![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 18:17:27
Excellent discussion today. I continue the same meds for dysthymia (Effexor XR, 75 mg a day).
And my doc recommended a specific therapist that she knows for my sexual abuse issues. She must be good - there's a 2 months waiting list. Since I'll be away in July, I'll only meet her for the 1st time in August. That's ok. At least, I have a very specific topic to deal with, I know it. Also, I'm convinced it's my last issue to deal with in therapy, so that's encouraging!My doc was finally convinced that I don't have BPD, after I brought her an entire file of info, test results and messages from former therapists. Not an issue anymore. Now it's clear that the issue is me being sexually victimized when I was a child, a teenager, and still now.
Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself, I have gone a long way in the past 3 weeks, since my last appointment when we argued about me potentially having BPD. Amazing how I put order in my things. Well, the brother in law being an ass last Sunday "helped" to make things very clear for me, and for my doctor. It was such a shock to still be disrespected like that, I had to realize what THE problem was. I used to not want to talk about all this because I was so embarrassed. Now I can't stop talking about it!
Thank you all - you really helped me towards the next step, towards healing. Towards talking about it without shame.
Oh, and I'm getting info from child protection services as to what to do about my niece. I don't want to ruin her family if I don't have to, and if things can improve, but I do want her to get all the info and resources she needs to deal with her father's behavior. I will talk to her again and let her know she can count on me anytime. I may give her mom and her dad written info on sexual harrassment/abuse too, so they get an education on the topic, and so they know I am watching. Next year, if I'm still in the same urban area (I don't have a permanent job, so I may end up elsewhere), and if I have a better job, I will get a 2 bedroom apt and invite her to live with me while she goes to college. I think getting her out of her parents' house and into a healthier environment would be good for her.
- sid
Posted by Phil on May 22, 2002, at 18:44:30
In reply to Back from Dr's office..., posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 18:17:27
Man, turning things around. Just making an appt. with a good therapist starts the healing for me.
sid, I wonder why you don't call CPS now? See if they can act now. Your sister is enabling Mr. POS to keep getting away with sexual abuse on her daughter. I know you're going thru a lot and you're working on it but this is a CHILD. Grown-ups opinions mean nil when they are in collusion.
As much as I love my brothers, if I had proof that they were abusing kids, which they would never do, I'd call that day. I would hope they would do the same if I was a predator.
I really think the girl needs help now. She will be 18 in no time and will be on her on, able to make her own decisions, etc.
Too many girls that come from abusive households end up screwing their lives up so fast. She deserves a shot with a damn good therapist and a lot of attention from people who care about her.
If it's a matter of money, I'll send you $50.00 a month to help. Get the appt and tell me where to send the money. It won't be a loan. It will be a gift. I'll send it to the doc's office or whatever. Seriously.
I've looked back so many times to being raised by alcoholics. It was hush-hush back then and still is in alcoholic homes. I had nobody to talk to. If I could have seen someone early on, I wouldn't even recognize my life. I've had to learn the hard way.Phil
Posted by BeARdEdLaDY on May 22, 2002, at 19:48:43
In reply to Back from Dr's office..., posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 18:17:27
Children are the most sacred beings on our planet. The thought of someone touching a child makes me cry. So if you need money, I'll send it, too. Please just make the call and get the child out.
I am happy you got an appointment with this new therapist. I wish you luck and hope things improve very soon.
beardy : )>
P.S. Sorry I'm not eloquent tonight.
Posted by Sarahmarie on May 22, 2002, at 21:24:24
In reply to Back from Dr's office..., posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 18:17:27
I second what the others have said, I would not hesitate for one minute to call CPS and get her some help. It is so critical. I had to deal with an abusive husband who was also a pedafile--my children suffered greatly. I put them all in therapy and it was difficult financially, etc. I am so glad that I did that -- I have a great relationship with all of them now and we can really talk about things together. The sooner a child gets help -- the better things are for them and they will feel like they can actually have some control over this part of their lives. Good Luck SarahMarie
Posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 21:32:15
In reply to speaking as a mom... » sid, posted by BeARdEdLaDY on May 22, 2002, at 19:48:43
Well, someone yesterday wrote to me in terms of benefit-cost analysis.
