeat about getting a new therapist assigned, and for not feeling automatic hope that this will work better, etc. I guess I'm beating myself up because I'm letting my experiences to date color my expectations of the future. Does that make sense?
How does this sound to you? I'm going to accept that I'm worried, and try not to blame myself for being worried. I'm going to try to leave it at the acceptance of the worry, and not 'explain' the worry to myself anymore. I *think* that would be helpful to me right now. Does it sound right to you?
And again, noa, thank you.
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 15:08:09
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Racer, posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 12:47:49
Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's a shame not to have more choice, but let's hope you get a *good fit* anyway. I hope you do, and will be thinking of you tomorrow!
You mentioned a previous *good fit* therapist whom you chose; I was surprised to hear that you parted ways over your asking for, and benefitting from, medication. I think even the *pure* psychoanalysts, nowadays, make judicious use of medication, if they feel it is needed. i don't take an AD right now, but I have in the past, with the support and encouragement of my analyst.
Because I have personally had such a good experience with a psychoanalyst over abuse-related issues of trust and attachment, I hope I'm not beating a totally dead horse by mentioning the analytic candidates in your area if you don't have a good feeling about your new T. They are probably already better-trained than the therapists you are being offered, and their training is on-going. I am assuming you could see one twice a week for a few dollars per time. I think they are already supporting these therapists in their training, so money is not an issue - it can be next to nothing, I believe. What those training candidates are looking for is someone like you- intelligent, with good insight and capacity to tolerate stress - and whose got a real set of problems which they are looking for help with. It probably seems like a really off-the-wall idea, but if you interviewed a couple of them before making your own internal commitment, you might feel interested and encouraged. I don't see why you couldn't do that privately, without your agency knowing; you might come to the conclusion that the one you're seeing tomorrow is the best one for you, or you might be able to work out a really good arrangements with one of the candidates. There are a lot of doctors, psychologists and social workers taking analytic training now- some just to gain more knowledge and expertise, and some to become full analysts. I think you have a better chance of finding a better match in brains and feelings from them, personally!
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 15:29:31
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Pfinstegg, posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 15:08:09
Racer,
Did you ever see Bull Durham? "Don't think, Meat, just throw." Well, dear, don't think, just GO. Let it flow as best as you can and listen to your gut. The more you think about it, the more those goblins win. They want you to think twice (or thrice, or what comes next? fource? twentice?) because the more you think about it, the longer they get to stay behind that door.I absolutely agree that talking with your new T about how difficult it is to trust is probably the most important thing you can talk about in the first session. If I were your T, I absolutely would want to know about this. Otherwise, I might be beating my head against the wall, wondering why it wasn't working. Not trusting right away is not equal to not forming a relationship. It is a continuum, not an outcome. So please allow yourself and your new T to work from where you are at.
Don't think, Meat! Just go!
Praying you get this in the spirit it was intended,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 15:30:42
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 15:29:31
Posted by terrics on April 4, 2004, at 18:40:37
In reply to Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
My only thought is not to think to far ahead.
(((((((Racer))))))
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2004, at 20:00:41
In reply to Who, me? » noa, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:53:49
I think it's perfectly normal to be scared before meeting someone and entering into an intimate relationship. And given your previous experience, there's probably some self protection in not being too excited about it.
Pfinstegg is right in that trust was a major issue for me, and that I fought my way to a secure attachment with my therapist. I can't say that it instantly felt right either. At first it just felt like I had no choice. But now I really think it was a good match for me, however haphazardly I fell into it.
Can you just be honest about the feelings you're having? That you're feeling anxious because you had a good experience with one therapist, and ended up losing her, and a not so great "fit" with the replacement so that you're reeling a bit right now. Then at least the new therapist will have some sort of idea why you might be a bit wary.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 4, 2004, at 20:30:50
In reply to Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 9:25:54
My brain is fried tonight but just wanted to tell you I will be praying for you. Seems you have to work at giving the new T a fair shake...asking how you are maybe was just her way of showing some warmth...I am sorry I have nothing wise to say I have never switched T's so ? but wish you much luck..Maybe some benzos?
Posted by DaisyM on April 5, 2004, at 13:46:06
In reply to Re: Scared and worried: 1st session tomorrow w/ new T » Racer, posted by Fallen4myT on April 4, 2004, at 20:30:50
Racer,
Sorry I'm late. I've been away this weekend and tried to read and post last night but brain was fried.I say go in there and take from it what you can. Have no expectations for perfection (remember you're NOT a perfectionist :). This is a process and patience or no, you have to let it unfold.
You know all this already. If I can be bold, I think you feel so crummy that your real fear is that you won't feel better, that this person won't help you feel better and soon. You are also so smart, it is easy for you to SEE what needs to be done, to know what you wish the other person would or could do, and yet forcing yourself to accept help (to trust)and not control the process, is so, so hard. I suffer from the head/gut discord myself.
This is going to take time. So find the positives and build on those. You are in my thoughts
Daisy
Posted by noa on April 5, 2004, at 14:03:16
In reply to Who, me? » noa, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:53:49
Yes, Racer--if you can do that you've done a lot! Psst...and then can you tell me the secret to how you did it? I could use some pointers, myself.
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 6, 2004, at 8:06:02
In reply to That's part of the problem -- no choice in T » Pfinstegg, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 14:32:10
Hi Racer...hoping to hear how your initial session sent yesterday..
This is the end of the thread.
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