The child (she's now 17) is being touched at times, in front of others to make her ill at ease, and she is teased with sexual jokes. Just like a was - and still am unfortunately!
I wonder what's more disruptive to her - knowing it's wrong, being embarrassed of her ridiculous father. Or being taken out of her home and having her entire family ripped apart. I will talk to her again. There are psychologists at her school, O will advise her to go talk to them. Her parents can afford therapy, they even have insurance for it (my sister is in therapy - if she doesn't change, he will leave her! AH! She is such a lost cause). Mind you, it's weird to have your father's insurance pay for sessions that could send him to prison. I could help myself with money for therapy if need be. I'm just not sure what's best for her. She's pretty balanced, for a teenager, she's serious, has talent. She has that going for her at least. If she stays home, I will encourage her to leave ASAP for her university program after.
I already asked her if anything happened to her. She said no, not with her dad. It did before, with her older brother who would repeatedly touch her inappropriately - and laugh about it; he was taught well by his dad's example I guess. She now has no relationship with him except for screaming at him from time to time, even though they live in the same house. She has a very strong character and I have seen her tell her father off before. In a few months, she'll be in pre-college (CEGEP - a compulsory step b/w high school and university here), and she will discover a new universe. She's goiung into social sciences, so I will push very much for her to take sexuality and psych classes so she gets thoroughly informed youger than me! I took science, so it took me forever to realize such behavior was not appropriate.
I am just not sure that blowing away her entire universe is the right thing to do. Tomorrow I will call CPS and ask them their advice.
Thanks for your concern. I don't want to seem like I am not concerned, I am. I just seem to be more concerned about it than my niece is bothered by it, so the next step needs to be in proportion to the bad things that are happening or not to her. I saw him, once, try to touch her breasts, during a party. I am not even sure CPS would move on that. I need to talk to them first.
I will keep you posted...
- sid
Posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 21:36:01
In reply to Re: Back from Dr's office... » sid, posted by Sarahmarie on May 22, 2002, at 21:24:24
Thanks,
I will see what kind of help she can get. And if she wants it. She's pretty strong-headed; apparently she takes after me. Although with her dad around, it's either that or disappear I guess.
I'm tired of having to over-react for people to listen to me. My doc FINALLY listened to me today. She took the abuse seriously. I've had psychotherapists brush it off like it's in the past, just move on now.
I can't - I'm stuck. So I'll be seeing someone else in August on... I hope she can be helpful.
Thanks again, in my name and my niece's.- sid
Posted by Phil on May 22, 2002, at 21:45:04
In reply to Re: Back from Dr's office... » Sarahmarie, posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 21:36:01
Posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 21:51:18
In reply to Anxiously awaiting CPS advice :-) (nm) » sid, posted by Phil on May 22, 2002, at 21:45:04
I hear you. I need to find something to do with my niece to talk to her too... a movie on Friday night perhaps. Well. Time for bed, I work tomorrow too!
- sid
Posted by IsoM on May 23, 2002, at 3:02:14
In reply to Re: Anxiously awaiting CPS advice :-) » Phil, posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 21:51:18
Sid, you wrote:
"I wonder what's more disruptive to her - knowing it's wrong, being embarrassed of her ridiculous father. Or being taken out of her home and having her entire family ripped apart. I will talk to her again."I'm glad you're going to talk to her again & to that child protection agency, but I TRULY believe that while either of the above choices would prove somewhat disruptive, one leads to healing & the other can only lead to more scarring. I think you understand what I mean. The healing process has to start sometime - better sooner than later.
Posted by sid on May 23, 2002, at 20:33:14
In reply to Your niece... » sid, posted by IsoM on May 23, 2002, at 3:02:14
Well, I made an anonymous phone call, asking for info and talking about my niece. She does not meet the criteria for immediate removal or drastic intervention. That's what I thought. She never even mentioned wanting to leave home. Mind you, at some point she'll realize her dad is weird - well, I think she knows already.
So to all of you who cared enough to write in the past few days, I will talk to my niece again soon, and I will suggest to her to go to therapy ASAP to discuss what's appropriate and not wrt sex, how to react to fend off inappropriate behavior, etc. And to talk about anything she might need to talk about. I'll ask her again if anything happened that I am not aware of. I will let her know that I can help and also, that if someone makes her feel bad in relation to her sexuality, it's called sexual harrassment and it needs to be told.
I do think that getting her out of her house would be disruptive and possibly counterproductive. She is good in school, has friends, works, functions well, so the impact of her father's taste for dirty jokes and harrassing/belittling behavior will have impacts in the medium-long run, but the short run her life is fine. She simply needs to know that
1 - men are not all like that (I keep telling myself that, but I don't quite believe it - although rationnally I do);
2 - inappropriate and unacceptable behavior must be identified for oneself and the perpetrator (I'm working on that, instead of fleeing at the speed of light, I should say what's on my mind, if I could even associate words to the feeling in real time instead of 24 hours after the fact);
3 - she is strong and she is worth so much more than crass, dirty, belittling sex. There's more to it than that. I try to convince myself of that too!Well, enough for now. I'm quite tired of all the emotions I've had in the past week about all this. I'm getting a tooth pulled out tomorrow morning too, so I'm off to bed.
Good night y'all.
- sid
Posted by IsoM on May 24, 2002, at 0:25:52
In reply to My niece..., posted by sid on May 23, 2002, at 20:33:14
Posted by sid on May 24, 2002, at 12:02:41
In reply to Tooth for the toothfairy - sweet dreams... (nm) » sid, posted by IsoM on May 24, 2002, at 0:25:52
Posted by waterlily on May 24, 2002, at 16:34:10
In reply to My niece..., posted by sid on May 23, 2002, at 20:33:14
My husband is finally back from a child abuse conference. I told him about your niece and he said that in Virginia, 15 is the age of consent. Her dad could be charged with a misdemeanor, but if he had done this to her when she was 14 or below (which I imagine he did) he would charged with a felony. Seems like a jerk like that would be doing more than grabbing though. At any rate, you might be able get him nailed with a misdemeanor, but maybe you're best off to concentrate on getting her some counseling if she's receptive.
I hope you've stopped bleeding now. I work in a hospital blood bank,so let me know if you need a fill-up ;-)
Posted by sid on May 24, 2002, at 23:32:04
In reply to Re: My niece..., posted by waterlily on May 24, 2002, at 16:34:10
Thanks,
yes, the bleeding finally stopped. Thanks! It starting to hurt a bit too. Weird - I had a slight headache as the numbness wore out. Much to my surprise it did not get worse, until now, a minute ago, I had some pain in my gum. I hope I'll be able to sleep...As for my niece, I think she is receptive to therapy. A few friends of hers are in therapy, her mother is, so it's something she knows about and is somewhat familiar with.
It's sad to say, but my brother in law is physically ill (chronic arthritis for decades and heart condition) and I keep hoping he'll die soon so we can all have more normal lives. So my sister can have a life of her own. So I can breath and perhaps meet a man I find interesting and decent. Etc. People like him live long usually though - they just make others miserable. This is funny... I keep telling my sister to put a lot of butter in the food she makes!!! He's not supposed to eat any. And the thing is that I don't even feel guilty about making jokes like that or wishing him an early death. With everything he's done and said to me, he's lucky to walk still. A friend of mine, who knows about my issues with my brother in law, vowed that he would beat him up if he ever met him. That friend lives far away, and it's probably for the best. It was nice though to hear someone, for once, willing to defend ME. Again, that's what hurt most: the enabling, the knowledge of it all and the fact that no one did anything. No one ever dared to tell him to shut the hell up if he has nothing intelligent to say. I have a feeling he might hear it soon.
Well, I'll discuss all that in therapy in August!
- sid
Posted by katekite on May 28, 2002, at 21:12:29
In reply to Back from Dr's office..., posted by sid on May 22, 2002, at 18:17:27
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.